


Don't Lie to Me - A Phanfic

by Autumn_Kismet



Category: Dan Howell and Phil Lester - Fandom, Phan, dan and phil
Genre: BBC, BBC1, Cute, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Facebook, Flashback, Gay, Heartache, Internet, Love, M/M, Other, Phan - Freeform, Rape, Romance, Self Harm, Smut, Struggle, Tumblr, Twitter, YouTube, lion, mental health, self discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-03-15 04:50:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 72
Words: 96,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3434195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Autumn_Kismet/pseuds/Autumn_Kismet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story, or many stories within a story, filled with drama, angst, self-discovery, more drama, lies, mental health struggles that turn into mental health battles, fear, frequent trips to the sterile environment known as the hospital, throw in some more drama and there you have it.<br/>Literally so much happens that I can't give you a sysinct description.<br/>*An angsty tale of self-discovery, mistakes, mental health stuggles (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*</p><p>Commenters/Reviews describe this fic as,<br/>"A big clusterfuck"<br/>"Really, really good!"<br/>"Fuckin cliffhangers..."<br/>"AMAZING."<br/>"Overkill"<br/>"Updated frequently,"<br/>"Abusive to the heart of the reader" and<br/>"THIS IS MY FAV FIC NEVER STOP UPDATING PLEASE OMG!!!!!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He sat silently on the bedside table, his inanimate eyes gazing upon his only friend. He’d seen it all before, the rise and the fall, the ups and the downs, the stress and the relief, the happiness and the sadness. This time he was witness to what must have been the stress, and was waiting for the relief, though for the first time in forever he didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t understand why. His dark-haired friend had never kept secrets from him before, so whatever it was, it must have been frightening. His private words to him had been cryptic and lacking content, whatever it was, Phil was extremely reluctant to even admit it to himself.  
“I know, I’m being ridiculous. I’m speculating! Don’t judge me,” Phil, his dark-haired friend, spoke to him. Lion’s gaze remained the same, as expected from a small, inanimate stuffed animal, but Phil continued as he projected his own thoughts onto the toy.  
“Don’t look at me like that! It’s fine. Not a problem. I’ll get up and be productive when I feel slightly less dead inside,” Phil sighed deeply and held his old, worn friend to his chest, stroking his mane with his thumb, “then I’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.”

Dan had gone out early that morning, leaving Phil alone in the flat. He got up, ate his cereal and rewatched a couple of episodes from Season 3 of Buffy. He even remembered to close the cupboard doors and clean-up afterwards, it was a good, quiet start to the day. Everyone needs some time alone from time to time, so he embraced it by not even bothering to change out of his pyjamas. He logged onto his computer and began editing a couple of things that he’d been intending to finish for a few days, they weren’t REALLY a priority, but at some point they really had to get finished. Just as he had settled in and his mind adjusted to the task, he heard quiet music coming from Dan’s room. He quickly saved where he was up to and slowly walked around into his flatmate’s room, the music becoming louder as he got closer. The door was open a jar and he pushed it open further. The room was a mess and his phone was sitting on his bed vibrating and ringing some vaguely familiar tune. He’d forgotten his phone, what a genius. Phil quickly picked up the call,  
“Hello, Dan’s phone,” he answered. A woman replied to him in a soft, gentle and professional voice, asking if Dan Howell was available, he was not. She asked for a time she could call back and apologetically informed Phil that she could not release Dan’s private information to him, she then wished him a good day and hung up. Where did she say she was from again? London Psychiatric Clinic? Dan hadn’t told him anything about appointments there, Dan hadn’t mentioned any appointments anywhere. Why did they have private information to give him? It was at this point that Phil had collapsed in a heap on his bed, quietly wondering and worrying about his closest friend.  
“Phil, do you want tea? I’m making tea,” Dan called out from a few rooms over, “I’m using the new Christmas mugs!” Dan had just walked through the door roughly 3 and a half hours after he had left, he was somewhat surprised that the flat was quiet and the kitchen was tidy with no cupboard doors open.  
“Christmas mugs? But it’s May?” Phil responded while dragging himself from his cocoon of bed clothes and making his way to the kitchen,  
“That’s why they were so cheap, here you go. It’s a cat with a Santa hat.”  
“Yeah, it is. It’s cute,” Phil said, looking at the grey tabby on the mug,  
“What’s the matter? You’re acting weird.” Dan smiled weakly at him, letting him know that it was okay to open up,  
“Yeah, I’m just really frustrated with myself and how poorly some of the editing is coming along,” he smiled, “I’ll be fine.” He wasn’t lying, he was frustrated and he knew he would be fine once he figured out what was going on. Truth be told, the only reason he felt so down was because he was so worried about Dan. Dan was worried about him because he was worried about Dan because Dan was worried about who knows what! He pulled himself together. It was only a bad day. 

The clock stuck 4am and Dan was still awake. He was making every effort to remain silent, but apparently everything you do is twenty times louder when you’re trying not to make noise. He was sprawled across his bed, the blankets heaped to one side and the only source of light came from the screen of his phone. He was tired, but his mind wouldn’t stop racing, thoughts swimming through his head. It’s just a thought, Dan. It’s just a thought. He could have sworn he felt the presence of something else in the room. Suddenly the dark was terrifying. He jolted upright, quickly got out of bed and ran to turn on the lights. He was alone. He left them on as he climbed back into bed and silently reprimanded himself for being so anxious and paranoid. For weeks the thoughts inside his head had been getting worse, getting scarier.  
At first it was the occasional, “If I walked out in front of that car, would I just get injured or would I die?” until it escalated to, “I should jump off this 8 story balcony.” Needless to say, it was becoming scarier and scarier, especially since he had absolutely no idea of how to convey this to Phil.  
“Well, you see, Phil, I don’t WANT to kill myself, I just don’t want to exist anymore and I have the strong urge to throw myself in front of a train. No, don’t get upset or worry! It’s FINE! I just want to be… not alive, it’s not a big deal. I don’t want to die, it’s just that I don’t exactly think I can continue to live.” Because that would most DEFINITELY go down well. What could he say? It was becoming overwhelming, it was too much. He unlocked his phone and opened Tumblr, he knew it was a bad idea but why not? He searched the suicide tag and just scrolled. There was some reassuring stuff from time to time, but the majority was somewhat disturbing. The reoccurring theme of self-harm echoed through his mind. It wasn’t something he hadn’t considered, but why not? Maybe it would be enough to stop the thoughts? Maybe it would soothe his mind to the point where death wasn’t the only way out? Maybe it would be the cure? He didn’t know, but he needed to find out. 

After about 5 hours sleep, Dan woke up and made his way to the kitchen. He poured some cereal and decided to eat it standing up in the kitchen, just planning his day and what he was going to say to Phil about heading to the shops later without arousing suspicion. Wait, in what way is shopping suspicious? Whatever. Just tell Phil you’re going out and smile. Lots of teeth.  
“Dan? What are you doing?” a voice spoke from behind him, causing him to jump and barely avoid spilling his food, he must have zoned out.  
“What?” Dan asked, slightly dazed. Phil rephrased the question,  
“Why are you eating standing up, facing the corner of the kitchen? Even by your standards that’s a little weird,” he laughed a little but his eyes told Dan that he was quite serious.  
“I just zoned out, it’s all good. I’m actually about to head out for, to, uh, for the… shop.”  
“Oh…kay? Is everything alright?”  
“Yeah, mate. I’ll see you later!” Dan put his hand on Phil’s shoulder and smiled at him before walking past him and out the door, leaving his cereal on the counter.  
Dan was gone and it was game time. What exactly was “game time”, you ask? It was time to go through Dan’s things. Phil hesitantly entered his friend’s room, his computer was open on Tumblr, no surprises there. He decided to go through the physical aspects of his room before snooping through his laptop, he looked through drawers, under the bed, in his sheets, the wardrobe; he didn’t even know what he was looking for, but he was sure he’d know it when he saw it. So far he hadn’t found anything, and then he saw it. A small box on top of the wardrobe. He had no idea what could have been in it, especially since it was so tiny, but it was peculiar, and peculiar was exactly what Phil was looking for. He reached up and grabbed it, it was a match box. Why did Dan need matches? He held his breath and opened the box.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil.   
> Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse.   
> *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Nothing in the drawers, nothing in the wardrobe, nothing under the bed, nothing unusual in his room at all except a half full box of matches. Basically, Phil had found nothing. He was relieved, but knew there was more to be explored on his computer. He knew it was an invasion of privacy but he also knew how important it was to make sure Dan was okay, and if he wasn’t going to ask for help, Phil was going to give it to him anyway. He deemed the computer clean within half an hour and decided to give up, he opened the browser window and began typing into the search bar to pull his Tumblr back up. The search bar. His search history. His computer was even linked to his phone so he could see the searches from both devices! The history was there in full, did he really want to read this? He swallowed the saliva that had gathered in his mouth and clicked on the days date: nothing but a Tumblr search for “Suicide”. Phil ran across the flat toward the kitchen where he’d left his phone and called Dan immediately,  
“Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick-”  
“Phil?” Dan answered, confused,  
“Um, yes.” Suddenly Phil had no idea of what to say, or what to do,  
“What’s up, is everything okay?”  
“Yes! Everything is fine! A, uh, lady called for you though. From the um, place.”  
“How’d she call for me? I’ve got my phone? What place?”  
“It was yesterday. You forgot your phone, remember? It was the London Psychiatric Clinic, and I didn’t know you were there for anything and I’ve just been worried, and I’m sorry for invading your privacy but-” the words just kept rambling out of Phil’s mouth before he was interrupted,  
“The London Psychiatric Clinic? Oh! No, I’m getting information from them for a, um, video about how the internet can… fuel harming behaviours!”  
“Really? Is that it? I feel really silly now, I’m so sorry… But you know that if something does happen or there’s something going on EVER, you can tell me, right?” Phil assured him, feeling a cross between relieved and sceptic. Dan was silent for a moment, but Phil could hear his deep breaths,  
“…I’m buying stationary. Do you want anything?” he finally said.  
“Nah, thanks. I’ll see you at home,” he ended the call. 

His mind flooded with relief and his chest, though still tight, didn’t feel like it was going to explode anymore. He was still sceptic, but it made sense, a lot of sense, but he couldn’t quite shake the feeling that something was off – it was probably just the nerves from before the call. He slumped down onto the chair in the sitting room, completely unbeknownst to what Dan was doing at that very moment.  
“Is that all for today, sir?” the cashier droned, with so little expression that Dan could have sworn he’d heard automated checkout machines with more energy.  
“Yep, thanks,” he answered, waiting for him to finish scanning the few items he’d picked out,  
“Just 2 metal sharpeners, a glue stick, a mini-screw driver and 2 feather pens?”  
“Yep,”  
“Alright, here you go,” the cashier said, limply handing him the plastic bag.  
Dan made his way home but stopped just outside the front door and took a breath, all he had to remember was to just be normal. Act natural. Don’t arouse suspicion. He opened the door and nonchalantly made his way through his home, passing Phil in the process.  
“Dan!” Phil exclaimed, shifting his position on the couch, inviting Dan to sit next to him,  
“Uh, yeah,” was all Dan could make out after the small shock of his plan not going, well, to plan.  
“So you got new stationary?”  
“Yeah, I got you a pen and some… glue,”  
“You got me some glue?” Phil laughed a little,  
“And a feather pen!” Dan laughed, pulling the pen from his shopping bag and handing it to Phil, looking him in the eyes with a smile.  
“Thanks Dan, this is great! Did you want to talk any more about my, um, complete and utter misunderstanding earlier?”  
“No, it’s fine, it’s a bit funny if you think about it,” Dan Laughed, “the existential crises haven’t lead me to insanity yet,”  
“Is that all it is? Sometimes I do wonder, and I worry, I see how… depressed you get sometimes,” Phil said, tilting his head slightly to the right.  
“I know, it is fine though, just me questioning my existence and fretting that I’ll never figure out my reason for being, nothing unusual,” he smiled back at his friend and left for his room, his mind filling with questions. Was this something he really wanted to try? Would it really make him feel better? Was it worth it? 

3 am. Darkness. Silence. Phil abruptly awoke to the sudden sound of a door closing. He opened his eyes and glanced towards his door, seeing that there was no light coming from the hallway. He sat up in his bed and pushed his duvet aside before gently pressing his feet to the floor and silently making his way to his bedroom door. He opened it slightly and peered out into the hallway, the bathroom door was closed. A yellow-white light seeped out from beneath the door, Dan was in there. He tip-toed over to the door and stood in silence outside, listening for any movement.  
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” Phil heard Dan whispering from inside, “Stop!” he continued to whisper as Phil listened, not knowing what to do or say, or even what was going on. Inside, Dan was oblivious to Phil’s presence. He looked down at his wrist, blood spilling from the 4 horizontal slits he had cut into his flesh. It wouldn’t stop bleeding, he’d tried washing it and putting pressure on with his towel and it still wouldn’t stop. He was scared. He enjoyed it, it was everything that he thought it would be, but if it kept bleeding then he would get caught. He held the towel on longer, lifting it every few seconds to check the bleeding. He had to admit, it was exhilarating, but he regretted cutting his wrists, it was the only place he could think of but it was also the most obvious and hardest to hide. He checked the bleeding again and it had nearly stopped, thank god. He washed it and sanitised it again before dressing it for the night. He opened the door, bloody towel in hand, and ran straight into Phil.  
“Shit!” he said, startled,  
“I’m so sorry! Um, are you okay?” Phil said, breaking the whispers,  
“Yeah, yeah, just tired. Night, Phil!” he walked back down to his room and shut the door, held the towel to his face and cried quietly, but not quietly enough. On the other side of the wall sat Phil, listening to the quiet sobs and holding Lion tightly,  
“I don’t know either, Lion,” he whispered to his worn, familiar friend, “I don’t know either.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil.  
> Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse.  
> *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

“Dan, it is midday. Dan…” Phil said, opening the door to Dan’s bedroom, “it’s 12pm.”  
“What?” Dan replied, groggily, “No, it’s not.”  
“Can you just get up? I’ve made lunch,”  
“Yep, okay, I’ll be out soon,” he rolled over and made his way out of the bed to get dressed. The two sat on the lounge and ate their sandwiches in silence, until finally Phil spoke,  
“I really care about you,” was all he said,  
“I care about you too,” Dan mumbled, “is something going on you wanted to talk about?” he finished more clearly,  
“I don’t know, you tell me.”  
“Nope, I’m fine, are you though, you’ve been acting weird for days now?”  
“Why are you wearing a jacket?”  
“Why are you being so paranoid?” Dan snapped,  
“What were you doing in the bathroom last night?” Phil pushed.  
“What were YOU doing OUTSIDE the bathroom last night?!” Dan yelled, getting up and storming out of the front door, leaving Phil feeling awful, alone in the flat. Dan got in the lift and stood there, fuming and tears welling in his eyes. He blinked them back until they became too much and began falling from his eyes. Phil ran out of the apartment and to the lift, he’d missed it, he turned and ran down the stairs, trying his best to avoid tripping over his own feet and falling to his doom. He pushed himself harder to beat the lift, and arrived at the ground floor just in time to watch the lift doors open and see Dan powerwalk out the building doors, his head down. Phil ran to catch up with him and placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder. Dan turned to look at him and their eyes met. Dan had been crying, Phil pulled him by the shoulder so that they were facing one another and wrapped his arms around him. Dan embraced both Phil and the hug that triggered even more tears, Phil could hear his sobbing and Dan listened to Phil’s steady breathing and tried to calm down.  
“I’m sorry,” whispered Dan, “I-I-I… I am so…”  
“I’m sorry, it’s okay, it’s not your fault, I’m sorry,”  
“We’re going to have to talk about this, aren’t we?” Dan spoke quietly into Phil’s ear before they broke the embrace,  
“Yes,” was all Phil could say. 

Dan didn’t lie. He didn’t tell the truth, but he didn’t lie. He’d told Phil about the appointments, he’d told Phil he’d stopped going, he’d told Phil that the appointments weren’t working for him. Phil understood. He told him that he was having scary thoughts, he even told him that he’d been overwhelmed by the feelings and the lack of feelings and the fear. He’d been so anxious. Phil was so accepting, so understanding, and so perfect about the entire situation. He was so kind. That was 3 weeks ago. Since their conversation, Dan had continued to hurt himself, taking more risks than before, cutting longer and cutting deeper, burning himself in unseen places, and he’d even thought about going further, he was addicted. It was 8pm and Phil was downstairs on YouNow while Dan laid on his bed and replayed Phil’s support in his head over and over again. He was both ashamed of his actions, and craving to do it again.  
Do it.  
He didn’t want to, but at the same time, he did.  
Do it.  
He held the blade in his hand, remembering the effort he went to to get it. He’d bought the sharpeners, the screw driver and spent a good 25 minutes trying to dismantle the damn thing. He flipped it around through his index finger and thumb. He looked at it and it saw the blurry reflection of the ceiling light, he dropped it onto his lap and just stared at it. It was sick.  
Do it.  
The thoughts racing through his mind were disturbing and disgusting, and he wanted to please them, he wanted to please the twisted voice in his head. It was his twisted voice that spoke from the back of his mind, he needed it. He picked up the blade and rolled up his sleeve, gazing at the multitudes of scars and cuts that had built up over the past few weeks. He dropped it in his lap again.  
Do it.  
He picked up the razor once more and walked to the bathroom, the only room in the flat with a lock. Locking himself in, he sat on the cool, tiled floor and admired his scars again.  
Do it! 

The metal collided with his skin and lightly grazed the surface, watching tiny baubles of blood form, Dan ran the razor over the surface again, deepening the cut. He did it again, and again and allowed the blood to flow. He watched the metallic, red substance leak from his veins and for the first time, he didn’t make it stop. He didn’t want it to stop. For a moment he wanted to run the bath and let himself bleed out into the water, but he had no energy. He had no motivation. He couldn’t have gotten himself into that bathtub even if he tried. He looked at his phone and realised that it had been an hour, it’d felt like minutes. Both of his wrists bleeding, cuts in multiple directions, slashes carved into his skin, he looked at himself and didn’t care. He didn’t care whether or not he lived or died, he wasn’t trying to kill himself, but he didn’t care if did. It felt so good and so horrible at the same time, he’d never felt such relief and he’d never felt such guilt… and then he didn’t feel anything. 

“Dan?!” Phil yelled, making his way through the flat, he’d finished up on YouNow and the entire place was quiet. He saw the bathroom door closed. It was locked. He banged on it, calling Dan’s name. No answer. He ran down the hall and checked both of the bedrooms, he raced back to the bathroom door and pounded on it and yelled Dan’s name, over and over again. He pressed his ear to the door and heard a quiet moan that could quite easily be mistaken for a sigh.  
“DAN!?” he screamed louder, but he didn’t respond. He threw his weight against the door as hard as he could, but it was no use. He paused to call Dan’s name again before remembering the brass doorstop on the balcony, he ran to grab it and noticed he was out of breath already. He ran back to the bathroom door and he held the heavy doorstop above the door knob and put his weight into smashing it down onto the handle, it fell apart and dropped to the floor a lot louder than he had anticipated, but he didn’t care. He kicked the door but it wouldn’t budge, he changed his approach he threw his entire body against the door again and it burst open. He stopped and looked at the lifeless body of his best friend laying on the cold bathroom floor. He couldn’t breathe. 

He grabbed Dan by the shoulders and shook his limp body, Phil felt like he was going to throw up but began to cry instead.  
“Dan, please…” he cried, “Please wake up.” He grabbed Dan’s phone and called an ambulance, hoping they could understand him through his hyperventilating.  
“WAKE! UP!” He screamed, demanding that Dan open his eyes and become responsive, but he didn’t. He looked at the cuts on his wrists and arms, wiping away his tears and feeling so foolish for not having noticed, they were still bleeding. He was still breathing, just barely. He dragged Dan’s slumped body into a flatter position on the floor, wrapped a couple of the hanging towels around his wrists and attempted his hand at resuscitation, he had no idea if it would help, but all he could tell was that he was lacking both blood and air. He held Dan’s nose and pressed his lips to Dan’s, pushing the air from his body into that of his friend. Phil could have sworn he saw Dan’s eyes flicker open for just a second, and then his chest began to rise and fall more steadily, just in time for the paramedics to arrive. Sitting in the ambulance, Phil clutched his friends hand, still trying (and failing) to hold the tears back. Was this heartbreak? Whatever it was, it was the most horrible feeling that Phil had experienced in his entire life.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil.   
> Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse.   
> *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

The walls were white, sterile, and clinical. It wasn’t quiet, but it wasn’t loud either, but he was suddenly aware of the sounds. Dan’s eyes blinked open slowly, his vision slightly blurred as he blinked a few more times to clear them, where was he? Was he still in the bathroom? This didn’t look like the bathroom. He opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a strange groan. He lifted his head and looked around the room, it was a hospital. How did he get there? He turned his neck to the other side of the room and saw Phil perched on the edge of the blue armchair in corner, his elbows were on his knees and he was crouched over with his head in his hands.  
“…hil?” he croaked, attempting to call his friend’s name, Phil lifted his head and a grin spread across his face,  
“Dan, you’re awake!” he exclaimed in an excited whisper, “How do you feel?”  
“Uhm, tired. A little confused,”  
“Do you know what happened?” Phil said softly, and Dan noticed how red his face was and the water in his eyes,  
“Well, I was in the- oh my god. Phil! Oh my god,” the memory came flooding back and hit him like a truck, “I am so sorry! I am so, so sorry! I didn’t mean for this to happen! I didn’t! I’m so sorry! Did you… Did you find me!?”  
“I found you. We need a new doorknob for the bathroom, by the way. Dan, why didn’t you tell me?” Phil uttered, higher pitched than usual and tears running down his face for the 4th time that day, causing Dan to break down and cry as well.  
“I’m sorry… I didn’t know how and I just, I…” Dan faulted, trying to apologise. Phil took Dan’s left hand in both of his and held it close to his chest as he continued to cry,  
“I’m sorry I didn’t notice. I should have. I should have noticed. Don’t worry, it’s all okay. You’re okay. You’re going to be okay. I’m okay. I’m here for you,” the words flooded from Phil’s mouth.  
“Three weeks,” Dan stated,  
“What?” Phil was confused,  
“You’re wondering how long I’ve been doing it.”  
“Doing what?”  
“Hurting myself, cutting myself, burning myself,” he admitted to Phil, his hands shaking.  
“You’ve been burning yourself?!” Phil almost exploded,  
“You… they… I thought you knew, from like, being here?”  
“No!” he cried, quickly pulling his hand to his mouth, “Jesus!”  
“I’m sorry…”  
“No, I just had no idea… Can I help? Can I help you stop? Please? Will you let me?” Phil begged, Dan nodded and opened his arms to him, embracing him in a hug.  
“I guess I took it too far, too fast,” Dan stated, Phil pulled out from their embrace,  
“No, Dan. You took it too far when you first broke the skin, when you first hurt yourself,” Phil began, “but now we’re going to work together and you’re going to recover and I’m going to be there to help you, whether you like it or not.” 

“Can I ask you something a bit weird?” Dan asked after the tears stopped flowing,  
“Sure,” Phil replied, no longer holding his hand.  
“Did you kiss me?” he asked quickly, sort of hoping that Phil wouldn’t hear him,  
“Did I kiss you?” Phil repeated, confused and embarrassed,  
“Yeah…”  
“…No, I didn’t.” he said, slumping back into the chair.  
“Sorry, I just felt like I had to ask,” Dan said, a slight laugh in his voice. Weird as it was, Phil was just happy that Dan still had a sense of humour. After a few hours, Dan was assessed by an assortment of doctors and checked on by a variety of nurses and it was decided that he was to stay in the hospital for observation. Phil visited him every day, staying as long as he could and equipping Dan with more things to pass the time with each visit. It was deemed that Dan was no longer a danger to himself or anyone else and he was released to go home with Phil after the four days had passed. It was a secret. No one knew but Dan and Phil, and that’s the way it had to stay. Dan was struggling with his feelings, his actions and his thoughts. It was going to be a long road to recovery. 

It was the first night Dan had spent back at home in his bed. He tossed and turned, on high alert for any sounds, he couldn’t sleep. He grabbed his phone and unlocked it before realising that he had nothing to do on it. He wanted something, but didn’t know what. He scrolled through his contacts and stopped on Phil’s name, he wanted to call him but he was literally in the next room asleep. He felt stupid. Phil was his friend, his support and gave Dan a sense of hope for his wellbeing, he wanted to hit “CALL” but what was the point? He turned off the screen and just laid there thinking for a while before getting up out of bed and soundlessly tiptoed out of his room and into Phil’s. He slowly lifted the doona up and gently climbed in next to Phil without disturbing him, resting his head on the pillow he just hoped that Phil wouldn’t wake up and freak out. He cuddled up to Phil, who was facing away from Dan, and he fell asleep. Phil’s eyes, full of sleep, blinked open briefly and sleepily rolled over. He felt Dan’s presence and was so glad that he was home, he slid his arm over Dan’s waist, pulling the two of them closer together and went back to sleep. 

The next morning Dan woke up to Phil’s arm around him and felt a little relieved that he wasn’t going to wake up and kick him out. He closed his eyes and basked in the feeling of having a friend so good to him, so supportive and caring, he truly appreciated everything Phil had done for him. He shifted his body a little further away from Phil’s, he didn’t want to give him the wrong idea, but Phil opened his eyes and greeted him kindly,  
“You okay?” he asked with a smile,  
“Yeah, I am, thanks,” Dan smiled back.  
“I figured you just needed to not be by yourself?”  
“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Thanks for being there for me, I know I haven’t made it easy,”  
“It’s alright, go shower and I’ll get cereal,” Phil laughed, putting his hand on Dan’s upper arm and looking him in the eye for just a second before forcing his eyes to look away, to look elsewhere, to look at the wall. Yes, the wall, because that wasn’t a strange thing to be staring at at all. For a straight man, Phil sure did find himself fantasizing about just grabbing Dan, his very male friend's, face and kissing him, more and more than he had ever conceived he would.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil.  
> Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse.  
> *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Dan reached up to grab a coffee mug from the back of the top cupboard, lifting his t-shirt a little in the process, Phil edged past him, his hand accidentally grazing the exposed part of Dan’s back gently. Phil immediately recoiled, despite the fact that Dan wouldn’t have thought it as anything more than the accident that it was. Phil rinsed his bowl and headed to shower, silently checking in on Dan before closing the bathroom door. He carelessly threw his near-fluorescent green towel down on the counter and admired the reflection of his bright blue eyes. He stripped down and looked at his pale body in the mirror, instinctively fixing his hair and playing with his fringe despite the fact that he was just about to wash it. 

He turned to his right and looked at the corner of the room as he readjusted the taps a little more, he blinked and the floor was suddenly tarnished with a pool of blood. He couldn’t stop staring at the red liquid and noticing the small accents around the edges where it had begun to leak from the pool, his chest tightened. He tried to scream, but he couldn’t even force the air from his lungs out, he was frozen. He forced his eyes closed and with that the floor was spotless. The gore was gone. He exhaled and stumbled back a little bit, struggling to maintain any sort of balance, he put his hand on the wall for support. The image of Dan laying there in a pool of his own blood flashed through his mind with every blink, he felt sick. His body looked so lifeless, his face, especially his lips, so drained of colour, his arms bleeding profusely, his existence slowly slipping away with each milliliter of blood that dripped or spewed from his veins. Phil fell onto his hands and knees, the pain of hitting the cold, hard tiles ricocheted through his knees and spread upward throughout his other bones. He felt dizzy, each blink brought with it the same image, each time in more vivid detail. His mouth filled with saliva that he was unable to swallow, the sound of the running shower grew fainter as the blood pumping in his ears grew faster and louder. 

“DAN!?” Phil heard his own voice scream from outside the bathroom before the banging began, he could hear himself breaking the door knob, forcing the door open and bursting in. Just as the Phil of the past caught sight of what was inside, the Phil of the present watched as blood seeped up out of the tiles, pooling in two key places before the image of Dan turned from translucent to solid. He choked on his saliva as he watched himself react to the motionless boy on the ground before him. He couldn’t hold it back any more, his stomach emptied as he coughed and spluttered, violently throwing up all over the floor in front of him. He opened his eyes and specs of light danced around in front of his eyes, he felt vile and uneasy. His arms, the only things stopping his face from landing in a mass of his own vomit, became shaky. He took a deep breath and pulled his body away from the mess, sitting up against the wall, just breathing. He looked up at the corner just in time to watch his teary self use his thumb and forefinger to clench Dan’s nose closed and press his lips to Dan’s, filling his lungs with air. He watched Dan’s face as his eyes fluttered open for just a single moment before his eyes closed once more, forming crescent moons on his cheeks. The image slowly faded away, Phil’s heart beat faster but time stood still as he witnessed both himself and Dan disappear from the bathroom. It was over. He swallowed the excess saliva that had gathered in his mouth once more and stood up, still seeing stars. He tried to walk to the door but lost his balance and his naked body fell back against the cool wall with a loud thud before sliding back down towards the floor, eyes closed, and the sounds of the running shower calming his rapid breathing. 

Dan paced back and forth in his bedroom, fumbling with Phil’s Lion. He’d taken it from Phil’s room, he just needed someone to talk to that wouldn’t judge him and from what he could tell, Lion was very good at that. He didn’t even have to speak audibly, Lion knew exactly what he was thinking. Phil cares about you. There was a loud bang in the bathroom, what was Phil doing in there? He must’ve dropped a shampoo bottle or something, they’re known for making a hell of a lot of noise when dropped. He sat in his room, scrolling through Tumblr with Lion, until he realized that he could still hear the water running. Phil had been in the shower for a while… Dan strolled past the bathroom back into the kitchen, the door was still closed. Phil must have been in there for over an hour, the water was still running. He knocked on the door but there was no response. He called out Phil’s name and knocked harder. 

“Phil, is this some kind of joke, or pay back for when I was in the bathroom when, um…?” Dan asked loudly through the door, “Phil? If you don’t answer me, I’m just going to come right in. I don’t care if you’re in the shower or not, you’re scaring me.” There was no answer. This must have been how Phil felt when he found him, he felt something hard in his throat as he pushed the still broken door open. His eyes looked straight at the shower, the water was running but Phil wasn’t in there. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadow by the shower, he turned his head and his sight collided with the presence of Phil, asleep… no, passed out, on the tiled bathroom floor by a puddle of what he could only assume was his own vomit. Dan hesitated before taking a step forward and crouching down in front of Phil. He reached out and pushed Phil’s fringe out of his eye and gently tapped his left cheek a few times, quietly repeating his name and ignoring Phil’s nakedness. Dan stood up and turned off the shower before grabbing the neon green towel from the bench and draping it over Phil’s skinny body, but not before quickly glancing at the area between his legs. Apparently Phil wasn’t just well endowed when it came to finance.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil.  
> Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse.  
> *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

“How’re you feeling?” Dan asked Phil, handing him a cup of tea. It was the goddamn cat with a Santa hat mug again.  
“Yeah, I’m not entirely sure what happened in there, to be honest with you,” he took a sip from his drink and continued, “How’re you feeling?”  
“Not great, I’ve been getting urges to hurt myself again, and obviously I’m not just going to get better overnight,”  
“I understand… If, you know, you feel like you need help, I’m here for you,” Phil said, readjusting the towel tied around his waist while the two of them sat comfortably close to each other on the couch. Dan reached over and wrapped his arms around Phil’s cold, bare torso, thanking him for his support.  
“Did you even make it into the shower at all? Dan laughed a little, breaking the hug,  
“No! I just kind of, died, I guess, before I got in!” Phil laughed and put the memory of Dan’s unconscious body to the back of his mind. The last thing he wanted to do was make Dan feel responsible for him passing out and having flashbacks. Phil was resilient, he would be perfectly fine in a few days.  
“I’m taking my medication again,” Dan interrupted Phil’s thoughts,  
“What do you mean again?”  
“I’ve been on medication for a little while now. Well, I was meant to be, but about 15 or 16 months ago I just stopped taking it. I started taking it again yesterday,”  
“That’s really good, is that for depression or..?”  
“Yeah, so maybe that’ll help. It’s not a miracle pill or anything though,” Dan explained,  
“I’m proud of you for trying to get better, I’m really proud, I can see you’re trying. I just have to ask you something…” Phil began,  
“Yeah, what is it?”  
“What’ve you been using to, well, hurt yourself?” he finished enquiring,  
“…Matches. And I pulled apart a, uh, metal sharpener. Boiling water, too.”  
“Jesus… Fuck, Dan…” Phil swore, which he rarely did, indicating his strong feelings about Dan’s confession, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. This is just a bit of a trust thing, okay? I don’t really trust you to not do it again,” Phil continued,  
“No, I get it, and it’s completely fine. It’s not something you really want to hear and I know you don’t want me to do it again, so I’m going to try my best not to,”  
“Can you give them to me? The matches and the razor blades?” Phil asked, Dan knew that he couldn’t say no. If he said no, Phil would probably search for them without any regard for his privacy.  
“Okay,” Dan said, nodding to Phil, “I’ll go get them,” Dan got up and Phil followed. 

Why was Phil following him? Was he going to check and make sure he was handing it all over? Dan understood that he might not entirely trust him, but was this necessary? Dan pulled out a match box from inside his pillow case and opened it up to Phil, revealing the matches and a metal blade, then handed it to Phil. Phil continued to look at Dan expectantly, when Dan didn’t react he looked disappointed.  
“Is this everything?” Phil asked, looking deeply into his dark, brown eyes. Dan felt like a little boy again, he nodded and tried to exit the room in hopes that Phil would come with him. Phil wrapped his hand around Dan’s wrist, pulling him back into the room and planting him right in front of him.  
“Don’t,” Phil instigated, staring Dan down,  
“you,” he walked across to the wardrobe, still holding Dan by the wrist,  
“lie,” he reached up and felt for the match box he knew was up there and seized it in his other hand before pulling it down and showing Dan,  
“to,” he continued to speak, his words harsh and full of concern. He opened the box and revealed more matches and now a second metal razor blade that Phil was completely unaware of,  
“me.” Phil stared down into the box at the blade that hadn’t been there before, shocked.  
“I… I… Phil…” Dan started to explain, feeling a strong tugging feeling in his heart,  
“Don’t, Dan. I tried to start this off by trusting you, and I really believed I could, but you let me down. Stop crying, Dan, no one made you lie to me about this,” Phil turned and walked away with both boxes in his hand. He walked down the stairs and out the front door to dispose of the weapons of self-destruction. Dan slumped down onto his bed, he felt so guilty. Why did he lie to Phil? Phil was just trying to help, and he let him down! He seemed so angry, so disappointed… Did he blow it? Did he lose his only support? Did Phil… hate him? He squirmed his way down into the covers and lay there, deep in thought until he fell asleep. 

Phil rolled over and checked the time, it was two in the morning. He paused for a moment and decided that he may as well go to the bathroom so he wouldn’t wake up in an hours’ time and have to go really badly. He lightly stepped his way to the bathroom and once inside was thankful for the fact that he hadn’t had any more flash backs. On his way back to his room he stopped to look in on Dan, they hadn’t spoken since Phil had left earlier to get rid of the blades and matches, by the time he’d come home Dan had fallen asleep. Now, though, Dan was rolled over in his bed facing the other way and muttering something to himself.  
"I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please don’t hate me, please don’t hate me, please don’t hate me, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” his short-breathed whispers repeated, over and over. Phil stood in the doorway long enough for Dan to loop the phrases around roughly 5 or 6 times, he wandered over to Dan and climbed into his bed, Dan didn’t seem to notice. Phil placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder, turning him a little more toward himself, Dan stopped whispering.  
“Hey,” he whispered to Dan, “I don’t hate you, okay?” he brushed his thumb against Dan’s cheek, wiping away the cold tears slowly dropping from his eyes, “It’s okay, I don’t hate you.” Dan tried to breathe in deeply, but shuddered instead, his bottom lip trembling,  
“I wish,” Dan faulted a whisper, “I was dead,” tears continuing to stream down his face,  
“No, hey, come here,” Phil whispered back, pulling Dan closer to himself, “if you died I would be devastated. I couldn’t live without you, I refuse to live without you.”  
“I’m so sorry… I’m sorry, I want to get better…” Dan uttered meekly,  
“It’s okay, I’m always going to be here for you,” Phil smiled down at him. Dan rolled over to fully face Phil, pulling Phil down to his level in the process, he took Phil’s arm and draped it over his body and firmly placed his own hand on the small of Phil’s back and pulled him closer,  
“Please, stay with me?” he gazed deeply into Phil’s eyes before closing his own. Phil felt a twang ping through his heart, this particular twinge was different from any other feeling he’d ever had from a friend. Phil held Dan’s hand in his own and whispered to his friend,  
“I’ll stay.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil.  
> Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse.  
> *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

The sunlight shone through Dan’s bedroom window, it bounced off of every reflective surface in the room and made patterns and shapes on the ceiling. Phil’s eyes slowly flickered open as he suddenly became aware of the natural light hitting his face. His eyelids were heavy with sleep, he readjusted his position next to the deeply sleeping Dan, briefly brushing his hand against his own crotch in the process. He continued to make himself comfortable and shut his eyes again, ready to cuddle down into the bed, wait, what?! His eyes opened again in a flash and he fumbled his hand back between his legs, just to confirm what he already knew… He was hard. He wriggled his body just ever-so-slightly away from Dan’s, the last thing he needed was for Dan to see, or worse, feel, his entirely unsubtle erection. He rolled over, facing away from his sleeping friend and thought of anything he could to make it go away, dead kittens, his mother, Dan, nothing would make it go down! He closed his eyes, hoping it would subside. His mind continued to wander back to Dan, which usually wouldn’t have been a problem except his erection continued to throb harder and harder – he was getting more and more turned on at the thought of Dan, his friend. 

Dan took in a deep breath and let it out comfortably before rolling over onto his other side to investigate Phil. Phil was obviously awake and for some reason he was tucked up into a ball and tightly hugging one of Dan’s stray pillows and facing away from him, his dark hair was a little bit messy and his body looked tense.  
“Uh, Phil?” Dan smirked, “That doesn’t look all that comfortable. Do you think that, I don’t know, maybe you want to roll over and get a little more relaxed?”  
“No, I’m fine here, thanks,” Phil spoke into the pillow,  
“…are you okay?”  
“Yes! Yeah, yeah. I’m totally okay, I’m just really… comfortable,”  
“Alright then…” Dan said, slightly dejected. Phil could hear it in his voice and rolled over to face Dan anyway, ensuring he would not notice his shame.  
“How are you feeling this morning, Dan?”  
“I feel okay, I’m really sorry about lying to you yesterday. I promise, I promise you, Phil, it won’t happen again,” Dan assured him.  
“I’m glad you feel better, and I know it won’t. I believe you, and I’m still here for you, okay?”  
“Thank you,” Dan sighed and smiled at Phil as he flung his leg out of the bed and continued to slowly make his way out of the bed, fixing his hair in the process, “I’m gonna put the kettle on.” Dan walked out of the door, Phil watching him the entire way, admiring his boxers. 

He slipped out of the bed, checking that Dan was out of sight before making a bee-line for the bathroom. Phil hopped into the shower, the water was warm and soothing to all of the confusing thoughts spinning through his mind. The idea of Dan, or any other male for that matter, had never turned him on before, had it? He delved into the deepest, furthest parts of his mind and memory, as best he could at least, and as hard as he tried to recall something, anything, he couldn’t. He’d never found himself attracted to men in the past, minus occasionally admiring a guy or two that he found to be particularly outstanding, but that was normal, wasn’t it? He shampooed then conditioned his hair and washed his body, breathing in the scent of the body wash. He felt his member pulsate as he washed himself, Dan in mind; he refused to act on his unexpected urges. He was definitely attracted to women, he just was, there was no way he could just suddenly be attracted to a man when his entire life he had exclusively been into people of the female variety... Or did he just assume that he had been? He rinsed himself off and felt pure relief at the fact that his erection had finally diminished. 

Dan sat on the couch scrolling through Tumblr, rewarding himself for finishing the editing for a video and finally uploading it. He looked up just in time to watch Phil round the corner, his hair still quite damp and he was untucking parts of his grey and purple t-shirt from his jet-black skinny jeans, his phone in his mouth.  
“Hmmfthaheradoort?” the muffled sound escaped his mouth,  
“Yes, Phil, because I can EASILY understand that,” Dan replied sarcastically, Phil pulled his phone from his mouth and repeated himself,  
“How’re we going to fix the door?”  
“The bathroom door?” Dan asked,  
“No, the front door,” Phil tried his hand at sarcasm,  
“Okay, so the bathroom door. Should we just buy a new knob?”  
“Yeah, I’ll go buy a new one later today,” Phil decided,  
“Since we both know how much you enjoy looking at knobs, right mate?” Dan joked, winking to Phil.  
“…what?” Phil was shocked, did Dan know? How the hell would Dan know when he didn’t even know?!  
“Relax, it’s a joke!” he laughed, completely unaware of how fast Phil’s heart was beating inside his chest. 

Lion watched on as Dan entered Phil’s bedroom, Phil had left to buy a new door knob roughly 20 minutes earlier and now here Dan was, sneaking into the bedroom. He opened drawers, frantically rummaging through them and placing everything back exactly where he had found them. He turned and saw Lion. Lion remained still as Dan approached, and his mane flattened when Dan picked him up, revealing what he was hiding beneath him, the key to Phil’s bottom drawer. He plucked the key from its hiding place and plopped Lion back where he was, kneeling down and unlocking the draw. Inside were paper-record bills, some chocolate and a small baggie full of medium-sized, white pills. Phil’s painkillers from when he had his appendix removed a few short months before. At the time, Phil said he didn’t really feel the need for anything stronger than paracetamol, but Dan knew that he wouldn’t have thrown them away – heck, he knew that Phil had probably forgotten about them ages ago. He shoved the baggie full of pills into his pocket, locked the drawer and gently placed the key back underneath Lion, apologizing to the feline for the disturbance on his way out. He sat on the edge of his bed and tore open the top of the clear plastic bag and pressed four of the pills between his thumb and forefinger before pulling his hand out of the bag and moving it up toward his face. He opened his lips and flicked them into his mouth all at once, the texture was powdery, they tasted like poison and felt like they were going to get stuck in his throat, but he ignored it. He swallowed and repeated.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil.  
> Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse.  
> *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

A deep breath in, a deep breath out. A deep breath in, a deep breath out. Dans chest rose and fell in perfect, even movements, he felt good. The recommended dosage for the strong painkillers was a single tablet, he’d taken 8. He didn’t know why he did it, the thought had just popped into his mind and it seemed so perfect. The compulsion to hurt himself was there, he was just instinctively coming up with new ways to do it. If he couldn’t hurt the outside of his body, he was going to hurt the inside so that no one could possibly find out. It wasn’t as bad as cutting himself, was it? There was no blood, no blisters, no burns, and he was greeted with a euphoric sensation shortly afterwards. It was faultless. Mere moments after he had gotten comfortable he heard the sound of keys coming from somewhere in the flat, it was Phil. He liked Phil, Phil was nice and comforting and-  
sssshhhhhhh, Phil was coming!  
“Hey Dan, how are you?” Phil popped his head around the corner of Dans door frame,  
“I’m Dan,” Dan said, rather relieved at his lucidity.  
“Yes, you are… Ah, I’m just going to put this door knob onto the door, you alright?”  
“I’m very right,” Dan smiled, thinking that he had been acting quite casually.  
As Phil screwed in the last screw to secure the door handle into place, he let out a thankful sigh. This had to be a sign of improvement, a sign that soon things would be normal, Dan would eventually be okay and Phil would no longer have anything to question. Phil settled himself down on the couch and closed his eyes. For a moment everything was dark, quiet and peaceful, he could feel himself slowly drifting off to sleep when suddenly he jolted up-right and his eyes flashed open. He looked around the room, everything was off in colour, everything was there as usual, but it just didn’t look or feel right. He stood up, he was woozy for a second but gathered his balance, and he could hear a very faint hum of white noise and couldn’t determine where it was coming from; it was in the air. He wandered towards Dan’s room in search of his friend, maybe he knew what was going on, perhaps even shed some light on the situation. The door was closed so Phil knocked three times and called out his name,  
“Come in,” he heard Dan’s voice call seductively from inside. Obviously it was some kind of joke, right? Phil released the door and opened his mouth to speak when he looked up and saw him. Dan, surrounded by a few candles and sitting on his bed in tight, grey boxers. What the fuck was going on?!  
“What… uh, what are you doing?” Phil managed to get out while his eyes inspected every inch of both Dan’s body and the scene around him,  
“You.” Phil watched Dan’s mouth form the word, he heard it escape from his lips and his heart began to beat faster and faster,  
“No, Dan,” he stated firmly and turned to exit the room.  
“Come here,” Dan’s voice demanded, beckoning him to obey, Phil turned around again and his eyes met Dan’s. As if he were powerless, Phil walked across the dimly lit bedroom and crawled up to where Dan sat, he looked up at Dan, it felt like a cage of butterflies had been broken open inside his chest, and fluttered around his heart before making their way to his stomach. He parted his lips to speak but Dan gently took his face in his two hands and guided his face closer and closer until their lips met and Dan took control of the passionate kiss. Phil’s eyes closed just milliseconds before Dan’s lips met his own, he shuffled closer to the dominant boy and let Dan continue to kiss him. Their tongues entwined, and he could feel Dan’s hands running through his black hair, breathing in one another’s breath. Dan paused and lifted Phil’s face to the same level as his own and stared into his eyes,  
“I love you,” he whispered to Phil, proceeding to kiss down his neck, then his chest. Phil moaned a quiet moan, basking in the pleasure and feeling the outline of Dan’s pulsating erection against his body and his own erection growing in his pants. Dan made his way back up to Phil and stroked his face with his hand, Phil looked into Dan’s eyes and suddenly they were empty, like no one was there. His face felt wet, he put his hand up to his cheek and the substance was sticky, he looked at it in the light of a nearby candle and it shone a glossy red. Blood. He looked at Dan’s hands, they too were covered in the blood leaking from a multitude of cuts and slits on his wrists. Phil looked up at Dan, clutching his arms to stop the bleeding.  
“Dan, look at me!” Phil called out, “Dan!”  
“I’m sorry, Phil,” Dan exhaled before falling lifelessly to the floor. Phil leaped off the bed to help him, but he found himself falling, falling, falling, into a pit of darkness, he screamed but no one was there, no one could hear him.  
Dan wandered into the living room and past the body of his sleeping friend, he walked back into the kitchen and poured the boiling water into his mug and just as he was putting the milk back into the fridge he heard Phil screaming in the living room. He dropped the milk on the floor and ran to Phil, he was sat up on the couch, his face an extremely pale white. He looked ill, he looked shaken, and in fact he was shaking. Dan slowly approached him,  
“Are you alright?” he said, trying to keep his voice calm and steady,  
“Dan?!” he breathed a sigh of relief, “You’re okay!” he leaped up from his seat and wrapped his arms around him,  
“Yes? I’m okay…” Dan chuckled, he was a little confused. He peeled Phil off of him and sat beside him on the lounge, completely forgetting about his mess in the kitchen.  
“It was a dream,” Phil began, “but it was all so real… It was so strange,”  
“But it’s over now, you don’t have to worry about any of it anymore,” Dan tried to help. The dream was of the two things he was fearing the most, the two things he still had to face while he was awake; his strange, new, unrequited feelings and desires, and the possibility of not just losing Dan’s friendship, but losing him entirely - to death. Dan’s death was what he feared the most, especially by his own hands.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

“No.”  
“Come on, Phil! It’s just ONE appointment!” Dan pleaded to his slender friend,  
“I don’t want to, and that’s that,” Phil continued to protest.  
“Just come with me, you’ve got an appointment and you should go! It won’t hurt!”  
“I don’t need to see a counselor,”  
“Everyone needs a little bit of help sometimes, just give it a go. Even I’m noticing that you’re struggling with something, especially after that nightmare a couple weeks ago. Please, Phil. For me?” Phil considered this, he had to admit that Dan had a point. Dan had a phycologist appointment around the same time, so he knew that he wouldn’t have to go into the building alone.  
“Fine,” he stammered, “but don’t make appointments for me without asking first again, because I won’t go,” Dan smiled and handed him his coat and they exited the building together. Phil was terrified at the idea of having to reveal his own private, personal feelings and thoughts to a complete and utter stranger, but he figured that since he was going to be there in that room, for an hour, with a stranger, he may as well take advantage of it. He stepped out of the elevator onto the 4th floor of the building, this entire floor was dedicated to mental health. Posters littered the walls, depicting mental disorders and scenarios that may induce stress, Dan ignored them, he’d seen them all before. Phil looked up and scanned each one with his eyes as he followed Dan to the receptionist, Dan quickly turning his head to check that Phil was still behind him. Dan checked them both in and they sat in the green waiting room waiting for their appointments.  
“Daniel H?” a man’s voice called out from one of the private offices, Dan placed his hand on Phil’s knee and smiled encouragingly to his clearly very anxious friend before disappearing into the office. Phil looked around at the brochures on the walls, catching the eye of the plump, female receptionist whom proceeded to smile at him. 

“Phillip L?” another voice called from an office just opposite from the one Dan was in, Phil stood up and made his way into the office, the councilor closing the door behind him.  
“Hi Phillip, I’m Joshua,” the man smiled, “Do you prefer Phil, or Phillip?”  
“Uh, just Phil,” he answered, “It’s nice to meet you,”  
“You too, Phil,” Joshua smiled again, “now, what brings you here today? I see it’s your first appointment?”  
“Yeah, well, my flat-mate, Dan, he’s my best friend, he made the appointment for me and, um,” Phil struggled to explain, “This morning he convinced me to actually come.”  
“Well, that’s great! He sounds like he’s a good friend to you, am I right in assuming that?”  
“Yeah, Dan’s amazing, I don’t know what I’d do without him,” Phil admitted, Joshua nodded.  
“Tell me a little about your friendship with Dan,”  
“Well, we’ve been friends for ages, he used to watch my YouTube videos and then we got in contact and when we finally met in person we just really seemed to get along. After a little while our friendship just kind of grew, I guess and eventually we moved in together and we’re two entirely separate people, but we’re a team. We work together, do videos together, radio shows, live together, but it just works.”  
“Do you ever fight?”  
“Rarely, and if we do, it doesn’t last long,”  
“Alright then,” Joshua smiled and flipped over his piece of paper. Phil sat rigidly on the edge of the couch, he pushed back his fringe and revealed his bright blue eyes to his councilor.  
“So, why did Dan decide to make you an appointment?”  
“He says I’ve been acting strange, and he’s right, I’m just too scared to tell him what’s going on,” Phil shook his head, embarrassed.  
“What’s going on?” Joshua asked,  
“A few weeks ago I… I couldn’t find Dan and, he was in the bathroom… I had to break the door,” Phil said slowly,  
“Why did you have to break the door?”  
“It was locked and Dan wasn’t responding…”  
“Then what happened?” Joshua pushed,  
“Dan was in there, unconscious in a pool of his own blood… He… he cut his wrists and he was bleeding so much and I couldn’t stop it…” tears fell from Phil’s face, leaving distinct droplet shaped marks on his shirt.  
“How did you feel?”  
“Terrified. I thought he was dead. He almost was dead. I tried to wake him up, but I couldn’t… the ambulance took him to the hospital.”  
“I’m sorry that you had to find him like that, how are you coping at home?”  
“I’m doing okay, I’m resilient and I can cope, it’s just that… I’ve had flashbacks and dreams and it’s really scaring me. I can’t lose Dan.”  
“I understand that the prospect of a close friend dying is a terrifying one, an-” Joshua was cut off,  
“I think I’m gay.” Phil blurted out, the butterflies in his stomach violently attacking him from the inside, it was completely unrelated but if he didn’t say it then, then he never would.  
“Okay, well, there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to men. It’s perfectly okay and perfectly normal,” Joshua reminded him.  
“I’ve never been attracted to men before, I thought I was straight. I thought I was attracted to women, but when I think back, I don’t think I was…”  
“That’s also very common as well, though some people do find it to be very confronting,”  
“In my dream, Dan and I… we were… getting intimate, and then half way through…” Joshua nodded to encourage him to continue, “Dan’s eyes were empty and his wrists were bleeding profusely and he… he apologized and disappeared into the darkness,”  
“Have you spoken to Dan about this?”  
“NO!” Phil protested just at the thought of it, “Dan can’t know about this. He can’t know about the dreams or the flashbacks or my feelings. It’ll tear him apart and/or tear the two of us apart…”  
“Do you love him?” Joshua probed, Phil took a moment to think before looking up at Joshua,  
“I don’t know. I don’t think that I’m at the point where I could say I love him, or that I’m in love, but I think that maybe one day I could be.”

Dan fidgeted in his seat, after the incident with the hospital the people he saw were more straight forward in their questions in his weekly sessions, it felt harsh and he felt a strong sense of judgment that, to be fair, was probably just in his head.  
“Are you still hurting yourself?” Ian, his psychologist, asked him,  
“I haven’t cut myself in 3 or 4 weeks, or burned myself,” he answered truthfully, purposely not mentioning the pills he’d been taking compulsively over the past couple of weeks.  
“That’s really good. How’ve you managed to cope with your feelings and urges to do so?”  
“Phil is still supporting and helping me, if it gets overwhelming he helps me through it,”  
“So Phil is still in the picture?” Ian asked him,  
“Well, yeah. Why wouldn’t he be?”  
“Sometimes people do find it difficult to support someone going through so much, especially things like Depression, Anxiety Disorder and Borderline-Personality Disorder, all of which you are currently battling,”  
“Yeah…”  
“I’m very glad that you have somebody so reliable,” he began to conclude, “So I guess I’ll see you next week? Just call tomorrow to book in your appointment if you haven’t already,” he scribbled something else into his note book as Dan shut the door on the way out. He took a seat in the waiting room and within 10 minutes Phil emerged into the waiting room, Dan flashed him a smile as he got up to leave with him.  
“How’d it go?” he asked Phil, his brown eyes wide with anticipation,  
“It was good. I’m glad you forced me to come,” Phil laughed, the pair rode down in the lift together and made their way home.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Phil was determined not to be attracted to men. He had absolutely nothing against homosexuality, he would have encouraged anyone else to embrace their sexuality, no matter what it was, but he was scared. He felt like a hypocrite for feeling that way, but his number one concern and priority was his life and relationship with Dan. It was selfish, so selfish, he felt disgusted by his self-centeredness but he had to be, his friendship with Dan was so important, especially while he was struggling with this and Dan was struggling with his mental health. If Phil wasn’t there for him, who would be? He couldn’t risk Dan isolating himself and reverting back to self-harm, and as far as Phil knew, Dan was doing so well.  
"Hey, Phil?" Dan asked softly, gently tapping on his half-open bedroom door, "Do you mind if I borrow your phone? Mine isn’t working, I’m not sure why,”  
“Yeah, sure!” Phil chimed, “Here you go,” he tossed Dan the phone and flashed him a smile.  
“Thank you!” Dan exclaimed, walking over to Phil and handing him a glass of water, “You can have this in return,” he laughed. Phil thanked Dan with a laugh and sat up a little more in his bed as Dan exited the room. Dan unlocked Phil’s phone and quickly hit the numbers on the screen with his left thumb, he pushed his brown fringe from his eyes and waited for the person on the other end to pick up.  
Dan rounded the corner into Phil’s bedroom and tossed his phone back to him so that it landed right on his legs, behind Phil’s laptop, on top of the duvet. Phil jumped, he was completely unaware of Dan’s presence in his room, and he quickly closed all of the tabs on his laptop as soon the realisation struck. Dan noticed.  
“What have you been doing that you don’t want me to see?” he laughed playfully, taking a seat on the edge of bed by Phil,  
“Nothing, what’re you up to?” he replied, attempting to change the subject, Dan dropped the topic and continued the conversation with an audible exhale through his nose,  
“Just made my appointment for next week, the number’s still in your phone if you want to make another one for yourself, but I’m not going to push you,” he smiled to Phil, and adjusted the duvet around him as he climbed on top of the bed and took a seat next to his elder.  
“I think I’m okay with just the one, it was good to just get some weird stuff off my mind, but if things change then I’ll go back,” Phil spoke to Dan,  
“You can always talk to me if you want. I know that you support me when I need it, but I want you to know that I’m here for you too, it swings both ways,”  
“…it swings both ways,” Phil murmured to himself very quietly, Dan could barely hear.  
“Yep, do you want to watch a movie later?” Phil nodded in reply. 

Phil didn’t know what movie they were watching, there were murderers, ghosts, demons and a whole lot of nudity. Dan had made a joke earlier that he would go down the op-shop and buy the cheapest DVD in there, apparently he had followed through because this certainly wasn’t something they’d watch on a regular day.  
“Fuck…” Dan whispered to himself under his breath, shuffling in his seat on the couch, Phil’s eyes flicked over to his friend and subtly watched as he adjusted himself in the area between his legs. The woman on the screen was dripping from head to toe with water, she wore nothing but a tight, white singlet that exposed the lower of her stomach and a flesh coloured thong, leaving nothing to the imagination. The cotton clung to her flesh, the faint colour of her nipples emerged through the wet fabric. Phil looked over again, Dan was obviously turned on. Phil looked back at the screen and tried to become engrossed in the scene, he watched her breasts bounce in tiny circles and was fascinated, he enjoyed it – just as he always had, except it felt stagnant. He wasn’t turned on. He couldn’t imagine himself being turned on by it. He’d always assumed that because he was intrigued by, and liked, breasts, that that meant he was straight. Dan, though, obviously was.  
Dan, sitting quietly with his hands in his lap, covering his protruding erection, looked over at Phil, having noticed that Phil had looked in his direction a couple of times. Phil seemed so captivated by the movie, specifically the nude extract that quickly turned to a sex scene, and yet he seemed to be able to keep himself (and his body) under control. If he did have an erection then he was hiding it very well. Dan’s face turned a light shade of red, what if Phil had noticed his indignity and was silently laughing at him? Was Phil judging his ability to keep himself under control?  
“She’s really hot, yeah?” Phil blurted out, trying to compensate for his paranoia,  
“She REALLY is…” Dan laughed a little,  
“I could tell you thought so,” Phil laughed some more, Dan laughed and hid his face in his hands, mocking his embarrassment.  
“I know…” he laughed, “I don’t normally… like, you know… have this problem,”  
“You’re not normally,” he forced a cough, “by attractive women?” he chuckled,  
“No, I am! But… God, Phil…” he smiled and giggled a little. The scene in the movie suddenly turned dark, this was where the supernatural murder began, Phil assumed. He wasn’t really watching, he noticed that Dan was paying a fair bit of attention though. Phil could predict that Dan would regret watching this later.  
“What about guys?” Phil decided to enquire,  
“This is weird… Why are we talking about this?”  
“It’s not that weird, is it? I mean, lots of people… it’s normal,”  
“I guess so… I’m pretty sure I just like women. What about you?” Dan answered. Phil felt his heart sink, he felt sick. Disappointment. He thought, quickly as to not arouse suspicion from lack of an answer to Dan’s question, he couldn’t tell him. He just couldn’t. He wanted to, but maybe he was just confused. He decided not to tell him,  
“Same.”

Phil laid in his bed in the pitch black, his mind ticking over his conversation with Dan earlier that night. Dan was straight. He couldn’t do anything to change that, just like he couldn’t change the fact that he was attracted to Dan. Why was he so upset about Dan not being into men? There were plenty of other people, including guys, out there! I mean, he wanted Dan. His heart ached for Dan. He’d never experienced real heart break before, but he knew that this was it. Meanwhile, one wall away, Dan too laid in his bed in the dark of the night. He’d been trying to sleep for over an hour but he felt unsafe, he was scared. At any moment he could be murdered by an intruder. At any moment a ghost could reveal itself and attack him. It was irrational and he knew it. He heard a noise outside and jumped, giving out a small squeal in doing so. He tucked himself up and covered his head with the duvet for safety. Suddenly he heard a noise from inside the flat, not just the flat, but outside his bedroom. He made his breathing shallow to prevent who, or what, ever it was from hearing him. His door creaked open and Dan held his breath, the sound got closer and closer, he could hear breathing.  
“Dan?” a familiar voice said calmly in a slight northern accent, it was Phil. Dan peeled back the sheets and looked up at the dark figure that was his friend,  
“Yeah?”  
“Are you okay? I heard you sort of… scream?”  
“I’m just a bit paranoid, I’ll be okay, goodnight,” he rolled over in his bed and Phil softly shut the door and wandered back to his own room.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Phil still couldn’t sleep. Dan had looked so adorable, so vulnerable, and so perfect. He had to admit that it was also a little funny how Dan would get so terrified of things that he didn’t even believe in. He pictured Dan again, his big brown eyes, his slightly curly bed-hair, his smooth hands and cheeky grin… He wanted him. All of him. Phil felt a pressure, a rise, in his underwear, throbbing, jumping at each thought of Dan. He rubbed himself against the duvet between his legs; it felt good. He laid himself flat on his back and felt it rise even more, restrained only by his black and fluro-green underwear. He reached for his phone and unlocked it, he knew that porn wasn’t going to satisfy what he needed. He needed Dan, he needed Dan to love him, and he needed Dan to want him. He needed what Dan had almost caught him reading earlier. Fanfiction. Phanfiction. Though he was afraid to admit it, he’d been living out his feelings and urges for Dan vicariously through works he’d found on Fanfiction.net and Archive of Our Own. He scrolled through the options from his Google search and found one, ignoring the name of the piece. It was a one-shot, but he didn’t care. He read through the short work, enjoying every moment, reading about Dan’s secret yearning for Phil, wishing it would be true. He gaped at the vivid descriptions of Dan’s body – how did these people notice so many details of Dan and his body when after knowing Dan for 7 years not even he could have given such an accurate depiction! Phil read on, growing harder and harder from the intense descriptions of their foreplay. 

He imagined touching Dan, cupping his flaccid penis and manipulating it, watching him getting hard, he imagined taking Dan’s erection into his mouth and flicking it with his tongue, bobbing his head up and down in Dan’s lap. Phil slipped his right hand into his underwear, holding his phone in his free hand, he could feel the heat from his large erection. He traced the slight curve of his cock with his thumb and forefinger before taking it into his hand entirely, pumping it up and down, feeling it struggle and throb in his hand; in the heat of the moment he let out a muffled groan of pleasure and continued stroking and pumping, imagining all of the things he’d refused to let himself think before that moment. In a sigh, he let Dan’s name escape from his lips; in his mind, Dan’s tongue was entwined with his own, their naked bodies pressing against each other. He could feel himself coming to a climax, building rapidly, pleasure increasing and becoming more and more intense…  
Knock, knock.  
Just as he heard the knock on the door, his erection erupted with hot cum all over his stomach in a fiery explosion of ecstasy and he let out a quiet breath of air as he rushed to rub the hot, sticky substance off of the skin of his stomach with his pajama shirt, which was, thankfully, on the floor beside him.  
“Come in!” he yelled, panting as Dan opened the door. Dan breathed a sigh of relief after having to stand in the dark hallway alone for a few moments, Phil could still feel his erection pulsating in his underwear, it still hadn’t gone down.  
“Phil, can I sleep in here with you?” Dan voice near whimpered, Phil knew it was the movie. He knew Dan was scared, and for so many reasons he just couldn’t say no.

Phil pulled down the duvet, revealing space for his paranoid friend, Dan eased in and let himself get comfortable, laughing quietly with Phil about his inability to sleep alone. Phil could still feel his penis, for the most part, erect. If it was going down, it was taking its goddamn time. If he was being honest, he liked that Dan had almost caught him wanking himself off, it was probably the reason why he was still so hard. He tucked his erection between his legs so that Dan couldn’t feel it if he brushed against him and he quickly fell asleep after having relieved himself of all of his built up pressure. Dan rolled over facing Phil, he was asleep.  
“I hope Phil doesn’t think I’m gay or something from my constant wanting to share a bed with him,” Dan thought, and then it hit him. “Oh my fucking god. Fuck. Phil had actually ASKED if I was gay! During the movie, he actually asked me if I’m gay! What if he thinks I’m into him? What if that’s why he’s been acting so strange toward me? Is this why he’s been avoiding eye contact with me?! I mean, he’s been really great and accepting, but if he thinks that I’m… attracted to him and like him, then he’s probably feeling really uncomfortable being around me. He just doesn’t know how to act!” His mind circulated with thoughts and memories, trying to pin point exactly when Phil must have begun thinking Dan was gay. He had to admit, while he strongly identified as a straight man (or so he’d been told), he’d always gravitated toward the term queer, it was an umbrella term and he liked it. It felt like less of a distinct label and if he ever found himself attracted to anyone that wasn’t strictly female, then he would probably quite happily go with the term, but the thing was, he wasn’t attracted to anyone that wasn’t female. He wasn’t queer. He wasn’t gay. Dan opened his eyes and looked over at Phil, he felt so bad. He glanced over at the bedside table and saw Phils phone, he reached over and pressed the button that sat somewhere around the edge and looked at the time.

1:42 AM. He’d left his own phone on charge in his room, so he unlocked Phils. The screen went black and within an instant it flashed white, blinding him for a second. He blinked his eyes open and saw words forming on the screen before him. 

“Phil took Dans pulsating cock into his mouth, Dan shivered with anticipation just at the touch of Phil’s lips. Dan’s hips bucked against the pleasure, his entire body yearning for Phil to stop teasing him and to suck him harder than ever before. Phil tasted the pre-cum that dripped from the slit of Dans cock as he weaned himself from it, he wanted more. Dan couldn’t take it any longer and leaned down to kiss Phil passionately on mouth, Phil stood and wrapped his hand around the younger boy’s dick and gently drove it to climax. Dan’s legs grew weak and he moaned in ecstasy as Phil pushed him harder against the wall of their living room and kneeled before Dan’s cock, still pumping and feeling Dan squirm in pleasure. Phil grinned,  
“Do you like that, bear?” he whispered cheekily before licking the tip of Dans member. Dan couldn’t take it anymore, he came. Phil let his cum spew onto his face and into his mouth, swallowing it before taking the throbbing cock into his mouth once more and sucking it dry.  
“God, I love you, Phil…” Dan moaned and laughed a little as he bent down and kissed his ebony-haired lover, “Now it’s your turn…” Dan winked as he pushed Phil onto the couch.” 

Dan was in shock. He couldn’t read any more, there was no way he could read on to the next chapter. Is this what he had been hiding on his laptop earlier? Why was Phil reading this?


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Phil woke up to Dan kicking him in the shin.  
“Ouch!” he yelped and recoiled from Dan, taking the covers with him and waking Dan up with a combination of noise and a sudden coldness. Dan mumbled something and Phil threw the duvet back over him. He wandered into the bathroom and straightened himself up a bit in front of the mirror, his hair was a little messy but even he had to admit it was a bit sexy. He quickly jumped into the shower, not letting his hair get wet, and rinsed himself off, feeling a little ashamed as he remembered his actions from the night before. Dan knocked on the door and called out from outside,  
“When you’re done, can we talk?”  
“YEAH,” Phil called out from the shower, quickly turning off the water and stepping out onto the bathmat. Once he was dried and dressed, he walked out into the dining room where Dan was sitting and doing something on his phone.  
“What did you want to talk about?” Phil interrupted Dan’s scrolling,  
“Last night,” Dan looked up at Phil and gestured for him to take a seat,  
“What, err, about last night?” he asked, seating himself by Dan.  
“I’m going to suggest a trade,”  
“Dan, if you want to borrow something of mine, we don’t need to trade anything, just use it?”  
“Not that kind of trade, Phil. An information trade. I have information you want, I can guarantee this, and I know you have information that I want,” he explained, “you answer my simple questions and I’ll tell you the information.”  
“Um, this is a bit weird, but okay?” Phil hesitated a little and looked into Dan’s eyes, he was serious.  
“I’m worried about you. Last night you asked me if I was attracted to men. Do you suspect that I’m gay?”  
“No, not at all! I know you’re straight. Wait, this isn’t your way of coming out is it, because if it is, I wouldn’t have guessed it at all,”  
“No, I’m not gay, Phil…”  
“Oh.”  
“You’ve been reading Phanfiction,”  
“Yeah, I just really get into TV shows and I feel like I need more, so fanfiction is the way to go, I guess-” Dan cut him off,  
“No, Phil. PHANfiction. With a P, H! About us!”  
“What?”  
“I read it on your phone last night, Phil.”  
“Stop saying my name like that…”  
“Why have you been reading this?! I know it wasn’t a one off thing, and don’t you lie to me, Phillip, you couldn’t lie to save your own life.”  
“Dan, I… I can’t give you an answer,” Phil looked down, he felt the tears welling in his eyes, he didn’t want to cry so he tried to blink them back. Dan noticed Phil’s breathing become faster and faster,  
“Are you gay?” Dan finally let the question escape from his mouth, immediately hoping that it wouldn’t worsen the situation.  
“I… I don’t know…” Phil breathed, avoiding eye contact, “Maybe.” Just as Phil looked up at Dan, he saw the blur that was Dan get up and run over to him, taking him in a tight embrace. Dan rubbed his hand up and down Phils back as Phil finally gave in and let the tears flow from his eyes, shudders in his breath. 

“I’m attracted to you, Dan…” Phil let out after he got himself under control, “I’m sorry,”  
“Don’t be sorry, it’s fine! Phil, we’re still friends, nothing is going to change that! I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with this all on your own,”  
“You don’t hate me? You’re not disgusted by me… liking you?”  
“No, Phil, I’m not.” Dan answered him honestly, determined to be as supportive as possible, “Do you want me to stop coming into your bed? Is that making it harder- wait, no…? That’s not the word I want… I mean worse, is it making it more difficult for you?”  
“No, it’s fine, obviously there’s a difference between plutonic and well, not plutonic,” Phil laughed a little, pushing back his fringe,  
“Um, what did you want to tell me?” he remembered, diverting the conversation,  
“My information was that, um, I hid Lion. I was going to give you the location,” Dan lied, pulling Lion from his pocket and handing him to Phil, “I think you’re going to need him.” 

Ding, ding!  
The text message tone of Phil’s phone alarmed, he looked over and read the message,  
“We still on for tomorrow? – PJ”  
Damn, he’d nearly forgotten. He quickly texted back an affirmation and dropped his phone back onto the kitchen counter as he made himself some instant coffee.  
“DAN?!” he called just moments before Dan came wandering out into the kitchen to meet him,  
“Yes?” he rubbed his eyes a little, he must have been sleeping; he’d been doing that a lot lately.  
“I completely forgot, Chris and Peej are coming over tomorrow… But you forgive me, right?” he grinned guiltily, Dan sighed,  
“Yes, I forgive you. When are they coming and do I have to do anything?”  
“About 11:30, they’re coming for lunch. You need to be awake, dressed and helping me make lunch by 11AM,”  
“Aw, fiiine,” he dragged on, walking back to his bedroom. He plopped down onto his bed and pulled open the top drawer, moving the stray drawings out of the way and revealing a box of his own prescription pills. He’d finished off Phil’s, he hadn’t even noticed, and all he had to do once that baggie was empty was go to the doctor and complain about back pain. Other than his new pain medication, he also had his own antidepressants that he’d once again forgotten to take for about 2 weeks this time. He opened the box of pain killers and popped 6 out of the sheet and into his hand before tossing them into his mouth 2 at a time, placing the packaging back in the drawer as he struggled to dry swallow the tablets. He looked at his antidepressants, what could it hurt to take a few of those to boost his mood? He tore open the box and popped out 10 into his hand, this time he took his time to swallow only a few at a time. He laid back on his bed and closed his eyes, relaxed. 

He closed all of his tabs and applications on his computer and shut it down, no more editing for tonight. Phil closed his laptop and put it on the table beside him before sinking down further into the couch. He could hear Dan in his room, pacing back and forth, it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, though he could hear Dan talking to himself. He picked himself up off of the couch and pressed his ear to Dan’s door, he could hear a distinct chattering. What on Earth was he doing? As if it were luck that Phil was standing outside, Dan crashed to the floor. Phil opened the door immediately without hesitation and saw Dan in a heap on the carpet toward the end of his bed. He was shaking. Violently.  
“I want to die, Phil…” was all he could make out, what had he done to himself?!  
“What did you do, Daniel? WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Phil tried to straighten Dan up, but he kept getting dizzy and spacing out, his teeth chattering loudly the whole time.  
“I… my… med…” was all Phil could understand. He looked up at the bed and saw the torn open box. All of them were gone. Every single one of the antidepressants. He grabbed the box and looked at the side effects,  
Anxiety, suicidal thoughts, dizziness, nausea. Use only as directed.  
Fuck. He’d overdosed.  
“Phil… I did… I didn’t… mean to,”  
“Dan, okay, you’re not going to die. This is just an effect, okay? It’ll wear off, it’ll last a little while, but it’ll wear off and you’ll be completely okay. Do you trust me?” Phil spoke to him clearly, he nodded. Phil helped support his body weight as he aided Dan’s journey to the bed, laying him down and covering him with the duvet, allowing him to have some time to sleep it off before he joined him in the bed several hours later.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Phil wrapped his arm around the sleeping Dan, he was still shaking and his teeth still chattering, but that was just the effect of the drug. Dan had taken, as the empty packaging lead him to believe, about 19 pills. Of course Phil knew that if you took enough of any drug it could have detrimental effects, but antidepressants (or this brand in particular that he was familiar with) are a little different. You'd have to take a lot more than what they give you per prescription in order to do any real, serious damage to yourself. He didn't expect Dan to know this. The shaking and chattering could last up to 2 weeks, slowly easing up and becoming more and more subtle until eventually it would stop, he didn't expect Dan to know that, either. He couldn't have bared to see Dan hospitalized again, if he were to be, he'd be in there a lot longer and those environments were not in any way helpful to people like Dan. Phil was somewhat thankful for his previous experience with the effects of this particular medication, though. He was relieved. He wished he had someone to tell him he would be alright when he had done the same thing. Dan could hear Phil's breathing, he could feel the mass that was his body just inches away from his own. He felt sick. Nauseous. He could hear a strange noise, it sounded like rain,   
"Is it raining?" He slurred before opening his eyes,   
"No, it's a surprisingly sunny day,"   
"What's that noise? Is it coming from inside or outside?"   
"Dan, it's coming from you."   
"What?"   
"Your teeth are chattering, can't you feel it?" Phil seemed a little concerned by the tone of his voice so Dan opened his eyes and looked up at Phil leaning over him. 

He sat up and looked around the room, everything was spinning. Dan wasn’t even standing up but he felt dizzy and nauseous, nothing would stay still,   
“Where I am?” he garbled, clutching his hands around Phil’s upper arms for a sense of stability.   
“In your bed,” Phil replied, his voice almost sounded stern,   
“Um, why am I here? Why didn’t you take to the hospital?”  
“Because I knew how much you’d complain when they put you on lock down,” Phil replied, Dan opened his mouth to speak again but Phil beat him to it and continued his explanation, “And also because I knew you’d be okay. You can throw up if you want, it won’t make anything any worse,”   
“Are you sure? I mean, I don’t need to throw up, but I mean, are you sure I don’t need to go anywhere?” Dan chattered,   
“I’m sure,”  
“How?”  
“Dan, it doesn’t matter. Come on, I’m gonna walk you around the room so you can find your balance, once you do that, you should get a little balance and focus back,”   
“Okay” Dan said, gripping tightly to Phil’s arm, as he walked to the door he noticed his ability to stand improving and his vision turning from double to singular, “What time is it? Should we call Chris and PJ? Should I go to the hospital? Are you sure this is okay? Phil, I’m worried and I’m scared and I’m sorry, and do you hate me?” Dan spat out through the chattering, Phil turned to him and put his finger to Dan’s lips. Dan was surprised. It was a little weird.   
“We’re telling them. We’re obviously struggling, you can’t keep doing this… I can’t keep doing this. I’m scared. It’s hurting me, Dan!” Tears started to emerge from Phil’s beautiful blue eyes, “We’re telling them about you. We’re taking off the dressings on your wrists and we’re showing them. I need you to see that my reaction is the normal reaction, the shock, the hurt, all of it! I fucking love you, Dan. I can’t do this by myself.”  
“You love me?”   
“If that’s all you got out of what I just said, then I wish I could say I don’t.”

Chris, PJ and Phil sat at the dining room table, chatting and talking while eating the scrappy, sorry excuses for sandwiches that Phil had quickly thrown together just before the other boys arrived. Phil wanted to tell them then and there about his newfound sexuality, now that he was able to accept himself and he knew that Dan accepted him too, he was excited. He felt great. Of course the unrequited love for his best friend did leave a distinct, painful feeling in his chest, but apart from that, he was excited to understand himself a little better and was glad he could finally accept himself.   
“Where’s Dan?” Chris suddenly noticed, tussling his hair and looking around,   
“He’s in his room, that’s actually something I wanted to talk to you guys about – with Dan too, of course,” Phil said, looking down at the food in front of him, “We don’t have to do that until you’re ready though, guys. It’s a little… not great.” PJ looked a little concerned, he glanced at Phil’s face and could immediately tell that something bad was going on. Phil picked up the empty plates and took them into the kitchen, the second his back was turned, PJ turned to Chris and began mouthing his concerns, occasionally whispering so that Phil wouldn’t turn around and catch them. 

“We’re, uh, good to go with whatever you needed to tell us,” Chris awkwardly said,   
“I just want to warn you guys, Dan’s not well,” Phil heeded. Thoughts of some kind of severe illness, like Cancer, flicked through Chris’s head, while PJ’s mind immediately went blank, unaware of what to expect. Phil knocked on Dan’s bedroom door, his heart lurched in his chest as he pushed the door open. Dan sat on the edge of his bed, shaking and crying. He was so worried.   
“Dan, are you okay?” PJ rushed over to console his friend, becoming increasingly concerned. Phil opened his mouth and Dan looked over to him and shook his head.   
“I’m not okay,” Dan spoke, his voice somber, “I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. A couple of months ago I started cutting myself, burning myself, scolding myself,” at this point, Phil let the tears escape and Chris put his arm around him, waiting to hear whatever it was that had set Phil off, “And then I cut too deep and almost bled out on the bathroom floor. Phil had to break down the bathroom door to get to me, he saved me. I tried to stop and get better, but then a couple of weeks ago I started taking prescription pain killers… Yesterday I took everything I had. Including my antidepressants. I overdosed. Phil found me… again. This time I didn’t go to the hospital, Phil said he knew I would recover and let me stay here.”  
“Oh my god…” escaped from PJ’s lips, Chris was speechless.   
“I’ve had flashbacks, dreams and general anxiety since finding him like that… he was almost gone… there was… it was… blood, everywhere,” Phil explained. Chris and PJ sat with the two and offered their support, shared tears and hugs. 

Eventually the tears dried up, they began to talk like normal, spread around Dan’s bedroom. Dan pulled out his phone and typed a text message,   
“Are you going to tell them about..?”  
He pressed send and pushed his phone back into his pocket before anyone noticed. Phil’s phone chimed and he excused himself for the interruption and checked his messages. He read Dan’s text and sighed. His gaze collided with Dan’s and he nodded.   
“There’s something else,” Phil began, Chris and PJ looked at him expectantly, noticing Dan’s supporting nod, “I’ve been struggling with this for a while, and recently Dan noticed something was off and approached me about it. It hasn’t been easy because I didn’t accept myself, I was scared Dan wouldn’t accept me, and now I’m hoping that you will too. I’m attracted to men. I’m gay.”   
“I’m really glad you’re accepting of yourself now, of course we all are too,” Chris smiled to him,   
“I… We’re proud of you,” PJ added. Phil flashed a smile to Dan, wishing he could hold him in his arms after such a long, emotional day. Dan winked at Phil from across the room, laughing a small, silent laugh.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

They hadn’t spoken about it for 2 days. Collectively, they’d been busy and in and out of the flat, they hadn’t had time. It was the first time they’d just sat quietly together and relaxed since Dan’s overdose. He was still shaking, not as much as before, but enough for it to impact him, he had to clench his teeth just to avoid chattering. Phil handed Dan a shallow cup of tea and slouched back down onto the couch beside his friend. Dan relaxed his jaw and the sound of his teeth chattering began once more, Phil started laughing.   
“Sorry! You can’t laugh every time I start chattering again!” Dan whined with a smile, “It’s not funny!”  
“It is funny,” Phil chuckled, “Sorry, you’re doing really well, really,”   
“How much longer will I have to deal with this?”  
“If it remains this amusing, then I really want it to last forever,” Phil laughed again, watching Dan struggle to put his tea down without spilling it.   
“I’m really proud of you for coming out to PJ and Chris,” Dan diverted,   
“I’m really proud of you for telling them about everything too, you just kept going, you were so brave,”   
“I rehearsed while you guys were in the other room,” he admitted, smiling, “but I feel okay now. I promise to take my medication and stay on it, once the overdose is out of my system at least,”   
“You seemed so much better when you were taking it, if you want to put it in the kitchen it’ll be easier for us to remember it?” Phil suggested, sipping his own drink now that it had cooled a little,   
“I felt better. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Can I ask you something?” Dan sounded a little worried, almost scared to ask,   
“Of course!”  
“Why am I shaking? I don’t understand it, and the other thing I don’t understand is how relaxed and knowledgeable you are about this..?” Dan queried, Phil shuffled a little in his seat and looked up at him with guilty eyes.

“Phil, answer me.” Dan demanded, noticing Phil’s facial expression,   
“When I was 22 I tried to kill myself. I overdosed on the same thing, just a little more,” he began, choking up a little, “they explained everything to me. The shaking is just withdrawal symptoms.” Dan fell completely silent.   
“Do you… do you still think about, I mean, doing something… again?” he finally spat out, completely unknowing of how to handle the situation, suddenly everything Phil had done for him seemed so much bigger and somehow it was all even more impressive.   
“No. Occasionally the thought crosses my mind, but I’m able to push it back and it’s not a problem anymore. You don’t have to worry about it, I don’t,” he adjusted his hair and smiled to Dan, though his eyes were filled with guilt,   
“I’m sorry for everything…” Dan slid himself over and buried himself into Phil’s chest, listening to his heart and the steady rhythm of his breathing. Phil could feel the subtle shaking of Dan’s body and he put his arm around the boy and closed his eyes. 

I fucking love you, Dan.  
The words echoed through Dan’s mind, over and over. Phil loved him. There was something so wonderful about being loved by someone he cared about too. He’d said it weeks ago and hadn’t said it again since, and yet it still resonated throughout his head so frequently. It made him want to hug him, to latch on and cuddle him until they both fell asleep. They were a comfort to each other, a comfort they both needed and Dan knew that very well. He wanted Phil to love him. He didn’t know why, but he knew that if Phil stopped loving him, he would feel so empty. Emptier than he did when he hurt himself. He was also an inspiration to Dan, he always had been, but now he knew that Phil had tried to commit suicide and had since moved on gave him hope that he could do the same too. He wanted spend some time with Phil, it was almost 12pm and Dan still hadn’t left his room yet, he opened the door and walked through to the lounge room, stopping before entering upon hearing Phil talking to someone on the phone,   
“Okay, I’ll see you then,” he laughed quietly, “love you too,” he giggled a little this time. Dan rounded the corner as Phil hung up,   
“Can we watch a movie tonight? I think it’ll be nice to just chill,” Dan asked,   
“Uh, I’m a bit busy tonight… How about tomorrow night?” Phil smiled at his friend,   
“That’s good too,” Dan replied, purposefully retaining eye contact before twitching a quick smile and turning toward the bathroom, taking his shirt off and beginning to unbutton his jeans before he left the room, intending for Phil to stare at him without letting on that it was deliberate. Phil stared. He enjoyed the view of Dan’s skin, slightly darker than his own; Dan’s hips were his weakness. If he wasn’t careful, he’d find himself aroused and awkwardly have to wait until his body had calmed down before joining Dan in the apartment again. He distracted himself by scrolling through Twitter and the urgency to grab Dan where he stood soon deflated. Thank god. 

“OKAY, DAN, I’M OFF!” Phil shouted through the flat as he exited and headed down to his taxi. He hopped in and they drove through the light rain, Phil admired the small rays of sunlight that managed to break through the clouds before the sun set entirely. It was beautiful. He had deliberately not told Dan where he was going or what he was doing that night, just in case things didn’t go to plan. He was so nervous, but so excited. If things went well, he would tell Dan everything, if not, he would put it off entirely until Dan would eventually hound him about it. The cab stopped and Phil thanked the driver and paid his toll before stepping out onto the footpath and letting his eyes adjust to the change in lighting. He checked his phone and adjusted his hair before walking into the restaurant. He glanced around and looked for his date, and then he saw her, he walked over and sat across from her with a large smile on his face,   
“Mum!”  
“Phil! How are you?” She asked excitable, her eyes sparkling with pure joy just from seeing her son again,   
“I’m really good, mum. How are you?” he smiled, hiding his anxiety about why he had asked to see her. He was worried, but he knew that she loved him, he knew that even if she didn’t accept him, she would still love him. After a little conversation he gathered the nerve he needed and told her,   
“Mum, it’s nothing serious like that, I’m not sick!” he laughed, she had mistaken his concerned tone for illness or something of the sort, “I’m gay.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Dan curled up in Phil’s bed, he was bored and waiting for him to come back from wherever he went. He was going to ask, but Phil was out the door before he could, must to Dan’s dismay. He hadn’t intended on falling asleep, but he apparently he had because the next thing he knew he was opening his eyes and witnessing Phil’s half naked body changing from his clothes to his boxers. He closed his eyes again and waited for Phil to either wake him up or climb in next to him. Why was he being so needy? What was wrong with him? He felt the bed dip slightly as Phil sat on the opposite side of the bed and took in a deep breath. Phil snuggled down into the sheets and rolled over facing away from Dan and trying to keep himself from giving in to the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. Phil’s heart had sunk in his chest, he was relieved to see Dan in his bed; he needed a friend. He felt so depressed that he wanted to throw up. Dan could tell that Phil’s breathing was irregular and he put his hand around Phil’s thinner frame and asked if he was alright. Phil rolled over and the tears began flowing from his eyes,  
“I told my mum tonight…” Phil began, “She was so good, she was so accepting. She got me to call my dad and… he wasn’t so good with it…”  
“Oh, Phil, I’m so sorry…”  
“He called me a disgusting faggot and told me not to come home to visit them at Christmas…” Phil sobbed.  
“I’m so sorry…” Dan repeated, sympathetically feeling Phil’s heart break in his own chest. He knew how much Phil loved his family, this must have been so horrible for him. Dan shuffled closer and wrapped his arms around the old man, rubbing his back and doing his best to soothe his inconsolable friend. 

Phil was vulnerable. He was resilient and felt okay, but still vulnerable. He didn’t feel the need to cry, he saw that it was possible to eventually move past it and so in the moment he felt normal and it was good. Dan was proud of how well he was handling it. Phil was so strong and it gave Dan a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Phil put the DVD in the player and wandered back to the couch next to Dan, laughing at Dan’s attempts to get comfortable. Phil checked the time on his phone, it was 8:37pm, and he pressed play. They were watching some weird movie called “House at the End of The Street”, mostly because it had Jennifer Lawrence, but also because they hadn’t seen it yet. They weren’t even midway through when Phil looked over at Dan and Dan winked. What? Why did he wink? Phil just laughed and looked back at the screen. Suddenly Dan was right next to him, his lips on Phil’s neck. What the fuck?! Phil withdrew, and looked down at Dan, his eyes so full of innocence. Phil was awestruck. Dan reached up and kissed Phil’s ear, then his cheek and made his way to Phil’s mouth, that’s when Phil, despite his confusion, began to kiss back. Their tongues intertwined for the first time, Phil turned his body to get closer to Dan, grabbing some of his hair gently in his fist. Dan’s hand was placed gently on the side of Phil’s face and the other on his waist, Phil’s second hand roamed from Dan’s arm to his torso, to his lower back and back around again. Phil felt the pressure building in his jeans, his erection restricted by the denim, Dan could feel his own pulsating between his legs. 

Unexpectedly, Dan’s hand strayed down to Phil’s crotch, feeling the hard package underneath his clothes. Dans hand expertly undid the button on Phil’s tight, black jeans and flicked the zipper down in what seemed to be one smooth motion. Phil was nervous, he didn’t know what was happening, he didn’t know what to do. Phil put his hand on top of Dan’s, stopping him from going any further, Dan stopped kissing him and looked up into his blue eyes. Phil couldn’t help but notice that Dan looked like the most innocent little thing on the face on the earth, he was amazed that he was able to initiate something like this with him.  
“I’ve never done anything like this before, either,” Dan whispered, almost as if he could read Phil’s mind,  
“I don’t… I…” Phil managed to expel through the rising sexual tension,  
“Is that a yes or a no?” Dan bit his lip slightly and Phil felt a surge through his erection, it was a yes. He nodded and dived back into kissing his friend, deeply, passionately.  
At first, Phil’s kisses were almost messy, but he had quickly adapted to Dan’s lips, even gently biting them from time to time. Dan continued to make his way into Phil’s pants, taking off his own shirt in the process, Phil swallowed the saliva that had built up in his mouth as he gazed down at him, his friend, Dan. Dan helped him wiggle out of his jeans and threw them onto the living room floor, thumbing the length of Phil’s throbbing member through his grey underwear, sending shivers down his spine. Dan felt Phil’s fingers making small circles on his back, pressing slightly harder with each ring until he felt his nails digging into his skin, turning Dan on even further. He slipped his thumb into the waist band of Phil’s underwear, pulling them from his hips and half way down his thighs, watching Phil’s massive cock twitch and throb with anticipation. He was still nervous, he’d never done anything like this before and he still didn’t know what he come over him. He wrapped his hand around Phil’s pulsating penis and slid his hand from the base to the tip and back again, up and down, occasionally loosening his grip, occasionally tightening it; as Dan felt the pre-cum emerge from the slit of Phil’s cock and flicked his thumb into it, using it to lubricate the tip. Dan listened to his sighs of pleasure as his hand brushed against the dark tuft of hair at the base of Phil’s cock as it erupted with cum and the entirety of his body tensed and a distinct tingling sensation pulsed through his veins. The sticky liquid slowly dripped down Dan’s fingers, Phil opened his eyes and looked down with a nervous and slightly embarrassed smile. 

Dan pulled himself up to kiss Phil on the mouth again, satisfying all of his urges.  
“Do you want to go into my room?” Dan whispered hoarsely into Phil’s ear, and he felt Phil’s head nod as Phil’s lips quickly pressed into his once more. Dan pushed himself off Phil, grabbing Phil’s wrist in his course and pulling him toward his bedroom. They burst through the door and Dan grabbed Phil face in his hands and kissed him again. Phil pushed Dan onto the bed and Dan smiled up at him, enjoying his change to dominance. Phil leaped on top of him and kissed his hard and passionately, he’d wanted this for so long, he wasn’t even sure if this was really happening! He kissed his way down Dan’s body and stopped at his jeans to undo them, it was a little clumsier than when Dan had undid his, but he got there and practically tore from his body both his jeans and underwear. He stroked the underside of Dan’s cock with his index finger and admired his hairlessness, his length wasn’t as large as his own, but boy, it was pretty. He moved his lips to the tip of Dan’s erection and brushed it with his tongue before taking just over half of it into his mouth and flicking against it with his tongue. He slid it out of his mouth and down to the base, feeling it pulsate and get even harder in his mouth. After a while he felt Dan’s legs begin to twitch and his hips pushing himself further against Phil, letting out a moan much louder than his own as his orgasm hit the back of Phil’s throat and filled his mouth. Dan removed himself from Phil’s mouth and watched Phil swallow and proceed to lick his lips.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

They laid together, quietly breathing and relaxing in each other’s arms, Phil was too scared to ask what had just happened, and while Dan was completely satisfied with his actions, he couldn’t help but wonder what had come over him. Soon sleep came to each of them, allowing them to lay in one another’s arms for hours. Dan felt safe, secure, set. After all they’d been through, all they were still going through and all they would be going through for who knows how long, it was nice to have a moment of comfortable silence before talking about what had happened the night before. He buried his face deeper into Phil’s bare chest and let out a large breath as he listened to Phil’s steady heartrate and breathing.   
“I’m sorry…” Phil spouted out of nowhere,   
“What for?!” Dan opened his eyes and tilted his head to look up at him,   
“I took advantage of you, I shouldn’t have done any… any of that last night, I’m so sorry,”   
“Phil,” Dan laughed a little and shook his head, “I initiated it. You didn’t take advantage of me, if anything I look advantage of you. Oh god, wait, are you okay?”   
“I’m really great,” Phil smiled down at him, “are you okay?”   
“Yeah, I’m literally the best I’ve felt in a while, actually,” he laughed, “I’m not entirely sure what’s come over me over the past few days, but I really wanted to do that…”   
“I’m glad you did, because I never would have tried anything like that,” Phil laughed in return. Dan stretched himself up and lightly kissed Phil’s smiling lips.   
It was 4:09PM and the kitchen was well-lit with the light from the sun outside, it illuminated Dan’s face as he rinsed his coffee mug and placed it back into the cupboard. Phil watched his eyes shine in the light for a moment before putting his mug in the sink too. Dan laughed,   
“I’m not cleaning that too,”   
“Aw, well it was worth a try…” Phil laughed back at him,   
“We’re okay, right?”  
“Yeah, I guess so, I think. Are we?”   
“I hope we are.”   
“It was all really sudden. I need to know… where in the hell did that come from?” Phil finally had the courage to ask, hoping not to offend him,   
“I just… I feel awful for saying this, but, I had to know. I had to know what it was like to… to do that. To do it with you. I’d thought about it for a little bit, I’ve been strangely stuck on the idea of you having feelings for me and I like it. It was just a sudden urge to…” Dan admitted,   
“Oh.”  
“We’re still friends, aren’t we?” Dan scrambled, praying that he hadn’t caused their friendship to crumble,   
“Yes! Of course!” Phil felt certainly all of a sudden.   
“Good. I need us to be friends,” Dan smiled cheekily,   
“Just friends?”   
“If that’s okay with you?”  
“Yeah, of course it is!” Phil lied with a convincing smile. 

Halloween. It was 2 days until Halloween. The year so far had flown by so quickly, though if you’d asked either Dan or Phil just a 5 months earlier they’d have both told you that it was dragging on slower than a snail. They’d been invited to a Halloween party on Halloween night and though they were excited to see Peej and Chris and to generally get out and do something, neither were all too excited about being in a party environment. Phil had spent the past week aching over Dan. It hurt. Dan didn’t love him, and he never would. He’d used him to experiment with and that’s all. For a moment, just a single moment he had thought that… No. He’d cried a few times, thankfully he wasn’t caught doing so, and he’d started shutting himself in more and more. He loved Dan but he didn’t want to see him, face him, or talk to him. He was hurt and he was angry, and Dan was selfish. He wanted to tell someone what happened, how he felt, what he was thinking, but who could he tell? Dan was his best friend, or at least he was supposed to be, and that’s the person you’re supposed to tell these things too! It was hardly something to tell just anyone. They were both going to be seeing Chris and PJ in a couple of days, but could he tell either of them? They were both friends with Dan too, and to be honest, he was embarrassed and ashamed, he’d even go as far as to say he was scared. Would they take sides? Were there even sides to take? Would they tell him he was over reacting? Would they laugh at him and tell him he should be happy to have done such things with, not just a guy, but the guy he was in love with? The only thing he was thankful for was that they hadn’t gone all the way that night. If they had, he’d be in shambles and probably reacting in a much less safe manner. 

“Hey Phil, do you want dinner?” Dan asked, expecting a no like he’d gotten for the last few days.   
“No, thanks. I’ll get something later, I’m a bit busy,” Phil lied through the door. Dan felt a little dejected, Phil had told him just six days ago that everything was fine, that they were friends and that he was okay with it. It was just beginning to dawn on him that maybe, just maybe, he’d lied. Dan sat down on the lounge alone and ate the dinner he’d thrown together, just some meat and vegetables, he needed to figure out how to fix the problem he’d caused. He shouldn’t have done it. He really had taken advantage of Phil and Phil was just too goddamn polite and probably embarrassed to admit it, what he’d done was selfish and he knew it. He took the first sip of his water and swallowed his medication which promptly reminded him of all the ways he could make himself feel better. He could cut himself. He could burn himself. He could sit in the shower and let the scolding hot water turn his flesh a bright red. He could take some more pills. He could kill himself. He could do any of those things and more, but at the same time he couldn’t. That, too, would be selfish. He’d been so fucking selfish for so fucking long. This was his own fault, just like everything else, and it was affecting and hurting Phil, just like everything else. It was time for him to grow up and to take Phil and his feelings into account. Phil had never done anything to hurt him and here he was hurting Phil with every single stupid thing he’d done. Phil, and the friendship he’d brought with him, was worth more than how he was being treated and it was time for that to change… if Phil would forgive him and let him try to redeem himself. For the first time in a while, Dan was completely aware of himself and the people, well, person, around him.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

He threw papers, bills, chocolates and empty wrappers literally everything in the drawer onto the floor. They were gone. His high-strength, prescription pain killers were gone. Phil carelessly threw everything back into his bottom drawer and locked it again. He stayed kneeling in front of his small drawers and let out a frustrated sigh before getting up and walking into the living room where Dan sat, scrolling through something or rather on his laptop,   
“The painkillers you were taking,” he began, making eye contact with Dan, “They were mine, weren’t they?” Dan hesitated before answering,   
“Yeah…”   
“Do you even know what they were?!”  
“Not exactly, but-”  
“They were practically oral morphine! They could have killed you!”   
“I’m sorry…”   
“Jesus, Dan!” he practically screamed before turning back into his bedroom. He didn’t know what he expected.   
“I’m sorry…” Dan repeated quietly, just out of Phil’s earshot. He sat in the lounge room in silence, he didn’t know what to do. Dan was a smart boy, but he just didn’t know how to handle this situation. He felt so bad in so many ways. He pulled his phone from his back pocket and called PJ, he assumed PJ would be able to say SOMETHING helpful.   
“Hey, Dan!” PJ answered,   
“Hey, Peej, um, I know we’re seeing you tomorrow night, but can we hang out tonight, I need to talk to you about something,”   
“Um, yeah, sure. Did you want to come here? We’ll have a bit of privacy,”   
“That’s perfect, thanks. I’ll see you in like an hour?”  
“Yeah, see you then.” 

Dan sat by PJ on the floor with their backs against PJ’s bed, the sunlight lighting up everything in the room, illuminating the glassy eyes in Dan’s face. He didn’t want to cry, but it was so hard. He was distressed and he was scared. Would PJ judge him for his actions? Who was he kidding, of course he would, the real question was of whether or not it would be too harshly for Dan to take.   
“Is everything okay? Are you… again?” PJ got the nerve to ask after about half an hour after Dan arrived,   
“No! No, I’m not going to do anything like that anymore, I just can’t. Peej, it’s Phil…”   
“Is Phil okay?” PJ asked cautiously,   
“I don’t think so. I, uh, I did something,” Dan near stuttered.   
“Okay… Dan, what did you do?”   
“Phil’s in love with me, and I… I took advantage of him.”   
“What exactly did you do..?”   
“We made out and we… fooled around. Pretty much everything but, you know…”   
“You’re uh, you’re into guys..?”   
“Well, not really. I enjoyed it, I really did. I even initiated it, and that’s the problem. I told him, afterward, that we were just going to stay friends…” Dan confessed.   
“So, you hooked up with Phil, whom you knew was in love with you, then told him it meant nothing?” PJ reiterated,   
“Yep,” Dan answered, ashamed, “he’s been isolating himself more and more ever since. I really fucked up,”   
“I think you need to apologize.”   
“I agree, there’s one more thing though, Peej…”   
“Yeah?”   
“I’m scared. I’m scared because I really did enjoy it, and not just the physical intimacy, the emotional intimacy. I really liked it, Peej. I really like him. I just, I can’t do any of this, not now, it’s too much,”   
“Well, wow…”   
Phil was alone, he was angry and hurt and just generally feeling awful, and he was alone. He was both angry and relieved to have been left by himself, Dan hadn’t told him where he was going and quite frankly, he didn’t care. Okay, that was a lie, but he wanted to not care and that’s what counted. He hadn’t done anything all evening and he didn’t want to. He felt like absolute crap and for the first time in a very long time, he didn’t know how to cope. He was done with crying, he hated it. He was over moping, he felt pathetic. He needed SOMETHING to make himself feel better, so he went out. He walked down the street a little before catching a taxi to the pub. He drank. He drank so much, so fast that for a little while he even had hiccups, he’d even gotten to know the bar tender on a fist name basis, and his name was Steve. Phil lazily and clumsily stumbled out of the bar and bumped his entire right side of his bodying into a brick wall outside, stopping to apologise to said wall before continuing toward the road to a taxi. Everything after that was a blur. 

When Dan had gotten home, the flat was silent. It was empty and a miserable residue lingered in the air. He’d called Phil’s phone about 8 times before 3am, yearning to know where Phil was and that he was okay. Eventually he fell asleep, sleeping a dreamless sleep, until he heard a loud crash. He jolted from his slumber, realizing he was still on the couch. He jumped up and slowly crept around to the entrance of the flat, and there was Phil, laying in a fallen heap on the stairs. Dan turned on the light and rushed down to him, assisting him in getting up and walking the rest of the way up the stairs. Dan could smell the scent of alcohol not only on Phil’s breath, but on his clothes. He’d been drinking. Dan levered Phil down onto his bed, pulling the green and blue duvet over him,   
“How much did you drink, Phil?” Dan whispered to himself, not expecting a response,   
“Shhh… Don’t tell Dan I’m drunk,” and Phil pressed his index finger against Dan’s lips,   
“Phil, Dan already knows you’re drunk,”   
“Nooo…” Phil trailed off, “I’m very… I’m very angry with him,” he continued to slur.   
“And he is very, very sorry for what he did,” Dan rebutted as though he were speaking to a child,   
“He’ll never love me and now my neck hurts…”  
“That’s not true, maybe he will… maybe he does already, you never know. He’s just young and stupid, Phil,”   
“So young and so stupid…” Phil elaborated,   
“Why does your neck hurt?”  
“They drew on it. Good night,” and with that an extremely intoxicated Phil shuffled his body onto a more comfortable angle and almost instantly passed out. Dan pulled down the collar of Phil’s shirt, who had done what to his neck? Oh, god. He’d somehow managed to convince someone to give him, in his drunken state, a full, wrap-around, choker-necklace inspired tattoo right around his neck. It formed little ovals from two lines crossing and waving through and symmetrically sitting across from each other, it was all black. I looked good, he had to admit, but it really wasn’t going to go down well when Phil was lucid in the morning.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Phil rubbed his eyes and slowly slide out of bed. He looked out the window at the sunny day outside and rolled his shoulders back, his head was killing him and he could have sworn he could hear the bright colours of his bed clothes. He let out a loud moan, craving nothing but to be able to drop back down into his bed, but he knew better. He trudged into the bathroom and focused his vision as he fussed with his hair and splashed water on his face, hoping it would wake him up a little more, and then he saw it. A dark ring around his neck, it looked almost lacey. He pressed his finger to it and rubbed it back and forth, jumping at the initial shock of the pain, the black, intertwined lines printed into his skin weren’t coming off. It was a tattoo, it was permanent and it was on the skin of his neck. Fuck. 

“Hey Phil, are you ready to go?” Dan cautiously entered Phil’s room,  
“Yeah, let’s go,” Phil said, turning around and facing Dan. He was still mad at Dan, but as far as he knew Dan was completely unaware of that and he wanted to play it cool.  
“Oh my god. Phil, what are you dressed as? Are you… your own punk edit?”  
“Um. Yes,” he replied, pushing his fringe to the side. He’d decided to dress as a punk edit in an attempt to hide his new tattoo, hopefully Dan hadn’t even noticed it and thought it was just a part of his costume, “you’re a dinosaur?”  
“A Danosaur, thank you very much!” Phil forced a smile and continued out to the party with Dan to meet their friends. Dan immediately wandered from Phil straight to PJ, Phil couldn’t help but notice that Dan had made such a limited effort to scrutinize his withdrawn behavior and it hurt him a little to that he was so eager to get away from him. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Chris approaching him, drink in hand,  
“No costume?” Phil laughed shyly,  
“I’m Becca dressed as Chris, obviously,” he laughed back, “You’re wearing your punk edit stuff!”  
“Yeah, I had a bit of a problem this morning and this is the result,”  
“What happened?” he took a sip from his drink,  
“See this tattoo on my neck?” he said, pointing to the chocker, “it’s real.”  
“It’s a real tattoo?!” Chris exclaimed, eyes wide,  
“I had a lot to drink last night, and um… this is what I woke up to…”  
“Jeez, Phil…” he laughed, “at least it’s hot,” Chris looked up and saw PJ and Dan talking quietly in the corner, serious expressions across their faces, “Look at those love birds, aye?”  
“Ugh. Please don’t,” Phil said flatly, meeting Dan’s eyes as he caught the two of them looking over at him.  
“What’s up?” Chris asked, completely unaware of the can of worms he was opening,  
“They’re talking about me,”  
“So?”  
“Dan and I sort of… we hooked up,” Phil admitted,  
“WHAT?!” Chris spat out his drink, “Tell me everything!”  
Phil told Chris as much as he could about what happened, including Dan’s rejection and his own withdrawal from everyday life as they sat outside the party. The colours and of the street lights blurred and streaked through the tears welling in Phil’s eyes as he finished explaining,  
“I didn’t know Dan was gay?” Chris lead,  
“He’s not. He was experimenting. On me.”  
“And he didn’t tell you until afterwards?”  
“Nope… I’m just so embarrassed… and you know, for a moment, just one moment, I thought that… I…” Phil choked up a little,  
“Oh, Phil, I’m so sorry…” Chris gently placed his hand on Phil’s back,  
“I thought that maybe… he loved me too…” at this Chris let out a deep sigh,  
“You’re eyeliner’s running,” he eventually let out, pulling a tissue from his pocket and wiping the black, watery streaks from Phil’s face as he let out a jagged mixture of a laugh and a sigh. 

Dan and PJ had been looking for Chris and Phil for about half an hour. Dan was desperate to talk to Phil, thankful for PJ’s support as he did so, but neither of them were anywhere to be found. PJ suggested they look outside, and the two of them wandered outside into the cool night’s air, Dan was thankful for his onesie in the cold.  
“Hey, there they are,” PJ whispered to Dan, seeing his breath in the air and pointing to the two young men sitting on the side of the road. Chris’s hand reached up to Phil’s face just as Dan spotted them, nudging PJ to look over as Phil and Chris got closer. Were they… were they kissing?! The pair separated slightly and PJ and Dan could see them laughing a little, Chris’s hand perched on Phil’s back, and then without any warning the two stood up and got into the back of the taxi that had pulled up across the suburban street.  
“What the fuck just happened?” Dan uttered in shock,  
“I’m… I’m not sure…” PJ answered honestly,  
“Is Chris into guys too now? Is this a new fucking trend?! Or is the style to just fuck around with your fellow male friends or something?!”  
“Should we text him? Or text Chris?”  
“No fucking way.”

Phil stood in Chris’s bathroom wiping the make-up from his face and taking out his fake piercings, casually chatting with Chris, whom was standing by the door and laughing at the black smudges that just refused to come off Phil’s face.  
“You can stay here tonight if you want, it’s getting late?” Chris sidetracked,  
“I think it’ll be a good idea to spend a night away from Dan, so thanks,” Phil answered, throwing the last blackened tissue into the bin and following Chris to the living room. Phil’s phone chimed and Chris picked it up off of the table,  
“Phil, it’s Dan, he’s texting you,” he said, tossing the phone to Phil, Phil pitched it back immediately,  
“Can we just leave it?” Phil shrugged and walked into the bathroom, closing the door.  
Just as Chris placed the phone on the table it began to ring, Dan’s name flashed on the screen,  
“Hey, Dan,” Chris answered quietly so Phil wouldn’t hear,  
“Chris, is that you?” Dan sounded surprised,  
“Yeah, are you looking for Phil?”  
“Yeah, is he… is he there?” Dan sounded confused,  
“Yeah, he’s staying with me tonight, I would put him on but he’s really not up for talking to you right now…”  
“Well I’m not really up for talking to you right now, so I suggest putting him on,” Dan demanded, Chris heard PJ in the background telling him to calm down,  
“He isn’t here right now, he’s in the shower… I’m sorry, Dan, I really am,”  
“No, I’m sorry… I’m assuming Phil told you what happened?”  
“Yeah, he told me everything. I’m a little disappointed in you Dan, Phil is an amazing person and he doesn’t deserve what happened, he doesn’t deserve what you did to him. You played with his emotions, you got his hopes up and then pegged them at the ground, shattering them all. You know I don’t like to be all serious like this, and you know that I still see you as my friend, but Phil deserves better than that,”  
“Phil deserves better than me? I guess it’s a good thing he’s spending the night with you, then,” and with that, Dan hung up. Chris was confused, did Dan think that he and Phil were hooking up or something?


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Phil shoved his key into the lock and wiggled it around before turning it completely and pushing the door open with his shoulder. He dragged himself into his bedroom, not having seen Dan on the way through, and pulled his shirt off, sighing audibly as he tossed it onto his bed and rummaged through one of his draws for a new one. There was a small double tap behind him and he pivoted quickly to face the noise. He looked up and his eyes locked with a pair of deep brown eyes standing right outside his door,   
“Dan,” he breathed, a little shocked,   
“I didn’t mean to hurt you…” Dan very nearly whispered, “I’m sorry,”  
“I know you are, but I d-” Phil replied before he was cut off,   
“I know that on occasion sorry isn’t enough, and this is one of those times, I really… I really fucked up, Phil. You know that more than anyone else. I’m not just sorry, and I’m not just apologizing, I’m hurting too. I’m hurting because you’re hurting, and I’m hurting because I feel so guilty. I feel sick, Phil. I feel physically ill; nauseous, and I hate it. Your feelings are completely justified, they are, but I just want you to feel good again and to be happy, but I don’t know how to help because I’ve already done so much damage. I don’t know if it’s something I can help put back together, I don’t know if we’re going to be okay or if we’re going to stay like this forever. I do want us to be okay, Phil. I don’t want us to stay like this forever. I care about. I miss you. I know we still see each other every day, but we both know it’s not the same, and so I still miss you. I miss everything about you. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I don’t deserve for you to forgive me, but please… help me. Help me to make this better, because I’m not going to live without you.” Phil stared on in awe as the words flowed from Dan’s mouth, he was speechless. He hesitated a moment and Dan turned to leave with a defeated look on his face and Phil launched himself at Dan’s torso, wrapping his arms around him.   
Dan sat on the edge of Phil’s bed, Phil stood in front of him, his chest still bare,   
“I don’t forgive you,” he finally said, “I think I will though. I’ll just need some time. What you did was horrible. You played with my emotions. You let me think that you… that you… felt that way about me too, and then you practically told me it didn’t mean anything to you. You broke my trust, Daniel.”  
“I understand… I’m so remorseful. I regret saying that to you…” Dan exhaled the air deep within his lungs,   
“You regret saying it to me? It’s a lot more than that! You don’t regret doing it? You don’t regret the acts that opened me up in order to hurt me? I just don’t think you get it, Dan,” a frustrated Phil stated,   
“No, I get it. I don’t regret what I did – what we did. I just regret how I handled it afterwards… I was scared and confused and weirded out, and I’m so sorry because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, I just… I messed up,”   
“You don’t regret what we did? What are you saying?” Phil questioned,   
“I’m saying I liked it, okay? …And I’m still not quite sure what I want to do with this newfound information,”   
“I appreciate what you’re saying, thank you for being so honest with me…” Phil smiled and placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder, “I know it’s not easy.”   
It’d been about a fortnight since Dan had admitted his enjoyment of his experience with Phil and slowly Phil was beginning to trust Dan again. Gradually, they had been able to build back many of the aspects of their relationship, acknowledging that they were only able to do so with a combination of honesty and the fact that they lived together and saw each other every single day. Phil felt somewhat confident in the fact that their friendship would return to normal eventually, and that confidence is what allowed him to forgive Dan for his actions. Dan was a little scared to talk to Phil the way he used to, he was very cautious about talking about his feelings and how he was doing, he didn’t want to scare him off. Phil, on the other hand, missed Dan telling him things about how he was feeling. He was worried, but he wasn’t sure if it was just because he didn’t know the ins and outs of Dan’s head-space or if something was actually wrong… 

Phil knocked on the locked bathroom door,   
“When you’re done there’s hot chocolate in the microwave for you,” Phil spoke through the door, he heard Dan’s acknowledgement and wandered into the living room with his own drink, turning on an old episode of Buffy and enjoying the pleasure of not having anything to do today. Dan breathed intensely as he stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, his hands stained with blood. He rinsed them under the running water from the tap, flooding the sink with a heavily diluted, pale red mixture of blood and water. He picked his new razor us from the edge of the sink and rinsed it off too, watching as the last of the sticky red liquid ran off of the metal. He looked at his face; it was paler than usual, he looked at his wrists; they were all perfectly healed, he looked down further to his hips; they were bleeding from several fresh, vertical cuts atop a collection of older scars and cuts that had accumulated over the past few weeks. He’d started again, he’d promised himself he wouldn’t, but he had become overwhelmed and relapsed. He hated what he was doing to himself, he was ashamed and once again had no one to confide in. He was scared. He wiped the blood from his flesh and washed over his skin with water before cleaning the cuts and checking that they were no longer bleeding. He pulled his jeans up a little higher and pulled down his shirt, hiding all of his bodily damage as he slid the razor into his pocket. 

Dan breezed past Phil with a smile on his face, taking the hot chocolate from the microwave and plopping down beside Phil on the couch,   
“Where were you last night? You didn’t come home until pretty late last night,” Dan asked before taking a sip of his drink,   
“Oh, me and Chris hung out for a little bit at his place, why? Everything okay here?” Phil replied, lowering the volume of the TV.   
“Can I ask you something?”  
“Of course! What is it?” Phil replied with a look of ambiguity,   
“Are you and Chris…? Are the two of you, um, together?” he asked quietly,   
“What the hell? No, we’re not, why would you think that?”   
“Are you guys hooking up… or, like, did you?” Dan continued to ask.   
“No, Dan. Chris and I aren’t together, we’re not hooking up, we’ve never hooked up and we never will,” Phil said sounding punchy, “Where the hell did you get that idea?”  
“Oh… Sorry… it’s just that, Peej and I saw the two of you kiss, and then get into a taxi and then you spent the night at his place. I thought that, I don’t know what I thought…”  
“You know, Dan, not all friends hook up. Also, I’m really not Chris’s type, remember? And another thing, we never kissed,” Phil explained,   
“I saw it, Phil!” Dan pushed, Phil put his hand on Dan’s knee and looked into his eyes,   
“I’ve never kissed another guy,” he confessed, “and frankly, I don’t want to.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

“Phil, I… I had no idea,” Dan breathed, his eyes breaking contact with Phil’s and dropping down to look at Phil’s hand on his knee,   
“It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” Phil shook it off,   
“No, if I had known… I don’t know what I would have done, but… dear god, I’m so sorry!”  
“Dan, it’s okay, it really is. I don’t mind, I’ve kissed other people, just, you know, female ones,” he laughed,   
“I just assumed that you had… Like, I’ve kissed guys before, remember when I told you about when I thought I was into guys when I was a young teenager? I mean, I was attracted to them, but I just tend to gravitate toward women and have since forever, so I just thought that-” Dan rambled,   
“Dan, this is getting quite long-winded,” Phil laughed as Dan looked a little embarrassed.   
“So, you get what I mean?” Dan tried to clarify,   
“You’re bi, but prefer women?”   
“Yeah... I don’t think about it much, it’s just a tiny aspect of who I am, you know? It is just a bit easier to just tell the vast majority of people that I’m straight,”   
“That’s perfectly okay,” Phil told him, stroking Dan’s knee with him thumb, Dan chuckled in relief, hesitating as he combed over the thoughts in his head that spun and twisted around so quickly that he couldn’t take hold of just one.  
“Do you think that, I don’t know, maybe we could explore the possibility of eventually, you know, being more than friends…?” he let the thought form out loud, asking Phil and praying that he wouldn’t heartlessly reject him,   
“Yes. I do think we could explore that, but we’ll just have to see if it falls together naturally, I think,” Phil answered, smiling at his younger, “I guess we’ll see what happens.” 

Six years. It had been six years to the very day, the 16th of November, since ‘the incident’. That’s what Phil called it at least, he really didn’t know how else to politely describe it. He laid in his bed, atop the covers, remembering every single detail, remembering his mother’s reaction and remembering the consequences. He had to physically shake his head to disperse the thoughts that were building up in his mind, making him physically ill. He envisioned himself placing the pills in his mouths, one by one, it took two hours for him to swallow all 90 pills before he fell asleep. He recollected every single thought, feeling and experience from the next morning, his mother crying as he woke up in the ambulance after she’d found him and couldn’t wake him up, and the disappointment of having woken up in the first place hanging in the back of his mind. He was shaking. He couldn’t stop it or control it,   
“I’m sorry mum…” he uttered to the crying woman next to him. Just remembering his mother’s devastated, terrified face was enough to cause him to cry again. He hated what he did, he hated how he hurt her, six years later and it still occupied his thoughts. He closed his eyes and continued to sob, when he opened them again Dan was by his side and holding him in a tight embrace,   
“Are you okay?” Dan stroked Phil’s hair,   
“Yeah, just bad memories,” he uttered,   
“Want to talk about it?”  
“It’s been six years today since I tried to kill myself. I can’t stop thinking about my mum crying and… I just hate what I did to her…” Phil exhaled, “I think I just needed to let it all out, I’ll be okay,”  
“Okay,” Dan pulled him closer before releasing him and telling him he’d be okay. 

Phil had perked up a fair bit by the evening, must to Dan’s relief. Dan had painstakingly spent 25 minutes cleaning up his new batch of cuts up and down his hips, before heading out into the kitchen. He decided to make them both pancakes for dinner, he set up the table and told Phil to pick a seat while he went to grab the food. He felt like today was a difficult day for Phil and wanted to try and do his best to make it even just the littlest bit better. He placed the plate of pancakes on the table and transferred a couple to Phil’s plate,   
“Cute,” Phil said, smiling up at him, Dan laughed and told him to be quiet. They ate their meal, sharing a few laughs in between bites,   
“You’re getting sugar everywhere!” Phil exclaimed as Dan tried to pat the powdered sugar from his black shirt, he was thoroughly entertained,   
“I know! I can’t stop it!” Dan laughed back, giving up on getting it off his clothes,   
“Here,” Phil smiled and walked over to Dan’s seat at the table and lightly brushed some of the sugar off of his friend,   
“That’s really not doing-,” Dan, looking up to Phil, began to say before he was cut off by Phil’s lips pressing against his own, tasting coating of sugar covering his mouth, “Phil… What are you doing?” he whispered as Phil slowly broke away.   
“If you’re not okay with this…” Phil began to speak,   
“No, no, I’m okay. I’m very okay, just a little surprised,” Phil leaned back down and kissed his smiling lips again, this time Dan stood from his chair and placed his hands around Phil’s waist, pulling the two of them closer together.   
Phil tilted his head upward kissing Dan deeper, Dan took control and walked Phil back towards the wall. Dan pinned him to the wall, pressing his lips harder against Phil’s before moving his lips to Phil’s neck, his tongue tracing the pattern of the chocker tattoo, his lips kissing further down and across his left shoulder as Dan pulled the neck of Phil’s t-shirt across. He pulled the shirt off entirely and kissed down his torso, soon making his way back up to Phil’s patient lips. Phil place his hands on Dan’s hips and he flinched slightly, Dan didn’t stop kissing him so he ignored it, after a little while Phil reached to remove Dan’s shirt; Dan pulled away and pulled his shirt back down, covering his scars and fresh cuts,   
“I’m sorry… I can’t…” he murmured,   
“No, it’s okay, you don’t have to do anything,” Phil pushed Dan’s hair from his face and kissed him lightly on the cheek, “are you okay?”  
“I’m fine,” he replied, clasping Phil’s hand in his own. Dan laid down next to Phil in his bed, they smiled at each other and Dan started to laugh,   
“What’s so funny?” Phil smiled to him,   
“Is this natural enough for you?” he laughed some more as Phil playfully and gently hit Dan in the head with a stray pillow.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

“Why are you taller than me?” Phil complained as Dan looked down to him slightly, taunting him,  
“Because reasons,” Dan laughed as he continued to wipe down the dining table where he’d accidentally knocked over his glass of water,  
“I liked you better when you were smaller and shorter and a little bit shy,” Phil jokingly whined,  
“So you liked me better when I was barely legal?” Dan laughed,  
“Oh my… No! Dan!” Phil exclaimed, “I mean when you didn’t give me attitude and I could loom over you all intimidatingly,” he joked.  
“So you don’t like me now, then?”  
“Not at all,” Phil smiled,  
“And you only liked me when I was cute and even more of an embarrassment?” Dan continued, smiling through his eyes,  
“Yep,” Phil answered, “You were so cute,” Dan groaned and laughed a little, “What happened?” Phil laughed. Dan narrowed his eyes and once again looked down at Phil, snickering a little as Phil’s eyes closed and he quickly lent forward and timidly kissed Dan’s neck. 

He loved him and he loved that he was allowed to kiss him. Phil felt dizzy every time Dan touched him and for the first time since he had first developed feelings for Dan, he felt like there was a chance that it would work out. He was happy. Dan couldn’t honestly say that he was in love with Phil, but he could see himself getting there and that thought alone was enough for him. Phil made him feel safe and happy, spending time with him had always brightened his mood, but now it was different. It was like it was more exciting, it was a little daunting, but every single good feeling that came flooding through him when he was with Phil heightened. Since they’d kissed again in the dining room a week before, they’d essentially only really kissed or cuddled on the couch or in one of their beds, it was much like their friendship had always been, just a little more intimate. It was nice. Phil knew that Dan wanted to a little further, he could feel his erection through his pants when he cuddled him or held him really close, but for some reason he just wouldn’t allow himself to be touched in certain places or seen without a shirt on. He couldn’t help but wonder whether or not Dan was suddenly uncomfortable with his body. As far as Phil thought, Dan had absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, he was quite possibly the most attractive person that he’d ever laid eyes on, but if Dan wasn’t comfortable, Phil wasn’t going to push him. 

Dan sat in front of his laptop and camera, filming a live show. His eyes were bright and he was cheerfully talking to all 10, 000 people that had kindly tuned in to watch him sit and do basically nothing. He caught sight of Phil walking past his bedroom door and called out,  
“Phil?!” he shouted, smiling to the camera, “Hang on guys,” he laughed. Phil quickly turned around and walked into his room, waving to Dan’s audience,  
“Yes?” he smiled,  
“What are- where are you going?”  
“I’m going… elsewhere,” Phil laughed, “I don’t want any stalkers,”  
“Bring me back something nice,” Dan joked. Phil waved at the camera and said goodbye as he walked back out of the door and out of the flat. Dan apologised to his community and resumed the last 15 minutes of his YouNow broadcast. 15 minutes later he finally closed his laptop and took in a relaxing breath of air. He’d mentally laid out the plan for the night in his head, he dug under his mattress and felt around for the tiny plastic box he’d hidden there. Once he’d found it he pushed it open, revealing his secret razor, he pulled it out and tossed the box onto the wooden covering of his piano.  
He closed the bathroom door and pulled his shirt off. The cuts and scars on his hips were hideous, but at the same time the markings were so ascetically pleasing, he traced them lightly with his finger so that it wouldn’t hurt too much. He let out a deep breath of air and placed the cool blade against his flesh, he pushed down and broke the skin before dragging it down, crossing over and reopening a couple of his previous wounds. The blood began to spill, so he quickly pulled off his pants to avoid ruining them, soon it began to drip down onto the waist band of his underwear, the stain growing with each drop of blood. He shuddered with the sting of the cold metal disfiguring his flesh, his eyes began to water as he repeated the action again and again. He sucked in some more oxygen as his hands began to shake and he dropped the razor. He just stood, staring himself down in the mirror, disgusted by the human being standing before him. He was tragic. He was a disappointment. He was the human incarnation of pathetic. He was trapped and held hostage inside his own head. He let the blood ooze from his flesh until it began to dry and eventually cease bleeding. After a few moments he began to dab at the dried ribbons of blood with a wet piece of toilet paper, cleaning himself up. He bent down to pick up his shirt and felt something wet rolling down his skin once more, some of the cuts had apparently not clotted like he’d suspected. He tossed his shirt aside yet again, took a couple of steps back and watched it bleed through the reflection in the mirror, tuning out any and all sounds around him. 

Phil unlocked the front door to the flat and stepped in, checking his phone for any new messages, there were none. He wandered into Dan’s rooms to check on him and found it empty, everything exactly as it had been before he left, minus the lack of Dan and the addition of a small, weird, clear-plastic box on the piano. He stayed quiet, he wasn’t sure why but a there was a tiny voice in the back of his head telling him to hold his breath and remain at silent as possible. He walked to the bathroom door and turned the handle, it wasn’t locked. Phil pushed it open completely, revealing Dan standing in front of the mirror in nothing but his underwear, Dan quickly whipped around and then he saw it. His waist, his hips, wrapping around to his pelvis were covered in red cuts, some were still bleeding slightly. There were so many scars and cuts, overlapping and re-opening one another, it was ghastly.  
“Oh my… Dan,” Phil breathed before Dan could explain,  
“No, it’s not… Fuck…” Dan tried to think of an excuse, but nothing came to mind,  
“I thought… I thought we were past this,” Phil took a single step forward toward the trembling boy before him,  
“I don’t know what happened… I just, one day, I just… I had to,”  
“When?”  
“When we were, um, not talking and I really hurt you and you were… I thought you hated me,” Dan almost whimpered,  
“I didn’t hate you… Dan, I just… fuck,” Phil buried his face in his hands,  
“I’m sorry… I really am, I’ve tried to get it under control! Honestly, I’ve been trying,”  
“I believe you, I’m just very, um, shocked, but it explains a lot,” Phil wrapped his arms around the tall, brown haired boy.  
“Do you… do you still love me?” Dan whispered fearfully,  
“Yes,” Phil looked into his eyes, “Don’t cry, okay? I understand how things were chaotic and hard for you before, I get it and I’m here now and we’re going to try again, alright?”  
“I love you too, Phil” Dan told him for the very first time before he leaned down slightly and kissed his friend whom promptly kissed him back. 

His whole evening had been full of crazy emotion, beginning when he had first discovered Dan in the bathroom and learned that he’d been cutting himself again. Suddenly everything made sense, the way Dan refused to let Dan see him without clothes on, the way Dan flinched when Phil places his hands on his body, the hesitance toward any more intimacy. Phil sighed in his seat on the couch as Dan slept peacefully next to him, curled up and his slightly curly hair covering parts of his face. He felt a little angry at himself for not having put two and two together, he was upset at himself for making Dan feel like he couldn’t talk to him. He wished he could have done something to prevent his problem from starting up again. The second cause of this sudden upstart of emotions was from the last thing Dan had said at all that night before cuddling with him on the lounge in silence and falling asleep, “I love you too, Phil.” Silent tears rolled down his face, he was overwhelmed. Dan LOVED him. Dan loved HIM. He felt selfish for that being the highlight in his mind while Dan was clearly struggling again, but suddenly he felt like everything was going to be okay. They could work through his problem with self-harm together, because they LOVED each other.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

It was December 20th , five days before Christmas, and the flat was decorated from door to door with Christmas trinkets, tinsel and Yuletide ornaments, the Christmas tree standing tall and proud in the corner of the living room. Dan emerged from the kitchen, tea towel in hand and tossed it to Phil as he wiped up the mess of spilt coffee,  
"For a grown-ass man, you sure do make a lot of mess," Dan rose his eyebrow at Phil,  
"I know," Phil groaned with a smile.  
"Have you called your mum yet?" Dan asked as he retrieved the towel from Phil,  
"Yeah,"  
"Have you sorted anything out?" Dan continued, hoping that everything had gone well,  
"Yeah, it'll be fine," Phil lied, lightly pecking Dan on the cheek, "You're leaving in about half an hour?"  
"Yeah, are you sure things are going to be alright? Like, with your parents and everything?"  
"Yes! Yeah! It's all okay, nothing to worry about, mum and I talked and everything,"  
"Can I kiss you?" Dan smiled,  
"You've never asked to kiss me before," Phil laughed,  
"I just want this to be special because we're not going to see each other for like a week," he shrugged, stroking Phil's face with his thumb.  
"I love you," Phil nuzzled his face against Dan's hand and his bottom lip began to quiver,  
"I love you too," Dan smiled down to him and took his quivering lips in his own. After a moment Phil's lips parted slightly, inviting entrance to Dan's tongue, allowing him to kiss him deeper and more passionately. They broke apart and Phil stretched up and pecked Dan's lips thrice more before taking his kisses across to his dimpled cheek, kissing his ear, moving down his jaw and his neck, sending shivers down Dan's spine.  
"I have a feeling you're going to miss me," Dan whispered into Phil's ear, after kissing his cheek, "It's okay though, I'm going to miss you a lot too. Maybe when we both get back we can, you know..."  
"You know I want to, I'm a little scared, but I do want to," Phil smiled slightly.  
"I know we haven't talked about it properly but after Christmas we will, we'll figure it out," Dan kissed Phil's lips again. He ran his hand down Phil's torso and turned to grab his bags from his bedroom before leaving the flat, kissing Phil for the umpteenth time,  
"Call me when you get there!" Phil called out to him,  
"Call me when you're leaving!" Dan replied with a grin, soon he was out of sight and Phil was left standing alone in the flat. 

"Hi, mum, how are you?" Phil spoke into the phone, he could almost hear the smile in her voice as she greeted him back,  
"Hello, Phil! I'm good! How are you?"  
"I'm good, mum," he began, "I just wanted to know if you spoke to dad about Christmas? He's still not answering anything from me..."  
"Oh, Phillip... I'm so sorry, he just won't budge," she sounded heartbroken.  
"No, mum, it's okay! I hope you guys have a good Christmas, I'll call you again then, alright?" He said, his chest feeling tight,  
"Okay, honey. I'm so sorry, but you'll be okay with Dan for Christmas at your place, right?"  
"Yeah, right. I love you, mum," he told her,  
"I love you too, I'll talk to you soon." He ended the call and pushed his phone into his pocket. Alone for Christmas. He sat cross-legged on the couch and sat quietly for a while, he felt crappy. His own family didn't want him to spend Christmas with him, Dan was gone to be with his family for the holiday and here he was, alone in the flat feeling sorry for himself. 

Hours passed and he still hadn't moved, he had no motivation to get up and do anything. His phone chimed, playing his ringtone loudly, breaking the silence throughout the apartment. Phil fumbled with the phone for a moment before pressing the green button and holding it to his ear,  
"Phil?" Dan's voice echoed through the phone, "Are you there?"  
"Yeah, I'm here. Did you get to your parent's place alright?" He replied,  
"Yep, I just got here, I'm about to walk through the front door now, I just wanted to call you first," Dan told him. Phil didn't respond but he could hear his breathing through the phone,  
"Are you okay?" Dan asked. Water started to gather in Phil's eyes,  
"Yes," he squeaked, choking back the tears.  
"No, tell me the truth, what's happening?" Dan demanded,  
"I just miss you, nothing serious, don't worry about me," Phil forced a laugh, "I love you, and I'll talk to you later?"  
"Okay, if you're sure. I love you too, I'll call you soon." Dan shoved his phone into his pocket and twisted the handle of the front door, letting himself in. He greeted his family with a smile and laughed as his mother embraced him in a warm hug,  
"I've missed you!" She exclaimed, holding him in front of her, "Have you grown?!"  
"Uh, I don't think I'm still growing," he laughed, letting her kiss him on the cheek. He caught sight of his brother and quickly hugged him too before making his way to his dad and asking him how he was. 

That night at dinner his mum had a thousand questions about his work, his life and just about anything under the sun that may or may not have had anything to do with him, and then she brought him up. Phil.  
"How's Phil going, too? Is he good? What's he doing this Christmas?" She quizzed him,  
"Phil is fine, he's been helping me a lot. It's gonna be hard going almost a week without seeing him, to be honest," Dan replied, shoveling some peas into his mouth,  
"You can't go less than a week without seeing your friend that you see every day? Ha, gay." His brother laughed, Dan shot him a look before his mother continued,  
"Is he going home too?" She asked,  
"I think so, I'm not entirely sure. He's been a bit... distant about the whole thing, he's um, he's had some problems with his family and he's not been too keen to talk about it..." Dan explained.  
"You two must be really close then?" His dad asked,  
"We are, we're EXTREMELY close," Dan laughed, watching his brother's expression change on his emphasis,  
"Aw, is he your boooyfriend?" His brother taunted. His mother quickly silenced him with a glare while his father looked on with a mouth full of lamb. Dan swallowed his mouthful of potato and cleared his throat before answering,  
"Yeah, actually."


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

“He is my boyfriend,” Dan stated, looking his brother right in the eye,   
“You’re… you’re gay?” his mother stuttered, the smile sliding off of her face,   
“Well, no. I like women, but I also, uh, I’m also into guys,” he explained briefly, “More specifically, I’m into Phil,”   
“Literally…” his brother commented. Dan let out an audible laugh, flashing his brother a grin and noticing that he was laughing too, his father just sat looking concerned,   
“But, Daniel, don’t you want to be with a girl, get married and have a family someday?” his Dad asked him, putting his cutlery down loudly on his empty plate.   
“I do want to get married someday, I think. I also think that maybe I would like to have a family, but why couldn’t I have all that with Phil?”  
“I think that’s lovely!” Dan’s mum exclaimed with a large smile,   
“Really?” Dan smiled, “Thanks, mum.” He adjusted his hair and his eyes flicked over to his father,   
“As long as you’re happy,” his dad told him with a nod and a small smile. 

Dan had been with his parents for two nights and hadn’t heard a single thing from Phil. He’d tried to call him at least a dozen times and left multiple messages, but there was no response. Why was he ignoring his calls? Was something wrong? Had he done something? There were no signs of life. He sat on the couch as his mother wandered past,   
“What’s the matter, sweetie?” she asked, stacking up the books on the coffee table,   
“Phil hasn’t answered his phone since just before I got here the other day, I’m getting concerned,” he told her, trying to keep his breathing steady so that he wouldn’t worry her too much,   
“I’m sure he’s okay, he’s an adult and he can take care of himself,” she said, trying to make him feel better,   
“I know, mum… but he wouldn’t just not reply to any of my messages or calls,” he sighed, “I’m going to try a couple of our friends, maybe they’ll have some idea,”   
“Okay, sweetie, I hope everything’s okay!” she called out as Dan wandered out the front door, phone in hand. He flicked through his contacts and hit PJ’s name,   
“Hey Dan, what’s up?” PJ spoke through the phone,   
“Hey Peej, I was wondering if you could do me a favour?”   
“Sure, what do you need?”   
“Can you call Phil for me? He hasn’t answered me in days and I’m really worried,”   
“I actually just tried to call him, like an hour ago. I tried to call him yesterday too, but he’s not answering. Do you know where he is? Is he at home, with his parents, or..?” PJ asked,   
“I have no idea… Thanks anyway, if you hear anything will you let me know?”  
“Of course, I’m sorry I couldn’t help,”   
“No, it’s fine. Thanks again.” Dan hung up the phone call and looked down at his cold toes, he had to find out what had happened to Phil. Dan ran around the house, frantically grabbing a few essentials and running into his dad in the process,   
“What are you doing?” he asked, getting in Dan’s path toward the stairs,   
“I’ve got to go out for a while, I’m not sure when I’ll be back, but I’ll call mum or something, okay?”   
“Is everything alright?” he looked alarmed,   
“I’m not sure…” he breathed as he snaked past his father to make his way back home to the flat in London. 

Dan shoved his key into the lock of the flat, wiggling it around as he huffed at the door. He pushed it open and ran through to the living room, the television was on but the room was empty. He took a moment to catch his breath and continued his search for Phil. He shoved Phil’s bedroom door open, nearly tripping over in the process, he looked up to Phil’s bed and saw his motionless body lying on his side, facing away from door. Dan bolted over and leaped onto the bed, turning Phil over onto his back and shaking him awake. Phil’s eyes blinked open,   
“Dan?” he responded slowly and groggily,   
“Are you okay?! What did you do?!” Dan demanded, holding Phil’s arm tightly,   
“I’m okay… I didn’t do anything, what are you talking about? You’re hurting me…” he blinked a few more times to focus on Dan,   
“You’re okay?” Dan clarified, loosening his grip on Phil’s arm, “Why haven’t you answered any of my calls, or anyone’s calls?!”  
“My phone was too far away…” he said, his eyes gesturing to his Phone that sat on the opposite side of the room,   
“Not just today, Phil, the past THREE days,”   
“I haven’t gotten up in three days?” he looked up to Dan, whom noticed the stubble on his face.   
“You haven’t moved in three days?”   
“I went to the bathroom a couple of times?” he murmured,   
“Have you eaten since I left?” Dan’s eyes widened,   
“I’m not hungry,”   
“Okay, get up. Right now.” Dan dragged Phil up by his wrists and sat him down on the couch, he proceeded to grab some cereal from the kitchen and practically had to force feed him. After a couple of hours Phil felt a little better and he apologised for worrying Dan, he then stepped into the bathroom to shave and shower. While he was showering, Dan snuck into his room and started throwing his clothes, Lion, anything he could grab and threw it all into a large, black canvas bag. 

Phil finished getting dressed and sorted in his bedroom after finding clothes laid out on the bed for him. He slowly walked into the living room and was greeted with the sight of Dan holding up his large, black bag, he could see one of his tops and his Lion poking out of the top of the bag.   
“Dan… What-?” he began before Dan interrupted him,   
“No, stop talking. I called my mum. You’re coming with me, I know you’re not going to your parents,”   
“But I…” Phil opened his mouth to speak,   
“Please come with me,” Dan’s eyes looked so full of sadness and hopelessness and innocence, Phil couldn’t say no,   
“I love you…” he squeaked, Dan pecked him on the cheek quickly,   
“I’m taking that as a yes.”  
“I’m sorry I sort of broke down…” Phil apologised again,   
“Just don’t scare me like that, and promise me that you won’t just shut down next time and you’ll come talk to me?” Dan pleaded. Phil apologised and reached up to kiss Dan gently on the lips as their fingers intertwined by their sides.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Trees, buildings, grass and roads flashed past Phil’s eyes as he stared out of the train window. His body rocked with the vibrations of the carriage, feeling every bump and hitch in the track, as he listened to the sound of Dan’s voice as he spoke to his mother on the phone,   
“We’re not too far away, thanks again,” Dan’s face was lit with a smile, his eyes flicking to meet Phil’s, “I love you too, mum.”   
“I hope I’m not going to be imposing or anything…” Phil uttered as Dan slipped his arm around his shoulders,   
“My mum offered, Phil, you’re not imposing. I’m glad I get to spend Christmas with you and my family anyway,” he pecked him on the cheek,   
“Do they know that we’re um… together?” Phil asked, breaking eye contact with Dan,   
“I told them a couple of days ago and as far as I can tell, no one really has an issue with it,” he laughed and tilted his head to kiss Phil’s lips and hopefully make him feel a little better. Phil relaxed into Dan’s body, burying himself as Dan adjusted his arm to hold him a little tighter, Dan watched as Phil’s eyes fluttered slightly before closing and he let out a shallow breath. Phil could feel Dan’s chest rising and falling as he breathed, he listened to his heartbeat which began to beat faster as Phil moved his hand to Dan’s thigh, resting comfortably. Dan looked down at Phil; his friend, his lover, his everything. He admired Phil’s thin physique, undressing him with his eyes and wishing he could kiss him all over, but apparently that wasn’t something socially acceptable to do in public. 

He felt so nervous. He’d met Dan’s family before, but that was different, that was when they were just friends. He wrung his hands in front of his body and could feel himself about to panic. The tears were just seconds away, he could feel it. The shaking was about to start, he could feel his insides trembling. His breathing became shallow and suddenly he felt dizzy. Dan grabbed Phil’s wrist and pulled his hands apart and slipped his fingers into Phil’s, causing him to finally look up from the ground and into Dan’s eyes,   
“It’s okay,” Dan whispered to him with a smile, Phil’s eyes were watering and Dan couldn’t resist placing his hand up against the side of Phil’s face, stroking his cheek with his thumb and catching the two stray tears that fell from his right eye as he blinked.   
“I love you,” Dan whispered, leaning down and kissing him gently, “so, so, much,”   
“I love you too,” Phil smiled awkwardly, touching Dan’s arm and brushing his other hand against his face. Dan clasped Phil’s hand in his own and pulled him up to the front door of his parent’s house, he turned the door handle and pushed it open, revealing himself and Phil to his family.   
“Phil! How are you?” Dan’s mum rushed over and embraced him in a tight hug, “Oh! You’re freezing, come on, come inside!”   
“I’m really good, thank you. Thanks for having me as well, I really appreciate it,” Phil smiled meekly,   
“Your family’s loss is our family’s gain!” she smiled before heading over and kissing Dan on the cheek.   
“You two are so cute, look at you! Holding hands and all!” she giggled as she turned around and headed toward the dining room. 

Dan tucked himself up in bed and waited for Phil to come back from the bathroom before he went to sleep, he kicked the bottom of the blanket up under his feet and enjoyed the cool side of the duvet cover. Meanwhile, Phil had finished brushing his teeth and took a single step out of the bathroom when someone abruptly and roughly grabbed at his arm and squeezed down on it tightly, turning Phil’s entire body to face the aggressor,   
“You and Dan, I don’t want anything funny, I don’t want any of that disgusting behavior here, I don’t want you influencing my son,” Dan’s father spoke harshly and quietly, “You don’t think you’re a little old for him? You don’t think you’re taking advantage of him? I’ll tell you. You are.”   
“I… I…” Phil stuttered, “Dan… he’s an adult, too. He’s happy…” Phil could feel the grip on his arm getting tighter, it was hurting him.   
“Dan doesn’t know what he wants.” Phil felt the release of the grip and Dan’s father stormed away, leaving Phil alone in the dark hallway, his heart pumping fast and tears in his eyes. He took in a deep breath and walked into Dan’s bedroom and shut the bedroom door before climbing in next to him and rolling over facing away from him. Dan placed his hand on Phil’s arm and he flinched immediately, much to Dan’s alarm,   
“Phil, what’s going on? Come here?” Dan whispered,   
“No… It’s okay, good night.”  
“Phil… I want you to come cuddle me, please?”   
“It’s not really appropriate here,” Phil breathed over his shoulder,   
“Uh, you are aware that this is the bed, the room and the house where I spent my teenage years, right? What do you think I spent most of my time doing?”   
“I don’t know…” Phil supposed,   
“Playing with myself, Phil. What’s the difference between me doing that alone and us doing that together?”   
“The difference is that if your parents caught you doing that alone, you’d be embarrassed and it would be awkward, and if you’re parents caught me touching you…” Phil began,   
“What? What do you think will happen?” Dan asked,   
“Your dad will kill me,”   
“Don’t be ridiculous! Phil, what make you think that?!”  
“Your dad made me think that when he cornered me in the hall. Dan, I think that maybe I should go…” Phil whimpered. 

Dan pushed down on Phil’s arm, rolling him onto his back, Dan quickly climbed up on top of him, straddling him and pinning his arms by his side. Phil squirmed beneath him and struggled to get his arms free, Dan bent down and kissed him passionately, his tongue dancing with Phil’s. He could feel Phil’s erection pressing against his own and Dan grinded against him mercilessly, teasing Phil. He loosed the grip of his legs and Phil managed to get his arms free, using them to grab a fistful of Dan’s hair and guiding his face to his own to kiss him again. Dan wiggled back slightly and groped at Phil’s crotch before fumbling with the waistband of his pajamas,   
“Dan…” Phil breathed, “No…” Dan kissed Phil’s neck and looked into his eyes,   
“No?” Dan repeated.   
“No…” he whispered again.   
“Okay,” Dan smiled to him, “I love you,” he giggled, kissing him again and rolling to lay by his side. Phil snuggled up as close to Dan as he could and waited for Dan to get comfortable before inching his arm around his waist, moments later Dan did the same,   
“Are you okay?” Dan asked him, planting a kiss on Phil’s cheek,   
“Yeah…”   
“We’ll continue when we’re at home and you feel a little safer,” he whispered into Phil’s ear.   
“I love you too,” Phil exhaled with a distinct note of happiness, and lightly bit Dan’s arm before cuddling up closer together and falling asleep.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

The house was silent, his parents had gone out early to meet some old friends for something that he just wasn’t interested in in the slightest. He tiptoed toward his older brother’s bedroom, both curious of what he’d see on the other side of the door and desperate to steal his brother’s USB, which he knew for a fact contained multiple movies and maybe even a TV show or two. He slowly crept up to the door and pressed his ear against it, listening for any sounds, it was quiet. He slowly and gently turned the door handle, once it was open about an inch he bent down onto all fours to prevent being spotted and used his fingers to gradually open the door, centimeter by centimeter, until it was wide enough for him to crawl through. He spotted the bag that had to contain the USB, the key that would free him from his boredom, and silently snaked his way along the ground toward the bag,   
“Adrian!” he heard his brother’s voice yell out from the bed, followed by a small yelp from the man lying next to him. His entire boy jumped as he looked up to the bed at his brother’s annoyed face,   
“Yes?” he replied, a look of innocence sweeping across his face,   
“What do you think you’re doing?” Dan, his brother, rose his eyebrow,   
“Just… chilling. What are YOU doing?” Adrian retorted,   
“I WAS cuddling in bed with my boyfriend, but I was rudely interrupted by a large pest crawling along my floor.” Adrian stood up and brushed the bits of felt and carpet off of his knees before flashing him a smile and flicking his eyes to meet Phil’s as a silent cry for help,   
“Sorry…” he shrugged, Phil placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder and his lips formed a smile like a silent laugh, Dan sighed,   
“What’s up?” he asked his brother,   
“I can I borrow your USB?” he awkwardly spat out,   
“Yeah, go for it,” Dan pointed to his bag, and wriggled his shoulders so that Phil’s arm rested more comfortably around them.   
“Um, can I ask you guys something?” Adrian bit his lip and looked down as he shuffled his feet, Dan nodded,   
“Yeah?” Phil spoke this time,   
“Why didn’t you tell us?” he asked, “Well, why didn’t you tell me? Didn’t you trust me?” Dan smiled weakly and patted the space next to him on his other side and after hesitating for a moment, Adrian climbed in. Dan placed his arm around him and Phil laughed as he watched his boyfriend attempt to get comfortable between them,   
“It’s not that we didn’t trust you, it’s just that nobody knows, and we’re trusting you now and that’s what’s important,” Dan smiled,   
“Phil, does your family know?” Adrian queried. Phil swallowed the saliva in his mouth before he answered him,   
“Yeah…”  
“Is that why you’re here? I heard my mum on the phone, but I didn’t really get much information on what was going on,” he confessed,   
“Yep,” Phil breathed, Dan squeezed Phil’s thigh lightly to comfort him.   
“That must really suck… I’m sorry. It probably doesn’t really help that dad’s-” Adrian stopped himself from finishing the sentence, but Phil nodded, knowing exactly what he was going to say,   
“Dad’s what?” Dan asked,   
“Don’t worry about it,” Adrian shook his head,   
“No, tell me!” Dan demanded. 

“Dad’s not a homophobe,” Dan stated, looking back and forth between his brother and his boyfriend,   
“Maybe not as a real phobia, but he’s not exactly a fan. At all.” Adrian continued to pursue his argument,   
“But he said…”  
“He doesn’t want to fight with mum… And besides, I heard and saw what he did last night…” Adrian looked over at Phil and widened his eyes.   
“What happened?” Dan asked Adrian before turning to Phil, “What did he do?!” Phil remained silent, dipping his head and hoping the focus would soon leave him,   
“He grabbed Phil’s arm and said some really horrible things to him…” Adrian explained. Dan turned to Phil and took his arm from behind Adrian and placed his hand up against Phil’s face and began to apologise profusely. He leaned over and kissed Phil gently on the lips, bringing a smile to his face. Adrian pushed himself down into the bed and covered his head with the duvet, Phil laughed and pulled the covers over both he and Dan’s heads, meeting Adrian underneath,   
“What’s wrong?” Dan laughed,   
“You guys are so weird!” he laughed back, allowing Dan to pull him into a side hug, “Oh, and don’t worry, no one will say anything to anyone about you guys, but tell me first if or when you decide to go public?”   
“If we do and anyone hassles you, just let us know, okay?” Phil told him. Adrian nodded and pushed the covers off of the three of them,   
“Thanks,” he smiled. 

Once they’d gotten out of bed and realized it was Christmas Eve, Dan drew the conclusion that as soon as the Christmas festivities were over, he’d have to have a very serious conversation with his father. He didn’t want to ruin the holiday for everyone else, especially his mum, who’d put so much effort into everything. Despite this decision, Dan wanted to flaunt his relationship with Phil as much as he could, he knew now that his mother and brother were perfectly accepting, and he wanted his dad to see how happy he was. His dad stood in the kitchen, washing the dishes after a strange meal, consisting of weird looks and shared laughter between primarily just him and his brother. Dan deliberately draped himself over the back of the armchair that Phil was sitting in, playing something on his phone, he kissed the back of Phil’s neck and moved his mouth around to his cheek before dropping down beside him and kissing his lips. Phil smiled, but pushed him away, feeling Dan’s father’s eyes burning into the back of his head,   
“I love you,” Dan said loudly, kissing Phil again as his father walked past, exiting the room with feelings of disgust running throughout his body.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

On Christmas day the house was filled with Dan’s relatives and the scent of the turkey, chicken and ham had wafted throughout the bottom floor the dwelling, laughter and chatter filling the air. Dan and Phil had decided to simply introduce Phil as Dan’s friend and roommate, anything else would have been complicated and Dan knew as well as anyone that at least one of his extended relatives would open their mouths to a friend or six and soon enough rumours would be flying about his relationship in forums much larger than the Phandom. Overall, the day had gone smoothly. Dan plopped himself down on his bed after an exhausting day, nearly squashing Phil’s legs,   
“Ah!” Phil exclaimed, Dan flipped himself onto his stomach and looked up at him, letting out an exasperated sigh,   
“Sorry, Phil. How’re you doing?” he asked his partner,   
“I’m exhausted,” he chuckled as Dan moved his hand to gently rub Phil’s knee through his jeans.   
“Me too,” Dan smiled, looking up at Phil, “You’re really cute,”   
“That must be some kind of Christmas miracle,” Phil laughed,   
“No! You’re just… you’re so adorable,”   
“Merry Christmas…” Phil blushed as he rearranged himself and Dan on the bed, glad that Dan was allowing himself to be so malleable. Phil propped himself up against the wall and shifted Dan’s head onto his lap so he could play with his straight, brown hair,   
“Hey Phil…” Dan laughed, “I want to do so many bad things to you right now,”   
“Oh my god… Dan!” Phil yelled in a whisper,   
“Yep,” he laughed again before continuing to whisper, “I want to kiss you all over and feel your fingernails digging into my back as I bite your neck… Want to know what I’d do next?” Phil felt a pressure in his jeans, his erection pushing against the denim and the zipper, Dan could feel it pulsating underneath the side of his face and bit his lip,   
“Dan, stop…” Phil giggled, covering his mouth and shuffling his body slightly to accommodate his sexual arousal,   
“Then I’d take your hard dick in my mouth and suck you as hard as I can and stroke you with my tongue at the same time before I-” Dan’s explanation was suddenly cut short by Phil clasping his hand over his mouth. Dan gently bit his fingers in an attempt to shake him off and continue speaking but Phil wouldn’t have any of it. Dan pushed himself up to Phil’s level and sat on his knees on the bed, finally managing to lose Phil’s hand,   
“...before I make you cum right there in my mou-” Phil leaped at Dan and simultaneously forced him into silence with his hand once more and pinned him to the bed. Dan bit his lip and winked at Phil,   
“I can feel how much you’re enjoying this,” Dan teased him, “it’s pressing against my leg…” Phil bent down and pressed his lips to Dan’s quickly and moved across to his cheek. He let out a shuddered breath and took Dan’s earlobe in his mouth, using his tongue to play with the thick, black earring that pierced through the lobe,   
“You really are horny, aren’t you?” Dan raised an eyebrow and bit his lip again.   
“Shut up, you,” Phil grinned, mindlessly loosening his pin on Dan and giving him ample opportunity to reverse the situation. Dan held Phil down against the bed and kissed him, slipping his tongue into Phil’s mouth and gently biting his lip before breaking the kiss and leaving Phil wanting more,   
“I’m so hard for you…” Dan whispered into his ear, pressing his clothed erection against Phil’s bulge. 

Adrian sat in the kitchen, listening to his mother gasp about how happy she was to have seen the family and cooing over how smoothly everything went over that day.  
“Mum, has dad said anything to you about Dan and, uh, Phil?” he asked her as she washed her chicken-covered hands,   
“No, he hasn’t. Why, sweetie, what’s up?” she asked him, drying her hands,   
“The other night I saw him threatening Phil in the hallway…”   
“He did what?! Are you telling me the truth?” she questioned in disbelief,   
“I told Dan and Phil pretty much confirmed it, and I think that maybe Dan’s going to say something to dad before he leaves. I just… I thought that maybe he’d have said something to you…”   
“What did he say to Phil?” her look became quite stern,   
“He told him that he was taking advantage of Dan and that he was too old for him and that what they were doing is disgusting… He was gripping Phil’s arm really tight too, dad’s knuckles were white…”   
“Thank you for telling me, we’ll… we’ll sort this out,” she smiled thankfully at her son, glad that he felt comfortable enough to tell her these things. Dan’s mum wrapped up the last of the meat and went to place some of the leftovers into the freezer but found that there was no space, she pulled out the half empty ice cream container and continued putting away the leftovers,   
“Hey honey, do you want to go and get the boys from upstairs, and we’ll finish off the ice cream before your father gets back from you uncle’s later? Maybe we’ll have a chat about what you’ve told me, too?” she asked her son with a smile,   
“Are you sure I can’t just eat it all? They’ll never have to know,” he joked partially, smiling and presenting his mother with his best puppy-dog eyes,   
“If they don’t want any, you can have it,” she laughed and shook her head before watching him trot up the stairs. He stopped outside of Dan’s old bedroom and could hear laughing on the other side of the door, surely that was a strong indicator that nothing inappropriate was going on inside. Adrian knocked on the door but there was no answer, they mustn’t have heard him over whatever they were laughing about, so he opened the door. 

Dan was sucking Phil’s dick. Dan, his brother, had a penis in his mouth.   
“OH MY GOD!” Adrian almost shouted, Dan quickly threw himself into a less compromising position and Phil straightened himself up to hide his shame. Dan leaped from the bed and shut the door behind his stunned brother, leaving the two of them standing inches away from each other and Phil sitting in the bed with his face buried in his palms.   
“Adrian,” Dan said slowly, bracing himself, “I’m so sorry you had to see that…”   
“No… it’s uh, it is, um, okay,” he answered bit by bit, “I just… wow.”   
“You’re alright?”  
“I just didn’t think that you, um…” he trailed off and smiled shyly, Dan laughed a little,   
“What did you think we would do?” he snickered, Adrian let out an embarrassed laugh,   
“I don’t even know what I thought,” he shook his head with an amused look on his face.   
“We’re all good?” Dan asked him, Adrian nodded and turned to Phil,   
“Uh… Phil? I’m sorry… You don’t have to, um, hide?” he said with a confused tone, causing Dan to laugh even more. Dan walked around to the side of the bed and pulled Phil into a hug, Phil looked up, sharing Adrian’s amused, yet embarrassed, facial expression,   
“What did you want anyway?” Dan asked his brother,   
“Mum wanted to know if you guys wanted any ice cream, but I think I can safely assume that your mouths are a little preoccupied and so I’m going to be eating it all alone in the lounge room, attempting to block out the image in my mind of my older brother… doing inappropriate things to inappropriate parts of Phil’s body.”   
“Okay, okay! Fair enough,” Dan laughed apologetically, pulling Phil in closer as Adrian walked out and shut the door behind him,   
“What did they say?” His mother asked, as Adrian rummaged through the draw for a spoon,   
“They didn’t want any,” he laughed.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Dan wanted to say something to his dad, he’d probably mapped it out in his head over and over again, planning what he’d say and anticipating any possible reactions from his father, but Phil had talked him out of it. Dan kissed his mother on the cheek and wrapped his arms around his brother and simply left his father with a simple goodbye. Phil accepted Dan’s mothers open armed invitation for a goodbye hug and followed this up with a warm hug with Adrian, he avoided eye contact with Dan’s father completely as he exited the house and Dan took his hand. They rode the train home together, laughing about the incident the day before and commenting on how empty the train was for Boxing Day. Once they were home and unpacked, the collapsed down together on Dan’s bed, Phil clutching his Lion. Dan looked over and spotted the mane through Phil’s fingers,  
“Hi, Lion,” he breathed with a smile,  
“Are you talking to me or him?” Phil joked, placing Lion on the top of the bedhead,  
“Um… both of you,” Dan giggled, tickling Phil’s neck with his fingers.  
“If I’m a lion, what does that make you?” Phil asked, eyebrow raised,  
“Well, I’m already a Danosaur, and I feel like if you called me that in any romantic or sexual encounter, I’d probably die from laughter and/or become entirely turned off,” he laughed,  
“You can be my bear, then,” Phil smiled and nuzzled into Dan’s chest,  
“Hello, lion,” Dan uttered,  
“Hello, bear,” Phil giggled, playing with the bottom of Dan’s shirt. 

“3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!” the blurry crowd on the television cheered, as Dan pulled his pillow tighter to his chest and scooched himself further into the corner of the couch between the back and the arm rest. He let out a deep sigh and allowed the tears continue to roll down his cheeks, clearing his vision ever so slightly. They’d been home from his parents place for 5 days and now Phil was gone. Dan didn’t know what was wrong with him, things had changed so fast. One day they were cuddling in bed together and the next Phil became distant, quieter, and then before he knew it, Phil was avoiding contact altogether. That afternoon Dan had had enough, he needed to know what was going on and so he confronted him. Looking back now as he sat alone on the couch, welcoming the New Year with some sad sobbing, perhaps he should had approached the situation differently. He had no idea what he was doing, he had no idea what he could have done to make Phil not want anything to do with him, he didn’t even have any idea of where Phil was. He’d called Chris and PJ, both were at the same party, both assured him that Phil definitely was not there. He’d tried calling Phil himself, but he was ignoring Dan’s calls. It was useless. Phil was gone, and so was Lion.  
It was December 31st, New Year’s Eve, and Phil rolled from his bed and straightened his duvet. He quickly fixed his hair as he wandered into the kitchen, he wasn’t hungry. He hadn’t eaten in what would now be 3 days. He saw Dan approaching the kitchen and he grabbed the box of cereal on the bench and pretended he had been busted snacking on it,  
“Phil, maybe you should get a bowl and some milk? Perhaps even a spoon?” Dan joked,  
“No, I’m good,” Phil said and put the box down on the counter. Dan moved closer to him and wrapped his arms around him, Phil didn’t struggle, but he didn’t return the embrace. He turned his face to the side as Dan leaned in to kiss him and before Dan could ask him about it, he shook him off and left the room, locking himself in the bathroom to shower. Within an hour, Phil had emerged from his bedroom, dressed and presentable. He looked incredible, and yet his eyes were sunken and filled with hopelessness and emptiness.  
“Phil,” Dan cleared his throat, “is something wrong? Did I do something?”  
“Not now, Dan,” Phil uttered as he collected his laptop charger from beside the couch,  
“No, Phillip. Don’t shrug me off, I’m worried and I’m panicking and I’m…”  
“And you’re overreacting, everything’s fine.”  
“I don’t think I am, though…” Dan spat out,  
“You know what you most definitely are, Daniel? Not minding your own business.” Phil tossed his laptop charger onto his bed before heading toward the front door,  
“Phil… What did I do? I’m sorry…” Dan cried,  
“Just forget about it. Forget about me,” Phil demanded flatly, and with that he was out the door, leaving Dan alone, hand pressed up against the door as he slid down into a heap on the ground. 

He powerwalked down the street, feeling a few spits of rain as the storm approached on the horizon. Every man he had ever trusted had betrayed him. His father. Dan’s father. Dan. Phil rounded the corner and kept walking as the rain began to hit him harder, he didn’t know where he was going, all he knew was he had to go, somewhere; anywhere. Just three days earlier he’d been on this very street when he’d gotten a strange feeling that something wasn’t right. Phil had rushed home just in time to find the flat quiet with the exception of some giggling down the hallway. Dan knew that Phil was supposed to have been out for the day, but he still wondered why he hadn’t told him he was having a friend over. Phil crept up to the door frame and peered through the crack in the door… He was with a girl. She had thick, orange hair and was stick thin with the exception of her ass, hips and breasts. He glanced through the door again and she was on top of him, kissing him. Phil didn’t believe what he was seeing, just as quietly as he’d come in, he’d left again, ending up sitting in a Starbucks alone with some Christmas drink. The rain began to pour harder, plastering his hair and clothes to his skin and hiding the tears that fell from his eyes. He shoved his hand into his pocket and felt the comfort of Lion’s felt, his heart sinking at the realisation that no matter where he went from here, the outcome would be the same. Heartbreak. 

“3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Phil heard from multiple parties at once. It was midnight. It was New Year’s Day. He sat in the park, it was cold, wet and generally unpleasant, but he persevered and decided against going home. He’d tried to live with Dan for days, expecting him to say something, expecting an apology without the context of Dan playing dumb, expecting to be able to get on and move past it, but he couldn’t. It hurt. It hurt so fucking much. Was he not enough for Dan? Was it because he hadn’t gone all the way with him? Was he not attractive enough? Was he not skinny enough for him? That girl had been so thin… He felt sick. So sick. He couldn’t remember the last time he had the will power to eat. The nausea grew worse and worse, the dizziness that had plagued him over the prior 2 days returned with a friend; unconsciousness. Phil watched at the world slowly grew darker with each blink, the street light to his left growing dimmer and dimmer until eventually, it was all black. Slowly his crumpled form tipped and he was falling to the ground, his body crashing hard into the concrete below and his head hitting the edge of the wooden bench on his way down. His body laid there, still. Unresponsive. Cold.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Dan woke up alone to 3 missed calls, the flat still empty other than himself and his eyes were still puffy from crying himself to sleep. His hips, waist and thighs were sore, he’d cut himself again before he sentenced himself to bed. They were so deep that the bleeding wouldn’t stop, so he padded the area and wrapped a bandage around his waist and hips, his legs weren’t too bad so he could stand to just allow them to scab over overnight. By the morning, they’d stopped bleeding and he simply had to change the padding beneath the bandage. He draped a blanket around his shoulders and plopped down onto the lounge and looked at his phone, unable to recognize the number that had failed to reach him three times at about four that morning. He sat for a moment and just stared at the screen of his phone. The number was a landline and had a few repeated numbers as though it was chosen to be easy to remember, it had to be from some kind of facility or government building. He hit the number on the screen to return the call and waited for somebody to pick up. Each ring brought with it more and more anticipation, building until Dan’s foot was tapping against the floor rapidly, and then the ringing stopped. A woman’s voice interrupted the single second of silence, Dan listened intently to her introduction, making mental notes of what she was saying;   
\- “Cathy speaking,”   
\- Hospital   
\- Emergency contact  
\- Philip Lester  
\- Admitted . 

Dan violently shoved the phone into his pocket and raced to grab his wallet and keys. As he ran down the stairs after deciding that the lift was talking too long, he felt his lungs burning. He really needed to get fit. He kept running until he was standing outside the building waving down a taxi, he gave the driver the address of the hospital and fastened his seatbelt. As soon as the cab pulled up at the hospital, he paid and thanked the driver as quickly and politely as he could and jumped out of the car before running into the hospital,   
“Sir… are you alright, sir?” the concerned looking receptionist asked him, her eyes wide,   
“I’m… I’m looking for a… Philip Lester…” Dan panted while trying to catch his breath,   
“Okay, just let me have a look here,” she began typing into her computer before writing something on a yellow post-it note and handing it to Dan,   
“That’s the floor, room and bed number,” she smiled to him, Dan nodded and made his way to the lift. He navigated the white, sterile walls and remembered the time he’d spend there several months ago. Maybe this was the fear and the stomach-churning that Phil had experienced, Dan thought to himself, what the hell could have happened to him?! Dan found the door he was looking for and stopped in front of the entrance, noticing the curtain circulating around the bed. He peeked through the curtains and looked at the ebony haired man, stick-thin and hooked up to a fair few things. He parted the curtain slightly and looked down at his motionless body,   
“Phil...?” he whispered, stroking his hair. He didn’t stir.   
“Excuse me, who are you?” a man’s voice spoke from behind him, Dan whipped around and glanced at the tall, handsome male standing in the doorway,   
“I-I’m Dan Howell, I’m his emergency contact,” Dan managed to spit out, the male-nurse jolted his neck slightly, indicating for Dan to come out into the hallway with him,   
“What… what happened to him?”   
“Alright then, Mr. Lester was brought in early this morning when he was found unconscious by a park bench at about 2:45am, an ambulance was called and he was admitted by 4:00am, which is when we first attempted to make contact with you. During the time he has been here, he’s had to have been administered a dose of Paracetamol and Morphine upon waking up in severe pain,” he explained, reading through the notes on the board he was carrying.   
“Is he… um, going to be okay?” Dan asked him,   
“We don’t expect there to be any delay in his recovery,” he said before turning and wandering back to the nurse’s station. Dan walked back to Phil’s side, holding his hand and taking a seat on the ugly, blue chair next to the bed. 

Beep… beep… beep… beep…   
The noise sounded red. The beeping noise sounded bright red. He wasn’t sure how he’d drawn that conclusion, maybe it was the concussion, or the headache that stabbed into his brain inconsistently at all and any angles. Perhaps it was the sporadic feeling of nausea that suddenly developed in his gut. It was probably all of those things. The air stung with the scent of ethyl-alcohol and anti-septic. Phil’s eyes blinked open slowly, protecting his retinas from the bright light threatening to penetrate his eyes and rob him of his sight. His vision was blurred and all he could see were blobs of a sterile, white colour and a strangely patterned, ocean-blue curtain surrounding him. It was the hospital. He wriggled his fingers slightly and found that his right hand was restricted by something, correction, someone. He craned his neck and before him sat the blurry and inconsistent figure of a young man with brown hair and what he hoped was a nose, not much else could really be made out. He felt a squeeze to his hand and tried to stop himself from drifting back into sleep, soon the figure was standing and Phil could feel the brown haired man’s hand stroking his forehead, and then his thumb brushing his cheek tenderly, and then he spoke.   
“Phil…” the familiar voice vibrated into his ear,   
“That’s me…” he replied blearily and unsteadily,   
“Phil, can you see me?” he spoke again, Phil tried to focus on the man’s face and within moments he could make out two large, deep, brown eyes,   
“Dan…?” Phil sure hoped it was Dan, he may have been angry with him, but he was glad that someone was there for him after whatever had happened the night before.   
“Thank god… How do you feel?” Dan asked him, kissing his cheek gently,   
“I feel betrayed, and hurt, and also like I’m going to throw up and suffer an explosion of my head,” his words were distorted and meshed together towards the end of his sentence, but Dan got the general gist of what he was saying, and he would have laughed if not for his mention of betrayal and hurt of a non-physical nature. 

“Did you sleep with her?” Phil asked without hesitation,   
“Sleep with who?” Dan asked, confused,   
“The skinny orange-haired girl that was kissing you in your bed…” Phil’s vision was more focused and slightly clearer now, he could almost make out the freckles on Dan’s fallen face,   
“I didn’t… I didn’t think that you, um, that you knew about that…” Dan faltered, “She was an old friend from high school, she was in the area and I asked if she wanted to catch up,”   
“And the best way to catch up with someone is by sticking your tongue down their throat, right?” Phil sneered,   
“Phil, she literally jumped at me and started kissing me…”   
“And then your cock just happened to ACCIDENTALLY slip into her vagina, right?”   
“Phil…”  
“Accidentally, of course.”  
“Phil! I pushed her off of me!” Dan exclaimed, trying to keep his voice low,   
“Did you?”  
“Yes! And when she didn’t like that I wasn’t interested, she started ranting about how she’d only come so that she could say she hooked up with me now that I’m a public figure!”  
“Oh…” Phil uttered quietly, “Why didn’t you say something about it?”  
“Because I was embarrassed! I was worried…” Dan began, “that maybe I had given her some kind of indication that I was interested, and I just… I’m embarrassed. I’m sorry…”   
“So I guess this is a bit of a misunderstanding?” Phil gave Dan a smile, lop-sided smile,   
“And a lack of communication on my part…” Dan admitted with a deep breath,   
“Sorry…” Phil apologised, “I think I just need to learn to trust you, and people in general, a little better.” Dan leaned down and kissed Phil on the lips, stroking his cheek with his thumb once more, Phil felt a feeling of warmth distribute itself evenly throughout his body as Dan’s lips pressed against his own. Phil felt so stupid, he felt so ridiculous, and yet at the same time he was glad. He was glad he was wrong. If he’d have gone on any longer believing that Dan didn’t really love him, that Dan had cheated on him, that Dan had betrayed him… he’d have… he didn’t know what he’d have done.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Several days passed and Phil was allowed to return home with nothing more than a box or two of painkillers as souvenirs from his stay in the hospital. Dan jumped onto Phil’s bed and Phil’s body jolted as he was forced slightly into the air. Dan laughed and jumped on top of him, his knees holding Phil’s body in place and allowing him to run his fingers through Phil’s hair, down his neck and up his jaw line until his hands were on his cheeks. Dan giggled slightly and kissed Phil’s lips, thankful that he was now home, ergo, free game. Phil let Dan run his fingers down his chest over his shirt, and lolled his head to the side so that Dan could access his neck and shower him with delicate, dainty kisses. Phil looked up at Dan and noticed the little dimples in his cheeks as he smiled back down at him,   
“You’re so gorgeous,” Phil told him, wriggling his arms free and sweeping Dan’s hair from his face,   
“No, I’m not, but you… you’re adorable,” Dan stated with another kiss. Phil sat up slightly and pulled up Dan’s t-shirt, revealing the scars and deep cuts beneath, Dan grabbed his shirt from Phil’s hands and tugged it back down again, ashamed.   
“Oh, Dan…” Phil whispered, using his hands to gently escort his face to look him in the eyes, “It’s OK,”   
“They’re hideous…” Dan whispered softly,   
“But I love you, and I’m not going to stop loving you just because of…”   
“I’m sorry,”   
“You’re doing your best, you’re not going to just stop something like that just because I tell you I love you. I know it doesn’t work like that, and I know that you’re slowly getting better,” Phil told him, wiping a tear from Dan’s cheek,   
“How do you know that?”  
“Because last time I saw them, there were so many open ones, and right now, there’s only four or five, that’s an improvement,” he said, kissing Dan’s neck.   
“Is it… is this why you don’t want to have sex with me?” Dan asked nervously,   
“Dan! No! It has nothing to do with that!”   
“Are you sure?”   
“We still having talked about that, and um, you know, it hasn’t been that long for us…”   
“Phil, it’s been months. We’ve done everything else under the sun,” Dan asserted with a laugh, glad the focus of their conversation had changed,   
“It’s just a bit scary…” Phil let out a shy laugh,   
“Lion, why is it scary?” Dan asked, bringing a real laugh out of Phil with the pet name alone,   
“Dan…” Phil began, “I’ve never had sex before.”   
“You… what?” Dan stared in disbelief,   
“I’m a virgin,” Phil confessed again. 

Dan could have sworn that at some point in their friendship or relationship they’d talked about sex and relationships. He was positive Phil had mentioned sleeping with a girl or two… or had that just been an assumption? Phil had fast fallen asleep and was laying peacefully in Dan’s arms, occasionally Dan would lean over and kiss which ever part of his face beckoned for it most, but habitually Dan was just silently breathing in the scent of Phil. He stirred slightly and let out a small sigh, Dan smiled at the way Phil snuggled into him even more. He was so happy Phil was back. He was so happy that Phil wasn’t shying away from him anymore. He was so happy Phil was there.   
“Dan?” Phil’s little voice whispered from Dan’s chest,   
“Yeah?” the younger boy whispered back,   
“You’re thinking very loudly,”   
“I’m what?” Dan whispered with a quiet giggle,   
“Shhh…” Phil shushed him, “Stop thinking and close your eyes,”   
“I haven’t slept properly in days,” Dan told him,   
“Yeah, but I’m here now, bear…” Phil whispered, slinking his hand around Dan’s waist, careful not to hurt him. Dan pressed his forehead to Phil’s and kissed his nose,   
“I love you, Philip Lester,”   
“I love you too, Daniel James Howell.” 

Dan stepped into the kitchen just in time to watch Phil throw his half eaten apple into the garbage bin, Phil jumped as he turned around and spotted Dan hovering behind him,   
“Jeez! Dan!” Phil yelled, panting with a large smile on his face, “You scared the crap out of me!”   
“Since when do you not finish your food?” Dan laughed,   
“I had a big lunch while you were out,” Phil lied and kissed Dan on the cheek, “I didn’t know you were home,”   
“I bought you something,” Dan practically sung, “it’s a…” Phil raised his eyebrow in anticipation, “You didn’t have to buy me anything,” he laughed,   
“It’s okay, it’s just a teddy bear,” Dan grinned, pulling the bear from the brown paper bag,   
“DAN! It’s the second most adorable stuffed animal on this earth!” Phil took the bear in his arms and hugged it tightly, “It’s my second favourite bear, too. Right after you,” he winked. Phil held the teddy’s paw and embraced Dan in a tight hug,   
“Are you losing weight?” Dan whispered into his ear, “I feel like you’re a lot littler,”   
“Is that bad?” Phil asked him, holding his breath,   
“No, not at all. You get more and more perfect every day…” Dan kissed him. Phil let out his breath and kissed Dan’s neck in return. Once Dan parted from him, Phil watched him wander into his bedroom to scroll through who-knows-what on the internet before departing into his own room and doing something somewhat similar. He sat down on his bed, balancing his laptop on his legs and tried to get comfortable, he flicked his browser open to all of his regular sites and just looked at the screen. He waited a brief moment before switching to the Incognito browser and typing in a single worded play on words, one that he wasn’t all too proud of, but one that he had all too recently found himself dependent on;   
Thinspiration. 

Phil heard Dan’s bedroom door open and his footsteps in the hallway,   
“Phil, do you want anything? I’m making spaghetti?” Dan called from outside his door,   
“No, thanks! I’ll eat a little later,” he called back, knowing he was lying to Dan for the umpteenth time on the matter. He couldn’t tell you what it was that ignited his habit. He couldn’t tell you why depended on the flame that was ever so slowly burning away at his life. Though, he could tell you what was fueling it. It was the ever present feeling of inadequacy. The tugging feeling inside of him, knowing that it was just so unappealing, so imperfect – and not in the quirky, cute kind of way. Dan told him he was adorable. His fans told him he was adorable. But he knew… he knew that on the inside, he was adorable. It was his personality, and it was a personality that he was proud of, but on the outside? On the outside, he’d gradually begun to notice that he wasn’t physically attractive. He had fat in places it shouldn’t be. He was gaining weight, or so he assumed, he was too scared to step on an actual scale. The second that Phil had laid eyes on the girl that had kissed Dan, he knew that the thoughts that occasionally slipped into his mind were right. She was perfect. She was beautiful. She was thin. Thinner than him, of course with the exception of her corporeal female traits. Dan would like him better if he was thinner. Over the past few weeks, the thoughts had transgressed from occasional contemplations to the primary ideologies that constantly and consistently bore its weight in the forefront of his mind. He’d scrolled through and read a lot of content, reaffirming what he already knew: he needed to change. He needed to be better, not just for himself, but for Dan. He needed Dan to look at him without being utterly disgusted. He had to lose more weight. Since this realisation, everything had stood out a lot more, comments from others, how people looked at him, how Dan touched him, how he looked in the mirror, comments online, and how other people looked… He noticed everything. He’d read that it was a mental disorder, he wasn’t stupid, he knew what was anorexia and such were, and he also knew that this was different. He was merely controlling himself. For the most part he just wasn’t hungry. It wasn’t a problem, it was a solution. He felt the heat of the laptop on his legs and shuffled his position slightly before closing the tabs. He’d had enough for today. He couldn’t stand to look in envy at the photos on the sites, it was too much. He felt sick.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Dan and Phil needed to talk, Chris and PJ decided. After a long conversation between the two of them, they came to the conclusion that they needed to make sure Dan and Phil had a conversation about all the little things that they’d neglected to tell each other, or talk about further if it had only been brought up once. Chris had invited himself and Peej over to Dan and Phil’s to confront them after weeks of the pair keeping secrets from one another and generally being quite problematic. Yes, they were concerned about them both for varying reasons, but they were annoyed too, they were annoyed by the fact that Phil was clearly all up in his head and struggling with something and that Dan just hadn’t picked up on it, they were annoyed by the fact that Dan expressed his concerns to PJ and Chris, but not Phil. They didn’t mind that they told them these things, they were just so frustrated with the fact that they weren’t addressing the problems with each other. Dan and Phil sat before the two of them with skeptic expressions plastered on their faces,   
“Is there a reason we all have serious faces on?” Phil broke the silence,   
“Yeah, actually,” PJ said, “We need to talk to you guys about some things…”   
“Okay, what’s up?” Dan asked, folding his hands in front of him on the dining room table,   
“Phil’s a virgin,” Chris blurted out, causing everyone to turn and look at him with faces asking him what the fuck he was on about,   
“What the hell, Chris?!” Phil looked completely unimpressed, PJ turn to address both Phil and Chris,   
“Wait, didn’t you and Dan… you know?” PJ asked,   
“No, they didn’t get that far, remember? Phil said that he was glad they didn’t because otherwise the falling out afterward would have been-” Chris stopped himself, “I’m not very good at this, sorry.”  
“Okay, so Phil… you’re a virgin?” PJ asked,   
“It’s not like it was anyone else’s business,” Phil shot Dan a look, “but yes,” Dan looked down, embarrassed.   
“Sorry…” Dan spoke,   
“Are we going to be revealing some of everyone’s secrets here, or is it just mine?” Phil emphasized his frustration,   
“As a matter of fact, yes,” Chris started talking again, “Dan thinks that you’re using that as an excuse not the sleep with him,”   
“Wait, what?!” PJ interrupted, “Why would they be sleeping together?!”   
“Because we’re together..?” Dan answered, “Oh my god. Neither of us told you! I’m sorry, Peej! I thought I did, and I guess I assumed Phil did too!”   
“What? So you’re actually… with the holding hands and cuddling and… so on?”  
“Yes,” Phil nodded, “Minus the ‘so on’. It’s not that I don’t want to sleep with Dan, I do,” he said, holding Dan’s hand in his own, “I’m just scared, and this is just a personal thing. We’ll work it out, it really didn’t need this much attention brought to it.”   
“I’m sorry,” Dan looked at him, “I just needed to tell someone how I was feeling about it,”   
“That’s fine, of course you’re going to need to do that,” Phil told him. 

After a short while, the conversation darted into another issue, the final issue that PJ believed needed to be addressed,   
“Dan… We know you’re still hurting yourself,” PJ breathed in response to Dan’s comment about feeling a lot better, “Phil told me.”  
“Collectively, you guys know just about everything, don’t you?” Dan said through his teeth,   
“We could write a biography if we could be bothered… and also if I would remember to fill PJ in on all the news,” Chris told him with a nod,   
“You’re struggling with mental health stuff, Dan, and that’s totally fine. We know you can’t help it, but we want to try and help you. Phil says you’re getting better, and we can see that, but you don’t need to pretend that you’re better than you are. And Phil… I know something’s going on with you,” PJ elaborated,   
“What’s going on with Phil?” Dan asked PJ before turning to Phil,   
“Nothing?” Phil answered, confused.   
“Phil, you’re just… you’re acting differently,” PJ replied,   
“Is something wrong?” Dan asked Phil. Phil leaned over and kissed Dan on the mouth,   
“Not at all, I’ve just been a little stressed, nothing to worry about.”   
“Are you sure?” Chris asked,   
“Positive.” With that the meeting was over. They had dinner together and caught up on all of the news surrounding Dan and Phil’s relationship, though Phil felt a strange lingering feeling in the back of his mind, telling him that maybe he should have said something, maybe he should have asked for help, maybe he should have just told them the truth.   
“Do you want a hot chocolate, Phil?” Dan interrupted his thoughts, “I’m getting some for everyone else?”  
“Oh, no thanks!” Phil smiled at him, Dan quickly ran his hands through Phil’s hair as he walked past and he returned to his thoughts, feeling a dark cloud looming around him, telling him it was too late to tell them now. 

Dan snuggled down into his bed after a long day, Phil had gone to bed hours ago and it drove Dan crazy knowing that he’d still be up for hours to come. His face was illuminated solely by the light of his phone as he scrolled through his Tumblr dash for what he assumed was the seven thousand, eight-hundred and forty sixth time that night. He rolled over and pressed his body against the wall of blankets and pillows that he’d built up next to him for comfort, his brain felt numb and his body felt fidgety, so he locked his phone and tossed it onto his nightstand. The room was dark and cool, he snuggled up closer to his walled lump of pillows for warmth and closed his eyes. All he could think about was the space that the darkness occupied, the space that was free for murderers, monsters and demons to lurk in. He knew it was irrational, but for some reason, the moment he was left alone in the dark, his imagination liked to play games on him. His mind suddenly stopped racing and he allowed himself to slowly drift into sleep, he could feel himself calming down and his limbs relaxing. Suddenly there was a noise from bedside his bed, it was a loud, abrupt vibration that startled every nerve in his, already hyper-vigilant, body. He let out a loud, ear-piecing scream, just an octave or so above his regular speaking voice. He sat up in a flash, his eyes darting through the blackness that was his bedroom. Within moments his bedroom door was flung open and the lights switched on, and before him stood Phil, panting,   
“Dan, what happened?!” he puffed, running to Dan’s side,   
“I um… I think my phone went off,” he breathed in and out slowly,   
“Well, that does sound quite horrific…” Phil joked, disassembling Dan’s little wall of doona and pillow,   
“I was just startled, sorry to wake you up,” Dan’s face looked pale and his eyes were wide,   
“It’s okay,” Phil turned on the fairy lights around Dan’s bed, watching Dan’s face brighten slightly as he closed Dan’s door and turned off the overhead light.   
“Did you sleep at all?” Dan asked as Phil climbed into his bed, admiring Phil’s eyes in the dim light,   
“A little, did you?” Phil shuffled himself closer to Dan, Dan shook his head. Phil ran his fingers through the back of Dan’s hair, guiding his head into the crook of his neck and kissing the side of his forehead. Dan closed his eyes, feeling safe for the first time that night as Phil’s steady breathing lulled him to sleep. 

Phil held Dan close to him, as tight as he could without suffocating him, savouring the feeling of warmth, safety and security that he hoped Dan shared too. Perhaps there’d come a time when this, all of this, happened every night. Of course, it could happen every night, but they respected each other’s privacy and the fact that sometimes they each needed a little space so that they didn’t hate each other, but maybe one day their relationship could get to the point where they’d alternate between each other’s beds every single night until they decided to share Dan’s room and convert his own into something else… maybe even a nursery… but it was too soon to be thinking about that. Dan stirred slightly in his sleep, murmuring something about not feeding the cat, Phil felt Dan’s hand clasp tightly around the sheets, bunching them up. Phil stroked Dan’s arm and kissed his bare shoulder before falling asleep. 

“Phil…” Dan whispered for the third time, Phil stirred a little before blinking a few times,   
“Hmm?” he hummed,   
“Your stomach is growling,” Dan laughed to him,   
“Oh. Sorry… What time is it?”   
“No, it’s OK, it’s about 7:32am” he smiled, “I’ll go make some breakfast?”  
“Uh, okay…” Phil agreed, admiring Dan’s messy, slightly curly hair as he kissed his forehead and wandered from the room. After about 15 minutes, Phil dragged himself from Dan’s bed and turned off the fairy lights, he stepped into the kitchen to the sight of Dan plating up some toast to accompany the cereal that already sat on the table. Dan pushed him out of the kitchen and sat him down at the table, a metallic spoon in his mouth as he placed the plates down on the table. Dan finally sat down across from him, proud of his work despite its simplicity. Phil looked down at the plate in front of him and took a bite of his toast, his eyes locking with Dan’s as he chewed and swallowed. He finished the entire meal in synchronicity with his friend, Dan stretched himself over and kissed him,   
“I love you,” Dan kissed Phil’s nose,   
“I love you too,” Phil told him with a blush. He got up and stacked Dan’s plate and bowl in his own and placed it in the kitchen sink,   
“Are you going to shower?” Phil asked Dan as he wandered back into the dining area,   
“In a bit, you go ahead,” Dan smiled, deciding to organise his next video and sort out a few ideas instead. Phil locked himself in the bathroom, placing his towel on the bench as he looked at his pale skin, wrinkling his nose and scowling at his disgusting form. His body was revolting. HE was revolting. He felt sick again, he couldn’t stomach to look at himself anymore and he didn’t understand how Dan could bare to look at him. He turned on the shower and the echo of the water resounded throughout the room. Phil reached his hand up to his face and pushed his hair from his eyes, quickly bringing his fingers to his lips. He felt his mouth water as his fingers met his gag reflex at the back of his throat for the very first time. His entire body was thrown forward as his mouth filled with more saliva, once his knees steadied, he plunged his middle and ring finger back down his throat, repeating the motion until his gag reflex kicked in. Once more, his body was thrown forward, leaning himself over the basin as his stomach emptied, allowing him to feel the relief of knowing there would be no weight gain. He wiped his mouth and looked at himself in the mirror, his eyes were sunken and dull, and his skin drained of colour. Within mere moments, his mouth filled with spit and he felt himself involuntary vomiting again. And again. Soon, there was nothing left for him to throw up, and he stood for a moment, seeing stars and regaining his balance before stepping into the shower.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/eating disorders/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

He loved him. Passionately. He had no idea what was going on until his friend was too far gone. Apparently he’d been starving himself for months. He didn’t notice. How didn’t he notice? He spent almost all of his time with him and yet, he was oblivious. He’d seen him eat. They ate together regularly, but… apparently Phil didn’t keep any of that down anyway. Dan signed the last release paper and smiled politely at nurse as he handed it back with the pen, there was a faint beeping sound followed by the loud sound of the two large doors at the end of the hallway opening, and there he was, bag in hand and being escorted by his nurse, Phil. Phil’s eyes flicked up as he walked slowly and he stopped. Dan was there. Dan was there waiting for him with a wide smile and bright eyes, Phil dropped his bag where he stood and ran into Dan’s open arms. Dan lifted Phil’s thin frame a little as he held him tightly in his embrace,   
“You came!” Phil stood in front of him,   
“How else were you going to get home?” Dan laughed, running his hand down Phil’s arm and taking his hand in his own,   
“I’m sorry you weren’t allowed to visit…” he breathed,   
“Do you want to fill me in on why?” Dan asked, picking up Phil’s bag and beginning their journey through the hospital and out to the street,   
“Every time I refused to eat, they took away a privilege for a few days,” Phil recalled, thinking back on his time in the mental health ward. He cringed that the memory of being so torn between being polite and just eating the food and not eating because he just knew he couldn’t do it. It was horrible. It was 3 weeks of pure agony, but it was worth it. By the fourth week, he could eat an entire meal without feeling sick or guilty or… or like throwing up. His mind shifted back the present and he looked to Dan,   
“So, visitors was a privilege you lost… quite a lot?” he asked, turning the corner,   
“Yep… but at least I wasn’t put in isolation like some of the other patients!” Phil smiled, “They were pretty cool people, actually, the other patients, I mean. I missed you a lot though…”   
“It’s nice to know you made friends with some of the other… um…” Dan stalled,   
“Crazy people?” Phil laughed, “It’s okay, we all made jokes like that about each other and ourselves, it made things a lot easier to be able to joke about things. It helped,”   
“That’s really great,” Dan gave him a confused smile,   
“You probably would have hated it,” Phil chuckled, “Apparently I really brightened the place up!” Dan fastened his arm around Phil’s waist and they exited the hospital through the large, automatic doors.   
“Dan, I just realized…” Phil looked up with wide, open eyes, “I haven’t uploaded for a month, no YouTube or Twitter, nothing…”   
“I updated your Twitter for you,” Dan comforted him, “I just told everyone you were sick and couldn’t upload a video for a while, and there was one about being in hospital, no specifics. Everyone’s best wishes were with you,” Dan smiled,   
“You lied to them?”  
“No, Phil, you were sick… You were getting help, and now you’re… a little better.”  
“I’m getting there,” Phil wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist, and looked at him, “How are you going?”   
“I’m okay,” Dan smiled as they climbed into the taxi, “I’m the best I’ve been for a long time, it was hard without you, but now you’re here and when we get home I have something to show you.” Phil stroked the side of Dan’s face and sat back in his seat, feeling the motion of the car as he intertwined his fingers with Phils. 

Dan pushed the front door open and lead Phil inside, dropping his bag by the door. He pushed Phil onto the couch and bent down to kiss his mouth, Phil felt the heat of Dan’s breath on his face as he pulled away,   
“Okay, so I have something to show you,” Dan smiled widely as he stood a few feet away in front of Phil, his entire face filled with a little more colour and his eyes were bright and watering,   
“What is it?” Phil asked, cocking his head to the side and imitating Dan’s smile. Dan’s breathing turned shuddery and tears started to fall from his eyes, but he was still smiling, Phil pushed himself off of the couch, wanting to take him in a strong embrace, but Dan shook his head and Phil promptly sat back down, waiting. Dan pushed the top of his jeans and underwear down below his hips slightly and grabbed the bottom of his shirt with his left hand as he pulled it off over his head and off of his body entirely, revealing his torso. They were healed over. The scars were healed over. There were no fresh cuts, no scabs, no Band-Aids, just healed wounds in the form of scars. Dan’s crying became more intense as he wept into his hands, Phil leaped from his seat and wrapped himself around him, smiling brightly and kissing Dan’s neck briefly before separating from him and holding him steady with a hand on each of Dan’s biceps,   
“You… I’m so proud of you!” Phil could feel a few tears run down his cheek,   
“Me too,” Dan almost squealed, bouncing up and down slightly, “I’ve been so excited to show you!”   
“You’re so incredible!” Phil kissed Dan through his smile, running his hands down his bare chest. Dan let out an airy moan, giving Phil an opportunity to slip his tongue into Dan’s mouth. Dan pulled his face from Phils, quickly moving closer to him again and this time, bit his Dan’s lip gently. Phil moved his lips to Dan’s neck, kissing it over and over, Dan felt the blood rush to his penis as Phil kissed down his neck and bit his shoulder. Dan grabbed Phil’s face in his hands and kissed him once more, pulling off the blue and green shirt that covered his upper body and for the first time in so long, Phil wasn’t concerned with how his body looked. Dan smiled as he looked Phil’s body,   
“Mmm… I’ve missed you,” he moaned as he flicked his tongue over Phil’s small nipple, sending shivers down his spine and causing a familiar pressure build beneath his jeans,   
“I’m going to do so many inappropriate things to you…” Phil smirked, rubbing his palm over the lump in Dan’s pants, feeling it grow harder as he cupped Dan’s bulge in his hand as he bit down on his lip once more.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil.  
> Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse.  
> *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

Phil lead the pair into Dan’s bedroom, pushing him down against the grey-scale, square pattern and kissing his chest all the way up to his lips. Dan felt Phil’s weight on him as he crawled up his body, Dan giggled as Phil looked down at him with a wide smile, Phil laughed a little and licked Dan’s nose. Dan turned his head away and laughed louder this time,   
“Phil!” he chuckled,   
“What?” Phil replied, kissing his cheek, “Don’t you like that?” his smile was cheeky now and Dan saw the playful look in his eye,   
“Oh, no…” Dan joked, struggling to turn himself away as Phil licked his ear, causing Dan to erupt in giggles again.   
“I don’t hear any complaints,” Phil whispered with a smirk, taking Dan’s earring in his mouth and flicking his tongue against it, suddenly Dan felt Phil’s tongue in his ear, goose bumps forming all over his skin and causing him to wriggle against it.   
“What the hell are you doing?” Dan giggled,   
“You love it,” Phil kissed Dan’s mouth, biting his lip,   
“I really do…” Dan sighed,   
“I don’t think I’ve seen someone smile as much as you are now in my entire life,” Phil laughed, playing with Dan’s hair. Dan felt a slight relief of pressure as Phil pulled down the zipper of his jeans and pulled them slowly down his legs before tossing them onto the floor, his grey underwear tangled inside one of the pant legs. Phil kissed Dan’s left thigh again and again, slowly making his way to his inner thigh, his hands based on Dan’s hips, his thumb grazing over the bump that was the front of his pelvic bone. Dan’s body held itself in anticipation before feeling a wet heat engulfing his hard member, he could feel the compression of Phil’s lips around the head of his cock, sliding down further as his tongue rubbed against his length. Dan let out a moan, letting himself relax into the moment, Phil stroked the inside of his thigh with his thumb as his head bobbed up and down in Dan’s lap, sucking Dan’s throbbing incline, tasting his pre-cum and yearning for more. Dan ran his fingers through Phil’s black hair as Phil continued to caress his thigh, as soon as Dan felt Phil’s lips at the base of his cock, he felt his muscles tighten indicating toward what would happen next. Phil felt the warm liquid spurt into the back of his throat before swallowing as much as he could, savoring the slightly salty taste. 

Dan laid back, feeling a strange prickly feeling throughout his muscles, relaxing. Phil picked up Dan’s arm and draped it around his own shoulder, snuggling into his body,   
“You’re getting really incredible at that…” Dan panted, Phil laughed,   
“Thanks,” he giggled, feeling Dan rubbing his crotch with the back of his hand, “What are you doing there?”   
“Um, not succeeding,” Dan admitted with a defeated laugh, “I just really enjoy feeling it against me…”   
“Oh, really?” Phil winked to him, taking off his own pants. It was a little clumsy and the two of them laughed, Dan secretly hoping he’d topple off the bed in the process. Phil’s huge cock stood before him as Phil kneeled on the bed, leaning over to kiss Dan on the mouth, his eyes focused purely on his throbbing erection. Phil’s tongue slipped into Dan’s mouth and Dan wrapped his left hand around Phil’s protruding cock and tugged gently for a moment until he felt Phil’s lips move into a grin, and then he tugged faster, up and down, until Phil whimpered loudly and Dan took the opportunity to slink his way down between Phil’s legs. He took his hard dick in his mouth and sucked profusely and mercilessly, he knew it was how Phil liked it. The second a drop of pre-cum entered his mouth, he stopped and whispered up to Phil,   
“Fuck me?”  
“What?”  
“Fuck me, Phil,” Dan whispered, chewing his bottom lip, his eyes were full of incorruptibility and wickedness at the same time. Phil nodded and Dan’s grin grew wider. Dan crawled on top of Phil and kissed him over and over until Phil pushed him off of him and rolled him onto his back, once again he was in control. This time Phil kissed him, pressing his lips roughly to Dan’s, Dan could taste himself on Phil’s lips. Dan bent his leg up slightly, giving Phil better access to himself, after a few moments, he guided the head of Phil’s cock to the rim of his ass hole,   
“Are you sure?” Phil whispered into his ear,   
“Yes, I want this… so, so badly,” Dan winked again, making Phil giggle a little. Slowly, he pushed himself into Dan, Dan closed his eyes and scrunched his face a little as he entered. Phil lightly kissed his cheek and asked if he wanted to stop, Dan shook his head. Phil pushed his length halfway in before pulling out again slightly before slowly inserting himself again. Dan let out a loud moan and practically begged for more. Phil repeated the motions again, and again, and again until Dan placed both of his hands on Phil’s face and pulled him down to kiss him, clearly he wasn’t concerned with the pain anymore,   
“Deeper…” he groaned, enjoying feeling Phil inside him. Phil plunged his entire cock into Dan, who let out the loudest gasp of sexual pleasure he’d heard in his entire life. Soon Phil heard another cry of ecstasy from Dan’s mouth and an explosion of cum splashed onto both of their stomachs. As of Phil felt the tightness of Dan’s ass around him, embracing the trigger of the hot cum that had hit his skin, Phil came inside of him within mere minutes. He stopped, panting slightly, Dan’s eyes were wide open looking up at him in surprise,   
“Oh my god…” he uttered,   
“What?” a sweaty Phil smiled, pulling out and lying next to Dan on the bed,   
“That was… it was incredible…” Dan breathed, handing Phil a tissue from the bedside table to clean himself up.   
“Good,” he whispered, biting Dan’s shoulder,   
“Bite harder, as hard as you can, I dare you,” he laughed, Phil shrugged and obeyed, sinking his teeth in and biting down as Dan’s mouth opened, making no noise. Phil released him and looked at the red teeth marks and indents in Dan’s skin,   
“That’s going to leave a mark…”  
“Good,” Dan giggled, sucking Phil’s neck,   
“Are you giving me a hickie?”   
“Mhmm…”   
“Uh, bear… Someone’s probably going to notice that,” Phil chuckled,   
“Good. Then they’ll know that you’re at least getting laid.”  
“Dan!”  
“What?”  
“It’s private…” Phil mumbled,   
“It’s private…” Dan mocked him as he took him into tight hug, cuddling him as Phil struggled to pull the duvet up over the pair of them.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of horrifying events for both he and his support, Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. *An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes) and heartache (smut).*

“Do you feel okay this morning?” Phil asked Dan as he emerged from the bathroom with wet, slightly curled hair,  
“A little sore, but you know, I’m good,” Dan smiled and leaned in, Phil wrinkled his nose with an adorable smile as Dan kissed him, leaving a few beads of water on his face.  
“Guess what,” Phil smiled, his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth,  
“What?” Dan asked, shaking his hair, the water spattering across Phil’s face,  
“Well, I WAS going to say that I love you, but after that…” Phil turned to walk into his bedroom,  
“No!” Dan played along, “I didn’t mean it, please don’t leave me!”  
“It’s too late now, Dan,” He slowly shut his bedroom door, “It’s all over.” Dan pressed his body against the closed door and made a loud, moaning sound that Phil could only compare to some kind of mythical zoo creature,  
“PHIIIIIIIIIIL,” Dan called out, “If you don’t come and love me, I’ll make bad choices, like falling in love with a bad-boy that will make my parents worry about me, and then he’ll turn out to be a vampire and I’ll have his demon baby, you don’t want that to happen, do you?!” Dan fell as the door opened and his entire body hit the floor with a loud thump. He looked up from the ground and his eyes were greeted with the sight of Phil wearing nothing but blue and white underwear, standing above him,  
“Oh…” Dan uttered, “Hello…” he smiled dubiously. 

Phil ignored Dan’s comments and stepped over him to get to the bathroom to shower, locking the door behind him. Dan rotated himself onto his hands and knees and clambered into Phil’s bed, only a few feet away from where he had fallen. He pulled the neat covers up over his body and adjusted the pillows beneath his neck, he reached over and picked up Phil’s phone, planning to just scroll through Twitter or Tumblr but instead noticed the little red notification over the text messages icon. Instinctively, his thumb tapped the icon, opening the messages app and revealing to him all of Phil’s texts. He looked through the list of messages, looking for him name; he was the second last person Phil had texted, aw. Then he saw the message above his own and stopped as he chewed on his lip,  
“Yeah, if you come over at about 6 then you could stay the night? It’s been a few months since I’ve seen you. Tell that Dan guy that you don’t remember what happened again or something?” There was no name above the message, just the unfamiliar number. Dan was shocked, who was Phil meeting? When else had they met up and when had Phil lied to him about anything? Dan locked the phone and another message popped up on the screen,  
“Phil?” it read. He left the message unopened, at least now it would look like he hadn’t seen anything. He put the phone back on the night stand and sunk into the mattress. 

“Uh. Dan?” Phil voice entered his ears from across the room, jolting Dan from his near-sleeping state,  
“Mmm…?” Dan’s throat vibrated as he cast his eyes to Phil, who stood at the end of the bed in nothing but a white towel.  
“What are you doing?” Phil asked him,  
“Bed.”  
“I see, are you alright?”  
“No.”  
“Can I come and cuddle you?” Phil enquired,  
“If you don’t, I’ll actually leave you,”  
“What’s the matter, baby bear?”  
“I’m just worried about stupid things,” Dan told him.  
“Like what?”  
“Like stuff,” Dan mumbled as Phil climbed into the bed and cuddled up to him,  
“You were okay half an hour ago?”  
“Half an hour ago I wasn’t worried,”  
“Did I do something?” Phil asked, genuinely concerned,  
“I don’t know. Did you?”  
“Dan, I don’t know what you mean…” Phil told him, stroking Dan’s hair,  
“It doesn’t matter…” Dan snuggled into Phil’s naked body, “Stay with me?”  
“Of course, I will! We’ll play Mario Kart and any other game that you want to beat me at, and we’ll eat some food and then we’ll watch Mean Girls,” Phil told him with a smile,  
“Mean Girls?”  
“I’m really feeling Tina Fey right now… But we can pick another one afterward,” he grinned with his tongue poking from his lips. Dan pulled his head from the crook of Phil’s neck and kissed him, content in the fact that Phil had essentially promised not to meet whoever he was secretly seeing. 

Phil stood in the kitchen making Dan a hot chocolate, he couldn’t fathom why Dan had suddenly switched from happy, flirty and cute, to sad, worried and adorable. He stirred it for the last time before taking it out to Dan in the living room, noticing how Dan’s entire face lit up when he entered the room. He placed it in Dan’s hands, strangely enjoying his neediness, it was cute and made him feel important. Dan made a strange whimpering noise, and Phil slipped himself next to him, put his arm around his shoulders and made an equally strange sound, causing Dan to laugh a little. Phil felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, he pulled it out with his free hand and read the text,  
“Why can’t you come? Is it Dan?”  
“I want to stay with him, he’s my boyfriend. Please stop messaging me,” Phil texted the number back, and tossed the phone on the coffee table,  
“Dan?” Phil whispered, Dan stirred slightly indicating he was listening, “I love you so much,”  
“Why? What happened?” Dan mumbled,  
“Oh, I just… I wanted you to know…”  
“What did the text say?”  
“Nothing? It was just from Chris, he said that he can’t make it tomorrow, so he’s coming over on Thursday instead,” Phil lied, making a mental note to call Chris and ask him to come a day later,  
“Ok,” Dan nodded sleepily, “I love you too.”  
“Do you think I’m cheating on you?” Phil asked him straight out,  
“Honestly?” Dan asked, sitting up and facing Phil, “I saw something that sort of makes me think that maybe you have,”  
“I didn’t know you thought so lowly of me…”  
“I didn’t know you were lying to me about where you were so that you could hang out with some guy,”  
“Excuse me?” Phil’s eyes widened,  
“You heard me,” Dan stared at him hard,  
“You’ve gone through my phone?!” Phil started to shout, “And even after you thought I cheated on you, you’ve made me stay home to cuddle with you?!”  
“Yes! To make sure you weren’t with whatever-his-name-is!”  
“There is no whatever-his-name is!” Phil yelled,  
“THEN WHO TEXTED YOU ASKING TO COME OVER AND LIE TO ME ABOUT IT?!” Dan blew up.  
“IT DOESN’T MATTER, WHAT MATTERS IS THAT I DIDN’T GO ANYWHERE AND I DIDN’T LIE TO YOU. LOOK, DAN, HERE I AM. IN THE LOUNGE ROOM. WITH YOU.” Phil screamed back, getting up and walking out the front door, “AND NOW I’M LEAVING. I’M NOT LYING TO YOU, DAN. I’M GOING OUT THE DOOR. INTO THE STREETS. ALONE.” Phil slammed the door, hearing only the muffled yelled coming from inside,  
“COME BACK WHEN YOUR ONLY BOYFRIEND IS THE ONE YOU WOKE UP WITH THIS MORNING!”


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

It’s what Phil did. Whenever there was a problem or argument, he would either ignore it or walk out to avoid fighting even further. It’s what he’d done to escape bullies as a teen in school, and he guessed that had just transferred to arguments too, they were just something he struggled with. Even if he had done nothing wrong, they made him feel guilty, and when somebody else was at fault, he felt bad about fighting because he didn’t want them to feel too bad either. This time, he knew exactly where Dan was coming from. He didn’t know why he got so defensive so fast, Dan had good reason to be concerned and Phil knew it. He also knew that he had acted irrationally, and stupidly. The only thing he didn’t know was where he was going to go now that he’d abruptly left. He stopped by a street corner, his heart beating fast in his chest, as he phone rang in his pocket. He shoved his hand in to dig out the phone, hoping it was Dan calling to tell him… well, anything. He pulled it out and looked at the number on the screen, it was the same number that had been texting him since he’d gotten his phone back when he was discharged from the hospital,   
“Yes?” Phil asked exasperatedly after answering the call,   
“Phil?” the voice on the other end of the phone began, “you’re free to talk?”  
“Aaron, I’m sorry, I’m really not up for this right now, could you just… please stop contacting me?”  
“I thought we had a good chemistry, I thought you thought so too,”  
“Well, maybe you thought wrong.” Phil stated letting in a deep breath,   
“What’s wrong? What’s going on?” Aaron asked him, hearing the shakiness in his voice,   
“…Dan and I had a fight and um…. I walked out and I have no idea what I’m doing,” Phil said slowly,   
“Where are you?” he asked,   
“At the end of the block from my place, why?” he asked, completely aware of what his answer would be,   
“Stay there, I’m coming to get you.” Aaron hung up. 

Phil stood on the street corner, leaning against the wall of the building by the curb and waited for the man that so eagerly wanted to see him, holding back his tears of stress and anxiety. A red car pulled up beside him, a man with longer brown hair and bright blue eyes sat in the driver’s seat. He motioned for Phil to get in and he opened the door, taking a seat in the passenger’s side of the car. His sad eyes looked up to the man next to him,   
“Thanks, Aaron…” Phil mumbled,   
“Are you okay?” Aaron asked, pulling out from the curb and driving down the street. Phil’s heart felt like it was going to explode and the tears he was holding back fell from his eyes like a burst dam, his breathing becoming fast,   
“Yes, I’m sorry… I don’t mean to…” Phil floundered,   
“No, you’re fine! I’m just glad you let me see you,” the brown hair man spoke, flashing him a comforting smile. Phil wiped his face on his hoodie sleeves and sat quietly until they pulled up at a house he’d only been to once before. Once inside, Phil pulled his hood off of his head and adjusted his hair slightly, Aaron laughed,   
“Oh hey, you’re tattoo’s healed well!” he traced a part of Phil’s choker tattoo with his finger,   
“Yeah, I guess it has,” Phil rotated his head, brushing off Aaron’s touch.   
“We’re friends, right?” Aaron asked, handing Phil a mug of tea and gesturing for him to join him on the lounge,   
“Yeah, I think so, why?”   
“I don’t know, it’s just that… we’ve only really gotten together once, and since then it’s all be texting and the odd phone call, and of course then you were away for a month…”  
“Yeah, I was in hospital, sorry…” Phil told him, sipping gently at his tea,   
“What? A month? Are you okay? What happened?” Aaron asked, flustered,   
“Yeah, I just… I was sick. I needed some help,” Phil said, “I’m okay now. Mostly.”  
“Do you want to talk about what happened with Dan today?”   
“He thought I was cheating on him. He saw the messages between us, and you messages to me, and obviously, he had good reason to think that, and there was that thing that one time, but I just, we… it all blew up, I walked out, and now I don’t know what to do or how to go back,”  
“I’m sorry, I should’ve been more careful…” Aaron looked down into his drink,   
“No, it’s not your fault, it’s mine. I should have, like, told him and, or, maybe, I don’t know.”  
“Phil…” Aaron whispered, taking Phil’s mug from his hand and placing it on the coffee table, before placing his arm around Phil’s shoulders and pulling him in closer,   
“I don’t know what to do, because I really screwed up. How do I go home?” Phil rubbed his eyes,   
“You can stay with me if you like? Just until you can go back?”   
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea…”  
“The option’s there for you if you change your mind, okay? I feel terrible…”   
“I’m sorry for all of this,”   
“I’m sorry for starting all of this. If I hadn’t of kissed you that night…” Aaron started,   
“Aaron, I kissed you!” Phil started to cry again, “And Dan probably hates me and… now I’m crying, I’m sorry,”   
“Stop apologizing, it’s okay…” Aaron’s bright blue eyes met Phil’s and he leaned in, planting a soft kiss on Phil’s cheek, “I’m here for you.”   
“I can’t…” Phil choked, “I love Dan, and we’re still together,”   
“Are you sure?”  
“Can we just be friends? Is that okay, or…?” Phil questioned, feeling a little worried,   
“Yeah, sure we can. I’m sorry, I’m just really attracted to you,” he laughed, “Don’t worry, we’ll chill and sort something out so that you can fix things with Dan, yeah?” Phil nodded with a smile. 

It had been over twenty-four hours since Phil had left. Dan was angry, he was hurt, and that all-too-familiar feeling of worry. When Phil disappeared like this in the past, he had a tendency to make bad decisions or to generally mess himself up, and that thought lingered in the back of his mind. Just like every other time, he’d called around to PJ, Chris, and had expended his search to other friends and yet, there was nothing. Not a single sign of him. He wondered why he even cared, he was probably with his other boyfriend and they were probably cuddled up together somewhere, laughing at him. He decided to call PJ again, he didn’t care if he’d heard anything about Phil; he just needed a friend to talk to. He pressed the green call button and waited until he picked up,   
“Hey Dan, heard anything?” PJ asked after answering the phone after two rings,   
“No, but I don’t even care right now. He’d probably with his other boyfriend,” Dan huffed,   
“Oh, Dan… I’m sorry… I wish I could do something to help,”   
“I know… But I don’t need him anyway. I don’t. In fact, just earlier I opened a jar all by myself! It hurt my hand a little, but you know what?” Dan ranted,   
“…what?” PJ dared to ask,   
“You know what, PJ?!” Dan repeated, “No pain, no gain!”  
“I can’t even tell how serious you are right now…” PJ admitted,   
“…Me neither, Peej. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…”  
“How do you know for sure he’s… you know, cheated on you?”  
“What? I, um… I don’t know. It seemed pretty obvious…” Dan said, replaying the situation over again in his mind,   
“Did he admit to it?” Peej asked,   
“Well, no, but…”   
“So is there the chance that this is just another huge misunderstanding like with that girl from your high school that Phil freaked out over?”  
“I think it’s a little different from that, but I get what you mean… I just… I really think that this person is…”  
“Look, Dan. Phil wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt you, everyone knows that. He loves you. He thinks that you’re the most incredible person on this earth. So what, he lied to you? Have you ever lied to him?” PJ attempted to set Dan straight,   
“Yes…”  
“And have you hurt him?”  
“Yes…” Dan admitted,   
“And has he forgiven you, and loved you, and taken care of you regardless of what those things were?”   
“Yes…”  
“Isn’t that what love is? Is your love for Phil not unconditional, because Phil’s love for you is the actual definition of unconditional,” PJ concluded,   
“You’re right… I’m still hurt, and confused, but you’re right,” Dan realized,   
“Of course I’m right, and of course you’re still hurt and confused. Just figure things out civilly, maybe he’s under a lot of pressure, and maybe he’s scared, and maybe the number wasn’t listed as a contact because it was just a person that’s harassing him?”  
“I don’t know…”  
“That’s right, you don’t. Just try to refrain from doing anything irrational, okay? If you need me, and I mean NEED me, like, you’re going to…” PJ trailed off, “call me, right?”   
“Right. Thank you…” Dan said, hearing PJ’s voice say goodbye as he hung up the phone. PJ was so right. He needed to get a hold of himself, he needed to sort things out with Phil, but first he had to wait for his return. If he returned.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“…and he has a little dimple in his cheek when he smiles, and when he smiles… it’s like everything in the whole world is okay,” Phil described as he sat cross legged on Aaron’s sofa,   
“So you guys are really serious?” Aaron asked, grabbing a second slice of the pizza they’d ordered for the night,   
“Yeah… He’s so special… I don’t know why he loves me, I just don’t understand why he would and I feel like now…”   
“You’re special too, Phillip,” he looked him dead in the eyes,   
“Did you… did you just call me Phillip?” Phil smiled,   
“Yeah, is that okay?”  
“Yeah,” Phil looked at Aaron, “it is. I just… after this, Dan will never want me back.”  
“Please don’t look so sad, here, have a drink,” Aaron handed his wine glass to Phil, “If Dan doesn’t want you back, he’s an idiot.” Phil took a sip of the red wine as Aaron poured another one for himself,   
“I’m an idiot…” Phil trailed off, downing the rest of the drink, Aaron looked at him with wide eyes and refilled his glass,   
“No, you’re not,”   
“No, I am. I really am. Look at me. I screwed things up with Dan. Last time I drank, I got this thing tattooed on my freaking neck,” Phil pointed to his choker tattoo, “I haven’t spoken to my mum since Christmas day, and anyone else in my family was long before then,”  
“Hey, it’s okay, we all let up on things sometimes, and we all make mistakes…” the brown haired man told him,   
“No, I don’t think you understand! My mum means the world to me! I’m wrecking things with everyone I care about!”   
“Wait, wait. What happened with your family, you never told me,”   
“I told them I was gay! No one’s spoken to me since except my mum, and I feel like I’m drifting away from her too… Everyone one is leaving me, and it’s all my own fault!” Phil gulped down a little over half of the wine in his newly refilled glass, and bit his lip to distract himself from the pain in his chest.   
“I’m sorry…” Aaron said solemnly, brushing Phil’s hair out of his eyes so that he could see them better, “but you know what? I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere, okay?” Phil nodded and opened his mouth to speak again, but was interrupted by the vibration of his phone in his pocket. He pulled it out and looked at the screen, “Incoming Call: Dan Howell”. 

Dan paced up and down the kitchen, it was a small space so it felt like he was really just walking in circles. He’d tried to call Phil a dozen times and there was no answer. It was the second night that Phil hadn’t come home, and while the night before he had felt ready to work things out, now he was just pissed off. No contact. For two days. Where the hell was he? What gave him the right to make Dan worry like this? What in the fuck made him think that his actions were okay?! Dan stopped and pulled out his phone for what felt like the gazillionth time that weekend and hit Phil’s face with his thumb, bringing up his contact page and calling him, and then it happened. He picked up.   
“…Dan?” Phil’s voice shook,   
“Phil?” Dan sounded shocked,   
“Yeah…”  
“Can you talk?” Dan asked,   
“Yeah…”  
“Okay, good. Where in the absolute fuck are you?! Where have you been?! What the hell is going on?! Were you planning on filling me in?! Huh?! Were you?!” Dan blared, “You’ve been gone for two fucking days! TWO DAYS, PHIL! Is this your way of breaking up with me?! Not coming home and leaving me to worry and wonder if I still have a boyfriend?!”   
“I’m sorry… I didn’t know… I don’t know what I’m doing…” Phil faulted,   
“Where. The fuck. Are you?!” Dan said slowly, sounding like a concerned parent.   
“I’m with my friend…”   
“The ‘friend’ you were secretly texting and shit?”   
“Well… yes, but-” Phil was cut off,   
“How could you, Phil?” Dan sounded hurt now,   
“Nothing’s happening! We’re just friends!”  
“Then why was he a secret? Why wouldn’t you tell me?!” Dan demanded.   
“Because…”  
“Because WHY?!”  
“Because we kissed. I kissed him. I was drunk, and hurt, and we weren’t together then, you and I. You didn’t love me, and I got this fucking tattoo, and then… and then we kissed. A lot. Aaron and I stayed in contact and stuff, and I told him when you and I got together… We’re friends. I told him I wanted to be just friends and he hasn’t tried anything since. Besides, I’m a grown man, Dan. I’m almost 28. I can handle myself,” Phil calmly explained. Dan was quite for a moment…  
“You said you’d only kissed me. No other guys. You said you didn’t want to kiss anyone else…”   
“I know I said that, and I meant it. I honestly didn’t remember it, at all. Aaron sent me a video of it from his phone. I’m sorry, Dan. We weren’t together, but I just… I didn’t want to hurt you,” Phil whispered into his phone, suddenly feeling a little light headed after finishing his 5th drink.   
“I understand… It’s alright, Phil. I’m sorry too…” Dan waited for a response, “Phil?”  
“What? Yeah, I’m, um, thanks,” Phil slurred,   
“Phil, you’re, um… are you okay?” Dan asked, hearing a crash in the background, “Where are you?”  
“I’m okay, I think I’ll come home.”  
“Really? How are you getting here?”  
“I think I want to go for a walk. I’m going to talk home,”   
“Okay… but Phil, just remember to-” Dan was cut off by 3 beeps indicating that Phil had hung up. 

It had been 3 hours since Phil had told Dan he was coming home and he was getting worried. Again.   
“Jesus, Phil… Where are you?” he muttered, tidying up the house as he waited. He looked at the time and it was 11pm, Dan pulled out his phone and called Phil again, but there was no answer. He tried again as he walked down the stairs and out of the flat, heading toward the street. He turned left as he walked down the pavement, Phil always turned left when he exited the building; it was a habit. His pace quickened as he walked further and further, eventually losing track of what directions he’d taken but something was urging him to keep walking through the dark. He called Phil again, noticing that it had been half an hour since his last attempt, once again there was no answer.   
“Phil, where are you?” Dan texted him, continuing his search,   
“Phil? I’m really worried…” he messaged him again, checking the time. It was midnight. He should have contacted him by now. Dan had absolutely no idea where he was or where he was going, and something in the back of his mind, probably the voice of logic and reason, told him to go home because there was no chance of finding him out there.   
“Are you okay? Phil?” he sent again, feeling the warm sensation of tears running down his face. Bad things always happened when they fought, ALWAYS. Dan looked around and noted how empty and quiet the street was, searching for a street sign, but there was none.   
“Phil? I’m scared…” he pressed send and looked up at the sky. It was so dark, clouds covered the stars and the waxing moon, and he could barely see anything when it started to rain. He pulled his jacket up over his head and kept walking in the opposite direction to where he’d come from. After a while he stopped again, trying to figure out where he was, but the rain was too hard and the night was too dark. He unlocked his phone, trying to avoid getting it wet, it was 1am. He’d been walking about London for two hours.   
“PHIL?!” he texted, minimizing the app and calling Chris in hopes that he was still awake. 

“Dan, what are you doing out here? When you said to come and get you from this street corner, I figured you were at a party or something and couldn’t get home,” Chris questioned Dan as he slid into the car, “Are you crying? Jesus… What the hell is going on?”  
“Chris… Phil and I had a fight, and I haven’t seen him in two days and I called him and he finally answered and we talked things out… Everything was going to be okay, Chris!” Dan freaked out,   
“Okay, so why have you been out in the rain, in the middle of the night, in an unfamiliar suburb for hours?”  
“Because Phil said he was coming home… He should have been home at 9 at the latest! It’s almost 2am and he’s still not picking up! He didn’t come home, so I went out to look for him, and I don’t know where he is, so I just kept going and going and I couldn’t find him and I don’t know what to, Chris!”  
“Okay, okay… Just take a deep breath, okay?” Chris said, adjusting the speed of the windshield wipers, Dan breathed in and choked on his tears a little like a child.   
“Where was he, Dan?” Chris asked after a few moment,   
“He was with another guy. It’s why we were fighting. I thought… I thought was cheating on me. His name’s Aaron, I think,”   
“Why would you think that?”   
“He was secretly texting and calling him and… they kissed. I mean, it was after I messed around with him and before we got together, but he said… he said they kissed A LOT, and we both know that means more than just kissing, Chris!” Dan sobbed,   
“Then why was he there today?” Chris asked him, genuinely curious,   
“He went to stay with him when Phil walked out on me during the argument… I think he’d been drinking. He didn’t sound normal,” Dan whimpered.   
“We’re going to take you home, alright?” Dan nodded, smearing the tears from his face like they were the rain drops being wiped from the windshield.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“He was definitely drunk, Chris,” Dan fumbled with his empty glass as the two of them sat in the flat,  
“Stop thinking about it, okay? Maybe he fell asleep there,” Chris tried to comfort Dan,  
“He said he wanted to walk home, and then he said he wanted to TALK home. What does that even mean?!”  
“It means that he made a little bit to drink and started getting a little weird,”  
“I’m still so angry with him… How dare he make me worry even more?!” Dan spat out,  
“Yeah…”  
“I mean, I thought he’d just come home and I could be passive aggressive for a little while after we talked things out and then forbid him from seeing this Aaron guy and then everything would be okay!”  
“Could you really forbid him from seeing anyone? Realistically, I mean?” Chris asked, carefully removing the empty glass from Dan’s hands before he smashed it on the ground or something,  
“Yes, because if he loved me, he’d want me to be happy, and if he’s still seeing Aaron, then I’m not happy,”  
“Do you think that maybe that’s exactly why he kept Aaron a secret from you? Because he knew you’d be jealous like this even though anything that happened was BEFORE you realized how you felt about him?”  
“What if Phil loves him more than me and leaves me for him?” Dan whimpered pathetically,  
“Then so be it. Phil loves you, you know that. He has sacrificed so much to be with you, you know?” Chris told him,  
“What do you mean?” Dan wondered,  
“He didn’t tell you?” Chris asked, Dan shook his head, “Dan… about 4 days before Christmas, Phil’s dad told him that if he broke it off with you, he could go home for Christmas and still be, well, included as part of the family…”  
“What?” Dan stared open mouthed in disbelief,  
“He chose you over his family, and you know how much he loves his family!”  
“Why didn’t he tell me?” Dan looked down into his lap,  
“He probably didn’t want you to feel bad, or to do something like break up with him so he had to be with his family, you know?” Chris said, wrapping his arm around Dan. Dan leaned into him and closed his eyes, he was so tired. He was glad he’d called Chris, he was sort of like an older brother that actually gave good advice from time-to-time. Within 10 minutes, the two of them were asleep, cuddled up together on the lounge, Chris’s arms around Dan and Dan’s hands placed gently on Chris’s rib cage and waist, their feet intertwining as they hung off the edge of the sofa. 

Phil’s mouth felt like it had been stuffed with cotton balls, his brain pounded against his skull harder than a truck accelerating into a building, followed by the rest of the convoy. He rubbed his eyes as they adjusted to the light that burned his retinas, and then it hit him. It hit him like a truck. Panic set in and he shot up, pulling himself away from the naked man lying beside him and ignoring the pain that pulsated through his head as he did so. He remembered everything, and oh, how he wished he didn’t… He looked up to the mirror across from Aaron’s bed and saw the left side of himself, his left eyes was sunken and bloodshot, his hair was a mess atop his head and from what he could see, he was completely naked. His breathing became shallow and fast, he felt tears build up behind his eyes and he felt hot, and dizzy. “This isn’t the time for this, Phil!” his voice echoed through his mind, he ignored the panic and embraced the rush of adrenalin as he quietly slipped from the bed and found his clothes strewn across the floor. He stepped into his pants as fast as he could, tripping and falling into a heap on the floor with a slight thump. He looked up from where he fell and saw Aaron still asleep in the bed. He threw his purple T-shirt on over his torso and stood up, surveying the room for anything else he may have left behind, spotting Aaron’s phone on the floor by his own clothes. He stepped over the pile of clothes and picked up the phone to unlock it. There was a passcode. He tried 1, 2, 3, 4, obviously to no avail, and then tried his own name in hopes that maybe that would be it. Wrong again, thankfully. He typed in 4 characters as a final attempt, A, R, O, N. It unlocked! Phil paused a moment, silently berating the somewhat narcissistic passcode. He scrolled through Aaron’s contacts until he found his own and deleted his name and number, along with the string of calls and messages between them before tossing it back onto the floor and almost running to the front door of the house. He quickly bent down and grabbed his socks and shoes as he ran out of the front door barefoot, and into the outdoors, running as fast as he could to get as far from there as possible. His lungs burned as the birds chirped in the surrounding trees, he could feel the panic arising once more and the throbbing of his brain becoming unbearable. He stopped and felt the light-headedness kick in as his body involuntarily instigated the hyperventilation that ended him up sitting under a tree and holding his knees close to his chest. His eyes stung as he cried to himself, squirming at the memories from the night before. They were disgusting, vivid, and he couldn’t turn them off.

Dan felt a ricochet of pain through his spine and ribs as he woke up on the floor, mere milliseconds after tumbling off of the couch where Chris was still asleep. He looked at Chris’s sleeping face and the anxiety came creeping back through him, like a vine climbing from his feet to his head. He shoved his hand underneath Chris, in search for his phone, waking him up in the process. Chris blinked a few times, watching Dan scroll through his phone before letting out a loud, frustrated yell as there was still no contact from Phil. Chris sat up and Dan sat down next to him, fidgeting and bouncing his leg up and down, Chris wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist and pulled him in closer for comfort. Dan looked up at him with a confused expression,  
“What are you doing?” Dan asked, not mad or anything, just a little muddled,  
“I’m not sure… This is what people do to comfort their friends, right?” he exhaled through his nostrils like a silent laugh,  
“Yeah, but not you, or us, at least” Dan laughed a little, forgetting to be anxious for a moment, “thanks though,” he leaned into him,  
“I do this whole hugging and comforting thing sometimes,” he laughed again,  
“Really, with who?” Dan chuckled, thankful for the distraction,  
“You know, with like… people…”  
“You don’t really have many friends, do you?”  
Ah… no. Not at all. Just you, Phil and Peej, mostly. Which is a little sad, but oh well,”  
“So this is how you comfort Peej, then? Because I KNOW that you wouldn’t dare get this close to my Phil,” Dan joked,  
“Pretty much,” Chris stuck his tongue out at him, “Speaking of Phil, do you mind if I try to call him?”  
“Why you?”  
“Because you need to have a hot shower, you were walking around in the middle of the night, in the cold rain. Just go shower do you don’t get sick or something,” Dan gave in with a shrug and leaned in close to Chris’s ear,  
“Do you want to join me?” he whispered seductively with a wink. Chris looked at him, bemused,  
“Go. Now. Or I’ll tell Phil that I really did go in with you, and that you touched me in places that I’d never been touched before,” Chris raised his eyebrows. Dan nodded with a smirk and dragged himself into the bathroom.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

Phil finished putting his shoes on, rubbed his eyes and thought for a moment, just a single moment, that it was over and the crying had stopped, but within mere seconds he was once again inconsolable. A couple of joggers had jogged past him and given him strange looks since he’d planted himself there in the unfamiliar park. There was a sudden vibration in his back pocket, causing him to jump slightly, he pulled it from his pocket, adjusting his position slightly,   
“Hello? Dan?” Phil’s low voice spoke,   
“Phil? It’s Chris, where are you?”  
“I um, I don’t know. A park? Where’s Dan?” he asked, flustered,   
“He’s in the shower. He went out looking for you last night and got caught in the rain, so I stayed with him to wait for you,”   
“No… why would he do that?! Is he okay? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to cause all this trouble!” Phil tasted his tears in his mouth.   
“He was freaking out, but are you okay?” Chris asked him,   
“I’m, I’m fine.”  
“You don’t sound fine…”  
“I’m not okay, Chris,” Phil admitted, “I’m not okay,” he cried into the phone, looking around and praying that nobody could hear or see him,   
“What’s going on?” Chris was worried, this didn’t sound like Phil at all,   
“Nothing, I ran… I’m going to, um, get a taxi, okay?”  
“How long will you be?” Chris asked,   
“Maybe half an hour? I have no idea…” Phil said, “I’ll see you soon.” Chris heard Phil hang up and put Dan’s phone on charge in his bedroom before coming back out and into the kitchen. He made some toast for himself, Dan and Phil while the kettle boiled. Dan wandered out to the table and saw it set for three,   
“Did you… did you speak to Phil?” Dan’s voice shook,   
“Yes, I did. He’s on his way home and should be here in about 5 minutes, okay?” Chris explained, handing Dan a cup of coffee. Dan sat down across from Chris and rested his elbows on the table, using his hands to hold up his head, the toaster popped and Chris stood to get the final batch of toast. The flat was quiet and eerie for a moment, and then Dan heard keys. He pushed himself from the chair, flinging it back and onto the floor and bolted for the door, Chris heard the loud crash of the chair and practically threw the plate of toast onto the table and followed the blur that was Dan, stopping at the top of the stairs as Dan continued to the door, stopping just before the bottom step as the door slowly opened, and there stood Phil. 

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s thin frame the second the door was open, he pulled himself back and took a moment to study his face. His hair was a mess that looked as though Phil had attempted to fix, his face was flushed and his eyes sunken, his right eye encased by a large ring of purple and black. He was bruised. Dan looked down at Phil’s body, his shirt was wrinkled and half untucked, and he could see another bruise emerging from beneath the sleeve of his shirt. Dan stopped. He had a million questions; where had he been? What happened? Why was he bruised? Why didn’t he answer him?  
“Are you okay?” Dan’s voice sounded timid and scared, Phil nodded and stepped inside, closing the door. He walked up the stairs, past Dan and past Chris and into the bathroom, locking the door. He looked at his face, noticing his black eye for the first time, it explained a lot. He took off his shirt and saw another bruise on his arm, and on the left side of his ribcage. He stripped off and got in the shower, he felt so dirty and horrible. He knew Dan would have a million questions for him, and he just didn’t know what answers to give. He couldn’t lie to him anymore, but he couldn’t tell him the truth. If Phil told Dan, or anyone else, the truth, he’d have to face it. He’d have to accept what happened and spend the rest of his life with that truth. Maybe, he thought, if he didn’t tell anyone, it would be as if it hadn’t even happened…

Chris had gone home. He’d hugged Dan, wished him the best and told him to give Phil his best before taking himself home. Dan sat on Phil’s bed, waiting for him to get out of the shower, fumbling with Phil’s Lion. Phil had probably missed his Lion. Phil entered the room in nothing but his towel and stood awkwardly in silence for a moment,   
“Can I just have a moment to get dressed?” Phil asked. Dan stood up and nodded,   
“Oh! Yeah, of course, sorry!” and took himself out into the hallway. After a few minutes of twiddling his thumbs, Phil opened the door, inviting him in,   
“I um, I was going to come home last night. I had a bit to drink, and I fell asleep in the lounge room at…” Phil tried to explain,   
“Aarons?” Dan finished,   
“Yeah. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking straight and I know that’s not an excuse, but I’m very sorry, okay?” Phil said, holding the straight face he’d bared since coming home,   
“I was really worried…” Dan confessed, “and angry. I’m so angry. I hate that you went to him. I hate it, Phil,”   
“I know… It wasn’t what I’d planned to do, but he came and got me and it just ended up that way,”  
“So, um… you guys kissed that night? The night of the tattoo?” Dan hesitated, scratching his nose.   
“Yeah, apparently,” Phil said plainly,   
“Phil, what’s going on? You’re not acting like yourself,” Dan stated, looking Phil in the eyes, “You have bruises, and you… you’re not okay,”   
“I really love you, Dan. With all my heart, I really do…” Phil’s face changed to that of grief and pain,   
“But..?” Dan sighed,   
“There is no but. Not that kind of but, at least. I do love you, with my whole heart, and I cherish you, Dan,”   
“What has that go to do with your bruises?”  
“I don’t want to lie to you, I can’t do that, but I can’t tell you the truth right now either,” Phil said, noticing Dan’s face fall.   
“You kissed him again, didn’t you?” Dan sighed, looking down at Phil’s bedspread. Phil gently ran his index and middle finger down the side of Dan’s face until they were sitting softly under his chin, he lifted his face up so that his sore, reddened, blue eyes would meet with Dan’s sad, soft, brown ones,   
“I didn’t kiss him,” Phil said sternly, nodding slightly to ingrain the message in his head. Phil slowly leaned in, tilting his head, his two fingers holding Dan’s face still, and tenderly pecked Dan’s lips. 

Dan smiled a little smile and Phil ran his thumb over his little dimple,   
“I’m still upset at you,” Dan breathed, leaning in again and violently kissing him, slipping his tongue into Phil’s mouth and grabbing Phil’s shirt, pulling him closer. Phil felt Dan bite down on his bottom lip, dragging his teeth until they no longer gripped his lip. Phil heard Dan’s breathing deepen,   
“Dan…” Phil whispered between kisses, Dan just let out a low moan, “What are..?”   
“Shhh…” Dan let out, pulling Phil even closer and running his hand up and down his thigh.   
“What are you do…?” he tried again,   
“Phil, shut up,” Dan’s hoarse voice demanded, and Phil felt Dan’s hand travel down to his lower back as Dan continued to kiss him, tasting his flesh and moaning deeply. Suddenly Dan pushed Phil onto his back and leaned over him, kissing his neck and flicking his ear with his tongue, while grinding against him roughly.   
“You’re really turned on by this, aren’t you?” Dan’s harsh voice spoke as Phil let out a quiet moan, and let Dan continue kissing his neck. Dan pulled his own shirt off of his body and slid his hands under Phil’s top, running his cold hands down Phil’s skin, and soon Dan removed his shirt too. Phil felt the weight of Dan on top of him, straddling him, feeling the hardness between his legs pressing against Dan’s,   
“Dan, stop…” Phil’s voice became shaky as Dan’s hands began to unzip Phil’s jeans, “Dan, please…” Phil struggled against Dan and turned his head to the side, squeezing his eyes shut and continuing to whisper for Dan to stop.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“Okay, okay,” Dan assured Phil quickly, “I’m sorry,” he said, stopping everything he was doing and moving to sit on his knees beside him, “Are you alright? What’s the matter?”  
“No, it’s nothing, sorry,” Phil sat up, hugging a stray pillow to cover his bare torso, Dan shook his head,   
“You’ve never flinched like that, I’ve never seen you look like that before. That wasn’t you,”   
“I just don’t feel comfortable with… that, not right now. My head hurts and I feel gross and, I just don’t want to,” Phil spurted, trying to convince himself more so than Dan,   
“That’s okay,” Dan told him, running his fingers gently up and down Phil’s arm, “I’m sorry… Does this have anything to do with those bruises?”  
“No, Dan, it’s not… Don’t be sorry!” Phil told him, “It’s not you!”  
“I was a little forceful...”  
“I liked that…” Phil admitted, biting his lip and making himself look completely sexy,   
“Did you?” Dan smirked,   
“I like when you get like that, but you… today I’m just not…”  
“Don’t worry about it, okay? I like taking control, so you know I’ll be doing it again,” he wrapped his arm around Phil and pulled him closer to him sweetly, and kissing his black eye.   
“Are you doing to yell at me now?” Phil asked, sounding tired and utterly innocent,   
“No,” Dan whispered in his ear, “I’m upset, but I love you, and you need me now,”   
“I know I shouldn’t have gone with him, Dan…” Phil told him, “Trust me, I wish I never had…” Dan looked at him and saw his eyes watering slightly as he turned away,   
“Phil, I want you to tell me the truth, okay?”  
“Okay…”   
“Did Aaron do this to you? The bruises I mean,” Dan asked him, placing his free hand on Phil’s leg,   
“Um, I don’t know. I fell over a few times, I was very drunk and um… not sober. They could have happened then, or…”  
“Or when, Phil?”  
“Or when he hit me,” Phil shrugged, “But he was probably having a bad day, and I provoked him,”   
“Fucking hell, Phil…” Dan looked into his deep, piercing, blue eyes, “That’s not okay.”

Dan was angry. He was angry with himself, he was angry at Phil, and he was angry at Aaron. He was angry that Phil had gone to see Aaron, and he was angry that Aaron had fucking dared to touch Phil in any manner that left such bruises. He was just angry. All he wanted to do was curl up with Phil and love him, support him and make him feel okay, but at the same time he wanted none of that. He resented Phil’s actions. Phil had been quiet for two days, lying flat on his bed just thinking. Dan had gone about his days, pretending he wasn’t affected by Phil’s lack of presence throughout the flat. Phil was a sweetheart, he was the single most incredible, lovely and wonderful person that Dan had ever known. He was like sunshine, and Dan just could not comprehend why Phil was being so distant. Yes, of course he’d be affected by having someone, someone he thought was his friend, hit him hard enough to leave parts of his skin black and blue, but he thought that maybe Phil would want to talk to him and cuddle up to him too. He gently tapped on Phil’s door three times before slowly opening it and popping his head around the corner before stepping in completely,   
“Phil, can I come in?” Dan’s voice was quiet and calming, Phil mumbled something that sounded like a yes and Dan walked over to the bed and took a seat on the edge.   
“I miss you,” Dan said, placing his hand on top of Phils, “And I love you,”   
“I love you too,” Phil breathed,   
“That’s good,” Dan joked, “How are you going?”  
“I’m good,” Phil lied, “and I’ll be fine.”  
“Baby… you’re not okay. You haven’t talked to your house plants in days, they miss you. My cereal box is completely full, and it misses you too. You haven’t eaten anything at all since you came home. You know why that worries me, Phil. I’m scared,” Dan told him, stroking Phil’s hand with his thumb,   
“I miss my plants too…” Phil whimpered, “I’m sorry for worrying you, I don’t mean to…”   
“Will you come with me and eat some dinner?”   
“I don’t want to…”   
“Please, Phil,” Dan’s heart lurched in his chest, he felt nauseous,   
“No, bear… I’m not hungry,” Phil looked up to Dan just as Dan stood up and ran faster than he’d ever seen him run before, out of the room. Phil sat up, concerned and confused and peeled himself from the bed, following Dan, whom was now leaning over the bathroom sink, retching. 

An empty pizza box sat on the coffee table as Phil’s arm wrapped sat wrapped around Dan’s waist and his head rested comfortably on Dan’s shoulder. Dan’s anxiety had subsided, Phil had finally eaten and after violently throwing up a couple of times, he felt better. Phil didn’t want to eat but he’d felt guilty that his moping had caused such a physical reaction from Dan, so he ate a slice of the pizza Dan had ordered. After a single slice, his appetite had almost completely returned and he’d ended up eating half of the pizza. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to just cuddle up with Dan and relax into one another, it was nice and he felt safe. He hadn’t felt safe in a while. It still sat in the back of Phil’s mind, the burden of knowing that Dan was still upset at him and could confront him again at any time, but he hadn’t. He knew Dan hadn’t forgiven him, and he knew it was still affecting him, but Phil had assumed that because of what Dan thought Aaron had done to him, he was refraining from bringing it up,   
“Hey, Phil,” Dan’s voice spoke. Here it came, the conversation about Aaron, Phil prepared himself, quickly thinking of another lie to tell him and readying himself to apologise once more,   
“Yeah?” he queried, feeling his stomach tie in knots,   
“How are things with your family?” Dan asked him,   
“What?” Phil asked, confused as hell, but also slightly relieved.   
“Have you spoken to any of them?”   
“Not for a while, no?” Phil told him,   
“Can I ask you something?”  
“Of course,”   
Did your dad, and your family, tell you that if you broke up with me, you could go home for Christmas and…” Dan trailed off,   
“Yeah, that’s what happened,” Phil nodded, “I think we both know what happened there,”  
“You chose me over your family?”  
“Well, yeah…”  
“But you love your family. You mum is your favourite person on this earth, and your family is so important to you!”  
“But you’re important to me too, and I love you… I couldn’t live without you in my life the way you are now,” Phil confessed to Dan, “You’re the most important person in my life, and yes, of course my mum means the world to me, but so do you.”   
“But they’re your FAMILY, Phil!” Dan shouted to him, gripping his shoulders,   
“YOU’RE my family, bear!” Phil shouted back,   
“I can’t believe I thought you cheated on me…” Dan started to apologise, “You chose ME over your family, and that’s just… that’s… incredible,”   
“Don’t worry about it, okay? You’re perfectly entitled to still be mad and confused,”  
“Stop being so nice! Just… just wait a minute, Phillip,”   
“You… you called me… Phillip?” Phil hesitated and Dan saw his eyes suddenly become dull and empty.   
“Oh, yeah… I guess I did. What are… ah, are you okay?” Dan struggled to string the words together,   
“Nothing, don’t worry,” Phil blinked a few times and moved his head a few times as though he was trying to… Dan didn’t know what he was trying to do. It was weird, and confronting and he felt uncomfortable,   
“Phil?” Dan put his hand on his shoulder, “Phil? Look at me,” he demanded, “PHIL! Look at me, okay?” Phil looked up into Dan’s eyes, “What the hell is going on, Phil?”  
“You’re saying my name a lot,”   
“Yes, I am, because otherwise you won’t hear me,”   
“I’m okay. I’m sorry,” Phil blinked a few times again, Dan didn’t believe him, but he dropped it, sensing that Phil wasn’t okay to talk about it any further.


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“C’mon, Phil…” the deep voice echoed through Phil’s mind before he quickly shook his head and presented a false smile to the camera,   
“Sorry, guys! I just kind of trailed off there,” he Laughed, reading through the chat, “No, Lestergirl47, I was not day dreaming about world domination. Not this time.” Phil read through a few more comments before wishing farewell to all of his viewers and logging off. Dan, hearing Phil yell out good byes for roughly a minute straight, assumed Phil had finished his YouNow broadcast and entered the bedroom, plopping himself down on his bed,   
“All good?” Dan chimed, inviting Phil to come and lay next to him,   
“Yep,” he lied, sliding himself up the bed and into Dan’s awaiting arms,   
“Good, the make-up on your eye looks good too, you’d never know there was any bruising. Oh, and guess what,” Dan smiled, looking Phil in the eyes,   
“What?”   
“I’ve realized how stupid I was being about this whole Aaron thing, it was so ridiculous of me to think you would cheat on me, Phil. I trust you whole-heartedly and you’ve never given me a reason not to before now, so I don’t know why I jumped to all those conclusions. I was jealous and sometimes I think I just need to remind myself that you were my best friend before… all of this. We’re more than friends, and we’re more than boyfriends, you know? I trust you, and I’m sorry for ever doubting you,” Dan spieled, rubbing his hand on Phil’s leg comfortingly. Phil was silent for a moment before responding,   
“I love you so much, Dan…” Phil said, he voice sounding a little abnormal.   
“I feel so stupid for thinking you’d have fooled around with this guy,” Dan shook his head to himself and looked up at Phil, catching Phil biting his lip and looking down at Dan’s hand, “…Phil?”   
“I’m sorry…” Phil whispered, his eyes watering.   
“What are you… what are you sorry about?” Dan maneuvered his face to see Phil’s despite his best efforts to face away from him,   
“I’m so, so sorry, Dan…” Phil felt his heart break in his chest as Dan’s facial expression completely changed,   
“Did you- did you…?” Dan struggled, swallowing the saliva in his mouth. Phil’s watering eyes let out a stream of tears and Dan recoiled from the man that just moments ago he had held the utmost respect for, “You slept with him, didn’t you? You actually slept with him!”   
“Dan, I…” Phil trailed off, he didn’t know what to say as Dan’s lower lip started to quiver and tears ran down his cheek. Dan stood up, towering over Phil, his hand gently resting upon his chest and he continued to slowly shake his head in disbelief.   
“I really am stupid… I thought that… I thought that you loved me, and I trusted you, and you… you…” Dan fought to expel the words before erupting in rage, “Did you fuck him?!” Phil sat in silence, sobbing and trying to find the words to help the situation, “No, of course you didn’t. You let him fuck you, didn’t you?! Is that why you didn’t want me the other day, because you’d just been with him?! I would say ‘fuck you’, Phil, but you know what? I don’t know why anyone would want to. You’re disgusting. You’re pathetic. How could you do that to me? To your BEST FRIEND, PHIL?!” Dan screamed picked up a pillow and pegging it at Phil before turning and leaving the room in angered silence. 

Dan slammed the bathroom door, locking it and throwing his body against the door, back first. He slid down onto the tiles and just screamed. It was too much. He wanted to tear off his own flesh, or jump off the balcony and feel each one of his bones break as he hit the pavement. He could feel the nausea in his stomach growing more and more intense, he could feel the blood rushing through his ears as he felt his body temperature rise. Phil was a pathetic excuse for a disappointment, Dan thought, his stubby nails attempting the break the skin of his wrists to no avail. They were itchy and demanding to be reopened, the healed scars of his wrists commanded his attention. Dan slammed the back of his head against the bathroom door in frustration, triggering the headache that had been threatening his brain. As he felt the saliva in his mouth and familiar feeling of sickness rise through him, he slinked over to the toilet and violently through up, emptying the contents of his stomach into the white, porcelain bowl.   
“Dan, are you okay?” Phil’s worried, just timid, voice piped through the door,   
“Get fucked, Phil,” Dan managed between gags,   
“Can we talk?” he tried,   
“We just did. Your silence said a hell of a lot more than any words could say,”   
“It’s not what you think, Dan…” Phil felt the hot tears emerge again,   
“What happened then, Phil? Enlighten me,” Dan’s sarcastic voice came through the door.   
“I uh… he…” Phil stuttered from outside as Dan flushed the toilet and moved to the sink to wash his face,   
“He just slipped and ACCIDENTALLY inserted himself into you over, and over and over?!”   
“Well, it wasn’t like that either…” Phil’s voice was breaking,   
“So, what happened, then? He got on top of you and kissed you the way, I do? And then he took all your clothes off, but it obviously wasn’t anything pornographic, and suddenly you were both naked and he was inside you?!” Dan roared, staring down the door, knowing that Phil stood on just the other side.   
“Yes, Dan…” Phil’s voice spoke,   
“You’re fucking pathetic. In what way would that be ‘not what I think’, Phil?”   
“Because…”  
“Because why?! Because you were drunk? Because you were horny and he was the closest person to you?! Fucking explain it to me, Phil, because I don’t fucking understand! I don’t understand how that’s something that could just fucking happen! Stop lying to me, Phil! You let him fuck you! You had sex with someone else! Just fucking own up to it!” Dan screamed in a blinded fury. 

There was silence for a moment that was promptly followed by the sound of the balcony door sliding open and closing again.   
“Phil?” Dan was suddenly quiet and could hear the blood rushing through his ears. He slowly opened the bathroom door and Phil was gone. Dan walked toward the balcony, preparing to yell at him some more, until he saw the outside furniture stacked horizontally from the wall outside to underneath the door handle. Dan ran to the door, his gaze falling on the back of Phil’s dark blue, checkered shirt, as his hands gripped the rail so tightly that his knuckles were white. Dan tried to force the door open against the strategically placed furniture, but the door wouldn’t open more than an inch,   
“…Phil?” Dan uttered,   
“I didn’t… I didn’t mean…” Phil tried to explain as he leaned over the edge of the railing, looking down at the street below and trying to figure out how to get onto the other side of railing.   
“Yes! Yes! You didn’t mean to, I know that. You’re okay, Phil.” Dan tried to speak calmly, but he felt himself trembling, “Phil… do you… do you want to move the table? Maybe one of the chairs too?”   
“It’s different, Dan…” Phil’s low voice uttered, sounding shaken,   
“What’s different? What’s different, Phil?”  
“It’s not what you think…”   
“Okay, it’s not what I thought. I know that now, I believe you, okay? Can you- can you move the table so that I can come out?” Dan hoped Phil would step away from the railing, turn around, look at him, anything. Without any warning whatsoever, Phil’s hands slipped off of the railing and his body fell onto the floor of the balcony, leaving him in a crumpled and crying heap,   
“I didn’t want to, Dan!” Phil cried out, hugging his knees and moving himself to set his back up against the wall.   
“I know, I know… It’s okay…” Dan tried to reassure him,   
“No, you don’t know! I tried to stop him, and… and…”   
“He forced you?” Dan whispered, looking down at his own feet and remembering what he’d said to Phil just minutes before.   
“I begged him to stop…” Phil whimpered,   
“And then he hurt you…” Dan said quietly, “Phil, I need you to move the table, okay?”   
“Why?! Why does it matter?!”   
“Because I want to come out and be with you, is that alright?” Dan spoke cautiously, “We’ll sort this out, okay?”   
“No, you don’t… I’m disgusting, and pathetic…”   
“I didn’t mean it!” Dan screamed through the gap in the door, “I didn’t mean any of that, Phil… I was wrong, I was so wrong!”


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“Please, Phil,” Dan shook, “Please…” his sight became blurred as the words seeped from his lips,   
“I’m so sorry, Dan…” Phil stood and loomed over the railing of the balcony, gripping it tightly and feeling his body quake, “I should have… done more…”  
“It wasn’t your fault, Phil…”  
“No, you were right. I shouldn’t have gone with him, I shouldn’t have been drinking, and I let him fuck me…. I just… I’m disgusting, I brought it all on myself. I was asking for it,” Dan heard Phil’s voice drift,   
“No, Phil… I thought… I thought wrong. You’re not pathetic, you’re incredible. You’re not disgusting, you’re… you’re the only thing I ever think about. Please, Phil… I need you to just come away from the edge, okay? Just take a deep breath in and take a step back. I don’t think you’re thinking straight…” Phil shuffled back from the railing and lifted his head. His eyes met Dan’s, equally as teary as his own and he turned completely away from the edge. He wiped his face on his sleeve and took in a breath of fresh air, and suddenly he realized where he was. He looked over the balcony once again and turned to move the table to the side, allowing the door to be slid open again. Dan quickly pushed the door open as fast and as hard as he could, flinging himself out of the door and onto the balcony, wrapping his arms around Phil as tightly as he could. Phil hesitated before reciprocating the hug and running his hands through Dan’s hair,   
“Phil,” Dan breathed into his ear, “I’m so sorry… I had no idea…”   
“I’m sorry…” Phil murmured,   
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Dan pulled himself from Phil to look into his eyes, “I was wrong, and I said some horrible things that aren’t true, okay? You’re the most wonderful human being I’ve ever met, you know that, don’t you?” Dan wiped the few stray tears that continued to fall from Phil’s face with his thumb.   
“I wish I was dead…” Phil whispered,   
“No, you don’t… No, you don’t, Lion…” Dan stroked Phil’s hair, “I’m so sorry,”   
“I would have done it,” Phil told him, “I almost…”   
“I love you so much,” Dan shook his head as he pulled Phil in again as tightly as he could, “I didn’t know what he did to you, and I’m so sorry for all of the things I said…”   
“I should have told you…”   
“It’s okay,” Dan shook his head,   
“You don’t hate me?” Phil asked, fixing his fringe,   
“No. No, no, no, no, no.” Dan kissed Phil’s cheek, “You’re like my sunshine, you changed my life, do you remember? You’re the reason I’m standing here right now, and you’re the reason I’m who I am today,”   
“I’m also the reason you’re crying right now,” Phil reminded him,   
“And also the reason why I want to cuddle up in bed with a man,” Dan smirked, kissing Phil’s nose, “Promise me you’ll never scare me like that again, because it was the scariest moment of my entire existence,” Phil nodded and slipped his hand behind Dan’s head and pulled him into a shallow kiss. 

Phil sat cross-legged on Dan’s bed, his feet covered by cute patterned socks and sipped at the coffee that Dan had made him. He felt the vibration of Dan’s phone beside him and picked it up, reading the text message from Chris stating that he and PJ would be over soon. After Dan had gotten Phil inside, he’d called Peej and told them there was an incident with Phil and the balcony, telling them that they’d fill them bother in when they got there, with Phil’s permission of course. As he tossed the phone onto the bedside table, Phil heard a loud bang from the lounge room, and tilted his head to the side as he stared out the door awaiting an explanation. Dan wandered into the bedroom, his eyes trained on the floor,   
“I may or may not have tripped over my own feet after unlocking the door on my way up the stairs…” he told Phil, climbing onto the bed beside him and taking the mug from his hands,   
“Aw, are you okay?” Phil watched as Dan took a sip of the coffee and handed it back to him.   
“I hurt my elbow…” Dan pouted pathetically, but his pout quickly turned to an adorable smile as Phil leaned over and kissed his elbow,   
“It’s my other elbow…” he giggled, watching Phil lean over further to kiss his other elbow, “and actually I really hurt my knee…” Phil giggled and Dan gave him a mischievous grin.   
“Did you by any chance hit your face, too?” Phil asked with laugh,   
“Why? Do you want to kiss my face?”   
“No, it just looks kinda messed up,”  
“Phil!” Dan pretended to look offended. Phil climbed into Dan’s lap, wrapping his legs around Dan’s abdomen interlocking his fingers behind Dan’s neck and pushing his nose gently against Dan’s.   
“I kinda do want to kiss your face…” Phil whispered,   
“You know what else hurts?” Dan’s voice deepened, Phil wriggled his body against Dan’s crotch,   
“What?” Phil whispered hoarsely,   
“My eye,”  
“Your eye hurts?” Phil giggled, his legs tightening their grip around Dan.   
“I hurt my… everything…” Dan jokingly whined,   
“Mmm…” Phil hummed, kissing Dan’s closed eye and moving his lips to Dan’s neck, hearing Dan let out a deep breath.   
“I still don’t think you’re really in the right frame of mind to be doing anything inappropriate right now,” Dan felt Phil’s teeth sinking into his shoulder,   
“You say that as though you’re thinking with this head,” Phil buried his face into Dan’s hair, kissing him some more.   
“Are you sure you’re comfortable with this?” Dan asked him,   
“Is this your way of telling me you don’t want me to play with you?”   
“Oooh…” Dan groaned as Phil grinded against his erection, “Fuck…”   
“I love making you hard…” Phil whispered, sliding off of Dan’s lap and unzipping his black jeans and pulling them off Dan’s legs, leaving a large, pulsating tent in Dan’s green and white underwear. Phil gently ran his finger up the underside of Dan’s cock through his underwear, kissing the head through the fabric and feeling the dampness of Dan’s pre-cum on his lips.  
“Now you’re just teasing me!” Dan’s voice laughed. Phil pulled the waistband of Dan’s underwear down beneath his balls and circled his tongue around the tip of his cock before allowing it to plunge to the back of his throat,   
“Oh, god… Phil…” Dan’s legs twitched. Phil ran his tongue up and down the underside of Dan’s member as he bobbed up and down, sucking and pleasuring his arousal. 

Chris and PJ stepped out of the lift, chatting to one another about what could possibly have happened with Phil and the balcony. They approached Dan and Phil’s front door and knocked, waiting a moment before trying again. There was no answer. Chris reached out and tried the doorknob and the door clicked open. PJ looked over at Chris, whom was sharing the same confused expression. They climbed up the stairs and wandered into the living room, finding it empty,   
“Fuck. Fuck! FUCK! PHIL! FUCK!” they heard Dan’s voice coming from his bedroom. PJ watched Chris’s eyes widen, neither able to decipher what kind of profanity-inducing situation he was in. They walked to the end of the hall and leered around into the bedroom just in time watch as Dan came straight in Phil’s mouth. Phil felt it hit the back of his throat and swallowed each spurt as it came, and Dan’s eyes rolled back into his head as he let out a loud moan. Chris and PJ stood in absolute silence and shock as Dan’s throbbing penis emerged from Phil’s mouth. PJ turned away and stared directly in the opposite direction, noting the wall colour; Chris cleared his throat. Phil almost screamed as he jumped, startled by the sudden presence of their friends, Dan covered his shame as fast as he could, struggling to pull his underwear back up over his privates.   
“What, in the ever-loving fuck, are you-” Dan began to yell before Phil tumbled off the bed, interrupting him. Dan dived to the floor behind the bed, realizing how much better hidden he would be,   
“Sorry!” Chris laughed, “We didn’t realise we would be interrupting something so…”  
“Intimate?” PJ finished his sentence,   
“I’m so sorry…” Dan apologised, slinking back into his pants, “I wasn’t thinking,”   
“We’ll meet you two in the living room,” PJ said, dragging Chris from the hallway.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“Again, we are so sorry…” Dan apologised to his two friends while Phil recovered from the shame and embarrassment alone in his bedroom, gathering his thoughts before rejoining the group,   
“No, it’s… um, okay…” PJ gave an amused smile,   
“Yeah, at least we know the two of you are getting along,” Chris laughed, “anyway, what happened with the balcony? Your furniture is different, is that it?”   
“Look… yeah…” Dan looked down for a moment before making eye contact with both Chris and PJ, “Phil and I agreed that we should fill you guys in on things because otherwise it might get out of hand. PJ, you suggested it to me before,” PJ nodded in response,   
“Please tell me when we just walked in on isn’t part of you guys filling us in on where you’re at,” Chris joked again.   
“Well, no,” Dan began, “Phil locked himself out there today,”   
“And?” PJ asked,   
“He was going to throw himself off it.”  
“…what?” PJ’s eyes widened, “What happened? Is he… is he okay?”  
“He’s okay. You guys kind of saw that he’s okay… But, we had a massive fight and I said some really horrible things…” Dan sighed,   
“Okay… But if you guys had a massive fight and Phil almost freaking killed himself or something, why were you and he..?” Chris asked, somewhat scared of what his answer might be.   
“Well, afterwards when he calmed down and we weren’t really, you know… acknowledging what had happened and Phil was like, doing… things,”  
“Dan, you do realise that he probably wasn’t in the right headspace for… you know, right?” PJ brought the issue to Dan’s attention,   
“Yes…” he squeaked, “but you know… That’s not the problem we’re discussing right now.”  
“Dan, what was this fight about?” Chris asked, breaking the momentary silence,   
“It was about how he slept with that guy, Aaron…” Dan let out a deep breath of air,   
“He did what?!” Chris almost yelled,   
“I said a lot of horrible, horrible things…” Dan explained, “And then suddenly Phil was out there, and I… I thought I was going to lose him and suddenly I didn’t care that I thought he’d let Aaron fuck him, I just wanted him to be okay…”   
“Dan, if he slept with Aaron and the only reason you’re still here with him right now is because you’re scared he’ll hurt himself, then that’s not fair,” PJ tried to explain, “That’s just unhealthy and if that’s the case, Phil really needs help… I know that it hasn’t been too long since Phil came out of hospital for… other things, but you can’t just let that happen.”   
“Thanks Peej, but the thing is… I was wrong. He didn’t sleep with Aaron,”   
“Oh, so you said heaps of really horrible things to him and he hadn’t even cheated on you?” Phil tried to clarify, still not entirely understanding the confusing situation, Phil listened to the conversation in the next room, wanting to join them, but at the same time, he was content with where he was,   
“…and he hadn’t even cheated on you?” Phil heard PJ say as he poked his head through to the hallway to hear well. Dan didn’t respond, there was just silence until Dan cleared his throat,   
“It was worse than that…” Dan’s voice lowered, “Aaron forced Phil… he hurt him, and he… he forced him…”  
“Oh my god…” Phil head footsteps fast approaching the door hallway and he moved himself away from the door so that they wouldn’t know he was listening.   
“Phil, are you okay?!” Chris powerwalked through the door toward Phil, “Can I… can I hug you?” he asked, unsure of whether or not he’d be comfortable or feel safe if he just went straight in for the embrace. Phil chuckled under his breath,   
“Yeah, I’m fine, go ahead,” he smiled, feeling Chris’s arms around him, “thanks…”   
“I’m so sorry that happened to you!” he exclaimed, “I’m sorry, I’m probably not helping. Just let me know if I can do anything…” 

PJ sat and looked at Dan, just staring at him, observing his face and his features, he didn’t know what to say or what to do. He was stunned. He tried to open his mouth to speak, but all that happened was that he changed his mind and barely moved a single facial muscle,   
“Peej… are you okay? I’m sorry, I should have given you a heads up or something…”   
“No…” PJ finally managed to form words, “I’m fine, and I’m just… I’m shocked,”   
“Do you need a moment?” Dan asked, noticing how odd PJ was behaving,   
“I’m just perplexed, Dan. Are you saying that he- Aaron… raped… Phil?”  
“We haven’t really used that word…” Dan said, “I don’t know if Phil’s comfortable with it or even if he wants to ever bring it up again.”  
“Are you okay?” PJ suddenly asked Dan, leaving him a little confused as he hadn’t seen any importance in himself or his feelings about the situation,   
“I don’t know, to be honest. I think it’s just secondhand worry, you know?” Dan started to explain, “Like, once Phil is okay, I’ll be okay. I’m gonna take care of him, and make sure he gets help and… I swear, Peej, I’m never letting him out of my sight again.” Just as Dan had finished speaking, Chris reentered the room, his arm around Phil’s shoulders,   
“I don’t like the R-word,” Phil stated, breaking away from Chris and slowly sliding his arms around Dan’s waist,   
“I’m sorry, Phil…” PJ mustered after a moment. Phil’s eyes caught PJ’s and he gave him a little smile. Phil could tell that Peej wasn’t okay with it. He was quiet and awkward, he didn’t know how to react, and he didn’t know what to say or do. What could he possibly say to make Phil feel better about such a violation? What could he possibly do to make somebody feel better about such a traumatizing event? He didn’t know. He didn’t know how Dan could just function. He didn’t know how Chris could just pluck himself from the couch to have found Phil. He figured that Dan’s behavior might have been just to reassure Phil that things were okay, but how long would that last? He was overwhelmed. He didn’t have advice for this, he always had advice for his friends, and suddenly, he just didn’t know,   
“Thanks, Peej… Don’t worry about it,” Phil said as though it were such an easy thing to not worry about, “I’m okay,” Phil’s voice concluded.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“Do you love me?” Phil asked in a baby voice, tapping Dan’s foot with his own. It had been 3 days since Phil had locked himself out on the balcony and Dan was still thinking about it, it haunted his every thought, “Dan?” Phil’s voice asked again.   
“Huh?” Dan spluttered, “Oh, yeah. Of course, I do!”   
“Then can I have the key?”   
“Phil why do you need the key?” Dan raised his eyebrow. Dan had locked the balcony door right after the incident with Phil a few days before hand, he’d taken the key and put a piece of black string through it and had begun wearing it around his neck.   
“Because I want to put my planty out in the sun while it’s out,” Phil’s eyes pleaded,   
“Can I put the plant out there?” Dan sighed,   
“Well, yeah… but…”   
“But what, Phil?” Dan looked at him,   
“I wanted to talk to him while he photosynthesized…” Phil whined,   
“I don’t want you out there,”   
“I promise it’ll be fine,” Phil’s voice begged. Dan thought a moment and Phil’s face let up in anticipation,   
“What if I take the plant out onto the balcony, I’ll call you with my phone and put it in the pot, and then you can talk to it over the phone?” he suggested. Phil just looked at him with a disappointed face that said ‘really?’,   
“Please…”   
“No, Philli-” Dan started to say Phil’s whole name, and then stopped, looking down. He remembered how Phil had been lately, whenever someone called him Phillip, he looked dead inside and would become quiet, he still didn’t know why, “Sorry…”   
“It’s okay,” Phil breathed, “You can take him out…” Phil plucked himself from the lounge and pecked Dan on the cheek as he stood too. Phil picked up his green-leafed friend and handed him to Dan, pecking Dan on the cheek and still feeling the disappointment of not being about to go out with him,   
“Don’t look at me like that, Phil,” Dan groaned,   
“I wanted to photosynthesize too…” Phil sounded like a child as he stroked Dan’s cheek with his thumb.   
“Baby, people don’t photosynthesize,” Dan placed Phil’s planty on the table and interlocked his fingers with Phil’s,   
“I do…”   
“Do you, sweetie?” Dan babied him, “Then maybe we can go to the park for a walk later?”  
“Do I need a leash for that?” Phil kissed Dan’s neck,   
“No leashes in public, Phil, you know that,” Dan joked,   
“No leashes in the bedroom either, apparently…” Phil noted with a smile,   
“Are you complaining?” Dan kissed his eyebrow,   
“No…” Phil’s baby voice returned,   
“Is this your way of telling me you’re interested in… something else?”  
“Maybe” Phil dragged the word out as he squeezed Dan’s ass, “but not really,” he laughed.   
“I want you right here,” Dan whispered, groping Phil’s crotch,   
“Dan! Not in front of planty!” he exclaimed, hearing Dan giggle. Dan pushed Phil away and picked up the plant, walking it to the glass door of the balcony, pulling at the key before using it to unlock the door. He placed it on the glass table outside and used one of its’ leaves to wave at Phil, promptly coming back inside and locking the door again.   
“Better?” he laughed,   
“Come and cuddle with me?” Phil gestured toward Dan’s bedroom,   
“I’m gonna do so much more than cuddle you,”   
“Yeah, you’re gonna talk to me too,” Phil laughed. Dan followed him into his room and watched as Phil took off his pants so he was wearing nothing but his t-shirt and underwear and Dan did the same. They climbed into Dan’s bed and Dan flung a leg over Phil’s body. Phil felt the pressure and warmth of Dan’s body beside him and he felt safe, secure and happy, he picked up Dan’s hand from his ribs and moved it to his hip. Dan let out a deep sigh,   
“You’ve grown up so much…” Phil said under his breath, just loud enough for Dan to hear,   
“Yeah?” Dan hinted for him to elaborate,   
“You’ve come so far. I’m so proud of you, you used to be this impressionable boy and… you were so cute and floppy…”   
“I was floppy?” Dan laughed,   
“That’s how I remember you! Like, you were floppy… like, now everything you do is with purpose and meaning. You were beautiful then,” Phil began,   
“…And now?”  
“And now you’re even more incredible. You’re even more beautiful. You’ve become such a wonderful person, you’re an inspiration,” Phil said, feeling Dan nuzzle into his chest. Dan felt little tears gather in his eyes and he snuggled up as close to Phil as he could. 

Phil seemed good. He was handling things well. He was normal. He’d even admitted to not feeling too good about things the other day, and that was a sign that things were good because – oh, who was he kidding? Dan was freaking the hell out because Phil seemed too normal. There was no way in hell that he could be coping so well after what Aaron had done to him. Phil had initiated a lot of sexual activity between them since it happened, no sex, just foreplay… actually, if Dan were being honest, Phil had initiated ALL the sexual activity between them. He was scared. He was scared to try anything for fear that Phil would break down into a heap and just never get up again. Sure, he kissed him and whispered sweet and sexy things while they watched movies on the couch, but since he’d found out about Aaron… Dan wasn’t sure if it was just because of his worry about Phil or if he didn’t want to do it because he knew than Aaron had been there… inside of Phil. It was hypercritical. Phil didn’t care that Dan had sucked a few dicks other than Phil’s before they were together, so why should he care that someone else had been inside Phil? Phil didn’t want it. It wasn’t sex. It was completely different from anything he’d be engaging in with him. He wanted Phil. He wanted to do so many bad things to him, but he just couldn’t. Dan felt Phil stirring beside him and he looked down at the sleepy man staring up at him,   
“Your hair is sexy,” Phil mumbled as Dan pushed his arm under Phil’s neck and pulled him in, kissing his forehead,   
“Why are you wearing your glasses?” Dan smiled,   
“So I can see you,” he kissed Dan’s shoulder three times,   
“We’re in bed, Phil. You don’t need your glasses,” he laughed,   
“I need them if I want to see your sexy hair, and your pretty eyes,”   
“It’s not sexy, it’s a mess. It’s bedhead, Phil,” Dan said, trying to flatten his light curls.   
“Are you still hard?” Phil chirped,   
“What do you mean by ‘still’,” Dan looked confused,   
“Well, you were earlier… I could feel it poking me…”   
“Shit… Sorry…” Dan blushed,   
“No, I like it,” Phil giggled, “So, are you?”   
“Um.”  
“So that’s a yes?” Phil smirked, slinking his hand down Dan’s torso and rubbing his morning wood through his underwear, “Can I take these off?” Phil continued to ask. In that second, that single second it clicked in Dan’s brain. Phil was trying to make it up to him. He still believed it was his fault.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

Dan pushed Phil’s hand from his body and propelled himself away from his friend, tangling his legs in the sheets, falling off of the bed, accompanied by the bed clothes. Phil peered over the edge of the bed and down at Dan as he laid in the mess of sheets on the floor,   
“What’s wrong?” Phil’s face fell and he extended a hand to Dan,   
“Jesus… I’m so stupid…” Dan spat out, standing up and tossing the duvet back on the bed.   
“What is it? What’s wrong, Dan?” Phil’s eyes darted around in search of an explanation, “Did I do something wrong? I’m so sorry!”  
“No, Phil… No,” Dan shook his head and took Phil’s hands in his own, “You didn’t do anything wrong, you know that right?”   
“I’m confused… Are we talking about the same thing?” Phil felt Dan squeeze his fingers a little tighter,   
“Yes! I mean, no!” Dan held Phil’s arms down straight between the two of them and stared right into his eyes, noting the slight accents of fear and confusion, “Are you doing these things to make up for what happened with Aaron?”   
“Well, I know it must be hard for you…” Phil broke eye contact,   
“Hard for ME?!” Dan exclaimed, “Phil, it’s not about me! It’s about you!”   
“But… Dan, I had sex with him…”   
“No, you didn’t,” Dan told him, his voice strong and adamant,   
“But, I… we… but he…” Phil attempted to form a sentence.   
“You know that it’s not sex unless you’ve both consented to it, Phil,”   
“I know, but I must have said… or done something to make him think that I wanted it, and-”   
“No, Phil. They’ve faded a little now, but those bruises clearly indicate that you didn’t ask for anything,” Dan told him, looking Phil in the eye again and squeezing his hands,   
“…I know, but it just seems different somehow…” Phil whispered. Dan felt as though he could feel the light physically drain from its source inside Phil.   
“It’s not any different for you than it is for anyone else. It’s not different. It wasn’t your fault, okay? You didn’t deserve it, and you didn’t do anything to hurt me. You don’t owe me anything,”   
“I know, I know…” Phil lied, hoping to conclude their talk.   
“No, I don’t think you do,” Dan guided Phil’s hands so that they rested on his back before letting go of his hands and wrapping his own arms around Phil and whispering in his ear, “You didn’t want it, it’s not your fault…” 

“What if I did?” Phil asked, pulling away from Dan’s embrace, “What if I did want it?”  
“What do me-” Dan cut himself off, “why would you say that?”   
“I just…? I don’t know what to say,” Phil shook his head, but Dan’s eyes beckoned for him to continue.   
“Did you want it, Phil? …Did you lie about what happened?”  
“No, no… I didn’t lie to you, Dan. I promise. Why would anyone lie about that?” Phil justified,   
“Okay,” Dan nodded and opened his mouth to speak, but Phil beat him to it,   
“But, is it possible that I wanted it and just… I didn’t know?”   
“Phil, you’re being ridiculous. Of course not, that’s not how it works,” Dan’s voice was stern but he was beginning to worry,   
“Maybe it wasn’t rape.” The words came tumbling from Phil’s mouth and Dan gently pushed Phil onto the bed before taking a seat next to him, Phil was so glad Dan was doing his best to understand his struggle,   
“You don’t have to use that word if you don’t want to… I don’t understand how you can believe you wanted it or why you think it wasn’t assault…” Dan placed his arm around Phil’s shoulders,   
“I don’t know how to say it…” Phil turned away. He felt Dan’s free hand touch his cheek and pull his blushing face back to face him,   
“You can tell me,” Dan encouraged him with a smile and a nod,   
“Promise you won’t hate me?”   
“I promise.”   
“Dan, I…” he struggled to think of a way to phrase his confession, “I was… I was hard, and-” Phil’s eyes darted around the room and Dan scooched a little closer to him, showing him that it was still okay, “I came…”

Dan was quiet. Why was Dan quiet? He wasn’t yelling, he hadn’t stood up abruptly and left, he hadn’t done anything. Phil could hear his breathing and suddenly Dan’s grip around his shoulders tightened, pulling him into his chest and holding him firmly. Phil breathed in Dan’s scent and it immediately comforted him, sending him back to the days when they’d crawl into each other’s beds for comfort and slept platonically. Phil felt the heaviness in his heart, fearing that Dan may reject him at any time despite his current placid, supportive state. Dan took a deep breath in, and Phil heard his lungs fill before exhaling, listening for Dan’s heartbeat. It was steady. Everything around them was still.   
“It’s okay,” Dan whispered, his voice low and comforting, “that doesn’t mean anything.”  
“Are you sure, because-”  
“I’m sure,” Dan assured him with a kiss on the cheek, “Phil, I’m sure that’s completely, normal okay? Your body’s physical reaction to… things like that, can’t be helped. Like, if you sucked my dick and for some reason I didn’t want that and I couldn’t do anything about it, obviously it would arouse me and yeah, I’d probably…”   
“I guess…” Phil shrugged,   
“If you really are having thoughts like this, and I know you’re struggling with it… maybe you could see someone about it?” Dan suggested. Phil’s body became stiff and his breathing shallow,   
“I don’t think I ever want to talk about exactly what happened… And if I was okay with that, why would I want to tell a stranger? I can’t even tell you, let alone some-”  
“Slow down,” Dan instructed him, rubbing his hand in circles on his back, “You don’t have to, it’s fine,” Dan smiled lovingly and supportively, “Have you… have you considered reporting it at all?” he asked. He wanted Phil to say yes, he wanted Phil to go to the police and tell them what Aaron had done. Dan wanted Aaron to be punished for what he’d done to Phil. Phil was his best friend in the entire world, did nothing but care about and love everyone and everything, and most of all, he was Dan’s boyfriend. How dare he think he could get away with something so disgusting?! How dare he hurt Phil?! How dare he lay a single finger on Phil without consent?!   
“I’m scared… and I don’t want to,” Phil muttered,   
“Okay, you don’t have to,” Dan told him, kissing his head lightly.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

Phil tapped his foot against the coffee table, reading some random article on his phone in the pleasant silence of the empty flat. Dan had left early in the morning to visit his mother over the weekend for her birthday, Phil chose to stay behind, not entirely keen on facing Dan’s dad again. Dan had taken Phil’s planty and placed it on the coffee table before locking the balcony door again, kissing Phil probably a hundred times and closing the front door, so Phil had planted himself on the couch by the actual plant and had happily been browsing the internet since. He knew that within a few hours he’d miss Dan, but in that moment, he was content with his phone, knowing that Dan’s voice was only the press of a few buttons away. As if Dan were reading his thoughts, Phil’s phone began to vibrate in his hands,   
“Phil?” Dan’s voice sounded through the phone,   
“Yes, I haven’t accidentally burned the house down yet,” he chimed, Dan could hear the smile in his voice,   
“Good, I’m so proud of you!”   
“Don’t patronize me, Dan! I’m the grown up!” Phil giggled,   
“Do you miss me yet?” Dan laughed,   
“Um, no. Not yet, do you miss me?”   
“You’re doing that thing where you stick your tongue out of the corner of your mouth, aren’t you?”  
“…yes,” Phil confessed.   
“I miss you,” Dan told him with a chuckle, “I missed you the second I walked out the door,”   
“You’re the cutest human ever,” Phil told him, playing with his hair,   
“You know that’s not true; you’re the more adorable person on the earth,” Dan said, bumping into the couch at his parents’ house.   
“What was that thud?” Phil laughed,   
“I walked into the lounge… I’m gonna go, my dad’s just come home and he doesn’t know I’m here yet,” Dan waved to his father with a broad smile, silently saying hello and indicating to him that he’d speak properly in a moment,   
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow night,” Phil smiled,   
“I love you,” Dan tried to say as quietly as he could so his dad wouldn’t hear,   
“I love you even more,” Phil heard Dan giggle softly and the line dropped out. He’d hung up. 

Dan gave him explicit instructions to follow while he was gone, seemingly forgetting that Phil had lived without him before, but he was very specific with his instructions to ensure that Phil wouldn’t get into any trouble or burn the house down.   
“Don’t go out on the balcony,” Dan had told him, “I have the key anyway, and don’t forget to water your goddamn plants, Phil. I swear, if I have to comfort you over the death of one more of your ‘babies’, I’ll… I’ll comfort you, let’s be honest, but don’t fucking kill any of them. If you set the fire alarm off again, take the batteries out and- actually, if there’s a fire get the hell out and call the emergency line, okay? Oh, oh! I want you to go outside at least once, okay?” Phil had politely nodded and agreed, but he thought it was hilarious and adorable that Dan felt the need to make sure he would remain a functioning adult. He’d decided to just abide by Dan’s rules and rather than cooking, chose to order a pizza instead. He opened the door and smiled politely at the pizza man, wondering if stepping out of the flat for a moment counted as a trip outside, paid the young delivery man and took the pizza inside to the coffee table, apologizing to his plant in advance for not sharing. After eating 4 slices, he places the remaining pizza, box and all, into the fridge and plopped himself down on the couch again, preparing to watch some old show on TV when he heard the door again. He trotted down the stairs, humming a song that not even he could identify, and opened the door. 

“Aaron…” Phil’s voice breathed as he caught sight of the person on the other side of the door,   
“Hey, Phil,” the man with the long, brown hair spoke, “Sorry for just stopping by like this, but you mentioned you lived here and I couldn’t find your number…”   
“Oh, um… yeah,” Phil faulted, and suddenly he felt as though maybe he had misinterpreted what had happened with him. If it had really happened like that, why had he shown up here? He was so nice, treating him like the friend Phil once thought him to be.   
“Are you free?” Aaron tucked a stray brown hair behind his ear,   
“Uh, yeah…”   
“Can I come in, then?”  
“Um… sure…” Phil opened the door wider and allowed Aaron access to the flat, leading him into the lounge room, “Do you want a drink of water or something?”  
“No, it’s fine,” Aaron smiled, “Where’s your boyfriend thing?”   
“Oh, Dan? He’s… not home right now,”   
“Oh, that’s good. We can just hang out,” he said,   
“Ah, yeah. I guess.”  
“Is something wrong?” Aaron asked as Phil sat by him,   
“No… no… I just, I’m a little confused. It’s fine though,” Phil said, feeling his insides tremble and praying to any and every god that would listen that he wouldn’t start shaking.   
“No, you can tell me, we’re friends, aren’t we?”   
“Are we?” Phil asked, immediately regretting doing so,   
“Why wouldn’t we be?” Aaron’s eyes focused on Phil’s so intensely that Phil was starting to worry about whether or not looks could kill,   
“Well…” Phil began, “after last time…”   
“Phillip! Don’t worry about that!” Aaron insisted, “I forgive you!”   
“You forgive me..?” Phil was confused and suddenly he wasn’t sure whether or not what Aaron had done to him before had even really happened… Was it all in his head? Had he gotten it all wrong?   
“Of course I do! You panicked the morning after, deleted your number and left – obviously you’d be freaking out, you had a boyfriend!” Aaron explained, “I probably would have done the same. I take it you didn’t tell Ben, though, considering you’re still living here together…”  
“His name is Dan, and I told him exactly what happened,” Phil’s voice shook slightly through his strong tone.   
“And what happened, Phil?” Aarons face wasn’t so friendly anymore,   
“You-” Phil was promptly cut off by Aaron,   
“We, Phil. We,”   
“No, Aaron… I didn’t want it and you-” Phil tried,   
“You did want it, Phil,” Aaron told him, “You wanted it, and you wanted it rough, didn’t you?”   
“No… I don’t… That’s not what happened,” Phil suddenly regretted saying anything at all.   
“What are you talking about, Phillip?” he snarled at him, “You know you wanted it.” Phil tried to move back from Aaron on the couch, but the arm of the chair dug into his back and couldn’t move any further as Aaron placed his hand on Phil’s upper thigh,   
“No…” Phil told him, trying to be as stern as he could, though it came out quite meek. Aaron’s hand rose from his side and slapped Phil across the face,   
“You wanted it, didn’t you Phillip?” Aaron demanded. It all came back, and Phil knew that he hadn’t imagined any of it, it had all be real and it was happening again…


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“You want it now, don’t you Phillip?” Aaron spat, Phil shook his head and bit his lip before Aaron violently grabbed his head and held it tightly between his hands, “YOU WANT IT, DON’T YOU PHILLIP?!”   
“No,” Phil cried aloud, trying to get away, but Aaron quickly snatched at his wrist and pulled him back to the couch, pinning him down and punching Phil across the jaw, splitting his lip.   
“YOU WANT IT, PHILLIP. TELL ME YOU WANT IT!” Phil felt the spittle spray his face,   
“I want it… I want it…” Phil whimpered, begging for him not to hit him again.   
“See? You like it. Tell me you like it,” Aaron’s voice was quieter now, but still coarse and demanding,   
“I like it…” Phil felt the tears stinging his bleeding lip as he squirmed beneath Aaron’s significantly larger form. Aaron unzipped Phil’s pants and pulled them off and onto the floor,   
“Do you want me?” Aaron whispered loudly to the side of Phil’s face. Phil’s lack of verbal response rewarded him with jab of Aaron’s knee into his thigh, forcing him to let out a voluminous yell, accompanied by profuse begging.   
“Do you want me, Phillip?!” Aaron rose his voice again,   
“Yes! I do! I want you!” Phil cried, Aaron yanked Phil’s underwear from his body and groped at Phil’s nervous erection,   
“See, Phillip? You do want it,” he winked to Phil as though it were some kind of rough foreplay. Phil licked some of the blood from his lip, feeling it dribble down his chin and drip onto his shirt as he felt the wet warmth that was Aaron’s mouth around his cock, making him harder and harder. All he wanted was to make it go away, to make everything stop. He struggled against Aaron’s tight grip on his hips, unable to get away. Aaron felt the struggle below him and Phil felt his teeth lightly pressing down in the middle of his length, threatening to do some serious damage if he didn’t stop moving. Phil laid still, sobbing to himself, and squinting his eyes shut as tight as he could, hoping it would all go away. Within moments Aaron stopped what he was doing and moved up to Phil and violently kissed his lips, Phil froze. 

“Daniel, what are you doing here?” Dan’s father asked, putting his keys down on the bench as Dan waved at him,   
“I love you,” Dan giggled, receiving an eye-roll from his dad before hanging up and apologizing,   
“Sorry, I left Phil at home,” Dan laughed,   
“Good,” was all he had to say, Dan ignored it.   
“I’m here for mum’s birthday, she called last week and said she missed me, I promised I’d come and see her,” Dan smiled,   
“Alright then,” his dad said flatly. Dan marched up the stairs and knocked on the frame of Adrian’s bedroom door, slowly opening it from the outside and peering inside, greeted with the sight of his brother sitting on his bed with his laptop. He looked up with bored eyes and as soon as he saw that it was Dan, his entire face lit up and he closed his laptop, eagerly scrambling off the bed to greet him. Dan laughed and invited Adrian into a gentle hug, knowing that Adrian wouldn’t want to initiate contact,   
“Dan!” he smiled,   
“How’re you doing?” Dan laughed,   
“I’m good! Is Phil here too?”   
“No… he didn’t want to come, but it’s okay, I’m going home tomorrow morning and I’m sure he’ll survive a single night alone,” Dan smiled, sitting on Adrian’s bed with him,   
“Cause of dad?” he asked, adjusting his t-shirt,   
“Yeah, don’t worry about it though, okay? If you ever had a problem with him because you happen to be…”  
“Dan, I’m not gay,” he laughed,   
“Alright,” Dan giggled, “Do you know when mum’s coming home? I bought her a cake for tonight,”   
“I texted her about 20 minutes ago and she said she was on her way.” Adrian opened up his laptop again and Dan looked over at the screen, noticing the pages of small, black print,   
“What’re you doing?” Dan enquired,   
“An essay on cultures and subcultures,” he replied,   
“Need any help?” Dan asked with a smile. Adrian nodded. After about 15 minutes of Dan paraphrasing Adrian’s words and helping him with the sentence structure to get it sounding more profound, the bedroom door clicked open and Dan’s mother stood behind with them with a large smile on her face,   
“Daniel!” she startled them both, “You’re here! And look, you’re helping your brother! I’ve missed you so much!” she enveloped him in a warm hug,   
“Happy birthday mum! I’ve missed you too, I love you so much,” he smiled to her, putting his hand on his brother’s shoulder,   
“I’ve brought dinner and cake for everyone downstairs,” he motioned toward the door and the three joined his father in the dining room downstairs. 

It was happening. Aaron whipped his own pants off as Phil tried to force his legs together again, and then Aaron was struggling for a moment, just to get his underwear off and Phil seized his chance. He scooched to the side and dropped to the floor, beginning to crawl away from his attacker. He felt a grip around his ankle and suddenly Aaron was leering over him,   
“Get up,” he demanded, and Phil obeyed, legitimately fearing for his life. Aaron pushed Phil’s entire body backwards onto the coffee table, knocking the potted plant from the surface and slamming Phil’s spine against the hard wood and curved edges. Aaron pushed Phil’s right leg up by his shoulder and Phil’s face scrunched up in anticipation, terrified as Aaron pushed his thick length into Phil’s anus. In and out. Over and over. Unrelenting, just panting, on top of Phil as he begged him to stop, and eventually Aaron came inside him, and he stopped. Phil panicked and hit Aaron in the face out of pure instinct, forgetting how much bigger and stronger he was than himself, and Aaron retaliated with a swift punch to Phil’s face, bruising his cheek.   
“How dare you?!” Aaron screamed, “How DARE you think you could hit me like that you little bitch!” standing up and kicking Phil’s leg, causing his entire body to fall off the table and collapse onto the floor in a crying, pained heap as Aaron let himself out of the flat, leaving Phil alone once more. 

At 10:30pm, Dan’s parents went to bed and Adrian had retreated back to his bedroom for the night. Dan followed suit, despite it being extremely early for him, and got comfortable in his bed before calling Phil. There was no answer. Phil always answered his phone. He was reliable, especially at 10:30pm when he was alone in the flat and he’d already told Dan that his plans for the night included video games and pizza alone on the couch. He tried again before giving up and calling Chris instead,   
“Sup Dan?” Chris answered happily,   
“Hey, I hate to bother you, because I feel like I do this a lot, but…” Dan said lowly,   
“Please tell me you’re not roaming the streets in the dark again,” Chris joked.   
“No, not that,” Dan tried to laugh, “Look, Phil’s not answering his phone again… I’m with my parents, can you just go over and make sure he’s okay?”   
“Yeah, no worries. Are you alright?” Chris agreed,   
“Yeah, I’ll be fine once I know Phil’s okay. We agreed we’d call again before 11pm and you know… nothing,”   
“Okay, I’m on my way over now,”   
“Thanks so much,” Dan hung up and awaited for another call confirming that Phil was okay which came about half an hour later. 

Chris used Dan and Phil’s spare key to unlock the front door, marching up the stairs calling Phil’s name, stopping abruptly when he laid eyes on the living room. The couch cushions were a mess, the coffee table was skewed and the floor was stained with small amounts of blood, covered only by the dirt and soil from the smashed potted plant laying on the ground beside a pair of black skinny-jeans.   
“Phil?!” Chris yelled, searching the scene, being careful not to disturb anything. He speed-walked down the hall to Phil’s bedroom and popped his head around the corner; empty. He opened the door to Dan’s room and walked in, spying Phil – a lump beneath Dan’s covers,   
“Phil… what happened out there?” Chris asked, pulling out his phone,   
“Chris?” Phil asked, sticking his face out of the bed,   
“Yeah, it’s me… What happened? Are you okay?”   
“…no.” Phil said meekly. Chris turned on the lights and got closer to Phil, noticing his split lip and further bruised face,   
“What happened?”   
“…Aaron,” Phil uttered, “he…”   
“Okay,” Chris told him, “okay. We’re going to go to the hospital, and make sure nothing’s broken or infected, and just to take record of everything this time, alright?”   
“No, I don’t want to,” Phil told him, fear in his eyes.   
“I’m not giving you a choice, Dan is worried and if I can tell him that you’re going to be okay, then that’s going to go down a lot better than, ‘oh, don’t worry. Phil’s just broken and refuses help,’, so we’re going. Come on,” Chris said, pulling the sheets back, revealing Phil’s curled up body wearing Dan’s grey tracksuit pants and his bloodied white shirt.   
“…Alright,” Phil agreed, “I’m sorry for the trouble…”  
“Don’t apologise to me for this, Phil. I care about you,” Chris said, dialing Dan’s number as he led Phil from the flat.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

Dan stared expectantly at his phone the way he had been for the last half hour, the second it began to vibrate, Chris’s name and number flashing on the screen, Dan grabbed at the phone about as gracefully as a drunk ballerina, dropping it before swiping across the screen to answer.   
“Chris?! How’s Phil? What happened?!” Dan felt his heartrate rise,   
“Calm down, okay?” Chris started, “Just chill,”   
“Okay… I’m fine,” Dan told him, “Is everything okay?”  
“Dan… I’m with Phil right now. He doesn’t know I’m on the phone to you, he thinks my mum’s calling; so I can’t be long,” Chris looked in on Phil sitting in the front seat of his car as he stood by the boot of the car, “We’re on our way to the hospital,”  
“What happened?! Why are you going to the hospital?! Is Phil alright?! What did he do?!”   
“Dan, stop. Phil is alert and awake, he’s agreed to come to the hospital. He’s got a split lip and some bruises from what I can tell,” Chris began to explain,   
“WHAT HAPPENED, CHRIS?!” Dan yelled, no longer caring whether or not it woke up his family.   
“…I don’t know, exactly,” Chris partially lied, “The living room was a mess when I got in, the furniture was all over the place, and there was Phil’s blood on the carpet and dirt everywhere-”   
“Where the hell did the dirt come from?” Dan demanded,   
“The big-leafed house plant was broken and-” Chris was cut off again by Dan’s loud voice,   
“PLANTY?! CHRIS, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!”  
“I told you, I don’t know! Dan, calm down! Phil is alive and he’s about to be seen by a doctor just to make sure, we’re not taking any risks. Just relax, he’s okay. He probably fell over something,”   
“I’m sorry… I’m so… I’m scared, okay?” Dan’s voice was soft again,   
“It’s alright. I’m taking care of him, I’ll keep you updated. I’ve got to go,”  
“Thank you so much, Chris… I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciate you,”  
“You’re welcome,” Chris said, hanging up and climbing into the car to drive to the hospital. 

A group of about twelve 14 year old girls wearing football jerseys stood gathered around the triage nurses window, supporting one of their teammates as she was wheeled into the next room in a wheelchair, accompanied by what looked to be a coach and perhaps a parent. Chris, with his arm around Phil’s upper body, escorted Phil to the triage nurse, knowing full well that he wouldn’t, or maybe couldn’t, get there himself. Phil looked at the white, speckled floor as the nurse greeted them and enquired as to why they were there, Chris took over and briefly explained that his friend just needed to be checked out by a doctor and would prefer not to go into much more detail. She nodded and took Phil’s information before instructing them to take a seat. Phil felt his body tremble, his leg bouncing up and down as he sat in the uncomfortable seat, Chris seated beside him. After a few minutes, Chris reached out and placed his hand on Phil’s knee, stopping the vibrations and intense movement,   
“Did it… did it happen again?” Chris whispered. Phil didn’t move or say anything at all, Chris knew that meant yes, “I’m so sorry…”   
“I shouldn’t have let him in…” Phil said in the softest voice,   
“Can you tell me about that some more?” Chris worded his sentence carefully so it didn’t seem like he was accusing or blaming Phil for anything,   
“He came to the door, and I was shocked…” Phil’s words emerged slowly before he began talking a lot quicker, “He was so nice and it was like nothing bad had ever happened, and for a second there… I thought it had all been in my head. I didn’t know…”  
“I can’t say I understand, but trust me, Phil, that doesn’t mean it was your fault. Nothing you did makes what he did to you acceptable,” Chris told him. Phil looked into Chris’s well-meaning eyes and blinked back a few tears, offering him a small smile,   
“Thanks,” Phil continued to stare intently into Chris’s brown eyes, noticing the little flecks throughout. Suddenly the crowded waiting room of the Emergency Department seemed quiet and it were as if they weren’t in a room full of people and sitting on awkward and uncomfortable chairs. He didn’t know why he did it, he didn’t know what had come over him, but suddenly Phil’s lips were pressed against Chris’s. For a moment or three, Chris kissed him back, sucking his bottom lip before allowing Phil’s tongue access to his mouth and expertly flicking it with his own, reciprocating the movement as Phil’s hand steadily held his jaw. 

Chris felt Phil’s thumb stroke his cheek, disturbing the lashes of his closed eyes and allowing him to deepen the kiss. Chris had never experienced a kiss like this before, he’d never even imaged experiencing something like kissing one of his friends before. He was kissing Phil. Chris was kissing Phil. Phil; the rape victim. Phil; his friend. Phil; Dan’s boyfriend. Phil; his MALE friend. Phil; DAN’S BOYFRIEND. DAN, AS IN HIS OTHER CLOSE FRIEND. PHIL: HIS CLOSE FRIEND.   
“No,” Chris pulled away without haste, “No, no, no, no, no…” he repeated. Phil’s hand suddenly rose to cover his mouth, his eyes wide open in shock, his eyes darting from feature to feature on Chris’s face, searching for an appropriate verbal response.   
“Chris, I… fuck!” Phil’s mouth spoke as his hand continued to hover about an inch and a half from his face, Chris looked at Phil in shock with wide eyes.   
“That didn’t happen,” Chris stated, shaking his head,   
“I’m so sorry… Chris, I’m so, so sorry…” Phil stood up, but was forced back into his seat by a combination of pain in his ribs and Chris’s hand pulling him down by his wrist.   
“You’re just overwhelmed and confused,” Chris told him, “Don’t worry about it. You just miss Dan, you’ve gone through all this and he can’t be here, so…”   
“Yeah,” Phil nodded, “You’re probably right,”   
“I mean, neither of us have ever thought about the other like that before, and um, Dan. Dan is relevant and important.”   
“I’m so sorry…” Phil repeated,   
“No, it is one hundred percent okay. It’ll never happen again, it’s just been an emotional day for you, right?” Chris continued to babble, Phil nodded,   
“Like you said, it never happened.”

“Phillip Lester?!” a woman’s voice called out, earning the stares for several people in the room as Chris assisted him to the large door. They stepped into the new part of the hospital and followed the female nurse through to the small doctor’s room and asked them to take a seat. Within a minute or two a female doctor stood at the door looking at the pair,   
“Which one of you is Phillip Lester?” she smiled. Chris pointed at Phil,   
“That’s Phil,” he said, the doctor nodded at them,   
“Alright, I’m Doctor Janie Pierce,” she looked at Chris, “Can I see you out here for a moment?” Chris followed her out into the hallway and she closed the door slightly,   
“Before I examine your friend, I just want to get some information. Has he been in a fight tonight?” she asked,   
“Um, not really,” Chris told her, waiting for another question,   
“Patients have a tendency to leave out important information, I just need a brief description of what happened so that I can treat him better,” she said as nicely as she could.   
“He, um… he was attacked?” Chris was unsure of what to say, “I don’t know what happened exactly, I wasn’t there… but he…”   
“Just tell me what you do know,” she encouraged,   
“He was, um… sexually assaulted,” Chris lowered his voice before biting the inside of his cheek, the doctor’s smile dropped right off her face and she nodded at Chris, thanking him. Chris remained outside as she entered the examination room, sitting at the desk and greeting Phil with another smile.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

There was a loud knock on the door and the handle twisted open, Dan stared at the figure standing in the dimly lit hallway outside his room and was suddenly blinded by the light being switched on.   
“Dan, it’s the middle of the night, what are you doing?” Adrian’s tired voice asked, looking over at Dan and sitting on his bed. Adrian blinked a few times and looked at Dan’s tear-stained face and red, puffy, bloodshot eyes, “…are you crying?”   
“No, I’m not. I’m fine. Sorry for waking you up,” Dan muttered,   
“I heard you shouting something, and you look like you’ve been crying… I didn’t know you cried..?” Adrian said, Dan forced a laugh.   
“I guess I’m not all tough and masculine like older brothers should be…”   
“I guess not,” Adrian said quietly, “what’s wrong?”   
“This isn’t how it’s meant to be, Adrian! I’m meant to talk to you and help you, not the other way around…” Dan said, sounding utterly pathetic, Adrian crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.   
“What’s wrong?” Adrian repeated,   
“Phil’s at the hospital… I don’t know what’s going on, or what happened, or if he’s okay…” Dan’s eye fogged up with tears,   
“Are you okay?” he asked his older brother, seeing the heartbreak and worry on his face.   
“No!” Dan cried, burying his face in his pillow, “I’m not okay! All these horrible things keep happening, one after the other! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! How do I keep Phil safe?! How do I keep myself safe?! If we don’t kill ourselves, someone else will end up doing it for us at this rate!” The tears streamed down Dan’s face as he bawled to Adrian.   
“What do you mean? What does that mean?” Adrian was shocked, he was completely unaware of the can of worms he’d opened, “Are you going to…?”   
“No! No, Adrian! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” Dan flustered, “I shouldn’t have said that,”   
“Have you tried to,” Adrian swallowed, “kill yourself?” Dan sighed,   
“No... Not exactly,” Dan decided to tell him the truth, “But it almost happened,”   
“Is that what those scars are?” Adrian looked at Dan’s wrists. Dan looked down at his scars and nodded,   
“Pretty much,” he shrugged.   
“Why?” Adrian’s voice was unsteady and Dan felt the blood rush to his cheeks and spread throughout his face,   
“I wish I could tell you,” Dan forced a smile, “It just happened. Mental illness just happens to some people sometimes…”   
“Why didn’t you tell me?”   
“We weren’t that close,” Dan regretted, “I didn’t, well, don’t, tell you much.”   
“Can you tell me everything now?” Adrian turned on the lamp by the bed and walked to turn off the ceiling light before climbing into Dan’s bed with him and staring up at the ceiling, “Please?” Dan nodded. 

A bruised jaw, bruised ribs and back, a black eye on top of where his first one had originally been, and two broken ribs. Chris handed Phil a little white cup of water and sat on the chair by the Emergency Department bed while they waited for the doctor to come back, it was almost 2am and Phil could feel his eyelids getting heavier and heavier but he fought against the sleep. He didn’t want to fall asleep, he felt bad that Chris was still here and waiting in the hospital too, though while Phil was in a white hospital bed, Chris was sat on a wonky, old chair. Despite feeling bad, he was glad that Chris had stayed. He was glad that Chris hadn’t reacted badly to the kiss. He was glad Chris was there for him. Any of his other friends would had freaked out and left him, probably would have called Dan too, if they were a mutual friend, and then it would be all over. Everything.   
“You can go home if you want…” Phil mumbled rolling over to see Chris,   
“Nah,” Chris smiled, “If I leave, you might end up kissing some poor stranger, and then probably getting yourself strangled,” he laughed. Phil pushed his fringe from his eyes and laughed back,   
“Maybe I like getting strangled,” Phil winked with a chuckle.   
“Jesus… sometimes I forget that you’re not the epitome of innocence…” Chris laughed,   
“Yeah, I’m a little bit extremely sexy,” Phil joked, biting his lip,   
“You kind of are with that stubble, actually,” Chris confessed as nonchalantly as he could. Phil felt his face, noticing his stubble for the first time, remembering that he hadn’t shaved since Dan wasn’t around.   
“Damn, I forgot about that…” Phil said, “My bad.”   
“It looks good, don’t pretend you don’t know it,” Chris laughed as he felt his phone vibrate. He pulled it from his pocket and glanced down at the screen,   
“Is that Dan?” Phil downed his cup of room-temperature water,   
“Yeah, just a text though. Do you… are you going to tell him?”   
“I’m going to have to…” Phil breathed, “I’m going to have to go to the police… He showed up at the flat this time, he might come back and if he does and Dan is there…”   
“This must be really hard for you…” Chris placed his hand on Phil’s arm. Phil shrugged and yawned, covering his mouth with his hand.   
Phil noticed Chris’s head turn toward the opening in the blue, fish-themed, curtain as the doctor joined them once more,   
“Okay, so here are your X-rays,” she said, handing Phil the scan results, “and in this envelope are the results of your other tests, do you want to go through those now?” she asked, looking at Phil. Phil nodded and Chris stood up,   
“I’m gonna go get another coffee, want one?” Chris asked, Phil nodded and turned to the doctor now that it was a little more private.   
“Alright then, Mr. Lester,” she began, “so we did the rape kit and screened it while we did the X-rays and everything else, and the good news is that you’re not pregnant,” she smiled and Phil laughed a little,   
“That’s a relief, I don’t how I’d explain that one to my boyfriend!” Phil joked,   
“Oh, I’m sure he’d be fine,” she laughed, “He seems very dedicated to you,” her smile beamed.   
“Chris? No, he’s not my boyfriend… We’re just friends. My boyfriend couldn’t be here…”   
“Oh, I’m so sorry!” she apologised, Phil smiled and she continued, “Anyway, since you said it had happened before, I went ahead and ran some tests for STI’s. The tests for HPV, Gonorrhoea and the list of the other STI’s we tested for,” she pointed to the sheet of paper, “Came up negative, which is good. One did come up as positive for chlamydia, but you don’t need to worry about that too much because it’s treated with a single dose of an antibiotic. Unfortunately, I can’t give you an exactly date or time when you contracted it, so it may have been the first time you were assaulted or it could have been this time, or it could have been contracted from your boyfriend… I’d recommend encouraging him, and any other sexual partners you and he may have, to get tested as well, alright?”   
“Okay… thank you,” Phil nodded, taking the small cup with the antibiotic pill from her dainty hands,   
“After that, we’re happy to release you to… your friend. You just need to rest and take the note in the scans to your local doctor for check-ups on how they’re healing. Just take over the counter pain killers, like paracetamol or ibuprofen, for the pain, but if it’s not helping your doctor can prescribe something stronger. Just make sure not to over-do it for a while,”   
“Is there anything else?” Phil asked with a polite smile as he slipped his shoes back on,   
“Yes, just one last thing; the STI test includes HIV. Now, your test for that one came up negative, but if you contracted that during your encounter today then it won’t have come up on the results, so I urge you to get re-tested in about four weeks, and then a few weeks after that again. It’s just a precaution. I hope you have a good night,” She finished speaking with a final smile before making her way to another patient. 

“I take it you’re not going to die, then?” Chris teased at the sight of Phil sitting in the rigid chair with his clothes and shoes back on, envelopes in hand,   
“Not tonight, no,” Phil took Chris’s hand in an effort to stand himself up, he may not have been dying but he sure did hurt.  
“How were the results, if you don’t mind me asking?” Chris asked as he helped Phil hobble back to the car,   
“Not perfect,” Phil confessed, exhaling a large breath,   
“Oh?”  
“Chlamydia,” Phil stated, “So now I have the joyous task of telling Dan to get tested too…”   
“I can’t even begin to tell you how much I hate this Aaron guy,” Chris stated,   
“Mmm…” Phil hummed in passive agreement, “if you want to stay over tonight because it’s so late, you can sleep in my bed. I’m going to sleep in Dan’s bed…” Phil suggested,   
“Yeah, okay. I’ll help you with the lounge room in the morning,” Chris smiled.


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

Chris awoke under the green and blue checked duvet, warm and still tired from the night before, to the sound of Dan’s voice calling his name,   
“Chris…” Dan’s voice interrupted Chris’s dreaming, “Chris!”   
“Mmm?”   
“Get up!” Dan hissed, Chris opened his eyes and saw the look of desperation on Dan’s face,   
“Dan?” he questioned before realising that Dan being an inch from his face mean that Dan had come home, “Dan!” Chris shot up.   
“Yes! The living room! It’s…” Dan began to freak out,   
“It’s a mess, I know. We were going to clean it up before you got home but-”  
“Obviously I was going to come home early with all that’s going on here,” Dan interrupted.   
“Yeah, guess you’re right…” Chris peeled himself from the bed,   
“Where’s Phil?” Dan asked, now eye level with Chris,   
“He’s in your bed, isn’t he?” Chris looked at Dan with wide eyes, for a moment panicking that Phil had somehow disappeared, “Please don’t tell me I lost him!”   
“I haven’t checked my room yet… I came in here to find him and you were here instead. For a moment I thought that… never mind.” Dan shook his head, “Sorry.” Dan opened the door to his bedroom and walked in, Chris lingered at the door,   
“I think I’m just gonna put the kettle on,” Chris turned to make his way to the kitchen as Dan sat on the bed by Phil’s sleeping body. He reached out and stroked Phil’s hair, noticing the 3 stitches in his lip and the bruising around his cheek and eye,   
“I’m so sorry…” Dan whispered, leaning down to kiss Phil’s forehead, “I love you so much…”   
“I love you too…” Phil’s dry throat whispered as he opened his eyes.   
“Are you okay?” Dan lightly kissed Phil’s lip, “Does that hurt?”   
“Surprisingly not, actually… I’m okay,” Phil kissed Dan’s hand,   
“What happened? How do you feel?”   
“I’m a little bit extremely sore…” Phil told him, “My face hurts a lot, and so do my shoulders, back and ribs…”   
“What did the doctor say?” Dan grasped Phil’s hand tightly,   
“She said I’d be okay, I just have a bit of bruising and stitches in my lip,” he said pointed to his mouth, “a couple of broken ribs and…”   
“Fucking hell…” Dan pinched the bridge of his nose, “What happened?” Phil sat up in the bed and looked deep into Dan’s eyes,   
“It happened again…”

“Aaron came HERE?! Fuck, Phil… I’m calling the police.” Dan panicked after Phil told him exactly what happened in the flat,   
“No, no… Don’t!” Phil grabbed Dan’s hands, “I spoke to them at the hospital. The doctor asked if I wanted to report it and I did. It was a long night…”  
“Do we need to do anything else? Go down to give the police more information? Anything?!” Dan rushed,   
“Um… no, not like that. Not with the police…” Phil said slowly, “but there’s something I need to tell you…”   
“What is it?” Dan asked, wondering what he could possibly have left out.   
“Dan… I tested positive for chlamydia…” Phil lowered his voice, Dan was silent, and Phil continued, “They don’t know if it was from this time or last time… or you…”   
“What are you saying?” Dan knew exactly what he was saying, but couldn’t for the life of him register it,   
“I’m sorry… I think you should get tested too…”   
“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault. I don’t know why we didn’t think of anything like that before,” Dan said as Phil wrapped his arm around him, pressing his forehead to the side of his cheek, “I’ll go this afternoon, okay?”   
“I have to go again in a few weeks too,” Phil told him, “some things don’t come up in the tests for a while after contracting them,”   
“Like what?” Dan wondered with slight concern,   
“Like, you know,” Phil slowed his speech before quickly spitting out his answer, “HIV,”   
“Jesus… Why didn’t we think of any of this before?” Dan breathed,   
“Probably because neither of us are women…” Phil joked a little. Dan leaned into Phil’s chest,   
“What are you doing about what you do have though…?” he asked,   
“I already took the antibiotic for it,” Dan felt Phil’s throat vibrate as he spoke, “I need coffee…” 

Dan wandered into the kitchen where Chris was stirring the second of three mugs full of coffee on the bench. He took a sip of the first mug and placed it down on the other side of the bench and rubbed his eyes. He was tired and he was stressed, he looked as though he was about ready to fall into a teary heap and cry,   
“I take it Phil told you?” Chris looked at him regretfully, “I’m sorry…”   
“No, don’t be… it can’t be helped,” Dan took a deep in and exhaled,   
“Remind me not to sleep with you until you’re all sorted out, right?” Chris laughed,   
“Oh god…” Dan chuckled, “Chris, that’s not funny!”   
“It is though, isn’t it?” he nodded encouragingly at Dan,   
“Shut up,” Dan shook his head with a grin, “I’m going today so I should know within a few days,”   
“Did he tell you about the AIDS thing?” Chris asked,   
“You mean HIV?” Dan raised an eyebrow.   
“Same thing,”   
“Not the same thing. Very different things. Yes, he told me,”   
“It’s just a precaution, I doubt anything’ll come up,” Chris insisted.   
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Dan picked up the last mug of coffee and walked it in to Phil, whom had fallen back to sleep. He placed it on the bedside table and kissed Phil’s bruised cheek before making his way back to Chris and sitting next to him on the lounge. 

“How did you know when you liked guys?” Chris asked completely out of the blue, pretending the only reason he were asking was out of curiosity,   
“What?” Dan tuned in,   
“Like, did something happen to kind of, I don’t know, let you know that you liked…”   
“…Dick?” Dan joked, Chris laughed and nodded, “I don’t know, I experimented with a few guys when I was younger,”   
“Oh.”   
“You know, a lot of people don’t even recognise or know that they’re into the same sex until they’re like in their 30’s or something, and it ranges for everyone, so if you’re starting to question-” Dan was cut off by Chris’s flailing hands,   
“No, no, it’s not that…” Chris insisted. Dan looked at him,   
“Then what is it?”   
“It’s nothing, don’t worry,”   
“Come on, talk to me. We haven’t talked like this in ages,” Dan smiled,   
“Fine. I made out with a guy…” Chris confessed and Dan’s face lit up excitably.   
“Really?! Who?! What’s his name?!” Chris swallowed and was reminded of the times Dan had looked at him with that excitement and asked him those very same questions when he was dating a new girl.   
“You don’t know him…” Chris lied, “but like, he kissed me. I didn’t kiss him. He kissed me. I kissed him back. I didn’t kiss him first though.”  
“Okay, so this guy kissed you. Is he a straight guy or a non-straight guy?” Dan asked,   
“Very non-straight.”   
“Do you think he’s interested in you, or was it just an impulsive thing?”   
“Not interested in me,” Chris answered sharply, secretly enjoying the question and answer game Dan had initiated.   
“Are you sure he’s not interested?” Dan tilted his head to the side indicating his disbelief,   
“I’m positive. He has a… fiancé,” Chris said to further throw Dan off the thought that it was someone he knew, specifically Phil.   
“Oh… That sucks. Do you like him?”   
“I don’t… I don’t know. I don’t think so. No,” Chris decided,   
“Okay, so maybe.” Dan laughed and Chris rolled his eyes,   
“I liked it, though… I liked the stubble, and his strong arms, and… his tongue was so STRONG, Dan! I can’t even begin to tell you about how weird it was and how good it was! It was so surprising, and he was in complete control, and it was the first time I’d ever not been leading whatever was happening…” Chris ranted, his smile widening as he spoke. Dan smiled and nodded,   
“I know exactly what you’re talking about,” Dan grinned, “Phil would probably kill me if he knew I’d said this, but he is… he is almost always very much in control,” he winked. Chris stopped. Suddenly he realised what he’d done. He’d kissed Dan’s boyfriend, passionately, and enjoyed it. AND THEN HE’D GONE AND TOLD DAN ALL ABOUT IT! What kind of a human being did something like that?!


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“Okay, so PJ is on his way over and you’re gonna stay here with Phil?” Dan clarified for the fourth time before heading out to his doctor’s appointment and picking up his keys and heading toward the front door, “Thanks for staying, you’re a life saver. Literally,”   
“It’s fine! Just go!” Chris insisted, wiping over the coffee table of the now clean and tidied lounge room, the remains of Phil’s favourite houseplant hanging out of the plastic bin bag in Dan’s hand, ready to be disposed of. Chris heard the front door to Dan and Phil’s flat click shut as he slumped down into the pillows of the couch, utterly exhausted after only having gotten a few pitiful hours of sleep. He closed his eyes and drifted into a very light sleep, only to be awoken by PJ about 15 minutes later. Chris felt the gentle nudge of PJ’s hand on his bicep and his eyes opened at a comfortable pace,   
“Hey, you alright?” PJ asked, “You were muttering something I couldn’t quite understand,”   
“Yeah, I’m alright. Phil and I had a long night,”   
“Mmm… Dan told me when he called, has he been gone long?”  
“Nah, I don’t think so. Is Phil still sleep?” Chris asked, standing up and stretching with a massive yawn,   
“I’m pretty sure he’s in the shower,” PJ pointed in the general direction of the bathroom. “Are you sure you’re okay?”   
“I’m a little scattered right now,” Chris rubbed the sleep from his eyes, “I’m fine though.”   
“If you’re sure…” PJ’s voice dripped with scepticism. The bathroom door swung open, interrupting their brief conversation, revealing Phil wearing a pair of clean dark jeans and no shirt, showing the majority of his bruising. He wiped the lenses of his glasses on his pants, clearing them of the fog from inside the bathroom. PJ’s jaw fell open and his vision darted from one bruise to the next on Phil’s body,   
“Oh my god, Phil. I thought that Dan was exaggerating…” PJ said, earning quick jab from Chris.   
“Yeah… I couldn’t get my shirt on,” Phil said, wiggling the green and white top dangling from a couple of his fingers,   
“Want some help?” Chris asked. Phil shook his head, loosening a few of the wet strands of hair stuck to his forehead, and moved off into his room. Chris quickly looked across to PJ with a shrug before following Phil into his bedroom and leaving PJ alone in the living room. 

“Phil, I think you need a little help,” Chris said entering Phil’s room to the sight of him wincing in pain while attempting to get the shirt over his head,   
“I don’t need help getting dressed,” he laughed “it’s fine,” Phil claimed.   
“Come on, look at yourself,” Chris sounded stern, “It’s okay to need some help, Phil. You’ve been through enough to know that.”   
“I know, I know….” Phil breathed, “It’s just something that I’d prefer not to need help with…”   
“Obviously not,” Chris laughed, taking the shirt from his hand and making an attempt to flip it the right way out, “but I don’t think PJ could look at those bruises anymore,”   
“Yeah… Are they really that bad?” Phil looked down at the clashing of the purple and green-black bruises against his pale white skin. Chris brushed the back of his fingers against the bruises on Phil’s ribs, Phil flinched slightly and Chris took his hand away as fast as he could,   
“Sorry…” Chris apologised,   
“No, your hands are just cold,” Phil laughed, “you didn’t hurt me,” he continued.   
“They really do look pretty bad,” Chris gave a sympathetic smile, “Has Dan seen all of them?”   
“He’s seen my face and my ribs, that’s about it,”   
“What about your legs?” Chris asked, realising he was still holding Phil’s shirt. Phil shook his head and Chris took Phil’s arm in his spare hand, feeding it through the first of the shirt’s sleeves.   
“I’m just going to cover my body 24/7 until I’m all healed again,” Phil joked, as Chris helped his other arm into the second sleeve,   
“Good luck with that, it’s not like Dan has a sex drive or anything,” Chris laughed,   
“No, no. Not at all,” Phil’s voice dripped with sarcasm. Chris slid the shirt up Phil’s arms and bunched the entire backing of the shirt up in his hands and put the hole over Phil’s head before pulling it down over the rest of his torso and straightening it out.   
“Good?” Chris asked,   
“Yeah, thanks…” Phil smiled and Chris laughed,   
“Good, because I’m not too keen to try again with another shirt.”   
“Not to mention that you’d have to take this one off me as well,” he taunted with a smile,   
“You’d enjoy that a little too much,” Chris teased,   
“I would, actually,” Phil smirked. Chris bit his lip with a smile, wishing it were Phil’s teeth instead of his own. Chris took another step closer to him. Phil was flirting, it was probably a joke, a game of chicken, and if it was, he was going to win. That was his excuse anyway.   
“How does your lip feel?” Chris asked, close to Phil’s face,   
“It’s not too bad, surprisingly,” Phil’s voice was low and sensual,   
“Is that s-” Chris started but was cut off by Phil’s lips gently grazing his own, the material of the stitches tickling his lips. 

Phil pressed his lips carefully to Chris’s. He didn’t know what had come over him, but for some reason it was all he wanted. It was hot. Phil felt Chris pull away before he opened his mouth to speak,   
“So, um… I take it that that didn’t hurt?” Chris said awkwardly. Phil shook his head, he could tell Chris was fighting the urge to kiss him again,   
“Just do it.”   
“What?” Chris asked in shock,   
“Whatever you want,” Phil winked, Chris swallowed hard and shook his head.   
“I can’t, Phil…” Chris whispered. Phil turned away slightly, of course Chris was going to say no. Chris was his friend. Chris was Dan’s friend. Why did he even want it in the first place? Phil loved Dan with his whole heart, he wanted nothing more than for him to be loved and happy, and Phil knew that if Dan had been behaving how he was now, he himself would be heartbroken. Phil’s thoughts were suddenly interrupted by Chris’s cold and shaking hand on his unbruised cheek, turning his head back to face him. Chris’s face grew closer and closer until his lips met Phil’s once more; Phil’s lips turned into a smile as Chris deepened the kiss. Phil held Chris’s face in his hand as Chris let out a small breath of air like a quiet moan and Phil took the opportunity to slip his in tongue into his mouth. Their tongues fought for dominance and after a moment or two, Phil was in control and Chris could feel his manhood hardening, and something within him trembling. Chris pulled Phil closer to him, careful not to hit the delicate, injured parts of his body. Phil felt the bulge in Chris’s pants press against his upper thigh and he liked it; he felt powerful and in control, a feeling he’d lacked since he was attacked. He pressed himself against Chris’s groin and kissed him harder; it hurt his lip but he didn’t care. Phil let out a light moan, begging for more, and Chris provided by releasing Phil’s lips from his own and leaning down to kiss his neck instead, following the curve of the choker tattoo. Phil felt his leg shake beneath him and this time he let out a louder moan of pleasure,   
“Chris, kiss me…” Phil whispered hoarsely, and his friend eagerly obeyed, smashing his mouth against Phil’s once more. Phil felt the pain spreading through his mouth and jaw, but he pressed on despite the soreness, his tongue dancing with Chris’s, their breathing in sync. Chris felt Phil’s hand roam down his back and stop at his hip, slipping his thumb between his skin and the fabric of his waistband while Phil’s second hand slinked down Chris’s body from the collar of his shirt and into his back pocket, squeezing his ass as he continued to kiss him. Chris let out a desperate sigh and Phil quickly snatched his lips back up in his own and suddenly,   
“H-HEM,” PJ loudly and deliberately cleared his throat as he stood in the doorway of the bedroom, “What the HELL are you doing?!” Phil pushed Chris away from himself in shock. Chris held his hand up to his face, covering his mouth,   
“PJ, look…” Chris started to explain hopelessly,   
“No. No! What the hell Chris?! What the FUCK, PHIL?!” PJ raised his voice, infuriated, confused and shocked.   
“Oh my god…” Phil looked down, “Oh my god…”   
“Yes, Phil! Oh my god!” PJ repeated,   
“I didn’t…”   
“Oh no. You did,” PJ’s voice was filled accusation and disgust. “How could you? How could you do this to Dan?!”   
“Peej, we were… it was…” Chris tried,   
“No, Chris. Shut up. Actually, get out. Get out! Now!” PJ demanded, angrily pointing out the door as Chris obeyed before turning to Phil, “What on earth do you think you’re doing?!”


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“PJ, I…” Phil wanted to tell him something, ANYTHING, that would justify what had just happened but he didn’t have an excuse. He didn’t have anything. “I’ve got nothing…”   
“I know you- I know you’ve been through a lot, Phil,” he began, “but you can’t start acting out like this… It isn’t fair… What if Dan had walked in instead of me?”   
“I know… I don’t know what’s come over me,” Phil felt knots tying in his stomach,   
“What’s going on? What’s going through your head, Phil, because this needs to stop?” PJ asked, shaking his head,   
“I don’t know…”   
“Is this the first time this has happened?” PJ hoped the answer would be yes,   
“No,” Phil said and PJ sighed, “We kissed in the hospital, just once. It was all me.”   
“If I tell you what I think, do you promise not to get angry with me?”   
“I promise…” Phil nodded,   
“I think that you’re behaving like this because you’re using it to cope with what’s happened to you. It’s only been when Dan hasn’t been here for you, right?” PJ sat Phil down,   
“Right,”   
“Well, Chris is closest to you right after Dan, is he not?” PJ asked. Phil nodded and looked down at his knees as he sat on the bed, “Maybe you’re just projecting? I don’t know. I’m not an expert. Maybe you should see someone though, someone that won’t shove their tongue down your throat. Seriously, Phil… this would break Dan’s heart.”   
“I’m sorry…” Phil sniffled, “I don’t want to hurt Dan. I love him so much…”   
“Then act like it. When you’re ready, you can come and join me in the living room,” PJ said turning his back on Phil and leaving him alone in the bedroom. 

Phil felt his heart lurch in his chest just thinking about what Dan’s reaction would have been if he’d seen what had happened. He felt the warmth in his face build into a heat that could probably have cooked an egg and his head started to hurt. He blinked back the tears but the bruising around his eye hurt too much to allow him to continue and the hot tears fell. He was a horrible person. He was the worst person on this earth. Dan didn’t deserve this. Dan deserved so much better. The pale underside of Phil’s arms suddenly felt itchy and his entire body grew fidgety. He wanted to scream. He violently threw himself back onto his bed. What the hell was wrong with him?! Phil heard a sigh come from the doorway and he sat up, his eyes red, puffy and tear-stained,   
“Come on, Phil…” PJ’s voice was a lot calmer now and Phil felt the bed shift under PJ’s weight as he sat down beside him, “Come here,” PJ continued. Phil sat up for a moment, almost instantly burying his face in his hands,   
“I’m an idiot…” Phil cried to his friend, feeling PJ’s hand on his back,   
“Only a little,” PJ said, “but I understand your state of mind at the moment. I’m sorry I went off at you before,”   
“I deserved it. I needed it.”   
“What was going through your mind, Phil?” PJ asked, pulling him in for a side hug,   
“I don’t know…” Phil confessed, unable to put together a clear thought about the experience,   
“Do you have feelings for Chris?”   
“I don’t love him. I love Dan…” Phil sobbed. Phil looked up to PJ, setting his sights directly on his eyes, “Is Dan going to hate me?”   
“I don’t think he could hate you,” PJ shook his head, “I think he’ll just be very hurt and…”   
“And he’ll never know,” Phil said quite seriously. “Right, Peej?”   
“I don’t think…”   
“PJ, Dan can’t know,” Phil shook his head, “It’ll destroy him.”  
“You can’t lie to him, Phil. That’s not okay,” PJ disagreed,   
“If Dan finds out…” he looked down and pulled himself gently away from PJ, “I’ll kill myself.”

Dan entered the flat, greeted with a lack of sound; complete silence. He placed his wallet and keys down and wandered into the kitchen, then the living room and there was no signs of anyone else in the house. His appointment had gone about as well as it could have, it was awkward and unfamiliar, he’d probably go as far as to say unpleasant. The doctor had explained that his results would be prioritised and he’d get a call the next day with the results; Dan was a little scared. He tip-toed through to Phil’s bedroom and stopped at the door before walking in to find Phil and PJ sitting on the bed, Phil’s eyes bloodshot and distended.   
“What… what happened?” Dan rushed to Phil’s side and enveloped him in a hug, “Are you okay, baby?” Dan felt Phil nod and he pulled from the hug, keeping his hands on Phil’s arms,   
“Just an emotional day…” Phil told him, and Dan pecked his cheek with a kiss. Dan felt PJ’s hand on his shoulder and Dan stood up to greet him, though before he could speak PJ led him from the room.   
“Peej, what happened?” he asked his friend, “And where’s Chris?”   
“Dan… I’m really scared right now and I don’t know what to do or what to tell you…” PJ spoke honestly, restraining the panic attack that he could feel building within him and the tears welling in his eyes,   
“What’s wrong? Are you okay? What’s going on?” Dan asked in a flustered, anxious state,   
“I sent Chris home. I screamed at him. He’s gone…” PJ breathed,   
“Okay… that’s okay, that’s fine…” Dan slowed down, “Don’t worry about that at all,”  
“Phil and… and then… Chris… now I… then Phil… he… I’m freaking out, Dan!” PJ whispered his exclamation.   
“Calm down, just tell me what happened…” Dan said, watching PJ struggle to prevent his hyperventilation and his legs wobbling,   
“I feel sick,”   
“That’s okay, you’re okay,” Dan told him, “Everything’s okay.”  
“No… it’s not okay…”   
“Can you tell me what happened, Peej?”   
“I can’t!” PJ blubbered as the tears finally escaped from his eyes and he leant himself against the wall for support.   
“Why not?” Dan asked, trying to keep PJ from falling to the floor,   
“He’ll… Phil will kill himself…” PJ slumped to the floor.   
“What?!” Dan immediately forgot about prying into what had happened and leaned down to help PJ, whom waved him away. Dan nodded to him and ran in to Phil’s room where he found him standing over the bedside table. Phil whipped around kicked the drawer shut, facing Dan.  
“Phil!” Dan stopped right in front of him and grabbed his hands, “Don’t you dare even THINK about…”   
“Did PJ tell you?” Phil said in the softest, most delicate voice, “Because I-”  
“He said you said you were going to kill yourself if… I don’t know why! But Phil, you can’t do that!” Dan screamed hysterically, “Phil, I love you too much to let you do that!”   
“I’m sorry…” Phil felt nauseous and dizzy,   
“Phil, what happened?” Dan put his hand on Phil’s shoulder,   
“I fucked up, Dan…” Phil said, swaying a little. “I…”   
“You’re okay, Phil… We all make mistakes,” Dan planted his hands on Phil’s hips,   
“Chris and I…” Dan watched Phil's lips as he spoke, “we kissed.”


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

All Phil remembered after he told Dan the truth was Dan removing his hands from his body and leaving the room without a word. Within thirty seconds he’d heard the front door slam, and after that? Nothing. He felt a wave of vertigo and suddenly everything was moving, and then everything went black. PJ heard the slam of the door followed by a loud bang come from the bedroom and felt the floor shake. He picked himself up off the floor and bolted into the bedroom, before throwing himself to the ground and tapping Phil’s face to wake him up. He called his name at least a dozen times before shoving his hand into Phil’s front pocket and pulling out his phone. Did Dan do something to hurt him?! What the hell had happened?! PJ dialled for an ambulance before tossing the phone onto the floor again and trying to get a response from Phil. After 2 minutes, PJ didn’t know what to do any more and he picked up the phone again, calling Dan as tears fell from his piercing eyes,   
“Phil, I’m busy right now,” Dan’s harsh voice ran through the phone. PJ was just glad he’d picked up,   
“No, no, Dan. It’s PJ, Phil’s not… he’s not waking up!” PJ practically yelled into the phone,   
“What do you mean he’s not waking up? I’ve been gone for less than 5 minutes, what the fuck happened?!” Dan turned where he stood and started to run back to the flat,   
“I don’t know! He just fainted or something and now he’s not waking up and I don’t know what to do!”   
“I’m coming home now,” PJ heard Dan’s footsteps running on the ground and with that the call was ended. Minutes later, Dan burst through the door just as the paramedics were leaving with a still unresponsive Phil, PJ ran up and wrapped his arms around Dan, still sobbing.   
“I’m so sorry, I couldn’t… I didn’t know what to do,” PJ wiped the tears from his face,   
“No, no… It’s okay… There’s nothing else you could have done…” Dan breathed in deep, using every muscle in his body to keep himself calm. “What happened, do we know yet?”   
“Nope…” PJ shook his head, “Are you gonna go with the ambulance?”   
“Yeah, are you going to be okay?” Dan asked and PJ nodded.   
“I heard Phil tell you the truth before you left… Where were you going?”  
“To Chris’s,” Dan told him, “I probably would have killed him if you hadn’t of called…”   
“But it wasn’t just Chris, Dan,” PJ told him, “Phil was a part of that too,”   
“I know… but Phil’s confused and probably didn’t know what he was doing, and he’s going through a lot and I could tell he was sorry…” Dan tried to justify.   
“So you’re not hurt at all?” PJ questioned sceptically,   
“I am…” Dan hung his head, “But I can’t believe that Phil would want to hurt me, not after everything…”   
“Yeah, I guess. He did say that if you found out… he’d kill himself because he couldn’t bear to hurt you…” PJ shrugged.   
“Wait.” Dan realised, “You don’t think that- you don’t think that he did something to himself before he told me, do you?” 

Phil had been laying in the hospital bed for over an hour when he finally woke up. He laid there alone, fretting to himself. Worrying that Dan would never come back to him, worrying that he’d messed up everything up for good, and worrying that Dan was so hurt by his actions that he’d never recover. He didn’t know how he’d gotten to the hospital or how long he’d been there, but when he asked, the nurse assured him that he’d had no visitors. He tried to roll over but his stomach hurt a lot more than he’d anticipated, and he ribs felt as though he’d been hit by a truck. He gasped in pain and tried to shuffle himself into a position that didn’t hurt,   
“They had to pump your stomach,” a familiar voice drifted from the door, “because apparently you took such a high dose of some medication that I can’t even pronounce that you would have died if PJ hadn’t been in the flat.” Phil craned his head and was met with the sight of Dan walking toward him,   
“I’m sorry…” Phil really meant the words he spoke, but Dan wasn’t all too sure,   
“Are you? Are you really?”   
“I’m just full of terrible ideas today…” Phil felt a build-up of phlegm in his throat and forced a cough to dislodge it. He covered his mouth with his hand as he coughed and felt the pain throughout his torso,   
“Oh my god…” Dan spoke. “It’s blood.” Phil looked down at his hand and saw the splutter of blood on his hand, “I’m going to get a doctor or something!” Dan pivoted and left the room. A few moments later he returned with a nurse and a doctor whom examined Phil’s conscious state some more and guaranteed the two of them that it was perfectly normal and that Phil was not, in fact, going to die. 

Once they were alone again, Dan grabbed Phil’s hand in both of his own and kissed his fingers.   
“I’m sorry that you went through all that the other night and I wasn’t there for you,” Dan breathed, “I know that contributed to whatever happened with Chris. He shouldn’t have let it happen,”   
“It was me, Dan… Not Chris,” Phil refused to let Chris cop the blame for the entire thing,   
“I know. I know… You’re not well, Phil. Look at what you’ve done to yourself,” Dan gestured to hospital room, “that’s a clear indicator that you’re not yourself because you, Phil, you are pure goodness.”   
“I don’t think I’m the person you think I am…” Phil said coldly, “I think I’m a horrible person. I think I keep doing awful things and then you or someone else comes up with an excuse for me and I get away with it,”   
“Phil, they’re not excuses… you’re really fucking messed up right now, I should know, I was pretty fucked up not too long ago, remember?”   
“I know, but you never did anything like this… Why are you being so nice to me, Dan? I don’t deserve this…” Phil sighed deeply and Dan went quiet for a moment.   
“I am hurt, Phil,” Dan’s voice sounded guilty, so guilty, and Phil looked up to listen to whatever it was he was about to say, “But I did do something like this, and I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry,” Phil was silent. He felt his heart beat faster within his chest,   
“You… you did cheat on me,” Phil said, “It was with that girl, wasn’t it? You lied to me!”   
“Phil, it would have killed you if I’d told you the truth!” Dan tried to explain, “I only saw her three times, and we only slept together once!”   
“You… you slept with her?” Phil choked on his words, “And you let me- you let me think that I was overreacting and, and…”   
“I’m sorry! You and I… we weren’t having sex then, and it was just… it wasn’t-”  
“It wasn’t enough for you? I wasn’t enough for you?” Phil questioned.   
“That’s not it…” Dan grabbed Phil’s hand again, “You’re far from inadequate; it was me. It was all me, Phil.”   
“I can’t believe you would do that…”   
“You did it too! With Chris! Our friend! MY friend!” Dan exclaimed, tears in his eyes,   
“…I’m sorry,” Phil squeaked,   
“So am I…” Dan bit his lip, “I’m so sorry that I kept it from you.”   
“Do you love me?” Phil asked, “After what you did with… her, and after I kissed Chris?”  
“Of course I love you…” Dan kissed Phil’s cheek, “I’m so sorry…”  
“I’m not myself, am I? You were right when you said I’m not myself…” Phil uttered, “Because all I can think about right now is fucking you despite how hurt and angry I am,”   
“Phil, you’ve never… you’ve never phrased it so vulgarly before,” Dan was shocked by Phil’s language,   
“And you’ve never told me the truth about what happened with that girl before,” Phil retorted, “I guess today’s all about trying new things within our relationship, huh?”   
“Please don’t be like that, Phil. You fucked up too,” Dan’s dejected face turned from him,   
“We both screwed up, but only one of us screwed someone else,” Phil sneered.   
“Are you just going to be a complete jerk to me now? I broke it off with her, it was months ago, Phil. Chris was today. If you weren’t in the physical state you’re in now, you’d have fucked him.”   
“Sucked him off, maybe… but I wouldn’t have fucked him,” Phil joked, earning a laugh from Dan.   
“I have a proposition,” Dan stated,   
“Yeah?” Phil looked at him and felt the anger slowly draining from his body,   
“Either we agree not to kiss or sleep with anyone other than each other,” Dan began, “Or we agree to break up.”


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

No. No. No, no, no, no, no. No. They couldn’t break up. They couldn’t go back to being just friends, not after all they’d been through. Phil couldn’t face losing his best friend. He couldn’t face living a life without Dan. Of course he never wanted to be with any other person again, never again, Dan was incentive enough but this… this threw everything into perspective.   
“Dan, can I see your house key?” Phil asked purposefully, throwing Dan off entirely,   
“What does that have to do with what I just-” Dan was cut off,   
“Can I see your flat key, please?” Phil repeated, his tone unwavering. Dan, confused, reached into his pocket and pulled out the lone key from his back pocket and placed the ribbed piece of metal into Phil’s hand,   
“Okay, tell me, is this your way of telling me you don’t want to come back to the flat?” Dan asked. It was a weird way to go about kicking him out, but as previously established, Dan knew Phil wasn’t himself. Dan watched as Phil shook his head, “Alright then… I’m going to go call Peej and tell him you’re alive. You really had he freaked out. Think about my proposition, yeah?” Dan exited the room and walked down the hall to a small space with a few little lounge chairs, a vending machine and a coffee machine, he settled himself in one of the off-coloured arm chairs and dialled his friend.   
“Hey, is Phil alright?” PJ asked immediately after answering his phone,   
“Yeah, yeah… he’s going to be fine,”  
“How are you doing?”   
“I’m okay,” Dan breathed, “I think I just sort of, propositioned Phil,”   
“You think or you did?” PJ asked for clarification,   
“I did.”   
“What did you propose?” he asked Dan, hearing some loud noises in the background.   
“Either we’re exclusive and agree not to do anything with anyone else or,” Dan paused, “or we just break up.”   
“What did he say?” PJ pressed the phone harder against his face,   
“Nothing yet, he just asked to see my flat key?”   
“What the hell?”   
“I don’t know?! I mean, that’s a little weird, even for him. I asked if that meant he didn’t want me back at the flat and he said no, so I have no idea!” Dan explained as there was some loud commotion from one of the other hospital rooms, thankfully not Phil’s.   
“Maybe he’s lost it…” PJ said slowly,   
“No, he’s still got his,” Dan shook his head despite knowing PJ couldn’t see him,   
“Not his key, Dan. His mind…”   
“His mind’s still there, it’s just a little warped,” Dan mumbled, JUST coherently enough for PJ to understand. 

Dan wandered back into the hospital room and planted himself by Phil’s side. He was hurt and he was scared, confused and worried, jealous and angry. He was impressed by the fact that Phil had confessed so quickly, and he was appreciative of the fact that Phil hadn’t bit his head off when he, too, confessed to cheating, however delayed the truth was. Phil seemed to be a little more himself he spoke to the nurse, almost chipper. Phil still hadn’t given Dan an answer, even after they’d sat together for over an hour and a half. Dan almost found himself pointing out the lack of conversation, but perhaps Phil was still processing, still recovering from Dan’s bombshell, still thinking about Dan’s proposition. Dan shuffled himself, changing his position on the chair, causing Phil’s sight to draw to him,   
“I’m gonna go to the bathroom, then I’ll come back and we’ll talk properly before I go home, okay?” Dan stood up and stroked Phil’s fingers gingerly with his own as he walked away. When he returned, Dan stroked Phil’s black hair and readjusted his glasses before opening his own mouth to speak,   
“Can we talk about it?” Dan asked, aware that Phil knew exactly what he was talking about,   
“Okay,” Phil nodded, his voice a little hoarse,   
“I promise that if you want us to stay together, you’ll be the only person I think about. The only person I’ll ever kiss, touch… everything, the only person that I’ll want, will be, as is now, you,” Dan somehow managed to string the sentence together. Phil opened his hand and reached out for him, Dan leaned down, careful not to put too much pressure on Phil’s damaged body, and hugged him, earning a kiss on the cheek.   
“Me too,” Phil whispered into Dan’s ear as he pulled up again, “Please don’t leave me…” Dan let out a colossal sigh of relief and leaned down to kiss Phil with the largest grin he’d ever grinned.   
“I love you so much, Phil. I don’t know what you would have done if you’d said you’d rather be with other people…” Dan breathed on Phil’s neck before kissing the side of his jaw,   
“I love you more than I’ve loved anything or anyone on the earth,” Phil felt a ping through his heart, triggering a single cold tear to run down his face only to be kissed away into nothingness by Dan’s lips a second later.   
“This is horrible timing, and I’m sorry, but I have to go…” Dan said, pointing at the clock on the white wall,   
“You can go now that I know you still love me,” Phil smiled to him,   
“Can I have my key back so I can actually get into the flat?” Dan laughed, and Phil looked away.   
“You can take my key…” Phil spoke quietly,   
“Where’s my key, Phil?” Dan’s eyes widened as he used his facial expression to force the truth from Phil’s lips.   
“…I swallowed it.”   
“Excuse me?” Dan was taken aback. Was he joking? Was this a joke? Dan expected Phil to laugh and then hand over the key, but he wasn’t doing or saying a thing.   
“I swallowed it, Dan. I swallowed your key…” Phil repeated,   
“What the hell?! What are you talking about?! Why?! Why would you do that?!” Dan demanded, not angry, just confused and concerned. Did he really swallow the fucking key? Was he really so desperate to hurt himself that he’d swallow Dan’s key? He took a breath and calmed his tone, “You didn’t, did you? Are you fucking with me?”   
“I did,” Phil looked him straight in the eye, “I’m not joking,”   
“What the hell is wrong with you?! Are you okay?! Should I get the doctor?! What on earth made you do that?!” Dan raised his voice in panic.   
“I swallowed your house key, Dan,” Phil said again, Dan noted how calm Phil was and decided to emulate that instead of his own feelings of worry, “I swallowed it… because I couldn’t stomach the thought of living without you.”


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

Room 204, nope. Room 206, nope. Room 208, yep, that was what he was looking for. PJ rounded the corner into the private hospital room, holding his breath in hopes that he wouldn’t lay witness to some graphic scene. All that Dan had told him was to come to the hospital because something had happened with Phil. Again. He dragged his fingers along the drab, white wall and caught Dan’s eye. Dan’s hand was entangled with Phil’s, their fingers wrapping around one another comfortably while Dan stroked Phil’s hair as he slept. Dan rose slowly from his seat beside the bed, careful not to wake Phil and he detached himself from their hand’s embrace, stroking his hair one last time as he turned to greet PJ, walking him back out the door and into the hallway.   
“Is he alright? What happened?” PJ asked as Dan leaned against the wall of the hallway with a laugh,   
“You’re not going to believe this…” Dan held back a chuckle, “but, Phil had to have surgery,”   
“Surgery?! For what? What happened?”   
“He SWALLOWED MY FLAT KEY!” Dan let out his long held in laugh and shook his head, “and now it’s lodged in his intestines or something, I don’t remember,”   
“He… swallowed the key?” PJ repeated, confused as to why Dan was laughing when obviously it was such a serious situation, “What’s so funny?”  
“I asked him for my key back and he goes, ‘I swallowed it,’ and I was freaking out and I asked him why and get this, GET THIS, PJ,” Dan laughed some more, “he looked up at me and says… ‘I swallowed it… because I couldn’t stomach the thought of living without you.’”   
“Oh my god…” PJ smiled, constricting a laugh of his own, “Is he crazy?! That’s ridiculous!”   
“I know!”  
“I take it you’re not breaking up, then?” PJ giggled,   
“Nope, we’re still a thing. We’re gonna work on it and then it’ll be good,” PJ watched Dan smile at the thought of being with Phil and he knew that they were going to be alright. 

Phil stirred a little before opening his eyes and seeing Dan and his doctor talking at the end of his bed. Dan turned and noticed Phil’s open eyes and made his way to his side, kissing his cheek and moving back a little to smile at him. Phil reached out his hand and Dan immediately took it in one of his own and kissed each of his individual fingers,   
“They’re taking you for surgery now, okay?” Dan told him as the wardsman turned off the brakes on the hospital bed. Phil turned to him with an ever-loving look of adoration in his eye,   
“I love you, bear,” he whispered, “I’m sorry I ate your key.” Dan laughed,   
“You’re an idiot. I love you too,” Dan smiled, and with that the wardsman wheeled him out. Dan wandered back out to PJ, they’d agreed to get some lunch while Phil was in surgery, anticipating returning just as, or after, he woke up. The doctors assured Dan that it was only a short procedure and that there really wasn’t all too much to worry about,   
“I’ve performed this probably a thousand times on toddlers and young children, and yes, the odd adult,” the surgeon had assured him. Odd was right, Dan thought with a laugh. 

“I’m pretty sure aliens would take one look at you and actively decide to leave you here,” PJ argued with Dan over their chicken schnitzel lunches,   
“Why wouldn’t they abduct me? Where’s your reasoning?”   
“The only reasoning I need is that you said they wouldn’t abduct me. I’m far more interesting of a specimen than you,” PJ stuck out his tongue as Dan stuck his fork into his meal with a pout. PJ just laughed. Dan was so glad he still had one friend after what had happened. He was still so angry at Chris after what he’d done, he’d broken his trust and he’d broken his heart, almost stealing his Phil from him. Dan swallowed some of his salad and cleared his throat, looking up at PJ,   
“Have you spoken to Chris?” Dan finally asked,   
“I have,” PJ nodded, “Please don’t get upset at me, Dan. Chris is my friend and he’s going through some weird stuff too,”   
“But he…”   
“No buts. Dan, Chris is seriously struggling with some things that you’re completely oblivious to, and it’s not your fault that you don’t know what’s going on because you and Phil have been going through your own share of crap. He’s been really depressed, empty even, and to be honest with you, after things with Phil went down… it was the first time I’d seen him show any real emotion in a while,” PJ explained, Dan looked down at his plate and pushed some of the lettuce on his plate through his gravy. Dan had to admit that Chris had seemed a little off…   
“I didn’t know that… I didn’t even know he was into guys,” he cocked his head to the side,   
“He didn’t know either,” PJ raised an eyebrow, “He still doesn’t. He’s trying to work things out and he’s down two friends to help him with that, one of whom being the trigger for his questioning,”   
“You’re right… Shit, Peej,” Dan swallowed, “What do I do?” PJ shrugged,   
“I don’t know, you’ll figure it out, right now though I’d probably just stick to sorting things out with Phil,”   
“Yeah…” Dan sighed, “You gonna head home?” PJ nodded and took off after saying goodbye and leaving Dan to walk back up to the hospital by himself. 

After a week or so in bed, an second week to recuperate further by lazing around the flat and taking advantage of Dan being both willing and able to take care of him, Phil was feeling a lot better. He was even able to both dress and undress himself, much to Dan’s disappointment. Dan, though he hadn’t exactly told Phil in as many words, had strongly given Phil the idea that he was essentially forbidden from seeing, talking to, or even thinking about, Chris. Phil wanted to contact him, he wanted to at least talk about what had happened; He and Dan hadn’t discussed it since the hospital, but there was a tugging feeling in his gut telling him that he had to talk to Chris, even just once… but he couldn’t. He couldn’t lose Dan over a conversation. Dan, on the other hand, had tried to call Chris a dozen times – apparently PJ had told him about Dan’s initial reaction, and for that he couldn’t blame Chris for not wanting to talk to him. Dan just couldn’t think of what to say anyway. What would he have said if Chris had answered? PJ had told him to give it time, but how much? And what Phil still worrying about this? Did Phil even want to be friends with Chris after what happened? What did Phil even want? Dan had no idea, and Phil wasn’t going to just come out and tell him. It was weird, it was complicated, and it was messy. 

“Phil,” Dan began to ask, folding his clothes before he put them away, “Have you thought about Chris at all?” Phil sat up from Dan’s bed and looked at him. What was he expected to say? He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about him. Was it a set up for an argument?   
“Well, yeah… He’s my friend,” Phil told him, waiting for Dan to snap at him,   
“Have you spoken to him since… you know?” Dan pried further. Phil shook his head and let his body drop back onto the bed, back first. “How come?”   
“Because I thought you didn’t want me to…? Why?” Phil queried, looking up the clean ceiling.   
“No reason, it was just on my mind. I’ve been trying call him but he hasn’t answered in a couple weeks,” Dan said, shoving a pile of his underwear in one of his drawers,   
“You’ve tried to talk to him?” Phil asked, genuinely surprised,   
“Yeah… I wanted to make sure he’s okay,” he breathed, “You don’t have to ignore or avoid him or anything just because of me…”   
“Are you sure? I mean, I’d hate it if you and that girl…”   
“Jade,” Dan finally put a name to her,   
“If you and Jade,” Phil continued, “were to continue seeing each other, I would be devastated…”   
“That would be different, Phil. Jade meant nothing to me. Chris is your friend. I’m trying not to be a jerk here, so please, just don’t question this, okay?” Dan’s eyes and slight smile begged. Phil nodded and mouthed a ‘thank you’ before Dan laid down beside him, tugging on his fingers and biting gently on his neck while Phil struggled in a botched attempt to pretend he hated it. Dan licked Phil’s ear and felt the goose bumps rise from his flesh as he giggled and struggled against Dan’s playful grasp,   
“Can I do dirty things to you?” Dan whispered seductively into Phil’s ear as he straddled him, pinning Phil to the bed. Phil eagerly nodded and Dan slid down his hypersensitive body and began to unzip his pants,   
“Dan,” Phil giggled, “I’m not even hard yet…” Dan poked his tongue out at him and continued,   
“I know. I want to make you hard. It’s been a while since we’ve done anything and so I think you should just shut your mouth while I use mine,” and within seconds Phil could feel himself growing harder and harder as Dan kissed his inner thigh before moving up and kissing the base of Phil’s semi-erect cock while cupping his balls gently in one hand. Dan wrapped his wet lips around Phil’s ever-growing cock and sucked, feeling him throb and grow harder and harder in his mouth. He loved it. He loved knowing that Phil was once again aroused solely by him. Phil’s legs twitched as Dan tasted his pre-cum and wrapped his arm around one of Phil’s legs, intensifying the blow job that Dan was concentrating so hard on. Phil left Dan’s tongue stroking his member as his lips brought him closer and closer to orgasm, he let out a loud moan and,   
“Dan, Dan… stop, I’m going to…” Dan stopped and looked up at Phil with an amused grin before continuing with a giggle and a nod from Phil. He bobbed his head furiously in Phil’s lap, listening to the breaths, the sighs, the moans from his boyfriend. Phil’s body tensed once more, Dan could tell he was trying not to come as he practically choked on Phil’s large dick. Phil let out a loud moan and his breathing quickened as an ecstatic Dan felt Phil’s load shoot down the back of his throat and Phil’s trembling voice let a single syllable, “Chris…”


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

PJ knocked on the wooden door for about the fifth time before giving up and letting himself into Chris’s place. It was quiet and empty. Chris hadn’t answered his calls for four days, and PJ would have come to check on him sooner, but for a little while he thought that Chris might have just needed some space after… what happened. PJ searched the house for Chris, but it was as empty as the milk carton left out on the kitchen bench. PJ called Chris one last time as he perched himself on the edge of Chris’s bed, hoping that he’d pick up and say something like, “Hey Peej, I’m fine! I’m on my way home from the shops, I ran out of milk!”… But that didn’t happen. Once again there was no answer. He let out a defeated sigh and stood to leave as he dialled on last time, he pressed the phone to his ear and begged the heavenly gods above to hear anything other than the droned ringing; and then he heard it. The Macarena. He had no idea what this meant or why, but it was something and it was coming from the kitchen. He almost ran into the kitchen and as he suspected, the song was coming from somewhere in that room. He flung open cupboards, rummaged through some of the Tupperware that Chris’s mum had insisted he’d take with him when he moved out, he threw the detergent and pest sprays under the sink onto the ground in search of the source of the sound. He stood up on the verge of admitting defeat when his eyes enveloped the vision of the white fridge before him. He opened the fridge violently enough that it could have ripped the door of its hinges if he were any less careful, and sitting on the second shelf was Chris’s phone. Ringing. PJ silenced it and looked at all of the missed calls. Most were from himself, there were about six from Dan and a single call from blocked number. PJ pushed the phone into his pocket and let himself out, locking the door on his way. Where the hell was he?

“What?” Dan pulled away, a look of shock mixed with hurt pained across his face, “You didn’t…”  
“No, no! Dan-” Phil was quickly cut off by Dan sitting back on his feet and looking like he was about to cry,   
“Phil… I can’t believe you,” Dan said, feeling his heart break in his chest, “I don’t-” this time Phil cut him off.   
“No, Dan,” Phil shushed as he pushed Dan off of him and struggled to pull his pants up from around his calves as he propelled himself from the bed and dragged Dan by the hand toward the doorway, “Chris is here!” Dan allowed Phil to drag him from the bed, revelling in the relief that Phil had not, thank god, been thinking about Chris while… He was just so relieved.   
“What do you mean?” Dan asked as Phil dragged him into the lounge room. Was Phil seeing things? Was he hallucinating? Had he completely lost his marbles?   
“I mean, Chris is here. Right now,” and with that, Phil stopped. The two of them stopped at the entrance to the lounge room as they laid their sights on their puffy-eyed friend, “Chris…”  
“I’m sorry for coming here…” Chris murmured as Dan rushed forward and seated him on the sofa.   
“No, no. Don’t be, are you okay?” He asked, shooting a look to Phil, demanding him to sit and join them. Chris shook his head as the tears started pouring,   
“No,” he cried, “I didn’t know where else to come, and I’m sorry for what happened… I’m so sorry…” Chris turned to Dan, “Dan, I shouldn’t have kissed Phil. You trusted us both. You trusted me, and I broke that trust. I’m so sorry.”   
“Chris, calm down. Don’t worry, alright? I forgive you, I really do, just as I forgive Phil, okay?” Dan rubbed his friends back with his hand, comforting him. Chris nodded ad heaved a breath before turning to Phil,   
“Phil… I took advantage of you. You were projecting whatever you were projecting and you were vulnerable and I…”   
“And you were too, Chris,” Dan interjected, remembering what PJ had told him the day of Phil’s surgery, Chris just nodded again, feeling as though he were about to implode.   
“I’m so sorry, Phil… I shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have let it happen,” Chris sobbed into his hands, “I’m an awful person.” Phil remained silent.   
“You’re not an awful person,” Dan stated with a sigh, “I promise you.”   
“I’ve really fucked everything up,” Chris cried. Dan gave Phil another look, urging him to do something, Phil didn’t know what to do to help, so he imitated Dan’s actions and placed his hand on Chris’s back. Chris looked up with wet, bloodshot eyes and Phil offered him a smile as Dan began rooting around in his pocket urgently. He whipped out his phone and nodded to Phil as he got up and walked around into his bedroom, answering the incoming call from PJ.   
“Hey, what’s up? I was gonna call you in a bit,” Dan said, quickly receiving a response from Peej,   
“I don’t know where Chris is. I’ve been calling him for day, and I finally came around to his place and it was empty and his phone was left in the fridge, and now I don’t know where he is!”   
“Okay, calm down. It’s OK. Chris is here. He’s in my living room with Phil right now, he’s okay,” Dan’s voice was deliberately calm and slow,   
“He… he is?” PJ didn’t sound as panicked anymore,   
“He is,” Dan affirmed, “He’s crying, but he’s okay and he’s breathing.” 

“I’m sorry if I messed things up with you and Dan…” Chris apologised as Dan left the room with his vibrating phone, feeling Phil’s hand gently stroking his back,   
“It wasn’t just you, remember. It was mostly me, and I’m sorry for that…” Phil told him, “I mean, I must’ve really confused you and-” Chris cut Phil off abruptly,   
“I told PJ I loved him.”   
“You… what?” Phil sat up and looked at Chris as he removed his face from his palms,   
“I told PJ that I love him…” Chris repeated, “I’m just so full of great ideas,” his voice ran sarcastically.   
“I know what you mean,” Phil gave him a slight smile, “I, for example, swallowed Dan’s house key out of fear for losing him,” Chris laughed,   
“That’s ridiculous,” he laughed. Phil nodded with a chuckle.   
“Do you really love him?” Phil brought the conversation back,   
“I do,” Chris breathed, relaxing a little. “PJ is very strictly into women though, and I knew that when I told him… but I did it anyway.”   
“How long ago was that?” Phil asked with an encouraging smile,   
“Four days ago,” he sighed, “Can I be really honest with you?”   
“Of course!”   
“I liked kissing you. I’d been freaking out and… and questioning things for a little while, and when you kissed me in the hospital… I knew it was like, right. For me. I was confused for a little bit, and I thought that maybe I had feelings for you, but, no. I knew- I know that it’s PJ. I know it made things weird, and strained things with you and Dan, and me and Dan, and you and me, but… It helped me clear my head and things just seemed to click and… I’m sorry, but also, thank you,” Chris bit his lip, “I really would like for us to be friends without it being weird, or without Dan worrying. I know it’ll take time, but if you’re willing t-”   
“Of course I want that too, Chris!” Phil interrupted him, “You’re one of my closest friends, I want nothing more than to have you back…”   
“Thank you,” Chris smiled, “it means a lot, especially since I haven’t spoken to my supposed best friend in four days and have probably ruined everything there,”  
“Speaking of which,” Dan’s voice projected as he entered the room, “Peej told me what happened and he’d really appreciate if you’d let him talk to you. He cares about you, he’s not going to judge you or hate you because of your feelings… I didn’t hate Phil when he told me he had feelings for me…”   
“That’s different,” Chris said,   
“No, it wasn’t actually,” Phil pointed out, “Dan hadn’t mentioned anything about guys for years, I was certain that he was completely straight. After he found out how I felt about him, he was still my best friend,” Dan nodded in agreement,   
“And we all know that this is just another of the many scenarios that PJ would handle better than I would,” Dan laughed. Chris nodded. He had to admit that they were right, but the anxious knots in his stomach dreaded any contact with PJ ever again,   
“I’m a little scared. I don’t think I can face him,” Chris admitted, tugging on the hem of his shirt,   
“You don’t have to do it right away,” Phil slinked his arm around Chris’s waist and Dan had to bite the inside of his cheek to avoid saying or doing anything he’d regret later, “Just give yourself some time.”


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

Dan sniffled a few times and wiped his eyes as he kicked the bottom of his duvet up and underneath his feet as he wiggled to get comfortable in bed, waiting for Phil to come in and join him,   
“Are you crying?” Phil looked at him with soft eyes, “What’s the matter baby bear?” Phil removed his clothes completely and crawled up the sheets from the end of the bed and hovered his face over Dan’s. Dan giggled,   
“I was just thinking about my life before you,” he whispered as Phil kissed his nose,   
“You’re lying,” Phil stuck his tongue out, “You’re still recovering from that weird movie you made me watch, aren’t you?” Dan nodded, “It wasn’t even in English!” Phil laughed.   
“It was still heart breaking!”   
“Is your heart broken?” Phil pouted at Dan, teasing him. Dan threw the covers over his head and buried himself in the bed clothes. Phil flung the covers up and pounced on Dan, dotting his flesh with little kisses,   
“I love your body,” Phil purred, peppering more kisses along Dan’s collar bone, thankful that he was wearing nothing but his boxers to bed, “You want to know what my favourite part is?”   
“I think I can guess,” Dan giggled,   
“Mmm… that too, but I’m talking about your cute little mole,” Phil kissed his neck, “You know the one… on your inner thigh,” Phil ran his hand down Dan’s stomach, brushing past his flaccid cock and sliding his hand between Dan’s legs and making little circles around his brown mole. Dan giggled as he felt Phil’s hand roam further, kissing Phil’s neck as he felt Phil’s perfect, and in Dan’s opinion, quite talented, finger circling his asshole, threatening to penetrate.   
“Phil…” Dan gasped as Phil fingered him for the first time in weeks,   
“Yes?” Phil’s low and sensual voice responded with a cheeky smirk before biting Dan’s shoulder and slipping another finger in, scissoring his fingers to stretch Dan’s opening.   
“Nothing, I was going to ask you to do just that…”   
“You are the incarnation of sexiness in human form,” Phil told him, listening to Dan’s moans and soft giggles. That was what Phil loved the most about Dan, his smile, especially when he giggled.   
“How long has it been since you fucked me?” Dan asked between passionate kisses, biting Phil’s lip before he could answer,   
“Too long.” Phil kissed him again, withdrawing his hand from Dan’s boxers and taking a moment to grab a condom from the bedside draw and to remove Dan’s underwear completely, admiring Dan’s now pulsating member as it quivered against the smooth, warm, skin of Dan’s stomach. 

Dan had a tendency to be loud in bed. Phil loved it. It turned him on like nothing else to be able to hear his best friend, his boyfriend, scream out his name, among some obscenities, in pleasure. Dan wriggled beneath him as the pleasure pulsed through his body, and Phil heard Dan’s voice shake as he screamed out his name,   
“Phil! PHIL! OH, GOD! FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, PHIL!” and with that, Phil felt the pressure build, the sensation heighten, and he knew he was close. “UH, PHIL… I’m…” Dan moaned and he felt his body tense before his hot ejaculate erupted onto his stomach, within seconds Phil’s body emulated Dan’s and he felt his cum shoot into the condom wrapped around his cock and he pulled out from Dan, whom let out a deep sigh of contentment as Phil removed the condom, tied it and tossed it to the waste paper bin they’d moved by the bed. Phil kissed the inside of Dan’s thighs, sucking the skin to leave little, and hidden love-bites between his legs, moving up to Dan’s suck the small trickle of cum that remained on Dan’s now semi-erect penis. Dan let out an audible “mmm,” as Phil licked the fluid that had pooled on Dan’s torso. Phil pulled himself up to Dan, planting a passionate kiss on his supple lips and allowing him to taste himself. Phil plopped himself down beside Dan’s panting form and turned his head to kiss Dan’s ear, toying with Dan’s earring with his tongue,   
“God, I’ve missed you,” Dan puffed,   
“You see me every day…” Phil whispered, closing his eyes as his snuggled into Phil’s body,   
“I mean I’ve missed your dick inside me,” he chuckled quietly.   
“I have noticed that you really, really like having me in you, whether it be your mouth or… butt,”  
“One of these days I will fuck you, Phil,” Dan closed his eyes and relaxed into Phil’s gentle grip on his body, “…and I’m gonna make you come so hard.” 

When Dan woke up, Phil wasn’t lying beside him. He flung his arm across the bed, expecting to hit the pale flesh of his lover, but was instead greeted with the cool side of one of Phil’s pillows. He opened his eyes and looked around the room, confused.   
“Phil?” Dan called out, reaching for his phone that was resting on the bedside table, “Phil?!” his hand wrapped around the phone and he pressed the little round button, lighting the screen up,   
“Had a doctor’s appointment, just getting results and follow-ups. Didn’t want to wake you, you looked so cute and tired. I love you. P.S. Look at your butt.” Dan sighed in relief and smiled a tiny smile to himself as he read through Phil’s message,   
“Text me when you have info. I love you more than anything else in the whole world. Why am I looking at my ass?” Dan hit send and climbed from the warm fortress that was the bed, secretly enjoying just standing there completely naked and walking to the bathroom, phone in hand, without getting dressed. He splashed some water on his face and admired how good his bed-hair looked in the mirror before turning around catching the reflection of his ass. There was a hickey and a fresh set of bite marks on his right butt-cheek. Phil must have gotten to him while he was still asleep, was he really such a deep sleeper? Dan laughed and pulled out his phone to text Phil again,   
“Never mind. I see it. Now all of my secret lovers will be so jealous!” 

Phil looked down at his phone, reading Dan’s reply and puffed a quiet laugh as he waited for the doctor to return with his results. He was a little worried, the second he walked into the room he suddenly regretted not having been more careful with Dan. The doctor strode in confidently and took a seat in front of the computer before opening his folder,   
“Phillip Lester,” he spoke, “That’s you?” Phil nodded and the doctor continued, “Alright then, I’ve got your results and your ribs are as god as healed! There’s still a little bruising, of course, but I’m confident that you should be all good in a short while. How are they feeling?”   
“They seem pretty good, I haven’t had much trouble the past few days,” Phil nodded, “Have we got the results back for the other test though?” his doctor nodded and flicked to the next page in his folder. 

Phil marched through the door to the flat toward the kitchen to grab a glass of water, he turned into the kitchen and stopped short with a silent gasp as he was suddenly grabbed from around the waist and he felt a warm breath on his neck before a sweet little kiss to his ear joined the equation. His smile beamed as he spun himself around and looked up into Dan’s deep, chocolate brown eyes. Dan bent down slightly to kiss him,   
“I missed you,” he giggled through a huge smile, “Are you gonna live?”   
“Yes,” Phil stopped laughing, “Except…”   
“Except?” Dan became serious and looked at Phil, feeling his heart sink in his chest. Watched Phil’s throat tighten as he tried to spit out a coherent sentence,   
“One of the tests came back positive…” Phil looked down and separated himself from Dan’s embrace,   
“What is it? What was it?” Dan’s eyes widened and he pushed Phil’s hair from his face as he began to speak,   
“Dan… I…”


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“Dan… I…” Phil began, watching the worry spread across Dan’s face, “I’m… I’m pregnant.”   
“PHIL!” Dan pushed Phil as they both erupted in laughter, “Oh my god! Why would you do that?! I thought it was something serious!” he continued to laugh. Phil wiped the tears from his eyes and stuck out his tongue,   
“I’m sorry! I couldn’t help it!” his grin was wide and Dan suddenly realised that this meant that everything was okay.   
“PHIL! PHIL! YOU’RE OKAY! AND I’M OKAY! WE’RE OKAY AND I LOVE YOU!” Dan exclaimed, Phil spun him around and planted a kiss on his lips,   
“We’re okay, and I love you too,” Phil whispered, pulling him in for a tight embrace, “We’re both okay and we’re both in love, and…”   
“And?” Dan ran his hands up and down Phil’s slender back,   
“And I want everyone to know.”   
“Phil… I know we haven’t talked about it,” Dan looked into Phil’s beautiful, begging eyes, “but we’ve sort of agreed to keep us a secret… Just our immediate family and a couple of our friends know,”   
“I know who knows, Dan,” Phil chuckled, “I want to come out. I wanna hold your hand in public, and I want to kiss you on camera, and I want to tweet about when you fall asleep in my arms…”   
“You know that I want that too… I don’t know how people will react to us though, and that scares me…”   
“I know, I know, baby bear, but I’ll be here for you the whole time, remember?” Phil held Dan’s hands in his own,   
“What about if we ever break up, or if something happens and you’re gone?”   
“It’ll be okay, because that’s not going to happen, and if, by some devastating chance, it does…” Phil brushed Dan’s hair back, “You’re a strong, and handsome, and incredible person. You don’t need me,”   
“I do need you…”   
“You won’t die without me, I’m not a need, I’m a want,” Phil smiled,   
“I might die without you…” Dan mumbled.   
“Don’t be like that,” Phil laughed, kissing Dan’s cheek, “everything will be okay!”   
“What about when I was younger and people called me names?” Dan asked pathetically,   
“That was 10 years ago, Dan…” Phil kissed his worried little nose.   
“It STARTED 10 years ago, I don’t want to be walking down the street and have people calling things out to me again,”   
“This will be different, I promise you. Bear, I promise…” Phil had finally convinced him and Dan nodded with a little smile,   
“Soon.” 

It had been a week after Phil had come home from the doctor’s with brilliant news and a great idea, and Dan was nervous. Admittedly, Phil was too, though he was busy pretending that he wasn’t in hopes of instilling come confidence in younger boyfriend. They’d spent hours, literal hours, sitting on Phil’s bed and filming the video that would out them to the world, and then they’d spent days editing it. And now they were about to upload it.   
“Phil, should we take out the bit where we-” Dan began to ask before Phil interrupted him,   
“No, it’s perfect. You’re nervous. Stop fidgeting, it’s going to be okay,” Phil kissed his slightly chapped lips before pulling apart and quickly licking his nose. Phil clicked to let the file upload and escorted Dan from the room so that he wouldn’t stare at the screen for the entirety of the time it took for the video to be posted. Then they tweeted. 

Amelia Grace Tamoore sat in her bedroom, petting her cat, Crabby, and thinking about the homework she’d been putting off for the last 2 hours. She picked up her phone and hit the Twitter icon that sat on the top row of her iPhone screen and pressed the little house ‘home’ icon about 4 times in a row so that her feed would refresh and saw the latest tweet from Phil Lester, her favourite person in the entire universe, followed by a near identical one beneath it from the boy she cyber-stalked periodically, Dan Howell. She squealed in excitement and hit the link leading to the YouTube video on Dan’s channel entitled, “Another big announcement!” and clicked play, hearing both Dan and Phil greeting the internet with a smile. She sat, and she listened as they spoke about how hard things had been for the two of them for the past year. Her heart went out to them, and for a moment, she was scared. She was scared that since they were telling the world that things had been hard and scary, that there had been visits to hospitals and isolation from loved ones meant that they were quitting YouTube. Her heart beat faster in her chest, they didn’t go into much detail, but she assumed that one of them was ill. Oh god… One of them was dying. It was cancer. It was going to be cancer. She just knew it! She held back tears and shook her head, checking that the video still had another minute and forty-five seconds to go,   
“Despite all of the horrible things that we’ve been through lately, and will still probably have to face because life is… well, life,” Dan spoke and Phil nodded solemnly, “we’re still here and we’re still standing and-”   
“Dan, you’re making it sound like we’re quitting YouTube! We’re not quitting anything! We’re still here! We’re okay!” Phil assured the camera and Dan laughed,   
“And that’s because, as I was saying, we’ve had each other. We have each other.” Dan looked over at Phil and Phil smiled his adorable smile and without any warning whatsoever, they kissed. They were kissing! Amelia held in a scream and covered her mouth with her hands, Phil’s hand brushed against Dan’s cheek and she swore she saw tongue! Dan and Phil were kissing!   
“We um… We’re in love. We’ve been together for a little under a year now and… I couldn’t go without telling everyone any longer…” Phil smiled brighter than he ever had before and Dan took his hand in his own and placed his free hand on Phil’s thigh,   
“So I guess that’s… that’s it,” Dan laughed, and Amelia watched as the happy couple said their goodbyes the video ended, and for a moment, she just sat in silence as the shock and awe processed.   
“I KNEW IT!” She screamed, logging onto Tumblr, “I FREAKING KNEW IT!”


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

Jesus. Fuck. No. It was uploaded. There were comments. People were tweeting. Retweet, after retweet, after retweet. Favourite, after like, after yet another retweet! There was a time when none of this would have phased Dan. None of this would have freaked him out then, but back then he had nothing to lose. Now he’d built himself a career, a following… what if that ruined everything? Of course he’d have Phil, and that’s all that really mattered, but he was still scared. He wanted to burry himself in the closet and hide under some coats, perhaps even stray deep enough to befriend Mr. Tumnus out by the lamp post over in Narnia, maybe even set up regular dates for tea, but he couldn’t. He’d promised Phil they could come up, and now it was too late. It was done. His phone had been ringing and going off for the last hour as it sat across the room, Dan on the other hand, was seated safely in Phil’s arms, too scared to touch the device. What if his other friends rejected him? What if his subscribers and fans thought that he wasn’t good enough for Phil? What if people called him out on the street? What if people were horrible to him about it? What if people called out, and were horrible to, PHIL?! He was shaking now, the thoughts and feelings becoming too much and threatening to erupt. He couldn’t even comprehend half of what was racing through his mind. Oh, god. His chest felt tight and his breathing became shallow and with each passing moment, got faster and faster. All he could feel was his pulse, the blood pumping viciously and quickly through his ears and suddenly things were fuzzy and he felt sick. Oh, god. Where was Phil? Why wasn’t Phil holding him anymore?! Phil? Phil?! PHIL?! He tried to look around, but everything was blurry, was he crying? Everything was getting darker around him and he felt himself choke on his own saliva. He felt his heart beating faster and faster and then a tiny sliver of light appeared and he felt a pressure on his face. In the distance he heard his name. He knew he was shaking, he could feel himself trembling. He heard his name again, getting closer. His muscles were tight and stiff, tensed and sore, but his limbs were limp at the same time. The voice calling his name was closer now. It was Phil. Phil wasn’t gone. He was hot, and then he was cold, mostly hot. He didn’t know. Sound slowly returned, ever so slowly, painfully slowly. And then he realised, once more, that he could barely breathe. He struggled for breath, but it was pointless, and then it all stopped. He was out. 

Phil held Dan tight as he shook, he was crying and hyperventilating when just moments ago, he seemed completely fine. He called out Dan’s name, over and over, but he couldn’t hear him. It felt like forever… Dan was freaking out, he was panicking. This was the worst panic attack Phil had ever seen him have. He was unresponsive to the world around him, and then as quickly as it had started, it stopped. He’d completely passed out. Phil held Dan’s body closer to his own, lightly rocking him in an attempt to calm the already unconscious boy and to wake him up. Nothing happened. No. No. No. This was all his fault. If Phil hadn’t of pushed him, Dan wouldn’t have panicked like this. Phil leant down and kissed Dan’s cheek before laying him down on the couch, he knew that anxiety and panic attacks were draining and figured Dan needed some time to just rest. It was scary, though, watching him shake and tune out before passing out. Phil walked over to their phones, he’d put them across the room from himself and Dan because all Dan could think about was the comments from the general public. He picked up his own just as it began to ring for the billionth time that day and he just sighed and gave in, answering the incoming call from, thank god, PJ.   
“Phil! I’ve been trying to call you for an hour and a half!”   
“I’m sorry, mine and Dan’s phones have been going off since the video uploaded and-” Phil was quickly cut off by PJ,   
“You guys came out?! You guys finally came out?!”   
“Did we? I didn’t notice,” Phil said flatly,   
“Sorry. How’re you guys going? Have you seen Twitter yet?”   
“No, Dan was freaking out so separated ourselves from our phones,” Phil informed his friend.   
“Damn, is he okay?” PJ asked,   
“He had the worst panic attack I’ve ever seen. He passed out, Peej. He’s unconscious on the couch,”   
“Oh my god… Do you want me to come over?”   
“No, no… it’s okay. He’ll want some, um… Dan and Phil time later when he’s, you know, recovered a little,” Phil said awkwardly, earning a laugh from PJ.   
“Text me when he wakes up and if there are any more problems, okay?” 

Dan woke up groggy and sore to the sound of the front door closing, he thought nothing of it as he blinked a few times to clear his vision. His head was throbbing and Phil was gone. Phil was gone! He sat up quickly, feeling the blood in his head pulsating painfully and he tried to stand up, quickly collapsing to the floor in a heap. Hearing the sound from the room, Phil rushed in and let out a laugh, plopping himself down beside him. Phil scooped him up in his arms and kissed his cheek, Dan let out a short breath and turned to return the kiss.   
“You’re cute,” Phil told him, “so very, very cute,”   
“You’re adorable. What happened?” Dan smiled to Phil, rubbing his eyes,   
“You had a panic attack and passed out. You’re okay though. I put some Panadol on the table with some water for you,” he picked up the glass of water and handed it to his brunet friend, followed by the two tablets.   
“Thanks,” he said, swallowing both the tablets and the water. “I’m sorry…”   
“Don’t apologise. I love you,”   
“I love you too,” Dan hummed, leaning into Phil’s embrace, “Have you read anything online yet?”   
“There’s a lot. And I mean A LOT.” Phil looked down into his eyes, “I’ve seen about 5 bad things out of the millions of good ones.”   
“So everyone took it well?” hope glimmered in Dan’s chocolate brown eyes. Phil nodded and Dan let out a little squeal, properly wrapping his arms around Phil’s waist as they sat on the living room floor and squeezing him tight.   
“I’m so sorry if I pushed you to come out like this… I didn’t mean for you to, you know…”   
“I wanted to, I was just scared… I still am, but as long as I have you here, with me, and by my side, and…” Dan started to laugh and Phil raised an eyebrow querying what Dan was laughing at,   
“and what?” Phil laughed, stealing a kiss,   
“Nothing.”  
“No, tell me!” Phil pushed him over with a giggle and pinned him to the floor, “Tell me or I’ll bite you.” Dan cleared his throat with a huge grin across his face,   
“I was gonna say… as long as I have you here, with me, and by my side, and… also inside me,” Dan blushed with a loud laugh and Phil bent down to kiss him again and Dan looked down Phil’s shirt to his irresistible chest. He dodged Phil’s kiss as he saw what was beneath his shirt and pushed him off of him,   
“Phil…” Dan said sternly, “What is that?”


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“What’s what?” Phil sat back on his ankles as Dan stood up and brushed himself off,   
“What’s what?!” Dan tried not to yell but he couldn’t help it. He bent down and gripped the hem of Phil’s shirt, pulling it up and over his head, tossing it onto the ground, “What’s THAT?!”   
“Dan, I don’t know what your-” Phil started but was cut off by the sight of Dan’s tears running down his red face.   
“How could you?” Dan cried, “Why would you do this to me? After everything! After I just…”   
“Dan, I really have no idea what you’re talking about…” Phil pleaded as Dan shook his hand off of his shoulder and pressed a finger to his chest. Phil looked down at the spot Dan had pointed out and Dan removed his hand, rotating himself to drop down onto the couch. That’s when he saw it. The red, raised, almost bruise-like shape on his chest. How had he not noticed it before?   
“Dan, really…” Phil shook his head, trying to engrain into Dan’s brain that it wasn’t what he thought, “I don’t know what this is! It’s not what you think!”   
“Do you think I’m stupid?!” Dan yelled, stifling a yawn,   
“No! I’m not lying to you, Dan! Why would I?!”   
“I don’t know! You tell me! It’s right fucking there, Phil! I can see it!”   
“Dan…” Phil bit the inside of his cheek as he felt tears building in his own eyes, “I promise you…”   
“Who is it?” Dan said, struggling to repress another yawn, “Who?!”   
“No one…”   
“Please, Phil! Don’t lie to me! You had me fooled into thinking that things were okay! You had me out myself to the world! You lulled me into a false sense of security and now that I’ve caught you, with fucking physical proof, Phil, you’re trying to deny it! Who, the fuck, is it, Phillip?! Is it Chris?! Is it fucking Chris?! Are you fucking Chris!?”   
“Dan, Stop! No! It’s not like that! It’s not Chris and it’s not anyone!” Phil insisted, unsuccessfully grabbing Dan’s arm as he stormed out of the room and out of the flat. 

Dan stopped at the front door. Not his own front door, Chris’s front door. The tears had stopped falling, his face was no longer puffy from crying and though his face was still flushed, it was fading. He banged on the door four times and finally Chris opened up, surprised,   
“Dan? I saw the… the um, the… everything!” Chris smiled, “I’m so proud of you!”   
“Tell me the truth, Chris, can you do that for me?” Dan asked harshly, pushing his way inside as Chris reluctantly agreed, “Good. You and Phil, is that completely over?”   
“Of course it is, Dan. Are you okay?”   
“No! I’m not fucking okay!” Dan shook, “I’m not okay!” Chris immediately enveloped him in a hug, stroking his back as Dan whispered a shaken explanation, “I think Phil’s been with someone else… again.”   
“I’m sure he’s not,” Chris reassured him, feeling Dan’s breath shudder in his embrace,   
“He has a hickey on his chest, Chris,” Dan bit his lip and clutched Chris tighter, “I thought it was you…”   
“It’s not me, Dan,” Chris murmured apologetically,   
“I thought that if it was you, I could… I don’t even know! I was in the house while whatever was going on was going on!”   
“What?” Chris looked at him in shock. This didn’t make sense, he couldn’t comprehend that Phil would cheat on Dan again, especially with somebody else, “You were there?”   
“I was passed out on the fucking couch!”   
“Oh my god, Dan…” Chris pulled him in tighter as his bottom lip began to tremble and he knew that Dan’s heart was breaking. “Maybe this is all a big misunderstanding.” Dan shook his head against Chris’s chest,   
“Maybe I’m just not good enough for him…” Dan wailed softly,   
“That’s not true.”   
“I’m disgusting. Look at me, Chris! How could anyone ever be attracted this mess of a human being? How could anyone ever love me?!” Dan clutched Chris’s arms desperately,   
“You’re not disgusting, Dan. It’s not you. If, and I mean IF, he’s with somebody else, that’s him and not you, okay?” Chris guaranteed him as Dan’s tight grip loosened. Chris felt Dan’s breathing even out and he looked at his delicate face, “It’s not you,” he repeated. Chris’s voice was soft, yet strong, and Dan quickly maneuvered his head to press his lips against Chris’s. Chris struggled for moment before relaxing into Dan’s forceful smacker, feeling the warmth of Dan’s body against his and his hand slowly making its way somewhere inappropriate, he was confused. What was happening? Was Dan kissing him? Why was Dan kissing him? Dan was definitely kissing him. Chris pulled away quickly, shaking his head, “Dan, no.” Dan immediately stopped and retracted his hands. His eyes darted around the room and eventually fell back onto Chris’s eyes, and for a moment, Chris thought that he was going to pounce on him and kiss him some more, but he didn’t. He just started to cry. He was emotionally exhausted. 

Though he was hurt by the fact that Dan was hurt, and refused to believe him, Phil understood why Dan was mad and upset. He got it. Truth be told, he would have felt exactly the same way if he’d seen the red, bruise-like shape on Dan’s chest, but he honestly did not know what it was. Where did it come from? What was it? He studied his chest and the mark in the mirror, tracing it with his fingers. It was slightly raised and he felt uncomfortable touching it. Dan had been gone a few hours, but Phil knew he was going to come back. He had to come back. He looked at the mark on his skin again, and it was so strange, foreign. He decided to call Dan, in hopes that maybe he’d pick up and he could try to explain again, but he didn’t. He knew where he’d gone. To Chris. Jesus, what if he killed him?! When Phil tried to call him too, there was no response, and so he called PJ. He was always calling PJ, he thought, rolling his eyes as he heard PJ’s voice on the other end,   
“Hey, did Dan wake up?”   
“Yep, he woke up and walked out,” Phil stated bluntly trying to hide how upset he really was,   
“What do you mean?”   
“Everything was fine, and then he saw this, like, little red bruise thing on my chest and…”   
“Oh Phil… Is it a love bite? Pease tell me that you didn’t…” PJ sounded disappointed,   
“No! I didn’t! I swear, I didn’t PJ! I don’t know what it is! Dan didn’t believe me, and I know I can’t blame him for that, but…”  
“Have you tried calling him? Has he said anything or come home, or…?”   
“He’s not answering, and I think he went to Chris’s… God, he might kill him or something!” Phil exclaimed.   
“Calm down, okay? Call me in the morning, and if Dan hasn’t come home, we’ll go out and look for him, alright? I’ll tell you if I hear anything, but if haven’t done anything wrong, then you have nothing to worry about,”   
“Okay, you’re right… But I legitimately don’t know what this thing is…” Phil sighed,   
“We’ll sort that out too, okay?” PJ settled him and heard Phil mumble an agreement before he hung up, immediately dialling Chris’s number.


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

The sun entered the apartment that morning, just as Dan hadn’t that night. Phil felt empty and wrong sleeping alone. He checked the entire flat and Dan definitely had not been home. He ran into his bedroom and grabbed his phone, calling PJ as he’d promised,   
“Peej, he’s not here, he didn’t come home! Where is he?!” Phil cried into the phone,   
“Relax, okay? I’ll be there in about half an hour and then we’ll go looking,” PJ quickly hung up and Phil got himself dressed. When PJ arrived, he immediately suggested going straight over to Chris’s place. Phil was scared, but when they finally arrived at their destination was when Phil became inconsolable.   
“PJ, we can’t knock. We can’t knock on the door,” Phil panicked,   
“We can’t just let ourselves in,” PJ argued,   
“But if Chris is dead…”   
“Chris isn’t going to be dead!” PJ rebutted, “You’re being ridiculous!”   
“We’re not knocking on the door,” Phil repeated,   
“Fine. How about I text Chris’s phone telling him that we’re gonna break into his house, and then I’ll unlock it with my key?” PJ suggested. Phil nodded and watched PJ text Chris, humouring his paranoid friend, “Okay, in we go.” PJ unlocked the front door and he and Phil walked inside, noting the quiet of the house. PJ opened his mouth to speak, but Phil, feeling as paranoid as he was, put his finger up to tell PJ to remain silent. Phil watched as PJ turned to check one side of the house, following his actions by going in the opposite direction. He walked down the hallway, trying not to make a sound, and spotted the closed door just a few feet away from him. His heart beat faster and faster as he got closer to the door, though he could have sworn it stopped completely the second his hand connected with the doorknob. He slowly opened the door, holding his breath, and looked inside – they were in the bed. Phil felt his head start to throb, his cheeks become hotter and his eyes become sore, already trying to hold back the tears. He left the door open as he rotated on the spot and ran, still as quietly as he could, back through the house and out the front door.   
“Phil!” PJ called after him, running from the house, “Phil! What happened?!”   
“They… they…” Phil sobbed, “They were in bed together…” he panted.   
“What do you mean?” PJ tried to soften the intensity of the situation, “IN BED in bed, or just in bed asleep?”   
“I don’t know! Maybe both?!”  
“Phil, calm down, okay? You’re being irrational…” PJ nodded to him,   
“No! No! I’m not going to calm down! You can go back in there, I don’t care! I’m going home!” Phil screamed, walking off and leaving PJ alone on the footpath. 

“CHRIS. DAN. WAKE THE HELL UP!” PJ shouted into the formerly quiet bedroom, “NOW!” Chris stirred beneath the blanket for a moment before shooting upright, Dan quickly following suit. Chris, I’m getting REALLY tired of walking in on your home wrecking. REALLY FUCKING TIRED.”   
“Peej, it’s not like that!” Chris defended,   
“Oh yeah?!” PJ cut in, “What’s it like then?”   
“…Phil cheated on me with someone else…” Dan interjected meekly,   
“Okay, first of all, he did no such thing. Second of all, that does not justify whatever is going on here!”   
“We didn’t… Nothing happened, Peej. I came here because I thought Phil cheated with Chris, but then he didn’t, and then I cried, and then Chris was here for me, and…” Dan scurried to explain,   
“Dan, come with me,” he demanded, “Please,” PJ extended his hand to him. Dan reluctantly climbed from Chris’s bed and PJ watched as Chris adjusted his position without Dan’s arms around him, “Phil is really hurt. Really hurt, guys. He walked in on you guys cuddling together in bed.” PJ walked out, Dan close in toe. All three of them knew that whatever was about to go down wasn’t going to go down well. 

“Phil, will you please let me in?” PJ called from outside his bedroom, “Dan’s in the lounge…” Phil didn’t care. Dan could have been in the lounge, or he could have been in a volcano for he cared. “At least let me in so I can look at the bruise thing on your chest?”   
“I tell Dan he can go back to Chris’s, and tell Chris to tell Dan that neither of them are welcome here,” Phil responded through the door.   
“Phil, nothing happened. I went back inside and they were fully clothed and just sleeping, Dan didn’t cheat on you. He wouldn’t do that to you after everything, come on… Chris wouldn’t do anything to hurt you either, I promise,” PJ’s voice sounded so sincere, and Phil opened the door just a centimetre, allowed PJ to push it open and join him inside before Phil pushed the door shut and locked it. He never used the lock.   
“There’s another one…” Phil said quietly,   
“Another bruise thingy?” PJ repeated, nodding at Phil’s torso, indicating for him to take off his shirt. Phil lifted his cat-print top over his head and PJ looked at the red patches on his skin, “They’re like… risen?”  
“I don’t know what they are, but look at this new one,” he pointed to his newest red blotch,   
“The new one looks like a hickey, but the old one is just…”   
“Weird?” PJ finished Phil’s sentence, “I agree. Maybe you should see a doctor?”   
“What’s the point? Maybe if I’m really lucky it’ll kill me and I won’t h-” Phil’s sentence was abruptly interrupted by PJ’s hand slapping him across the face,   
“Don’t you dare, Phillip!” PJ shouted, “Don’t you dare say, or even THINK, things like that! Do you hear me?!”   
“Yeah…” Phil breathed, rubbing his cheek where PJ had hit him, “I’m sorry…”   
“If you’re really sorry, you’ll come with me out to Dan. Right now. Show him your chest and he’ll see you didn’t cheat on him. You just need to trust me, and him, and Chris… that he didn’t cheat on you. This is getting ridiculous, Phil.” PJ told him, Phil nodded and moved to unlock the door. 

Phil had quietly, stubbornly, seated himself on the couch beside Dan and with his arms crossed against his bare chest. PJ had nodded at the pair and let himself out, leaving them alone.   
“PJ says this was a misunderstanding,” Dan said, not looking at Phil,   
“I didn’t cheat on you,” Phil said flatly, “I wouldn’t do that to you, not after everything we’ve been through and everything that happened yesterday,”   
“Then what the hell is that thing on your chest?” Dan still faced the opposite direction. Phil placed his hand on Dan’s cheek and turned his head to face him, it took everything in Dan’s body not to move his face to kiss Phil’s hand. Phil stood up and revealed the two red, bruise-like blotches on his pale flesh,   
“I don’t know, but they’re not… they’re not man-made,” Phil said, for lack of a better phrase, Dan struggled to repress a laugh.   
“I’m sorry I didn’t trust you…”   
“What happened with Chris?” Phil ignored his apology,   
“Nothing. I promise.”   
“Then why were you in bed together?”   
“You KNOW, Phil,” Dan smiled weakly, “You know that when I’m upset, or scared, I deal better just by sleeping platonically with someone else. Chris was there. We’re friends. It was like the dozens of times we’d slept in the same bed together before we were… you know, a thing. We fucked up, Phil… Mostly me, but we. Both of us.” Phil nodded to him,   
“You’re a bit of a spoon,” Phil said, still sounding upset but obviously he felt a little better, “I was unfounded… I do trust you, Dan, I was just so… so hurt.”   
“I’m sorry,” Dan cupped Phil’s face in his hand, “I’m very sorry. I love you, Phil, it’s just that after me with Jade, and you with Chris… you can’t tell me that’s not at least a reasonable thing for me to have thought. I mean, I know I reacted badly, and I should have talked to you, but it was just such an emotional day, my place was all of the head.”   
“Your head was all over the place, Daniel,” Phil smiled at him as Dan leaned in closer to kiss him, “…You smell like Chris,”   
“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll go shower,” Dan prepared himself to get up, but was quickly pulled back in by Phil, whom kissed him an unnumbered amount of times all over his face,   
“Don’t,” he demanded, “I like it.”


	60. Chapter 60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“Did you just…?” Dan questioned, “Did you really just say that?” He was shocked, legitimately shocked. Dan didn’t understand why Phil would say something like that, did this mean he was still attracted to Chris?  
“I did just say that,” Phil smirked,   
“Phil…” Dan was conflicted. He could understand how he could potentially find it funny, and the way Phil was looking at him was extremely appealing…   
“You are mine,” Phil pulled Dan in closer to him, roughly kissing him, “And I’m going to make sure you know you’re mine,” Dan kissed Phil deeper and moaned a small agreement,   
“That’s a good idea,” Dan whispered between kisses, “because really, I am struggling to remember which one of you is my boyfriend…” Hearing this, Phil grabbed Dan’s closest leg and rested it by his hip,   
“After this, you and he both are going to know that you’re mine,” Phil bit Dan’s shoulder and he let out a whimper of desire, feeling his lover’s teeth sinking slowly into his flesh. “Everyone will be able to see the marks I’m gonna leave on you…”   
“Someone’s possessive,” Dan playfully taunted him, “You know who else is probably possessive? Chris.”   
Phil knew this was a game, he believed and trusted that Dan hadn’t slept with Chris, now it was just up to him to make the most out of the situation and tease Dan completely.   
“Mmm… Dan, take of your shirt. Now!” Phil played up his domination and Dan obeyed without hesitance, tearing his top off over his head and instantly feeling Dan’s lips on his chest, kissing down his stomach and flicking his tongue over his navel. Phil kissed and sucked at Dan’s bare flesh, leaving tell-tale signs of his presence on Dan’s body, his expertly flicked his tongue over Dan’s nipple and gently bit down, determined to be just a little more intense than usual. Dan let out little moans and tiny breaths, feeling his arousal grow stronger and his pants to suddenly feel too tight. He wriggled his hips a little to find space for his cock within his jeans, but it was no use. Phil lightly pressed his palm against Dan’s bulge and rubbed against it, feeling how hard he was, “Oh, baby… are you already completely hard?” Phil’s voice teased.   
“Mmm… Phil… I’m so hard,” Dan said airily, feeling Phil push down harder on his crotch. It felt good, but it was still a little painful. He wanted release. “Take my pants off, Phil…”   
“Nah-ah-ah…” he tutted in response, “This is your punishment…” Phil lightly the tips of his fingers down Dan’s torso and felt Dan shudder beneath his fingers, moving them back down to his throbbing bulge and lightly teasing it. Dan bucked his hips slightly, desperate for more of Phil’s touch, in return Phil removed his hand from the area completely with a cheeky grin. He moved his body on top of Dan and started kissing him again, as deeply as he could to maximise Dan’s horniness. Dan moaned against his lips, feeling their tongues collide and Phil gently bite down on his lip. Dan felt as Phil rolled his hips into him, pressing his erection against Dan’s cock as it was begging to be freed from its constraints. Phil reached down and unzipped the zipper to his own pants, still ignoring Dan’s pulsating member. Suddenly Dan could feel the throbbing, the heat and the impression of Phil’s cock on his bare stomach as Phil sucked another bite into Dan’s sensitive neck and causing his legs to tremble around his own. Phil’s cock sat just outside his jeans, the waist band of his underwear and the denim sitting less an half an inch below Phil’s balls. 

“Suck it,” Phil’s low, sexy voice commanded the younger boy; Dan nodded and slid his body down so that his mouth was adjacent with Phil’s member, kissing the tip gently before flicking his tongue around the head as though he was making out with his cock. Phil moaned as Dan’s tongue flicked over his slit before over half of the shaft was in Dan’s mouth. Phil embraced the warm wetness of Dan’s mouth and rolled his hips to fuck Dan’s mouth as he palmed Dan teasingly gently through his pants, and soon Dan felt Phil’s cum hit the back of his throat and he took a moment to swallow quickly. Phil let out a deep moan, calling out Dan’s name in the process, as he felt Dan swallow around him a couple of times.   
“Phil, please…” Dan murmured as Phil pressed his hand harder against Dan’s ever-hard bulge, but Phil didn’t listen, “Phil…” he repeated as Phil pulled Dan’s body up to rest his head on one of the couch cushions. Once again, Phil’s face was millimetres from Dan’s and he kissed him again, Dan seeming overly eager as their lips moved together. Phil palmed Dan even harder through his jeans and Dan pushed himself against Phil’s movements,   
“Phil… please…” Dan moaned, “Phil, Phil!”   
“What’s that, baby?” Phil licked from Dan’s shoulder all the way up his neck to his jaw, “What’s the matter?” he voice was controlled, manipulative and teasing, causing Dan’s cock to press even harder against his tight jeans,   
“God, Phil!” Dan moaned loudly before his breaths became shorter and his clothed thrusts into Phil’s palm. Dan’s loud moans turned to pathetic whines as he breathily pleaded Phil’s name; Phil just rubbed him harder and after a few more mutters of his name, Phil felt something damp against his hand and for a moment Dan roughly pressed himself against Phil’s hand, rubbing vigorously as his mouth opened and his eyes squinted shut. He slumped back down beneath Phil as Phil gently played with the wet spot on Dan’s jeans,   
“Fuck you,” Dan spat, batting Phil’s hand away.   
“Aw, are you angry because I made you cum in your pants, sweetheart?” Phil continued to tease, shuffling himself down Dan’s body to lick the obvious cum stain.   
“Phil,” Dan squirmed beneath him,   
“Don’t be embarrassed, baby…” Phil continued to torment, his voice condescending but clearly not just to play with him, “These things happen,”   
“Shut up,” Dan huffed, “Stop it.” He demanded Phil almost convincingly, but for some reason he was enjoying this sudden babying, sure, the orgasm wasn’t entirely comfortable and he was probably going to get stuck to his pants if he didn’t get them off soon, but this was kind of fun.   
“Come on, baby,” Phil unzipped Dan’s pants, revealing the dark, wet spot on his blue underwear, “Let’s get these off.” Phil tugged down Dan’s pants and underwear, lifting the lower half of Dan’s body to pull them off of him completely, quickly tucking himself back into his own pants and zipping them up.   
“What’re you doing?” Dan looked at him quizzically as Phil quickly sucked the residual semen off of Dan’s now semi-hard cock.   
“Cleaning you up,” Phil smirked, sucking a little red bruise into the skin of Dan’s hip as he now lay naked on the couch. “Come on, darling, up you get,” Phil gestured to him, slapping his ass gently as he stood,   
“Can I shower now?” Dan laughed, picking up his clothes from the floor,   
“Only if you tell me you’re mine,” Phil kissed him gently while his hand cupped Dan’s balls,   
“Mmm…” Dan contemplated, “Okay. I’m yours,” he giggled before breaking away from Phil and walking off to shower. 

Three days passed, each day filled with Dan begging Phil to see a doctor, but he refused to go, though two additional red, raised, bruise-like splotches that had appeared on his torso forced Dan to threaten him with no more kisses, or cuddles, or any affection at all. Obviously, Phil gave in after a day or two and there they were, sitting together in the doctor’s office. Phil’s leg bounced up and down rapidly, indicating to Dan and everyone else in the room that he was nervous. Dan placed his hand on Phil’s knee and squeezed, offering him his support; Phil looked over at Dan with a small, wry smile as Dan’s hand slipped snugly around his waist.   
“It’ll be okay,” Dan smiled, “It’s probably nothing. I just want to make sure that you’re not going to wake up dead tomorrow,”   
“I don’t I’m ever going to ‘wake up dead’, Dan,” Phil laughed,   
“Maybe you’re going to be a zombie, Phil. You don’t know these things,” Dan joked, Phil shook his head,   
“You’re ridiculous,”   
“I know,” Dan smirked, “Do you want me to stay out here while you go in? I’m happy to let you have your privacy, I can stay here,” Dan picked up the closest magazine to him, “And read, um… Women’s day?” Phil opened his mouth to respond and maybe laugh at the brown haired boy, but instead heard his own name called from across the room.   
“You can stay here and enjoy your gardening articles,” Phil stood up, “Maybe take some photos of the recipes though because they’re kind of cool…”   
“Alright,” Dan rolled his eyes as Phil followed the lady doctor into her private room and began flicking through the shiny pages of the magazine, looking at the recipes. When Phil emerged a short time later, he was holding a piece of paper as he walked back over to Dan. He extended his hand and Dan took it in his so that Phil could drag him out of the building. 

“So, what’s wrong?” Dan said, breaking the silence as they walked into their building,   
“Not here,” Phil whispered to him, still holding Dan’s hand. He liked that he could show him affection in public, it was nice and it took everything in him not to smile like a complete lunatic while walking hand-in-hand around the streets of London.   
“You haven’t said anything, are you sure you’re okay?” Dan pushed as he got his new flat key from his pocket, he wasn’t all too keen to keep the one that Phil had swallowed.   
“That’s because I’m waiting until we’re home,” Phil looked to him, squeezing his hand,   
“We’re home now though?”   
“Nope, we’re not home yet,” Phil insisted.   
“We’re about 10 feet from home,”   
“Then you’re about 10 feet from knowing what’s wrong, aren’t you?”   
“So something is wrong?” Dan queried, a strong concerned tone to his voice. Phil ignored him and took his key, pushing it into the door and opening it. The second they were both in the lounge room and Dan had made sure Phil returned his key, he was back to demanding answers.   
“Phil, seriously, what’s wrong with you?” Dan asked, turning around to face Phil. He had no idea what was going on or why Phil was being weird like this. “Phil?”


	61. Chapter 61

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“Jesus, Phil! Come on! What’s wrong?!” Dan barked, grabbing Phil by the shoulders, “Please… Just tell me!” Phil nodded to him and told him to stay put as he wandered off into the bathroom. Dan shrugged off his jacket and hung it up, moments later being startled by the sound of Phil clearing his throat. As he turned around, he was greeted with the site of Phil holding up Dan’s body wash,   
“Um. What are you doing?” Dan asked, confused.   
“I’m allergic to this,” Phil laughed,   
“What brings you to that conclusion?”   
“It’s literally the only new product in the house, Dan…” Phil walked over, bottle in hand, and kissed Dan on the cheek,   
“I like this one though… I smell all manly…” he whined, “You’re literally allergic to manliness!”   
“I’m sorry…” Phil faked an apology with a grin on his face, “I guess you’ll just have to share mine until you find a new one,”   
“But you don’t even use this one..?”   
“But you do, and I spend quite a lot of time with my skin pressed up against yours…”   
“I never thought the day would come when I had to choose between my boyfriend and my new choice of soap,” Dan took the body wash from Phil’s hand and walked over and put it in the bin, shaking his head. “Are you sure it’s this?”   
“Doctor said it’s an allergic reaction to something new in ‘my environment’,” Phil laughed, “So, unless you can think of something else?”   
“No… I just hope you’re okay with having an un-manly boyfriend,”   
“If the only ‘manly’ thing about you is your body wash, then really Dan, how manly are you?”   
“I’m hurt and offended by that, Phillip,” Dan stuck out his tongue at him and wandered into the next room. 

Phil followed him into the kitchen and ran his hands up and down Dan’s back as he put the kettle on. His hands soon found their way to Dan’s hips, his lips to Dan’s neck, and Dan rolled his head onto his shoulder, allowing Phil better access to his sensitive flesh. Phil ran his tongue along Dan’s exposed, white skin, and Phil felt Dan’s knees wobble as his body quivered,   
“Phil, I’m trying to make tea and you’re making me hard…” Dan complained as he let himself lean backwards into Phil’s body.   
“Aw, bear…” Phil whispered into his hair before taking his earlobe in my mouth for a moment, “My little baby bear, am I making it hard for you to make your tea?”  
“Phil, you need to stop,” Dan said as a combination of both a giggle and a groan, “I have YouNow in like five minutes…”   
“I could suck you off in 5 minutes,” Phil ran his hands through Dan’s hair, “Please?”   
“Phil, no…”   
“Or I can suck you off during the live show?”  
“You are NOT sucking me off during the live show! There are children watching, and I don’t care if they can’t see, that’s… no!”   
“Okay…” Phil whispered, slinking his arm around Dan’s hips and palmed his crotch before completely cupping his erection and squeezing lightly. He sighed deeply, letting Dan know how disappointed he was. 

“Are you feeling okay?” Dan looked at him a little funny, “This isn’t normal for you…” he felt Phil press his hand a little more firmly against his crotch and so took a step back from him.   
“I’m fine,” Phil smirked, kissing Dan on the cheek and confidently striding back to his own bedroom, hearing Dan’s voice greeting his viewers just a few minutes later. Phil sunk down into his bed and started scrolling through Twitter on his phone, after about 20 minutes it vibrated in his hands, startling him and causing him to fumble the device, dropping it on his chest. He sat up and held it in his hands again, reading the text message from Dan,   
“Just 40 more minutes,” Phil smiled at the message and pulled off his shirt and jeans, snuggling down beneath the covers and closing his eyes, breathing in and breathing out.   
“Phil?” Dan tapped gently on the frame of Phil’s room, “Phil?” He looked over at the sleeping man just a few feet away and smiled. He ran from the doorway and pounced on the bed, his arms gently falling onto Phil while the rest of his body bounced next to him. Phil’s eyes flashed open, startled and a little disorientated,   
“Dan?” his voice was low and gravelly as he grabbed at Dan, indicating for him to join him under the covers. His grip was weak and Dan smiled to him, adoring how cute he was in that moment,   
“I’m here sweetheart…” Dan laughed, climbing under the duvet and cradling Phil’s slightly smaller body, “I take it you’re too tired for fun bedroom things?”   
“I’m sorry…”   
“Hey, it was your idea, not mine,” Dan laughed, “I’m perfectly happy with cuddles and love,”   
“All the cuddles and all the love,” Phil breathed. Dan kissed the side of his head and hugged him tighter.   
“I love you, Phil,” his voice whispered into his ear, “You’re so adorable.”   
“Mmm…” Phil mumbled, falling back to sleep in the warmth and security of Dan’s arms.   
“Are you sleeping?” Dan whispered, nuzzling his face against Phil’s. There was no response, “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, Phillip Lester.” 

“Phil…” Dan whispered, placing kisses all over his face, “Come on, wake up…” Dan looked over to the clock, it was almost 10am, they’d gone to sleep fairly early the night before and he was shocked by how long they’d been asleep. He kissed Phil’s cheek again and gently shook him a little, “Come on, Phil. Time to get up.”   
Phil didn’t stir. He didn’t move or respond at all. Dan shook him a little harder, trying to wake him up, but nothing was happening.   
“Phil?! Phil, I need you to wake up. Right now. Phil!” Dan’s voice shook, and then the panic set in. He shook Phil’s body harder, taking Phil’s hand in his own and squeezing it, “Please, Phil…”   
Dan didn’t know what to do. “Phil, please… wake up…”


	62. Chapter 62

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“Phil, please…. I don’t know what to do!” Dan cried, hanging up the phone after calling for an ambulance, as far as he knew nothing had happened. He didn’t know what was going on. He froze and waited for the ambulance, continuing to do anything he could to get a reaction from his boyfriend. During the time he was alone with Phil, time moved so slowly, and then it sped up, occasionally slowing down to the point where a single hour lasted an entire year.   
The ambulance came.   
The nurses told him to wait for news.   
The doctors told him there was no news.   
The only other person in the waiting room told him that it would be okay, but god bless her soul, she had no idea either. Dan just sat and waited.   
“Excuse me, sir,” a woman’s voice came from beside Dan, “Are you here for Phillip Lester?”   
“Yes!” Dan perked up, listening intently, “We’re really sorry to have kept you waiting… your friend is stable at the moment,”   
“Can I see him?!”   
“What was your relation to Mr Lester?” the nurse asked,   
“He’s my… I’m his partner,” Dan breathed.   
“I’m sorry,” she looked at him a little funny, “Only family can visit him at the moment.”   
“Excuse me?!” Dan snapped, panicked and scared, “I am his family! We are a family!”   
“I’m sorry, but-” she began again, she didn’t mean the apology, she was headed right back to repeating what Dan had already heard,   
“No! We are a goddamn family, and I am going to see him! Where is his room?” Dan demanded. The nurse pointed down the hall to the last room and Dan ran inside and sat next to Phil as he slept in the ugly, white hospital bed. Soon enough the doctor came around to check his vitals again and told Dan that they believe that his state was caused by a severe allergic reaction to a medication given to him by his doctor to help clear the red blotches from his skin. 

Dan let out a sigh of relief, if it was an allergic reaction and he was in the hospital… that would mean Phil was going to be okay, right? Wrong. Just as Dan felt everything was okay, the machine that Phil was hooked up to ran a long, straight, flat, line and let out a long, loud, high frequency beep. He was dead. It took a moment for it to register, and in that moment he was being shuffled out the door, the second he was shut out of room, it hit him. Phil was dead. Dan screamed. He couldn’t breathe. He reached out behind him to grab Phil’s hand because Phil was always there for him to tell him it would be okay, but… he wasn’t there. He was gone. He was dead. It was over. Dan collapsed to the floor and heard footsteps running over toward him, but he couldn’t see the face of the person through the river of tears gushing from his eyes. He clutched his chest and hiccupped through the continuous sobs and tears as he thought about everything he’s have to do. Everything he’d have to do alone. Call Phil’s parents. Call Chris. Call PJ. Tell his subscribers. Deal with media. Go home. Live life. How was he supposed to live a life without Phil?! Phil was his life! He could hear the voices around him, perhaps trying to make sure he was okay, perhaps telling him it was going to be alright, he didn’t know and he didn’t care. 

A short time went by and soon his mind emerged from within itself and he found himself in his own hospital bed. Apparently the short time had not been so short and he’d passed out, hitting his head rather hard on the ground, or the wall, maybe a railing and had been sedated and asleep or unconscious, he wasn’t sure, for over 18 hours. His head hurt. His heart hurt. He felt nauseous.   
“You had me really scared,” a voice beside him spoke, Dan didn’t move his head to see who it was. He recognised the voice, but he wasn’t interested in talking to anyone. “Dan, will you look at me, please?”   
“No.”   
“Please, baby bear?” The voice pleaded, it sounded just like Phil’s, but it couldn’t be,   
“What did you call me?” Dan asked, shocked. No one called him that but Phil. Phil barely called him that, he’d only ever add ‘baby’ to the beginning of it to comfort him… He turned over and looked at the chair beside his bed. It was empty. Any hope he had of it being Phil quickly deflated again, and he felt hot tears run down his face again.   
“Dan…” the voice continued to speak to him, but he shut his eyes tight and hugged his arms against his chest. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real.   
“Stop it…” Dan whispered to himself. He couldn’t lose Phil and his mind in one trip to the hospital, he just couldn’t.   
“I know I had you scared too… I’m so sorry about that, I’m so, so sorry, Dan,”   
“Stop it!” Dan spat, “You’re not real!”   
“Open your eyes and I promise I’ll be there,” Phil’s voice told him. Dan was reluctant to be let down again and kept his eyes shut,   
“I saw you die…” Dan breathed.   
“Dan, I’m here. I’m right here for you, please… just open your eyes for me, okay? I promise, love, I’m here.”  
“Don’t lie to me…” Dan cried to himself,   
“I’m not lying. If I could hold your hand right now to prove it to you, I would,” Phil’s voice told him.   
“Okay, prove it to me another way.”   
“The first time you climbed into my bed in the middle of the night because you couldn’t sleep. It was the week that you dropped out of Uni, and you thought I was asleep. You wrapped your arms around my waist and you cried. You were so scared… After you fell asleep, I wiped away the tears left on your face, and the next morning you were gone,” Phil’s voice recounted, sounding nostalgic. 

Dan opened his eyes, he was scared and reluctant, but he was curious. He opened his eyes and flicked them directly across the room and saw another bed with another person in it. He looked over the man across from him in disbelief. His black hair. His bright, beautiful blue, open eyes. His white skin. His fragile body. His endearing, calming smile... It was Phil! He was there! He was real!   
“You were… you were dead…” Dan whispered,   
“My heart stopped…” Phil breathed, “Which is a little scary, but I was here in the hospital and they started it again. I’m okay,”   
“Are you going to be okay, or…?”   
“I’m going to be okay,” Phil smiled, “I think that you’ll actually find it all a little funny once, um, once you’re not in shock or anything.”   
“What could possibly be funny about this?” Dan asked,   
“I had a minor reaction to your new body wash, then I had a major reaction to the medication that was meant to get rid of the minor reaction, and then I had an extreme reaction to the drugs that were meant to help reverse the effects of the major reaction,” Phil explained with a laugh, “But they’ve done a bunch of scans and blood tests and now we know what I’m allergic to and also that I’m going to be okay.”   
“So… everything’s going to be alright?” Dan choked back tears, “You promise?”   
“I promise, sweetheart…” Phil whispered, “How do you feel?”   
“Incredible,” Dan said, starting to cry, “My head hurts and I feel sick, but I feel incredible!”   
“I love you, Daniel.”   
“I love you too…” Dan swallowed, “When I saw that flat line… Phil, I screamed. I reached for you so that you could tell me everything would be alright, because you’re always there for me… but you weren’t there… You were gone… I was never going to see you again…”   
“It’s okay now,” Phil smiled, tears watering in his own eyes,   
“I still can’t believe you’re here,” Dan wiped his eyes and, with a smile, Phil took the opportunity to prove to Dan that he was real. As Dan opened his eyes he felt something hit his legs, “What’s that?” he asked, picking up and inspecting the sealed item.   
“I threw a cup of orange juice at you.”


	63. Chapter 63

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

“How’re you guys enjoying your home-away-from-home?” PJ’s voice broke the silence of his two half-sleeping friends, “Maybe you should invest in a beach house or something instead though, yeah?” Phil simply rolled back over and fell asleep, too exhausted for conversation. PJ wandered to Dan’s side and he swept Dan’s hair from his face, “How’re you doing there, Danny boy?”   
“I’m okay…” he breathed in return to PJ’s question,   
“No one told me what happened, they called and they just said that I was your second emergency contact. I asked why they didn’t call your first and they told me that he was in here too, so needless to say, here I am,” PJ sighed, “I’m so glad you guys aren’t dead or something.”   
Dan looked up into PJ’s bright eyes, his own dampening with a shake of his head,   
“He was dead…” Dan whispered.   
“What?” PJ stopped, looking at the pained by in front of him,   
“We were in his room and I thought everything was okay…” the first drops fell from Dan’s darkened eyelashes, “Then he flat-lined. His heart stopped. I thought I was…” he hiccupped, “I thought I’d never see him again and it was… it was all over… He was dead, Peej…”   
“Dan… I’m so sorry,” he quickly wrapped his arms around Dan’s shaken frame, “But he’s okay now, see?” PJ gestured over to Phil’s sleeping form.   
“Yeah, I know,” Dan sobbed into PJ’s chest, pulling him closer. Dan moved himself over more and invited PJ to join him on the clinical, white bed, PJ climbed up beside him with his arms still wrapped around and cradling Dan’s heaving body as he continued to cry.   
“It’s okay…” PJ reassured him,   
“I was so goddamn scared, I thought- I thought… I’d have to live the rest of my life without him. I can’t do that, Peej. I can’t live without him…”   
“I know… But he’s here, okay? I’m here for you as well, and everything is going to be okay.”   
Dan swallowed and buried himself in PJ’s warm torso, he didn’t know what had come over him, but he suddenly felt a strong need, not a want or desire, but a need, to be held.   
“I love you,” Dan whispered as he clung tightly to PJ’s shirt. PJ was a little caught off guard, of course they loved each other, they were friends, but Dan had never been one to profess his platonic love to his friends. PJ figured that with almost losing someone so close to him, this would have to be a normal reaction,   
“I love you too.”

When Phil woke up, the room was quiet and he looked over to Dan’s bed. Dan was curled up in PJ’s arms, fast asleep while PJ stroked his hair and scrolled through something or rather on his phone with his free hand.   
“Peej?” Phil asked groggily to get his attention,   
“Hey, how’re you doing?” PJ put his phone down and gently shuffled his body to face Phil without waking the sleeping Dan.   
“I’m doing well, I’m pretty okay,” Phil smiled, answering truthfully, “I’m worried about him, though,” Phil gestured to Dan with his head.   
“Yeah… Me too,” PJ breathed, “He’s become suddenly, um, very cuddly. He told me he loves me,”   
“Yeah,” Phil nodded, “He’s been telling me he loves me about 15 times a minute…”   
“I think he’s really shaken by the whole… you being dead thing,”   
“I know, Peej… It’s like he’s starved for affection, and…” Phil struggled to articulate,   
“And what?” PJ looked across at him,   
“Over the past couple days he’s seemed a little… different. Still himself, obviously, there’s nothing wrong with him, but… I feel like he’s maybe, I don’t know… regressed a little.”   
“I can see that,” PJ nodded. Phil bowed his head for a moment and looked back up at him,   
“You can pry yourself from his grip if you want to escape, it doesn’t matter if you wake him up, he’ll be asleep again in seconds flat,” he laughed.   
“I don’t mind,” PJ smiled, “Unless you do?”   
“I highly doubt there’s anything I should be worried about going on over there,” Phil laughed again. “I just really hope he’s okay…”   
“Do you think it’s just the fact that he thought you had, um… you know, or also his head injury?”   
“I don’t know, maybe both,” he shrugged, “But I love him, and as he’s expressed a million times today alone, he loves me. So it’s gonna be okay.”   
“Look at him though…” PJ giggled, “He’s like a cute little child,”   
“He really is…” Phil chuckled, “We’re being discharged tomorrow afternoon.”   
“Both of you?”   
“Mhmm, I’ll be finished with observation and whatnot, and Dan’s stitches need to be checked or something and then he can go home too. It’s all working out,” he smiled.   
“Will you guys be okay at home?” PJ asked as Dan nuzzled into his chest further. Phil smiled at how adorable Dan looked in that moment, even if it was in the arms of somebody else,   
“We’ll be fine. We could both be up and functioning if we wanted to be, we’re just tired from the drugs and stuff,” he laughed, straightening his glasses and peering over at his sleeping boyfriend, “I really love him so much, Peej…” 

Eight days at home and things had settled back nicely. Phil had fully recovered from his series of reactions, Dan’s head didn’t feel like it was going to explode anymore, and the 3 or so stitches had been removed by his doctor two days after they were discharged. Physically, Dan was fine, but Phil had begun to notice small changes in him. He needed more physical affection, it was almost constant – of course Phil had no problem with this, not at all, but the fact that Dan couldn’t go 20 minutes without hugs, kisses or cuddles was a little strange. He constantly felt the need to tell Phil he loved him, and while Phil wasn’t going to object to that either, Dan was generally a lot needier. He was himself, but not his proper self. He was suddenly a lot messier in his lifestyle and routine, if Phil said or did something he wasn’t happy with, he’d sulk. Phil was constantly finding him with his fingers in his mouth for one reason or anything, whether it be that he was biting his nails or sucking on them, he wasn’t always entirely sure as the second Dan realised Phil was looking at him, he’d stop. Even Dan knew something was off, so when Phil tucked him into bed that night, he brought it up.   
“I’m acting weird,” Dan said quietly as Phil folded up his glasses and climbed in next to him, “I don’t know why, or what’s different exactly, but I feel like it’s not quite… right?”   
“You have been acting differently, yes,” Phil whispered, wrapping his arms around him, “But it’s okay, you’re just trying to cope.”   
“Can you cuddle me closer?” he asked shyly and Phil pulled him in closer, feeling Dan’s legs wrap around him, “I love you, Phil…”   
“I love you too, my baby bear,” Phil kissed Dan’s cheek gingerly and continued to whisper to him, “If you’re scared, or worried, or if anything’s wrong, I want you to tell me, okay, baby?”   
“Mhmm…” Dan nodded and curled into Phil’s embrace, finding himself sucking his curled finger within moments of getting comfortable. Phil thought it was a little cute and a little strange that Dan had started doing this, especially since it wasn’t his thumb that he was sucking, but his left index finger, leaving bite marks in it when it inevitably fell out during the night. What struck Phil even further was Dan’s sudden lack of desire, or perhaps extremely well-hidden desire, to participate in any sexual activities. He would never push Dan to do anything he didn’t want, and Phil was perfectly fine without sex or the like, but Dan wasn’t like that. Dan was almost always horny. Dan would normally wake up and press his hard-on against Phil in an attempt to tell him he wanted to play. He would rub himself subtly on the couch next to Phil as they watched a movie and when Phil would feel Dan grab to hold his hand, he knew very well it was headed straight for his lap. So the fact that Dan hadn’t instigated a single thing, and the fact that Phil hadn’t even see Dan with a boner, meant something was up. And that something, worryingly, was not Dan’s dick.


	64. Chapter 64

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dans depression becomes too much for him to bare, leading to a series of disturbing events for he and Phil. Phil discovers that he may not be the man that he and Dan think him to be, all he can do is hope that it won't change things for the worse. An angsty tale of self-discovery, depression (trigger warning: self harm/suicidal themes/eating disorders/rape) and heartache (smut).

Dan felt his eyelids get heavier, but he was determined to stay awake so that he could be with Phil and soak up the incredible energy that Phil released into the world. The closer he was to Phil, the better he could share in the dynamism that was Phil. Phil’s eyes fluttered shut, and soon after, Dan felt his own do the same, only to open them again seconds later, greeted with the light of the morning and a faint buzz of white noise. Phil was gone. Dan shot up and threw himself from the bed, he felt strangely invigorated, heading to the kitchen in search of Phil. He wasn’t there. He wasn’t anywhere. He felt fingers drawing circles on his still bare back and quickly turned around, expecting Phil to be standing behind him but no one was there. He took a few steps back and felt himself hit the wall behind him, jumping at the sudden collision as it startled him. He darted his eyes around the room, scanning across the DVD’s on the shelves, the plants in the corners, and the piece of paper on the dining room table that Dan didn’t remember being there before he went to bed. Actually, he didn’t recall it being there when he’d walked past it in his earlier search for Phil. Sceptically, he slowly dragged his feet to the table and picked up the paper. It was a letter. He knew it was in English, but he couldn’t read it. He squinted his eyes and tried to make sense of the jumbled, seemingly rearranging, letters, but he just couldn’t for the life of him understand it. As if on cue, he heard a familiar tune playing from his back pocket. He reached into the pocket of his dark blue jeans, grabbing the phone. Was he wearing Jeans a second ago? He didn’t wear jeans to bed…   
“Hello?” he spoke into the phone, unable to read the caller ID,   
“Daniel?” a familiar voice that he was unable to identify addressed him,   
“Y-yes?”   
“It’s Phil,” Of course! That was the voice! How hadn’t he identified it before?   
“Where are you?”   
“I’m gone.”   
“W-what? Where? Why?” Dan questioned, terrified,   
“You know why, Daniel,” Phil’s voice was cold and completely void of his usual caring tone.   
“No… no, I don’t- I don’t know…” Dan began to plead, “Please!”   
“I don’t love you, Daniel. I never did. I felt sorry for you, you’re pathetic. Look at yourself, you’re a fucking child. How am I supposed to be in love with a child?” Phil’s voice was cold and impersonal, Dan hated it. He hated it. “Daniel, how am I supposed to fuck a child? It’s sick. You’re sick. You make me sick.”   
And then the line went dead.   
No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. Dan let out a loud, high pitched, pained scream, falling to the ground and feeling as through he was about to throw up his heart. He scrunched his eyes shut and fell to the ground, opening his eyes again upon feeling a sudden weight somewhere in his close vicinity. The room was suddenly dark. He was in Phil’s bed, and Phil was by his side and had laid a comforting hand on cheek. This was Phil. This was really Phil. He hadn’t left, not yet. It must have been a dream… That would make sense, right? A dream? That would explain all of the things that just didn’t add up…

The strange thing about traumatic experiences is that they often find the most inconvenient way to affect a person. It’d been weeks of days full of a lingering clinginess, nights full of nightmares, days lacking passionate kisses, night lacking sexual intimacy. Maybe Phil was wrong. Maybe Dan hadn’t regressed, maybe Dan just wasn’t in the mood, and maybe he was simply needier now he had seen his entire future without Phil in it flash before his eyes, and perhaps he was terrified that he would have to live it. Phil didn’t know and he wasn’t going to ask. Not then. Now when Dan had just woken up in tears, kicking at the duvet and breathing heavily while clinging to Phil as though his entire life depended on it.   
“Dan,” Phil whispered, petting Dan’s hair and rubbing his hand up and down the outside of Dan’s thigh to settle him, “It’s alright… You’re okay, I’m here.”   
“Do you love me?” he asked, his big brown eyes widening and watery,   
“Of course I love you. I love you so, so much and I’m going to forever,” Phil assured him, punctuating his answer with kisses to Dan’s face and pulling him closer.   
“Did I wake you up?” Dan frowned, legitimately feeling guilt at the mere thought of having disturbed Phil’s sleep,   
“Don’t worry about it,” he smiled, continuing to gently tangle his fingers through Dan’s hair,   
“I’m sorry…”   
“Don’t be sorry, baby bear… If I’m awake I get to look at you, and that’s better than sleeping anyway,” Phil whispered sweetly. Dan blinked a few times and felt Phil’s fingers drawing little circles on his back.   
“I thought you left me…” Dan whispered, feeling the tears build back up again,   
“I would never do that, Dan,” Phil kissed his nose and picked up Dan’s leg and moved it between his own.   
“Are you upset because… because we haven’t been… you know?”   
“What? No! No! Of course not! Dan, we don’t need to... for us to be, well, us,” Phil stroked his arm comfortingly,   
“It’s been three and a half weeks since…” Dan uttered, “If you want, you can fuck me.”   
“Dan, what?” Phil gasped, “No, Dan! I’m not doing anything with you unless you’re completely into it as well, and I know you’re not and I know you’re not up for that right now. It’s alright if we don’t, okay? We’re more than just sex, and you know it! I’m not going to do it just because you tell me to.”   
“Okay,” Dan nodded, “You’re right.”   
Phil wasn’t going to do what Dan would tell him to do, why should he? Phil didn’t do anything wrong. Ever. Dan shouldn’t be in charge, Dan thought, Phil should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Yo!   
> So, I know I haven't been posting as much lately, and the quality probably isn't all that great at the moment, and most of you probably don't care, but um... I live with my grandparents and the other night my Gran had a seizure and then was unresponsive for almost 45 minutes. It was absolutely terrifying, especially because I had to remain completely calm so that my Pa (grandfather) wouldn't collapse from the stress of the situation (which he almost did) as I did everything I could to keep her breathing until the ambulance came. Thankfully there's not much traffic at 3:30am though, right?   
> Anyway, now she's in the hospital and we don't think she's going to make it much longer, so I'm under a lot of stress and my anxiety is at the worst point it's been at in months. It literally took me 20 minutes of standing outside my classroom trying not to cry before I went in today, and that's not usually a good sign...   
> Sorry, I'm babbling.   
> I'm going to try to make the story good again, okay? Some days the good reviews are the only things that keep me motivated. You guys really are amazing, and I treasure each and every person that reads this. I hope you're all okay!


	65. Chapter 65

“Dan!? Have you seen the- oh. Never mind. It was in the sink…” Phil called through the flat,   
“Kitchen or bathroom?” Phil heard Dan call back from the balcony outside.   
“…Kitchen,” Phil hesitantly replied, seconds later feeling Dan’s arms wrap around his waist,   
“What was it?”   
“What’s what?”   
“The thing you were looking for,” Dan laughed, sliding himself by Phil’s side and peering into the sink, “Oh, Phil…”   
“I know…” he breathed, a small smile escaping onto his face as Dan laughed,   
“I don’t think TV remotes belong in the kitchen sink, honey.”   
“Maybe it’s best friends with the dishes, it just wanted someone to talk to,” Phil justified,   
“The dishes do spend an awful amount of time on the coffee table with the remote, we should have known they’d become friends…” Dan rolled with Phil’s explanation of the strangely placed item.   
“Speaking of best friends,” Phil interjected and re-routed the conversation as he wiped the few little splashes of water from the remote, “You’ve been awfully cheery the past few days. You doing okay?”   
“Mhmm,” Dan nodded, “Sorry about how I’ve been lately, but I just, I’m following your lead. You’re okay, and I want to be too,”   
“Take your time, alright?” Phil kissed Dan’s eyebrow, “Because I want you to legitimately be okay and not to just pretend and then… you know,”   
“I hadn’t even thought of that, actually. Sometimes I forget,” Dan admitted and felt Phil pull him closer and into a hug.   
“I don’t forget,” Phil whispered, planting a kiss on Dan’s cheek, “I worry sometimes, but you’re all strong and, and look at you…”   
“I can’t, you wouldn’t let me put a giant mirror in our kitchen,” Dan laughed. Phil just hit him and continued,   
“You’re brave and cute, and I love you,”   
“I love you too,” Dan smiled. Phil wrapped his arms around him and kissed his ear, earning a little giggle from Dan, “That’s so weird! I don’t even know why I like it,”   
“Ha, ha, funny,” Phil separated from his friend, “I guess I’m just gonna go cry myself to sleep then because my boyfriend doesn’t love me…”   
“Nooo…” Dan sighed, tugging on his hand, “Come and love Me.”   
“Sorry sweetheart, I have an appointment, but I’ll give you all the cuddles when I get home,”   
“Appointment?”   
“Mhmm,” Phil affirmed, pulling on his jacket and letting Dan fix the collar,   
“You’re still going to your therapy appointments?” Dan figured that had to be it, as far as he knew it was the only thing Phil had made appointments for, “Am I the worst friend in the world for not noticing that?” Dan sighed to himself, feeling utterly guilty for neglecting to realise that Phil had been disappearing at the same time on the same day every week for who knows how long since he’d stop noticing.   
“Yeah… Of course I’m still going, I mean, I stopped for a while… but I’m all good and going really well so I kind of, you know, didn’t say anything.” Phil told him with a smile, “You didn’t notice because I didn’t want you to, you’ve been worrying a lot lately and can you honestly tell me that if I had told you I was going to see Dr Leslie three weeks ago that you would have nodded and smiled and sent me on my way?”   
“Well, no… Is there any reason you started going again?” Dan asked quietly, “Is that why you were worried about me? Because you’re worried about you?”   
“No,” Phil laughed, running his hand from Dan’s shoulder and down his arm to his hand, “I just wanted to make sure I’m still okay and that I stay that way.” 

Jeez, Dan thought, Phil actually didn’t have it all together like he thought he did, or maybe he did. He wasn’t entirely sure of what Phil returning to therapy meant, it either meant he wasn’t okay, or that he was actually a super responsible adult. He just smiled and nodded like he was supposed to, supporting Phil’s decision to get help, before kissing his cheek and walking him to the door.   
“We’ll talk later, yeah?” Phil said, closing the door with a promising smile. Dan wandered back into the heart of the flat before strolling into his bedroom with a strange sense of boredom that felt as though it would never be relieved. He flopped onto his bed and unlocked his phone, his eyes squinting to read the words on the screen, straining even, so he quickly decided against suffering and tossed his phone onto the other side of the bed and curled up on top of his duvet with closed eyes. His mind lazily strolled through the thoughts in his head, each patiently waiting to take its turn in the forefront of his mind. Had Phil been behaving strangely? Had Phil been eating? Had Dan been too wrapped up in himself that he hadn’t noticed any of these things? Had Dan been so engulfed in his own mind that he had forgotten to make sure Phil was alright? Sure, it had been a while since Phil had claimed things were under control and Dan had just assumed that he was completely fine, which, admittedly, was a thoughtless and careless assumption. How could he be so stupid? How could he be so selfish? Was it still selfish if Dan wasn’t in a good place either? Was Dan okay? Was this, any of this, healthy? Suddenly his head was killing him and he languidly reached for the bedside table, feeling around in the second drawer for pain killers before finding them and swallowing them dry, grimacing as the powdery tablets moved from his mouth and down into his throat until they were gone.   
Dan rolled over onto his other side and fumbled for his phone, opening his messaging app and selecting the most recently contacted name, Phil’s, and typed out his message before rolling over and finally falling asleep,   
“Phil, I really love you. I love you so much, and I’m so sorry if I missed something and didn’t notice if you were struggling… You’re the most important person in the world to me, and I’m so sorry, Phil… I’m so sorry for everything. I can’t wait to see your face again.”


	66. Chapter 66

“Dan?” Phil spoke, entering the flat, “Dan? Daniel?” He flicked off his shoes and put his keys on the table before walking down the hall and sticking his head around the corning into Dan’s room, smiling when he saw the sleeping boy on top of the bed. He slithered in behind him and wrapped his arms around his balled-up figure, slowly waking him up with his presence and the gentle stroking of his arm.   
“Mmmph..?” Dan moaned, his mouth still closed and body still motionless,   
“Mmmph to you too,” Phil imitated Dan’s sleepy noise, “It’s just me.”   
“Oh…” Dan sighed breathily, still not entirely registering what was going on,   
“You’re so cute,” Phil whispered a giggle and moved his head to kiss Dan’s neck gently.   
“Mmm…”   
“You’re really sleepy, aren’t you?” Phil smiled to himself, “Oh, bear…”   
“No…”   
“No? You’re not sleepy?”   
“Nooo…” Dan cried sleepily, “Not bear…”   
“Baby bear, then?”   
“Yeah…” he replied softly and airily, “When are you coming home?”   
“Dan, sweetie… I am home,” Phil stifled a laugh and petted Dan’s hair. Dan stiffened and shot up before turning to face Phil mere seconds after accidentally pushing him away in his scramble to face him. 

“When did you get here?!” Dan grinned, letting himself fall front first into Phil’s body as Phil wrapped his arms around him.   
“Not too long ago,” Phil smiled, “You’re so adorable when you’re sleepy and barely aware of what’s going on,”   
“That’s a little bit extremely creepy,” Dan joked with a yawn, “How was your appointment?”   
“It was good,” Phil smiled, “She yelled at me because my phone went off,”   
“How rude of you,” Dan snuggled into his chest a little more, “Anything else you wanna talk about?”   
“She said I’ve been slipping a little bit with my meal plans,” Phil said a little softer, “But it’s alright,”   
“I don’t know what that means…”   
“It just means I need to do what I’m told,” Phil laughed, entwining his fingers with Dan’s,   
“I didn’t even know you had a plan,” Dan told him, realising that Phil actually hadn’t said anything to him about his illness, or recovery, or anything in a long time.   
“I didn’t want you to, you’d worry and stuff,” he shrugged,   
“Can I help now, though?” Dan enquired, “Since, you know… you’re actually telling me now…”   
“It’s funny…” Phil mumbled,   
“No, Phil. I don’t think it is. I mean, I didn’t know before, and I guess I sort of pretended nothing was happening, and I-”   
“No, I mean, what’s funny is that I pretended nothing was happening too. It’s been so long of me just not telling you anything because I was worried you would be really…” Phil struggled to think of the word for a moment and made a few wild hand gestures, “pedantic? I don’t know if that’s the word. Maybe you’d have gone a little crazy with it, or maybe you’d freak out, I’m not sure what I thought… But then I told you about my appointment and you were so calm and… and normal, and now I’ve told you about the plan – which is very loose by the way, it’s not a crazy diet plan thing or something, just a guide to make sure I’m actually eating and getting the nutrients that I need or something, and you know I eat. You see me eating all the time now, because I do. We barely talked about anything about this, I know you Dan, I know how to steer clear of things with you, and I know it’s manipulative in a way, but I had to because… I couldn’t let you take care of me because I need to make sure you’re okay… You’re important too, and I can take care of myself but you…” 

“Phil, I can take care of myself too, or we can take care of each other… you don’t need to look after both of us. We’re a team,” Dan nodded to him reassuringly.   
“It’s easy to say that, but Dan… I walked in after you tried to kill yourself. Twice. That was petrifying, and I still worry that that’s going to happen every single time I leave you alone, but I can’t put you on a leash or get you a baby sitter, you’re an adult. I trust that you’re going to be okay when I’m not with you. With me… I’m getting there, and I know I’m getting there because it’s me,” Phil told him, trying to be honest but gentle.   
“I didn’t try to kill myself… The… the um, the cutting and the pain killers just… I lost it. I’m okay now though, and I promise I’ll tell you if I’m not. I’ll tell you if I’m thinking about it, just like how I want you to tell me if you need help too. You also seem to be forgetting about how you checked out for a few days at Christmas and literally didn’t eat that entire time. Oh, and before you were checked into the hospital for an entire month and we were finishing the radio show and literally seconds after we went off-air and the cameras were off, you fucking collapsed and just… you were unresponsive for over twenty-five minutes. I had no idea what was going on, and the paramedics and the doctors kept asking me what I knew, and I knew NOTHING. It was the scariest thing I’d ever experienced… Until that morning a few weeks ago when you just didn’t wake up. Phil, I thought it was the eating disorder again. I couldn’t even form thoughts about it in my brain, and then in the hospital… you DIED. You flat-lined! Sure, by then I knew that it wasn’t anorexia or something, but all those fears had already come flooding back. You know it’s taken a while for me to recover from that whole experience. I’m still not over it, and I don’t think I ever will be… Sure, I’m getting there and I feel okay now, but I can’t lose you. So please, just let me help, okay? Tell me when you need help… Please?” Dan pleaded, wide eyed and sincere. Phil nodded,   
“I don’t really need help right now though, yeah?” he told Dan, squeezing his hand a little,   
“Okay,” Dan smiled, “I believe you. I wish I could be more like you…”   
“You shouldn’t, I love you just as you are,” Phil kissed his nose,   
“I mean you being able to go back to get help when you think you need it,” Dan said, “I’m really glad that you can do that, it’s really impressive. I wish I could help myself like that… I want to be able to take care of myself like that when I need to, not just for me, but for you as well. You’re so incredible…”   
“I’ve been called ‘amazing’ quite a fair bit too,” Phil smiled, “You’re trying. I’m trying. We’re trying, and we’re doing really great. Now, do you want to continue being all emotional and cuddle for a while, or do you want to get food?”   
“Cuddles, then food, then more cuddles?” Dan suggested, adjusting his body with Phil’s and closing his eyes against his body and felt the vibrations in Phil’s throat as he agreed, “You make me feel safe, I love you,”   
“I love you too, Dan…”


	67. Chapter 67

Dan filled his cup almost to the brim with tap water and sipped at it over the sink as it spilled over and dripped down his arm awkwardly. He looked at the water and the mess around the bench as if it would respond with an apology, when it didn’t he just grunted and put the glass down on the side of the sink. He shook his arm and watched the water splatter ever further across the kitchen, groaning and turning to lean his head against one of the higher cupboards.   
“Uh, Dan?” Phil asked, gently placing his hand on Dan’s hip upon entering the kitchen and seeing him, “You alright?”   
“Yes…” he droned, “I’m just frustrated. This is the fourth time I’ve managed to fuck up a basic task today,”   
“It’s only 11am, though?” Phil queried sceptically.   
“Exactly!” he exclaimed against the cupboard,   
“What’ve you managed to mess up, then?” Phil smiled, pulling Dan away from the kitchen and tugging the damp sleeve of his jumper to get him to focus on his face.   
“I just spilled the water all up my sleeve,” he said with a exasperated tone, “I dropped the shampoo bottle in the shower about 40 minutes ago, which wouldn’t be too bad, except when I went to put it back I knocked over all the other bottles too! When I went to get changed 20 minutes ago, I stepped on the leg of my pants and fell over, triggering everything on my dresser to fall over or fall off, not onto the ground, BUT ONTO ME!”   
“You said four, that’s three,” Phil kissed his cheek, “Why did you get changed 20 minutes after you got dressed?”   
“Because,” Dan murmured,   
“Because why?”   
“Because I’m completely incompetent!” Dan shouted. Phil laughed,   
“It can’t have been that bad,” Phil assured him, taking a less giggly tone.   
“Phil, I fucking peed on myself!”   
“You- you what?” Phil failed to hold back a laugh and Dan looked down both angry and embarrassed, “Okay, okay… I’m sorry, but how the hell did you manage that?”   
“I don’t want to talk about it…” Dan mumbled. Phil laughed again and pulled him into a hug,   
“Today’ll get better, okay?” he spoke into Dan’s freshly straightened hair, “I love you, bear.”   
“I love you too.” 

The day had played out just as Phil had promised, better with no more incidents or disasters. Dan watched Phil finish his dinner, not saying a single word as to prevent giving away how closely he’d been supervising Phil’s meals since he discovered his sudden attendance to sessions with Dr Leslie. Phil rinsed off his plate and put it in the sink, quickly joining Dan on the couch and sliding his arm around Dan’s relaxed body.   
“What do you wanna do tonight? A movie? Dessert food?” Phil asked, moving his other hand to Dan’s leg and tracing little doodles into his jeans.   
“How about each other?” Dan winked, biting his lip a little to hide his nervousness.   
“Wait, what?” Phil looked at him and his hand became still,   
“Can we go and play?” Dan cocked his head to the side and gave Phil the most adorable face he could.   
“Are you sure you want to?” Phil asked, stroking Dan’s face with his thumb, “We haven’t in a while and, you know… you haven’t been up for it, and now suddenly you want to-”   
“I thought you’d be excited,” Dan poked his tongue out at him,   
“I’m not excited unless it’s something you really want, is it something that you really want?” he smiled at Dan’s innocent face, watching it drop suddenly, “Daniel, what’s the matter?”   
“…I don’t understand why I don’t want to…” Dan whispered, burying himself into Phil’s chest, “I don’t get it! I’m sorry that we haven’t been having sex, I’m so sorry, Phil!” Dan pulled himself from Phil’s warm embrace and looked him desperately in the eyes, “We can if you want, okay? We can do whatever you want, I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t leave me, please Phil!” Phil opened his mouth to speak and was promptly cut off by Dan launching himself onto him and enveloping his lips in a deep, forced kiss. Phil struggled a little beneath him and tried to loosen Dan’s grip on him, but Dan kept going. He hands roamed wherever he could reach and his lips kept Phil’s mouth from rejecting him, Phil tried to peel him off, but Dan was definitely in control of the physical situation. Suddenly Dan pulled his lips from Phil’s and stopped. Phil looked up at him, taking his arms and pulling them down from where they were pinning Phil to the couch. Dan felt his lip quivering and his heart breaking inside his chest as the tears started to fall down his face. He cried loud, heavy sobs and collapsed into a heap on Phil’s lap. 

“Dan, calm down…” he whispered, “It’s alright, I promise… I’m not going to leave you, I love you. I love everything about you, you mean the world to me and I’m going to support you through this, okay? I’m always going to love you, regardless of whether or not we have sex. I just want you, you as a person, in my life and by my side. If you happen to end up in my bed for more than just sleeping and cuddling, that’s a bonus. You don’t owe me anything. You can take your time. Do you understand me?”   
“But- but…” Dan fought the urge to argue and nodded against Phil’s slumped body,   
“Do you think that maybe it could help for you to see a psychologist again?” Phil asked gently, feeling the nod against his torso once more. “Okay, well then we’ll sort that out in the morning, sound like a plan?”   
“Yeah… I’m sorry…” Dan mumbled in return,   
“Don’t be.”   
“I’m sorry for attacking you like that…”   
“Don’t be,” Phil repeated.   
“Can we cuddle in bed?”   
“Of course we can, baby,” Phil stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head, “Don’t worry about anything, okay?” Dan picked himself up from his balled form on top of Phil and soon Phil was standing too and had slinked his arm around his waist to lead him to Dan’s bedroom. He tucked Dan into the bed and turned on the fairy light above his bed, knowing that they comforted him when he was upset, before turning off the main light and crawling in beside him. He cuddled up to Dan’s warm body and entwined their feet, and then their legs, and then their fingers.   
“Phil?” Dan quietly asked,   
“Yes, baby?”   
“Thank you for being here for me…”   
“You’re welcome, bear, I’ll always be here for you,” Phil whispered, kissing him right under his eyes, “Always.”


	68. Chapter 68

PJ sat in silence on Dan and Phil’s living room couch, hot tears streaming down his face and making the skin of his cheeks itchy. He’d knocked on the door but figured that the two of them were still asleep, given that it was 9:30 in the morning, so he let himself in with the spare key Phil had given him who-knows how long ago. He tried to keep his sobbing and the heaving of his chest to a minimum, but he couldn’t help the larger sob that escaped his shuddering form and quickly rose his hand to cover his face in an attempt to stop himself from making any more sound. He was terrified and he didn’t know what to do. His mind was overcome with anxiety, and he kept replaying the voicemail that he’d received at 3:46am, and listened to at 8am when he’d woken up that morning. His body quivered once more under the pressure of another large wave of bawling that he fought, but failed, to control, cupping his hand over his mouth and biting down on one of his fingers. Moments later he heard shuffling coming from the direction of the hallway. Oh no, he thought, he’d woken them up. He knew it was inevitable that he’d have to talk to one of them, especially since he was in their flat, but he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to tell them. 

“Peej?” Phil’s comforting tone interrupted his attempts to silence himself, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” PJ felt Phil rush to his side and could have sworn he could feel Phil’s eyes on him.   
“I’m sorry!” PJ cried, his chest heaving deeply, “I- I- I didn’t know w- where else to- to go…”   
“Okay, it’s alright, you’re always welcome here… Peej, what’s going on? What happened?”   
“Did- did you check your or D- Dan’s phones?” PJ asked, trying to control the unending supply of tears,   
“Yeah, there was nothing unusual, why?” Phil asked, putting his arm around his inconsolable friend.   
“I got a voicemail… from- from Chris…” He sobbed, “He- he was… he’s going to- to…” PJ couldn’t finish his sentence. Phil looked at him with scared eyes, obviously he’d put two and two together and was praying that the answer wasn’t four.   
“PJ, where’s your phone?” Phil asked seriously, his tone of voice still careful,   
“With the- the- the police,” he stuttered, “I went straight to th- them… What if they- they d- don’t find him? What if they do, and- and… they’re too- too late?”   
“Can you tell me what happened? What was the voicemail?” Phil whispered, trying to remain calm but feeling a catch in his throat that caused his voice to wobble slight as he spoke.   
“He said he- he was s- s- sorry, and that he… he loved me,” PJ stopped again and felt the deep heaving of his crying throughout his body,   
“Oh… PJ…”   
“He s- said that no- nobody would ever love h- him, an- and he knew I did- didn’t love him b- b- back… but that it wasn’t my- my fault…” PJ cried hysterically, feeling his heart break inside his chest as he poured it all out to Phil.   
“It really isn’t your fault, Peej…” Phil assured him, noticing Dan enter the room, having been woken by the scene in the living room. Phil looked up and make eye contact with Dan, taking a deep breath in to silently tell Dan that it was bad. 

Dan took a seat next to Phil, not willing to ask what was going on, but content with sitting and listening in on the rest of the conversation. Phil would fill him in later.   
“Then- then Chris… he said… ‘I can’t do this anymore, Peej,’ and he- he said there were things that he did- didn’t tell us and that he was going to- to… he was going to kill himself…” PJ choked out, erupting in tears once again and feeling Phil’s strong embrace around him. Phil felt the tears prink in his eyes and he pulled one arm from his embrace with PJ to wipe them from his face and then take Dan’s hand in his own. Dan sat quietly in shock. This was not the conversation he had expected to wake up to.   
“PJ, listen to me,” Phil started, surprising both Dan and himself with his calm tone, “no matter what, everything is going to be okay. It’s not your fault. It is not your fault, do you hear me? Chris might be okay, Peej. He might be perfectly fine. Maybe he did it for attention, maybe he left the message and changed his mind, maybe someone else found him and got to him on time, we just don’t know yet, okay? I know it’s scary, and I’m scared too, but right now we just have to wait and find out…”   
“He’s m- my best friend, Phil…” PJ whispered, his tears now silently streaming down his face, “I- I’m sorry, I d- don’t mean to be a b- burden… I can leave…”   
“No, no, no, no, no!” Dan finally joined the conversation, “We’re all staying here. Together.”   
“Are you sure?” PJ asked, watching Phil nod in agreement as Dan took in a deep breath,   
“We want you here,” Phil whispered, “We’ll go back to the police station once we’re all sorted out and we’ll see what happens from there, alright?” PJ nodded copied Dan’s breath, wiping the tears from his eyes and allowing himself to let go of the tenseness that had overtaken his body, relaxing in Phil’s single-armed hug. 

Dan watched as Phil, still calm as ever, escorted PJ into the bathroom to clean himself up. Dan felt the anxiety building up inside him, he hadn’t caught all of the conversation but he’d grabbed the main issue and it was getting to him, slowly building up until he was a quivering, crying mess on the couch. Determined to follow Phil’s lead, specifically, not showing how terrified he really was, he sprinted back into his bedroom and held his head in his hands. Chris really had been acting strange for a while, a long while, but Dan never thought it would get this far. He heard the sounds of PJ’s loud crying, he must’ve been hit by another wave of grief and fear. Dan wiped his tears from his face and sucked in a breath as his body shuddered gently while he tried to force himself to calm down. He was alone in his room crying silent tears while Phil consoled PJ back in the living room, after about half an hour he hear a light tap on the door and Phil opened it slightly,   
“Dan… I’m so sorry you had to wake up to that…” Phil said softly.   
“You did too…” Dan whispered as Phil walked over to his bed and seated himself by his side, leaving the door open a crack, “Where’s PJ?”   
“He’s in the lounge room, he fell asleep,” Phil told him, rubbing his thumb against Dan’s shoulder,   
“What’s gonna happen? What if he- he’s…?” Dan started, shocked at how calm Phil was reacting to the whole situation.   
“Dan, I’m scared too, something feels off, but… I have a feeling that he’s okay,” Phil told him, kissing his salty, wet cheek,   
“Something feels off because one of our friends essentially left his suicide note on PJ’s voicemail and now no one knows where he is!” Dan exclaimed, immediately remembering that PJ might wake up and hear him and slapping his mouth with his hand as he rushed to cover it.   
“Bear… when I saw PJ, I knew I had to act calmly so that there was at least a chance of calming him down and reducing panic, but when we were in the bathroom, he… he, um, he told me that Chris had been thinking about it for a while,” Phil started, “And I don’t doubt that, but I didn’t react. Something feels wrong, and off. I don’t know what it is, but something is telling me that he’s okay…”   
“Something is telling me that you’re in denial,” Dan spoke, “And we haven’t even heard an outcome yet,”   
“Do you want to stay here with PJ? I’m gonna go to the police station and…” Phil started but felt the tears pricking in his eyes again, “And,” his voice wobbled, “Check things out.”   
“You’re not okay, are you?” Dan pulled him into a hug,   
“Regardless of whatever feeling I have about what’s going on, it’s still scary…” Phil whispered, “I’ll be fine.” Phil stood up, kissing Dan before making his way out the door, checking on PJ and grabbing his phone, keys and wallet as he headed from the flat and out into the world outside.


	69. Chapter 69

Phil ran in through the main entrance of the hospital, dashing to the enquiries counter as he panted. He stopped at the desk and pulled the crinkled paper that the police had given him from his pocket,   
“I’m here to,” he stopped to suck in a breath of air, “Identify this patient,” he said, sliding the hand written note to the receptionist.   
“Are you a family member?” she asked, typing something into her computer,   
“Uh- um, yes. He’s my cousin,” Phil lied in hopes of rushing the whole process along.   
“Alright,” she smiled, “He’s on the second floor, ward 4G, room 2. Let the nurses station know why you’re here and someone will help you out.” Phil nodded to her and turned to walk up the stairs, feeling slightly less flustered and panicked. He reached the ward and the nurses station and politely stood and waited for someone to notice him,   
“Hey mate, do you need any help?” a male nurse asked him within a moment or two of his arrival,   
“Yeah, I’m here to identify the patient in room 2?” Phil told him, though it came out as more of a question.   
“Oh,” his face remained a pleasant smile but he suddenly looked a little concerned, “No worries, I’ll page the doctor and let him know someone’s here,” the young male nurse told him, “What was your name?”   
“Phil Lester,” he said, acknowledging the nurses nod as he wandered around to the other side of the nurses station, a minute later he turned back to Phil and advised him to take a seat on one of the chairs in the hallway. 

Phil sat for a few minutes before pulling out his phone and texting Dan,   
“I’ll call you as soon as I know anything. Love you. – Phil”   
“Are you still at the station? It’s been ages… PJ’s awake. – Dan”   
“I’m not at the station, I’m checking something out, I don’t know anything yet though, so I’ll tell you as soon as I know anything, okay? Is PJ alright? Are you alright? Is everything alright? – Phil”   
“I’m okay… PJ says he’s okay too. What are you checking out? Where are you? – Dan”   
“Good, good. The police said that they might know something, so I’m waiting for that. I’m not too far. Be good, I love you. – Phil”   
Phil was determined not to tell Dan where he was or to get his hopes up, so he decided not to tell him where he was.   
“Where are you? – PJ”   
Phil sighed as he read the incoming text message from PJ. He didn’t answer it.   
“Hi, I’m Dr Wood, are you Phil?” another man’s voice interrupted his thoughts about how to respond to Dan and PJ’s messages. He snapped out of it and nodded quickly,   
“Yeah, that’s me,” he said, standing up to shake his hand.   
“Alright, so today we’re going to see if the patient we have here is your cousin, C. Kendall?” he verified, Phil nodded, “Alright then, if you’re ready?”   
“Yeah, yeah,” Phil nodded again, noting that he was nodded far too much for it to seem normal, “Do I just say that it’s him, or that it’s not him, and that’s it?”   
“Yeah, it’s a pretty simple process, if it’s him, we’ll get you to fill in as much person information about him as you can,” Dr Wood said leading him into the room with a smile. Phil followed him into the room and stopped when he saw the outline of a young man with brown hair, eyes closed, covered to the shoulders with a standard white, hospital blanket. He took in a deep breath and took a few steps closer, his eyes quickly flicking up to the heart monitor on the other side of the bed, relieved that it’s beeping was consistent. He looked back down at the man in the bed. It was Chris. He was alive, granted he was still unconscious and the state he was in didn’t render him with any doubt about him having tried to commit suicide.   
“This is- um, this is him. This is Chris…” Phil said, “What do- What happens now again?”   
“Come with me,” He said, heading out of the room and handing Phil a clipboard once they were in the hallway, “Just fill in as much as you can, okay? We’ll look for any other medical history in his files and we’ll see what happens from there.”   
“Okay, but um… What happened?” Phil finally dared to ask,   
“Your cousin, Chris?” The doctor asked, Phil nodded, “Okay,” Dr Wood started again, “He came in at about 4:30am this morning, he was found in his hotel room in his bathtub when the room next door called the front desk to complain about the loud music coming from his room. Hotel staff found him and called the police and an ambulance. From what we’ve gathered, he’s slit both his wrists and overdosed on sleeping tablets. The paramedics got to him just in time to save his live, but he’s had a seizure… we just need to wait and see. He’s been administered blood to replace what he’s lost and he’s stable at the moment.”   
“What’s that, the um, the tube in his mouth…?” Phil asked, taking it all in,   
“It’s from when his stomach was pumped, and is now it’s just to keep his airways open,”   
“Do we know how long it’ll be before he should wake up?” Phil swallowed the build-up of saliva in his mouth as the doctor replied,   
“We don’t know. There is a small chance that he might not, but we’re doing all that we can,” Dr Wood motioned to the clip board in Phil’s hands and gave him a solemn smile before turning to attend to another patient. Phil took his time to fill out what he could of the form before handing it back to the nurse’s station and making his way home. 

“You can sit this out if you want, I know that it might bring things back up with you…” Phil told Dan after relaying the information to him and PJ once arriving back at the flat.   
“No… I’m fine,” Dan said, “I promise.”   
“If you… you know, feel like this is triggering anything, I need you to tell me, alright?” Phil pulled Dan’s almost limp, but still standing, body into a hug, “I love you.”   
“I love you too, I will…” Dan whispered into Phil’s chest as he listened to his heartbeat.   
“Guys,” PJ’s voice rung as he entered the room after using the bathroom, “I can go if you want, I don’t want to be a hassle…”   
“Stop saying that, Peej!” Phil demanded with care, “You can stay here as long as you want, we have plenty of space.”   
“We don’t want you to be alone right now…” Dan said, his face still buried in Phil’s chest,   
“You can steal my bed, yeah?” Phil smiled to PJ. Walked over to the pair on the couch and hugged them both, thankful that he was out of tears, and whispered,   
“I just need him to be okay…”   
“I know, Peej,” Phil comforted him, “But right now you need to get some rest, okay? It’s been a huge, emotional day. We’ll go tomorrow and see if there’s any news, alright?”   
“Yeah… I know, you’re right… Good night,” he said, “I love you guys.”   
Dan and Phil watched as he walked back down the hallway to Phil’s room and closed the door, Dan sat up slightly and looked at Phil before kissing him deeply,   
“You’re such an adult,” Dan said, pecking him on the lips again, “You’re looking after everything so well, and you’re so brave and I’m so proud of you.”   
“I honestly believe that out of the three of us, I’m the best one to be taking care of things, don’t you?” Phil replied, kissing Dan’s cheek sweetly, “And I’m okay with that.”   
“I love you,” Dan giggled, “You’re so hot when you take control,”   
“I love you too, now go to sleep,” Phil laughed, standing up and sending Dan’s face into the couch cushions, “Come on, I’ll give you kisses.” Dan smiled and followed Phil to his bedroom. Once they were both comfortable in bed with the light off and phones away, Dan spoke up,   
“Phil?”   
“Yes, bear?” Phil replied, stroking Dan’s forearm,   
“Do you think Chris is going to be okay?” he asked meekly,   
“We’ll see tomorrow, okay?” Phil said, rolling over and cupping Dan’s face with his hand, “No matter what, you will be okay, Dan… and so will PJ, and so will I. We will all be okay no matter what, do you understand?”   
“Yeah…” Dan whispered back with watery eyes, “I’m just so scared. I don’t understand why he was in a hotel room… Phil, I don’t want him to die. I don’t want him to leave me. I don’t want you to leave me...”   
“Because he knew that PJ would go to his house and he probably didn’t want any one he cared about to find him like that…” Phil explained before sighing and kissing Dan’s forehead. “Dan, close your eyes. Listen to me. I’m right here for you. I’m not going anywhere, okay? Chris didn’t do this to leave you, alright? It’s not you. It’s not anyone else but himself, you know that. Remember when it was you? You weren’t doing it to get away from me or anyone else, it was you. I know it’s hard, but I don’t want you to think like that, okay? Because I know that you are strong and you’ll be okay no matter what.”   
“I’m not worried about me right now… I’m worried about Chris…” Dan whispered, eyes still closed, “I don’t want to talk about it anymore…” 

Hours into their slumber, Dan rolled over facing away from Phil, letting out a little whining noise. Phil stirred in response, moving his arm out of the covers and stretching it out of the bed, still asleep, but just barely. A small light flashed from the bedside table, not enough to wake either of them, but the sound of the vibration was enough to disturb Phil’s light sleep. He opened his eyes and grabbed at the phone as it vibrated quietly beside him, eager not to miss the call,   
“Hello?” he whispered into the phone,   
“Hello, is this Philip Lester?” a woman asked on the other end,   
“Uh, yes?” he whispered sleepily.   
“Hi, this is Nurse Rochelle from ward 4G where your cousin, Chris Kendall is staying, I’m so sorry for waking you,” she said, causing Phil to sit up as fast as he could without waking Dan, “But you told us to call if anything happened or changed with his condition…”


	70. Chapter 70

“Dan. Dan, wake up,” Phil shook the sleeping boy gentle as to not startle the poor thing too much. Phil was actually somewhat surprised that Dan had managed to fall asleep at all, he really must've worn himself out with the emotional response to what was going on with Chris.  
“Hermalur...” Dan responded incoherently,  
“Dan,” Phil tried again, “It's time to wake up. Sort of.”  
"What's the time?" Dan mumbled into his pillow before rolling over to face Phil, "Why is it still dark?"  
"Because it's just past half three..." Phil whispered, "Sorry..."  
"Why is it time to wake up? I'm very confused..." Dan whined, moving to cling onto Phil to steal his warmth and feel him close to his body.  
"Dan, sweetie..." Phil began, aiding Dan in his attempt to cling onto him as he stroked his messy, curly hair, "The hospital just called..."  
Dan stopped wiggling to get comfortable.  
"Is he...?" Dan whispered into Phil's chest, fearing the absolute worst as he decided to ask something else instead, "What happened?"  
“He woke up…” Phil said, his voice sounded dazed and distant despite the good news,  
“Okay, that’s good, right?” Dan propped himself up a little so that now he was cradling Phil, “What’s wrong?”  
“Yeah, it’s good. It’s really good. It’s so good…” he whispered as Dan shuffled around him and gently moved Phil’s body into his own, “I was just…”  
“What is it?” Dan whispered into Phil’s hair, noting how neat it was despite it being the middle of the night,  
“I was so terrified…” Phil started to cry as Dan tightened his embrace, “I tried to be so brave and strong and then… for a moment before the nurse told me, I thought she was going to say he was gone… That he was dead…”  
“Shhh… Shhh… It’s okay now…” Dan hushed him, “It’s all gonna be okay,”  
“I’m sorry…” Phil sobbed.  
“Don’t be sorry, you’re allowed to feel scared, and relieved,” Dan told him, kissing his forehead, “Should we go wake up PJ?”  
“We should, and then we’ll go in to see him first thing in the morning,” Phil sniffled, wiping his eyes and shuffling himself out of Dan’s arms and out of the bed. Dan followed closely behind, turning on the hallway light, and soon Phil was knocking on the door of his bedroom, after a moment Phil slowly opened the door and the light from the hallway flooded into the room. PJ groaned a little and Phil took a few steps into the room and crawled up around PJ on the bed,  
“Are you awake?” Phil asked quietly,  
“I never fell sleep…” PJ whispered, “I don’t think I did at least.”  
“Peej,” he said, “The hospital just called me, I have good news,”  
“Really?” PJ’s voice perked up and he sat up in the bed,  
“He woke up,” Phil smiled, taking in PJ’s newly relieved and excited facial expression. PJ launched himself into Phil and hugged him tightly,  
“He’s going to be okay!” he laughed, “He’s okay! Wait,” he pulled away from Phil, “What time is it?”  
“It’s about 3:40am,” Dan said from the lit doorway, drawing the attention of PJ. He watched as PJ threw himself from the tangle of bedclothes and within seconds his arms were around him,  
“Can we go see him?!” PJ asked, completely enveloped in his little bubble of happiness,  
“It’s about 3:40am,” Dan repeated, this time with a hint of laughter, “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now? Phil says we can go first thing tomorrow.”  
“Visiting hours start at 10:30, so we’ll leave at ten? Is 5 hours enough sleep for you?” Phil re-joined the conversation as he made his way to the doorway to wrap his arm around Dan,  
“Yeah… Yeah! Thank you, for… for everything!” PJ smiled, quickly hugging them both and making his way back into Phil’s bed as Dan escorted the pair back into his own room. 

“I completely forgot I had errands to run, I’m so sorry! I’ll meet you and PJ at the hospital at 10:30am, make sure you both eat or I’ll force that gross hospital food down both of your throats.  
(PJ, use whatever you want.)  
(Dan, I love you).”  
Phil scanned the note one more time before checking the time on his phone. It was 9am as he shut the flat door and started making his way out to the hospital. PJ was in the shower and Dan was still asleep, Phil made sure to set an alarm to go off for him at 9:15 so that he wouldn’t complain too much about not having enough time to get ready. He didn’t want either of them to know he was going in early to talk to Chris first. As far as either of them were going to know, they’d all arrive at the same time. 

The second Phil entered the hospital, he was overwhelmed with a strong feeling of doubt and… was this what uncertainty felt like? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure of anything. What was he going to say? How was he going to approach him? How was he going to start the convers-  
“Phil?” Chris asked, obviously sharing this uncertain feeling of, well, uncertainty. Apparently he’d already made it all the way to Chris’s room,  
“Yeah?” Phil replied, mentally slapping himself across the face because, honestly, what kind of response was that?! Chris laughed shortly, and quickly stopped looking directly at Phil, tossing his glance toward the general direction of where he assumed he would be right about now if his plan hadn’t failed so miserably. Hell.  
“Hi,” Chris attempted to re-start the conversation, obviously sensing Phil’s desire to rewind time and greet him a little less awkwardly,  
“Hi,” Phil replied, this time he stepped forward with a small smile and looked at him with a little less confusion. It was almost normal, warm even. “Physically,” Phil specified, “How’re you feeling?”  
“Exhausted, nauseous,” he breathed and directed his eyes to his bandaged wrists, “A bit sore, kind of uncomfortable. My throat hurts.”  
Phil nodded and took a seat beside him, “Understandable,” he said before asking his next question, “Mentally, how are you feeling?”  
“Same old, same old,” Chris replied.  
“And what would that be, exactly?” Phil asked, looking at Chris’s face until he would make eye contact,  
“Shit.”  
“Why did you do it, Chris? Why didn’t you tell me? Or anyone, for that matter?” Phil whispered, but his voice wasn’t quiet, the last thing that he expected was for Chris to give him a legitimate answer. 

“I didn’t tell anyone because I thought it was stupid,” Chris started his explanation, “I was scared. I thought if I told anyone what was really going on, they’d just treat it… I don’t know. Honestly, I didn’t know how anyone would react, and if I didn’t say anything… then I could just pretend it wasn’t getting worse. PJ, and I assumed you and Dan, knew I was a little depressed. I don’t know if Peej told you, but even if he didn’t, you’re not dumb, you probably picked up on it. The thing is… it just wouldn’t stop. It wouldn’t go away. It just, it kept going, and coming at me, and attacking me, and cornering me, and then… I couldn’t take it anymore, Phil. I hated everything. I hated my house, I hated the bed sheets, and the walls, and my clothes, and the way my reflection kept looking at me like it was all my own fault! I hated the mess on the floor, the lack of mess on the floor, everything just kept shouting at me that I used to be this person, and now I’m fucking not! I used to love these things, and now I can’t! I hate all the things I used to love because I am simply unable to love them anymore. I’m not me. I’m not here. It’s like I’m mourning the loss of myself! So I painted the walls a neutral colour, got more black clothes so I could stop hating the colours that taunted me with the fact that they get to be bright and happy, while I’m a miserable little fuck that can't look at a colourful shirt without wanting to scream! I changed the sheets to a more plain design. I’ve just been living in a mess of plain, neutral colours and filth and I don't even care because none of it makes me feel bad! It doesn't make me feel good, or happy. It doesn't make me feel anything at all. And it's so goddamn good to not feel anything anymore, so nothing inside of me motivated me to change it…” Chris finished. He wasn’t crying, but he was clearly hurting. 

“I can’t imagine how horrible that must have been… I’m so sorry… I’m so, so sorry that I wasn’t someone you felt that you could approach about this,” Phil whispered, this time his voice was low, “I really can’t imagine what it’s like…”

“You want to sleep all day every day, but apparently that’s not possible. It’s hard to sleep, it’s hard not to sleep and when you are asleep, it’s nightmares. It’s not the literal images of monsters and demons that plagued your childhood nightmares that want to hurt you and scare you; they’re the theoretical monsters and demons that live in your head all day every day, and when you’re asleep it’s easier for them to come out and play. They’re your worst fears. They’re your whole life falling apart before your eyes, a spiral of self-hate, devastation, loss, misery, fear, uncertainty and frustration, and just as you wake up… just as you think it’s going to stop, you realize that the nightmares and reality have become the same… damn…. thing. The same realization every single day, each time becoming less and less shocking, each time becoming less and less likely that you’ll even get up, until eventually… you don’t,” Chris looked up at Phil as he concluded his short interpretation of what he was experiencing. He wasn’t sure if he’d said too much, if it sounded stupid. Of course it sounded stupid. “I don’t want to keep to waking up like that,” he whispered. Phil cried.


	71. Chapter 71

Phil’s world stopped. The Earth wasn’t orbiting the sun, it wasn’t spinning. The birds were not chirping, the trees were dull and lifeless. Everything was quiet, and everything was irrelevant. Everything that Chris said rung through his head as he sat in front of him. Chris felt all of these things, these scary, horrible things and nobody knew. Actually, they did know. They knew he was depressed, they knew something was wrong, but they didn’t know what they really meant… except Dan. Oh god, Phil thought, this was what Dan was feeling too. Oh god. No. Not Dan. Of course he didn’t want Chris to feel like that, or anyone for that matter, but Dan… Dan was the love of his life. Dan was everything to him, and he had no idea what was going on inside of him… Phil made a mental note to hug Dan and never let him go again. Phil grabbed forward for Chris’s hand, holding his fingers firmly and letting the tears slide down his face. By the time they dripped from his jaw they were cold and made his face itchy, he wiped them away with his free hand and Chris cleared his throat, grabbing the attention of the black haired man and reminding him once more that Chris was here, in the hospital, and almost wasn’t going to be.   
“Phil… I’m sorry, that was too much…” Chris said quietly, his voice still hoarse.   
“No, no… I’m sorry, I just spaced out. Chris..?” Phil started,   
“Yeah?” Chris asked. Phil stood up and leant over him, using one arm to hug him as best he could and the other to pull his head further into his chest, playing gently with his hair,   
“I love you, Chris.”   
“I love you, too.”  
“Phil, you’re here!” Dan said, entering the ward Chris was residing in, PJ followed closely behind, his voice was filled with both excitement and confusion. He’d expressed to Dan on the way in that he was suddenly feeling quite anxious about the whole situation and that seeing Chris was something that he wanted to do, but it also absolutely terrified him. He was scared, and hurt, and though he hated to admit it, even to himself, he was even a little bit angry with him for putting him in such a situation. Dan looked at Phil as he turned around to face him and he was slightly taken aback by his watery eyes and the tear tracks on his face, “Phil? What happened? Are you okay? Did something happen?”   
“I’m fine,” Phil smiled weakly but walked toward him and wrapped his arms around him, immediately feeling Dan reciprocating the action. “I’m so sorry, Dan.”   
Dan tensed for a moment, unsure of what Phil was talking about, why was he sorry? Had something happened? Had he done something? Was something wrong?   
“Wha- Why?” Dan asked quietly,   
“You… you never told me what it was like to… feel what you’ve been feeling, and I’m so, so sorry that you have to, it’s not fair…” Phil whispered, running his fingers through Dan’s hair and whispering into his ear.   
“What are you talking about, Phil?” Dan asked, pulling away slightly but not detaching himself from Phil’s embrace. Normally at least one of them would feel awkward hugging like this in public, but this was a hospital and the staff seemed to look at them as though this was a completely normally behaviour.   
“Depression,” Phil whispered, feeling his heart sink in his chest as he thought about it again, he felt his eyes water and his bottom lip begin wobble a little bit when Dan stroked his thumb down Phil’s face.   
“Don’t do that,” He smiled a little, “Don’t cry, please… Where is this coming from?”   
“I spoke to Chris…”   
“We only just got here though?” Dan queried,   
“I didn’t really had errands to run, I came in here early to talk to Chris…” Phil confessed, ducking his head and looking at the ugly pattern of the lino floor.   
“Okay,” Dan breathed, “We don’t have to talk about that, I understand. Phil, I don’t want you to worry, okay?” He placed his fingers under Phil’s chin, pulling his head up to look at him and suddenly becoming very aware of PJ’s eyes on the two of them.   
“I’m sorry…” Phil squeaked,   
“Phil, baby… It’s all okay. I love you,” Dan told him assuring, “I promise you that everything is okay.”   
“I love you too…” Phil whispered before turning to look at PJ, meeting his eyes for a second before dropping his gaze to the floor.   
“C’mon,” Dan said to both Phil and PJ, “Want to go in?”

Home felt safe. It felt warm, inviting them in, welcoming them to their surroundings and then begging them to stay forever. Dan plonked down on the couch, a smile spreading across his face, Chris was going to be okay. He knew it for sure now, it was doctor confirmed. Phil was noticeable relieved. He knew that Chris was okay, he’d even said that it was something that he didn’t want to ever attempt again. He felt regretful the second he woke up and he didn’t want to feel that every single day for the rest of eternity in whatever after-life there may be. The only reason he felt concerned at all was because Chris had been approved to return home after he was medically cleared, which was estimated to be in about a week. Otherwise, he was relieved. He took a seat next to Dan and slid his arm around his waist, grabbing at the flesh of Dan’s hips, Dan tipped to the side, falling onto Phil’s lap,   
“Stop!” he giggled, “It tickles!”   
Phil chuckled and stroked Dan’s hair, “Stop what?” he played dumb, digging his fingers up into Dan’s side this time, causing the younger to scream.   
“Stop! Stop! I’m going to pee!” Dan squirmed and screamed, somehow managing to detach himself from Phil’s grasp and roll onto the living room floor between the couch and the coffee table.   
“You right there, Dan?” Phil smirked down at him. Dan poked out his tongue and extended his arm, demanding Phil to help him up with his eyes. Phil obeyed and pulled him up before guiding the brown haired mess onto his lap, his legs on both sides of Phil’s, and his chest falling against the other’s. Phil could feel Dan’s soft breathing as he wrapped his arms around him, suddenly everything was calm.   
“Can I tell you something?” asked Dan, not moving from the position Phil had put him in,   
“Yeah, of course,” Phil answered, his head nuzzling against Dan’s lightly,   
“I’m in love with you,” he whispered.   
“I’m in love with you,” Phil repeated, emphasising the last word of his sentence,   
“Can I tell you something else?”   
“Mhmm,” Phil hummed contently,   
“I want you.”   
“You have me,” Phil smiled and he could hear it in his response.   
“That’s not what I meant,” Dan laughed a little, pushing himself a little more against Phil’s body, “I mean, Philip, I REALLY want you.”   
“What do you… Oh!” Phil was a little taken aback, feeling Dan’s slight erections through both of their pants, “Are you sure?”   
“Am I sure?” Dan mocked him, “Yes, I’m bloody sure! God, Phil… I just want to touch you all over…”   
“Why don’t you?” Phil asked him quietly, moving slightly in order to gently suck his earlobe for a brief moment,   
“Because it’s been so long and I was wondering…”   
“Hmm?”   
“Well, I just wasn’t sure if you even wanted to… you know… since it’s been so long… Like, do you still want that… with me?” Dan asked, embarrassed and blood rushing to his cheeks, making him thankful that Phil couldn’t see his blush.   
“Dan,” Phil whispered sensually into his ear, “I’ve always wanted you.”   
“Oh.” Dan said, a little shocked and a little excited, “I didn’t think that-”   
“Of course you didn’t,” Phil interrupted him, “Can I kiss you now?”   
“Oh, god, yes!” Dan breathed, seconds later feeling Phil’s hand roaming his torso while the other cupped his face while his lips were occupied with his own, “Please do.”


	72. Chapter 72

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter, I think.

It was the first time in a while that they had engaged in anything remotely sexual. Neither could pinpoint how long exactly, had they done so they would have thought about it far too much and, if they were being honest, they didn’t want to think about it. It would over-complicate things. Dan kissed Phil’s eye gently as it fluttered shut, smiling as he pulled away and their eyes met again. Phil bit his lip, turning his face away from Dan in a small blush before Dan’s lips caught his cheek and quickly trailed down his jaw to his neck as he grinded slowly against the hardness between Phil’s legs.   
“Are we really going to do this on the couch?” Dan whispered with a chuckle,   
“I will literally do you anywhere you want me to,” Phil growled softly and playfully,   
“Good to know,” Dan joked, kissing Phil passionately, practically shoving his tongue down his throat, and damn, it was hot. Phil kissed him back strongly, running his fingers through the brown hair of Dan’s head, tugging it slightly as Dan ran a hand down Phil’s neck and cupped his face with the other.   
“Regardless of where we do it, I want to see your beautiful face,” Phil hummed through the kissed, and Dan nodded without haste.   
“Your bed,” he sexily demanded, his voice was slightly lower than usual and Phil knew that if he couldn’t have Dan soon, he would likely die. 

Dan pulled the two of them from the living room and into Phil’s bedroom, crashing onto the blue and green covers and crinkling them as Dan tugged Phil on top of him. Phil pulled Dan’s shirt from his body and kissed down his torso, stopping at the fabric and making his way up again, this time stopping to pay attention to his nipples, quickly flicking his tongue over them and making them hard. Dan let out a small gasp when Phil took his right nipple gently between his teeth and pulled it out a little before allowing it to settle back down, and in return, Phil let out a shaky breath, incredibly turned on by his younger lover. Dan maneuvered his fingers beneath the hem of Phil’s shirt and lifted it up, gawking at the smattering of hair on his perfect chest as he discard the cloth, he quickly continued to undress Phil, thankful in Phil’s assistance in removing his jeans. Phil slid his tongue over one of the dips of Dan’s collar bone, quickly continuing by running it up Dan’s neck, feeling the brunet shiver beneath him.   
“Phil…?” Dan asked, he almost sounded nervous,   
“Yeah?” Phil panted, slowing down but still kissing the base of Dan’s neck,   
“Nothing,” he dismissed and Phil would have asked if he was sure, but he was beaten to it when Dan reached his face up to kiss Phil again. And again. And again.   
Phil slid his hand over Dan’s bulge, he could practically feeling it throbbing through the denim material, so he reached for the zip to Dan’s pants, but Dan froze, and of course, Phil did too.   
“I’m sorry…” Dan whispered, and Phil shook his head as if to tell him that he needn’t apologise,   
“It’s okay,” his partner smiled, “Just tell me what you’re not comfortable with, and it won’t happen,” Phil promised him.   
“I can’t…” he sighed, frustrated with himself, “I mean… I’m happy to fool around, you KNOW I’m turned on, and I want you, but… no sex, not right now. Soon, though,” he promised, sounding panicked, almost as if he believed it would make Phil stop loving him.   
“No sex,” Phil smiled reassuringly, “Can I suck you off?” he proposed instead,   
“As long as I can do the same to you,” Dan smirked, and Phil was certain that Dan knew now that he was happy with whatever Dan was happy with. He started with Dan’s zipper once more, this time completing the task and tossing the pants to the floor along with his underwear. 

“God…” Phil breathed, taking in the sight of Dan’s pulsating dick, “I could come just by looking at you.” Dan giggled with a dusting of pink rushing to grace his cheeks, which quickly subsided when he felt a warm, wet sensation engulfing his member. Good god, how he’d missed Phil’s mouth!   
Phil took the head of Dan’s cock into his mouth, slowly allowing entrance to more and more of his trembling member, flicking his tongue against it as he did so. He slowly pulled off and sunk his face back down again until his nose felt the texture of the light amount of hair at the base of Dan’s cock. He listened as Dan let out a deep moan, a sound of pure pleasure, as he pressed his tongue against the slit of Dan’s cock. Soon he was bobbing up and down in Dan’s crotch, angling his head so as to continue to give Dan the most, best, pleasure possible. Dan, having always had a tendency to be loud in bed, let out the most beautiful, tangled sounds of pleasure, emotion, and pure ecstasy,   
“Phil! Phil!” he cried out as he sucked harder, moved faster and took him deeper into his throat. Soon Dan felt the tightening through his balls, the stiffening of the soon-to-be weak muscles in his legs, and he came into the back of Phil’s throat as he coaxed him through his orgasm, swallowing the sweet, white substance that had been ejaculated into his orifice, in the process, swallowing around Dan’s now-extremely sensitive dick, causing him to let out a deep whimper.   
He sat up, ready to give Phil the same treat, but was slightly shocked when he saw that Phil was wiping cum off the lower section of his own body, he usually held such self-control in this aspect! He bit his lip with a bit of a blush,   
“You were a little bit extremely hot…” Phil explained with a forced giggle, and Dan pushed himself onto him,   
“God, I love you,” he laughed, sliding down to Phil’s abdomen and licking the fluid from his body, he figured it was the least he could do for him.   
“It’s a bit embarrassing,” he laughed, letting out a shaky breath as Dan licked his body clean. Dan finished up on his stomach and abdomen and decided to take it one step further as he swiftly sunk his lips down the shaft of Phil’s penis, licking and sucking off any remaining liquid, as it twitched in his mouth. Dan paid attention to the moans from Phil’s lips, before coming back up to kiss them, to kiss Phil, properly.   
Panting, sensitive, and naked, the arranged themselves properly in the bed, Dan curled into Phil, thankful for the trust he was able to put in him after everything that they had been through. Soon things would be normal. Soon things would be okay again. Chris was going to be okay, PJ was fine, Phil was good, and Dan was better than he had been in a long, long time. They were content. Things were looking up, getting better. It was a long road to recovery, one that has a tenancy to extend without one noticing, but things were going to be alright. Phil pulled the duvet over the two of them and embraced the tired boy, kissing his forehead.   
“I love you,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around Dan’s torso,   
“I love you too,” Dan murmured, wrapping his legs around Phil’s waist, feeling so much better about life and living, and everything in general.


End file.
